Pratt Falls

Biancapalooza * Thank You Dan & Eden & Chrissie

2012-01-21T10:52:00.000-06:00

Biancapalooza was so much fun!
Our only complaint -- turns out, 2 hours wasn't enough time!

Thank you, Dan J Kroll, for inviting us to be part of this historic event! Thank you Eden and Chrissie for being your sweet, generous, fun selves and a BIG thank you to the surprise guests!

Oh yes, there were surprises! There was talk of "gelatinous goo." Y'know what? You should really just listen for yourself!

(( Link to Soap Central Live on Voice America ))

# # #

Biancapalooza! * Today Is The Day!

2012-01-20T12:16:00.002-06:00

Chrissie and Eden discuss BIANCAPALOOZA hours before the big event!

SPECIAL TIME: January 20, 2012 at 5pm ET / 2pm PT
to 7pm ET / 4pm PT. Listen at http://soapcentral.com/scl

In a two-hour special edition of Soap Central Live, we celebrate Bianca Montgomery. In the first hour, fans are invited to call in and share their favorite Bianca memories, discuss their favorite loves of Bianca, and to share personal stories of how they've been inspired by Bianca's journey.

Then, in the second hour, for the first time ever, two of All My Children's best-known Biancas, Christina Bennett Lind and Emmy winner Eden Riegel, will appear together to talk about Bianca's place in television history, to share their experiences in the role and on All My Children, and to take calls from fans.

It's a must-hear hour that's sure to be filled with surprises.

Listener Call-In Line: 866.472.5788
Tweet Your Comments/Questions @soapcentrallive twitter.com/soapcentrallive

# # #

Biancapalooza Countdown * Can We Get -- Oh Never Mind!

2012-01-19T11:29:00.000-06:00

Question #31

for Eden & Tamara:

We were going to ask you to return our Straight Cards, but then we re-watched this and ...

Oh, never mind. Just keep the damn things.
(Besides, if you returned them, Chrissie & Sarah would claim them and we'd be right back where we started.... Behold the Power of Bianca!)

# # #

Biancapalooza Countdown * The Question Ellen Has Been Dying to Ask!

2012-01-18T11:13:00.001-06:00

Question #30

for Eden & Chrissie:

It seems that Bianca is a beast in the bedroom, considering all the straight girls she's bagged. Is this a Kane thing? Or simply the power of Bianca?

# # #

Biancapalooza Countdown * Smackdown!

2012-01-17T10:58:00.001-06:00

Question #29

for Eden:

Was this moment as emotionally and physically satisfying as it looks?
(And, do you secretly enjoy the opportunity to smack the shit out of someone as part of an average work day?)

# # #

Biancapalooza Countdown * The Write Stuff

2012-01-16T11:38:00.000-06:00

Question #28

for Eden & Chrissie:

We like to share the love, and so we are going to present a few questions from a couple of our wonderful, kick-ass Twitter followers:

Twitter Question from @Aud22

From Audra:
What was your defining moment while playing Bianca?

* * *

Twitter Question from @Gindiesele34

From Ginny:

What story/subject would they write about if they had the opportunity to do so on a soap opera?

# # #

Biancapalooza Countdown * Double Trouble

2012-01-15T22:38:00.000-06:00

Question #27

for Chrissie:

Christina and Heather Lind

Are you as profoundly disappointed as we are that your real life, identical twin sister, Heather, is not going to get the opportunity to play Bianca's evil doppelganger?

Who, of course, has assumed Bianca's identity, established herself as the CEO of Cambius Industries in Paris, taken up with Reese, fraudulently pretended to be Reese in order to divorce Bianca via Blackberry, all the while keeping poor Reese drunk on fine Cabernet and convincing her that both their daughters perished in a freak bunny slope skiing accident at their chalet in Switzerland? Only to be found out by overly inquisitive, ace lawyer Marissa, leading to an epic confrontation and poor Bianca ultimately stuck with two beautiful women deeply, truly and madly in love with her?

Sarah Glendening

Tamara Braun

Now that would have been one freaking epic storyline, don't ya think?

# # #

Biancapalooza Countdown * Baby, It's You

2012-01-14T10:40:00.000-06:00

Question #26

for Eden:

You had the honor of giving birth twice on screen. Is real childbirth sort of anti-climatic after what Bianca went through?

Eden Riegel with her son, Jack Oscar Miller.

Jack is 100% adorable, but ... is he a little boring compared to Miranda and Gabrielle? C'mon -- he wasn't born during a tornado, hasn't survived a helicopter crash only to be kidnapped, nor has he miraculously awakened you from a coma at Christmas time.

We're just sayin' .... the boy has some catching up to do!

# # #

Biancapalooza Countdown * ONE WEEK!

2012-01-13T11:19:00.000-06:00

Question #25

for Everybody in the Entire Universe:

Christina Lind & Eden Riegel

Are you as excited as we are?

BIANCAPALOOZA!

Next Friday, January 20, 2012

Tune in to Soap Central Live!

SPECIAL 2 HOUR EPISODE
5pm Eastern / 2pm Pacific

Call In (Toll Free)
866-472-5788

Twitter: @soapcentrallive

# # #

Biancapalooza Countdown * Have You Ever . . . ?

2012-01-12T10:37:00.001-06:00

Question #24

for Eden & Chrissie:

Have you ever heard of the term "fanwank"?

And, if you have, can you fanwank a reason for Reese's abandonment of her kids and decision to divorce Bianca via Blackberry?

# # #

Biancapalooza Countdown * The Day We All Became Minxbians

2012-01-11T12:06:00.000-06:00

Question #23

for Chrissie:

Everybody knows we are the biggest Bianca/Reese fans on the planet, but did you know the moment we became Minxbians too?

Sarah Glendening as Marissa

C'mon! Who can resist that sweet, befuddled face?
Not us! And apparently, not Binks....

What was it like to tape the scene where Bianca confesses her "attraction" to Marissa and Binks has to watch the explosion of conflicted emotions rush across her best friend's face?

(BTW, You gals were all kinds of awesome in these scenes.)

# # #

Biancapalooza Countdown * ERICA F***ING KANE

2012-01-10T22:12:00.000-06:00

Question #22

for Eden & Chrissie:

So, what's it like to work with one of the most famous, fabulous, fantastic women in all of television history?

And, what sort of secrets does she keep hidden in her hair?

Susan Lucci

# # #

Biancapalooza Countdown * Just checking ...

2012-01-09T17:52:00.000-06:00

Question #21

for Eden & Chrissie:

Do you love and admire this lady with a fierce and passionate devotion the same way we do?


Agnes Nixon, Creator of One Life to Live & All My Children

# # #

Biancapalooza Countdown * Sister Act!

2012-01-08T20:28:00.000-06:00

Question #20

for Eden & Chrissie:

Is it possible the single most important relationship in Bianca's life was actually with ... Kendall?

❤ ❤ ❤ KINKS 4EVER ! ❤ ❤ ❤

# # #

Biancapalooza Countdown * The Book of Love

2012-01-07T10:55:00.000-06:00

Question #19

for Eden & Chrissie:

Both Kendall and Erica have had their own books published, why not Binks? Don't you think, considering all Bianca has experienced, that her memoir would be an instant bestseller?

(We do!)

# # #

Biancapalooza Countdown * We're Going to the Chapel

2012-01-06T10:08:00.000-06:00

Question # 18

for Eden:

What was it like for you and Tamara to be part of a groundbreaking and breathtakingly beautiful wedding, and did you get any special, 'expert' advice from Susan Lucci?

Bianca & Reese's Wedding

# # #

Biancapalooza Countdown * Pride & Prejudice

2012-01-05T09:34:00.000-06:00

Question #17

for Eden & Chrissie:

We are so very proud of you for being outspoken supporters of gay rights and gay marriage and gay love and all that is gloriously Gay in any way....

Eden Riegel NOH8

Sarah Glendening + Christina Lind = MINX

Does the nonsense, like what is happening in Tennessee*, ever make you insanely, deeply, disturbingly sad and angry?

And doesn't it remind you of the importance and relevance and power of Bianca's story?

*The Family Action Council of Tennessee said in a newsletter emailed to supporters Tuesday that one of its top priorities for 2012 will be passage of legislation that changes the state’s anti-bullying law “to make sure it protects the religious liberty and free speech rights of students who want to express their views on homosexuality." View the news article here.

http://www.tennessean.com/article/20120101/NEWS02/301010068/Political-Notebook-Group-mounts-campaign-change-anti-bullying-rules-gays?odyssey=nav|head
# # #

Biancapalooza Countdown * A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes

2012-01-04T10:21:00.001-06:00

Question #16

for Eden & Chrissie:

Christina Bennett Lind

Eden Riegel

Isn't it time you chicks got back to work?

(We are unhappy about the distinct lack of pretty on our TVs with you gals not being on there every day!)

If you could be on any Network or Cable TV program, which show would you like to be on, and what character would you like to portray?

# # #

Biancapalooza Countdown * A Day In The Life

2012-01-03T10:35:00.000-06:00

Question #15

for Eden & Chrissie:

What does Binks Do All Day?

(we have our own theory)

# # #

Biancapalooza Countdown * Love Is A Many Splendored Thing

2012-01-02T21:20:00.000-06:00

Question #14

for Eden & Chrissie:

(Ellen's version of the Question)
Who was the love of Bianca's life?
(Portia's version of the Question)
Who is Bianca's Lobster?

# # #

Biancapalooza Countdown * Happy Birthday Eden!

2012-01-01T19:23:00.001-06:00

Question #13

for Eden Red Sonja Jane Riegel

Have you forgiven us yet for suggesting that an appropriate birthday gift for you would be a chain mail bikini in the style of Red Sonja, She Devil With a Sword?

Gee, we hope so!
(For those of you who are especially observant- Why, yes! Yes we did choose a Red Sonja cover with a Pirate trying to force our heroine to walk the plank. A very astute comparison to the way Pratt treated Eden, don't you think? Kudos to you for noticing!)

(For those of you who don't remember the original Red Sonja reference, watch this.)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY EDEN! We love you!!
(with or without a chain mail bikini)
xoxo, Ellen & Portia

# # #

Biancapalooza Countdown * New Year's Resolutions?

2011-12-31T21:55:00.000-06:00

Question #12

for Eden & Chrissie:

What do you think Bianca's New Year's Resolutions Might Be?

(We have some ideas....)

# # #

Biancapalooza Countdown * Double Your Pleasure, Double Your Fun?

2011-12-30T11:12:00.002-06:00

Question #11

for Eden & Chrissie:


Alexa Havins as Babe

Sarah Glendening as Marissa

Seriously, we need to know -- does Bianca have a thing for twins?

(She does! We know she does...)

Liz Hendrickson as Frankie

Liz Hendrickson as Maggie

# # #

Biancapalooza Countdown * The Littlest Kane

2011-12-29T10:03:00.000-06:00

Question #10

for Eden & Chrissie

Don't you think one of Bianca's greatest story-lines could have been the saga of The Long Suffering, Tortured Mother of Gabrielle, who is surely on course to become a semi-psychotic, diabolical, misunderstood, crafty, trouble-maker, sex-pot not unlike her Aunt Kendall in her early days?*

*For which, we blame Reese.

# # #

Biancapalooza Countdown * Who Shot JR?

2011-12-28T10:53:00.002-06:00

Question #9

for Chrissie

In your opinion, who bit JR's bullet? Because according to the laws of All My Children, the least deserving person is the most likely to get shot (so, therefore, according to our calculations, Bianca is screwed).

((AND, if Bianca did get shot, did Marissa tackle JR, grab his gun and shoot his balls off? Or does that just happen in our version of the scene?))

# # #

Biancapalooza Countdown * Why, God, Why?!?

2011-12-27T11:15:00.002-06:00

Question #8

for Eden & Chrissie & Dan J Kroll

WHY in the name of Agnes Nixon, did not one single writer employed by All My Children ever give us a story where Bianca is the one who is relentlessly, romantically, hopelessly pursued?

Cause, in our humble opinion, it is a glaring omission. And in case nobody besides us ever noticed *ahem* (cough cough) the 2 chicks who have played grown up Bianca are most definitely what a lot of people call "hotties." C'mon! We're just sayin'!

Sorry for the run on sentence. Brain meltdown in progress.....

# # #

Biancapalooza Countdown * And Binx Shall Lead Them

2011-12-26T10:46:00.000-06:00

Question #7

for Chrissie

Out of all the characters on All My Children,
how crazy is it that the first to have a sex tape is Bianca?

# # #

Biancapalooza Countdown * Christmas Miracles

2011-12-26T09:50:00.001-06:00

Question #6

for Eden

What was it like to be at the center of the
biggest, grandest, most emotional
Christmas Miracle Episode
in the 41 year history of
All My Children?

# # #

Biancapalooza Countdown * Do Ask! Do Tell!

2011-12-24T08:32:00.002-06:00

Question #5

for Eden & Chrissie

Sailors share US Navy's first official gay kiss.
"Marissa Gaeta, petty officer 2nd class of Placerville, California, is shown kissing her girlfriend Citlalic Snell,
also a naval officer, of Los Angeles, in the rain at Virginia Beach. Behind them is the USS Oak Hill,
an amphibious landing ship from which Gaeta has just disembarked after 80 days at sea.
By being selected as the crew member to make the traditional "first kiss" ashore,
Gaeta stepped off the ship and into the history books." THE GUARDIAN

When you see images like the one above
do you feel a tinge of pride knowing that
Bianca Montgomery* helped make
this moment possible?

Read full story here.

*Bianca Montgomery and all positive portrayals of LGBT characters depicted in the media.
Though we would say there have been none more positive than Binks!

# # #

Do They Know It's Christmas Biancapalooza Countdown

2011-12-23T10:41:00.000-06:00

Question #4

Eden & Chrissie:

What was the BEST or WORST
present you ever received?

# # #

Biancapalooza Countdown Continues.....

2011-12-22T10:22:00.000-06:00

Question #3

for Eden & Chrissie

~ ~ ~

We consider Bianca's ability to tear up,
sniffle with pride, cry prettily,
weep with dignity and slay you
with the slightest chin quiver,
a bona fide Super Power.

Have you ever been tempted
to use this power outside the studio
to manipulate poor, unsuspecting,
defenseless humans?

# # #

Biancapalooza Countdown

2011-12-21T09:32:00.001-06:00

Question #2

Eden & Chrissie:

Have you ever wished you could
play with our Bianca Shrine?

T -30 Days & Counting

2011-12-20T09:57:00.000-06:00

Are You As Excited As We Are?!?

Cause we're hyperventilating!

In honor of this unprecedented event, we are doing a COUNTDOWN
in which we will reveal one question a day that we would like to ask
Eden or Chrissie, or Eden and Chrissie,
during their appearance on Soap Central Live!

(Did you know Chrissie said it was OK for us to call her Chrissie
when she was originally on Soap Central Live? Yes, that's right.
We're in with the in crowd. We're Chrissie's Best Buds!
Well ... of the animated variety, anyway.)

So ... without further ado ...

Eden & Chrissie:

Question #1:

Cake or Pie?

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Soap Opera Weekly + Minx = WIN

2011-08-20T17:01:00.001-05:00

Hallelujah!! All My Children Lives!!

2011-07-07T14:36:00.002-05:00

God Bless the production company Prospect Park!

It was inevitable really . . .

2011-06-05T23:57:00.002-05:00

Awwwwwwwwwww

2011-05-29T21:39:00.002-05:00


Jack Oscar Miller aka Prince Poopsalot

Yeah, we know. Eden's adorable baby boy was born last week. We have lives too, people! But anyway. LOOK AT THAT FACE. They have updated Webster's Dictionary. Check it out. Look up "Adorable" and you will see Jack Oscar Miller. He's perfect. Which we all knew he would be, given his parentage.

Congratulations Eden and Andrew. Welcome to the world, Jack!

Love, E & P.

Absolute Eden Charity Auction

2011-05-09T22:28:00.000-05:00

The gals over at Eden's Official Fan Club have put together an awesome auction to benefit HPP, Homeless Prenatal Program, a wonderful organization in San Francisco that is dedicated to breaking the cycle of childhood poverty.

Eden and a couple of her "friends" have generously donated several items that will be auctioned off to the highest bidder and all proceeds will go to HPP. You can bet we'll be in on the action. We have our eye on the box of condoms signed by the Imaginary Bitches themselves, Catherine and Heather. Hmmm, do you think they signed the box using invisible ink?

FOLLOW THESE LINKS TO:

Get all the details at ABSOLUTE EDEN!
See the Auction Items on EBAY!
Learn more about HPP!

Send complaints about there not being a pic up for auction of Eden wearing a chain mail bikini directly to @MillerLoLife on Twitter.

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We'll Always Have Paris

2011-05-06T00:25:00.004-05:00

Dear Friends,

As many of you have probably noticed, we have been mostly silent throughout the AMC & OLTL

cancellation debacle. We are sure it perplexes you, and perhaps even, pisses you off. Please be assured, it was not an easy decision for us, nor one that was made lightly.

Who knew that when we decided to animate ourselves two years ago and strike a satiric blow against Chuck Pratt and AMC in defense of Eden Riegel that our supercilious silliness would result in instant internet fame! (Fame, but alack, no fortune.) No matter! We did it for love, not money. And we would do it again (indeed, WILL do it again) should Eden (or Tamara or Chrissie) ever be so maligned and mistreated in so shameful a manner by people who should really, know better.

Over the past two years, as we continued our cavalcade of corny jokes, clever quips and unconditional love for the characters of Bianca and Reese and the women who've brought them to life, we've tried hard to evolve and emulate the best qualities of the characters we hold so dear. (In other words, we're hoping to be nicer, kinder, gentler people. AND IT'S FUCKING HARD.)

Ranting and raving and wringing ourselves into knots over the state of affairs at All My Children has not been as satisfying or productive as we'd hoped. And yet, we do not regret for a moment any of the time and effort we have put in to trying to draw attention to the importance and relevance of Bianca Christine Montgomery and her smoking hot wife, Reese. And yet . . .

. . . well, we can only hope that we've made a small bit of difference. We hope that, even though we've been fighting for a lost cause as far as Binks goes, it's not all been wasted time. This is a battle worth fighting. As long as actors get hate mail for portraying gay characters, and same sex marriage is illegal across most of the USA, and legislators write laws proclaiming you can't say gay, then we need to keep fighting. And we will.

Here's the thing. We're not going to continue fighting by creating more videos with the Pirate Shirted Menace or the Bespectacled Bastard. A wise man once said: "If once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will." Ok, Yoda said it. Still, wise words. Are we shallow people if we look to Star Wars for moral advice? We don't think so. Consider this: Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering. Haven't we all suffered enough?

We're committed to turning over a new leaf. Plus, our lives (the actual real ones, not the animated ones) are on the brink of big changes. Unfortunately it is still necessary to protect our true identities, so we can't give you any real details, but we will tell you that these changes involve dramatic (temporary?) re-locations for the both of us, which will result in fun new stamps in our passports!

Very soon Portia will have to handle being subjected to gelato, pasta, and copious amounts of red wine on a daily basis while risking overexposure to all things Renaissance. Meanwhile Ellen is trying to figure out how she will contend with Medieval mayhem, serious potential for numerous encounters with men in kilts, and a permanent stay at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry (or, at least, a stay down the street from Hogwarts). Still and all, changes that fall into the OMG WTF AM I DOING? category and cause you to reassess and reevaluate your life choices.

In other words, much like Eden and Tamara, we're moving on. Not to other fictional soap towns or to very real motherhood, but fear not! – we aren’t abandoning our post. We'll still keep tweeting and blogging and acting silly. We'll still defend and protect our girls, too. We'll sign petitions, and write letters and make phone calls and express our love for soaps, but we're not going to make anymore sarcastic, scathing, mean-spirited videos. We're going to focus on the love, not the hate. We think Binks would approve.

So in conclusion let us say:

We love soap operas. We particularly love All My Children and especially love the fabulous Kane women and we undeniably adore Bianca. We want her story to go on forever, and we really, really, really want Bianca to get the love and respect she so richly deserves.

We think Agnes Nixon created a masterpiece when she created All My Children, and there's no reason in the world, except corporate greed and laziness, that the show should not be successful for as long as people are still human beings. For as much as people need food and shelter, they need and crave and seek out stories.

Who knows why we are captivated by some stories and not others? Why some characters inspire us and touch our hearts or make us melt into puddles and turn us into lovesick saps?

Did we want to lose our Straight Cards because of Eden and Tamara's ridiculously seductive, outrageously sexy, incredibly poignant, deliciously sweet daily displays of hot eye sex? No, we did not. And yet, we were unable to resist the power of so much pretty. Yes, it's ridiculous, we know that! But isn't it part of the allure and charm of soap operas, that certain characters and couples can have an inexplicable effect on our hearts?

Stories are powerful. Unfortunately the people in control of the stories don't always play fair, or play nice. Sometimes they want to take their ball and go home and count their money.

Instead of railing against the unfairness of it all, or doing our best to publicly shame those we feel are most responsible for this travesty, we have chosen to step back and use the small voice we have to say "Thank you."

Thank you Agnes Nixon for creating Erica Kane and her daughters. For bringing socially relevant stories to daytime tv and making 40 years of life in Pine Valley entertaining, frustrating and heartwarming.

Thank you Susan Lucci for coming down from Mount Olympus to bring us the brilliant, gorgeous, complex, delightful dynamo, Erica Kane into our puny little lives.

Thank you Christina Bennett Lind for letting us call you "Chrissie" and keeping Bianca alive and well. You had an impossible task and you stepped in and have played the part with integrity, grace and beauty. You deserve every accolade we can think of to express our gratitude.

Thank you Tamara Braun for being your sweet, smoking hot, dairy free self; for taking on the role of Reese and persevering through the most egregious, flagrant fuckery ever perpetrated against a character, straight or gay. For giving Reese both depth and pathos, and for revealing to us all the astounding sexiness of the world's most gentle, sweet and beloved little lesbian, Bianca Montgomery.

And to Eden Riegel. What can we say that we haven't already said? Thank you for your grace, your kindness, and your generosity. Thank you for sharing your time with us, on television and over twitter. Thank you for watching our ridiculous videos, reading our goofy blog posts and letting us interview you. Thank you for the laughter and tears we’ve shared over the years. You are one in a million. You are better than a Real Life Disney Princess. You are the sweetest human being in the history of human beings. And Blueberry is one lucky kid.

And, of course, we thank you for naming Blueberry after us…

What? “Pellen” is a great name!

Seriously, Eden, thank you for taking the high road, as it gave us the once in a lifetime chance to take the low road, a road that has enriched our lives and brought us so much joy. Not to mention the fun we've had!

And finally, thanks to all of you who have read the blog, watched our videos and followed us on Twitter. Your spirit, strength, and humour have been the greatest gift over these last two years. We hope you will stick with us on the next phase of our Pratt Falls journey!

Much love,

Ellen & Portia

You'll Never Guess Who Tweeted Us!!

2011-05-03T23:21:00.000-05:00

Do you have any idea how hard (not to mention awkward) it is to try to explain cheese jokes? Oy.

###

ABC Save Our Soaps Protests

2011-04-26T23:38:00.000-05:00

We arranged for a message to be delivered to ABC studios in NYC and LA.
Did anybody see it? Here's a pic:

[Caption.iT - Face in Hole]

RIP AMC

2011-04-14T21:10:00.000-05:00

What an Auspicious Day! Binx Squared

2011-04-08T15:03:00.002-05:00

The only thing that could possibly make this pic sweeter is if Tamara Braun were in the middle of it. We're just sayin'....

i love you much(most beautiful darling)
by e.e. cummings

i love you much(most beautiful darling)
more than anyone on the earth and i
like you better than everything in the sky

-sunlight and singing welcome your coming

although winter may be everywhere

with such a silence and such a darkness
noone can quite begin to guess

(except my life)the true time of year-

and if what calls itself a world should have
the luck to hear such singing(or glimpse such
sunlight as will leap higher than high
through gayer than gayest someone's heart at your each

nearness)everyone certainly would(my

most beautiful darling)believe in nothing but love

###

Absolute Eden Podcast

2011-03-29T22:08:00.005-05:00

Eden's Official Fan Club, Absolute Eden, has posted a podcast with Eden.

It's awesome. Give it a listen right here: ABSOLUTE POD.

Those Horrible Rumors

2011-03-23T12:57:00.000-05:00

We know! We're bereft thinking about our favorite soap possibly being axed in favor of a useless talk show. As a matter of fact, we are so overcome with the possibility of All My Children's demise we are moping around in a chocolate induced daze.

For now all we have to say is, if you want to save AMC please call, write, tweet, email and sign petitions to let ABC know you want to save the show!

Our friends over at The Pine Valley Exposer have all the info you need to contact ABC. Go visit them here.

C'mon!! Go right now! What are you waiting for?

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Our Twitter Petition

2011-02-16T09:17:00.002-06:00

Save Bianca & Reese's Marriage on All My Children

Gather 'round and hear us please,
A tragic tale for beloved Breese,

About a couple bright and gay,
Whose happiness was ripped away.

By a writing team without a clue,
Whatever can we fans do?

To save Bianca from this pain,
IT'S TIME TO ACT LIKE A TRUE KANE!

Rally round and hear our plea!
Surely we can all agree -

Bianca Montgomery deserves respect
not this pitiful, lousy train wreck!

A divorce by proxy? Over the phone?
This f*ckery we'll not condone!

Please join us in telling the Powers That Be
That this is what you want to see --

Bianca and Reese together and happy.
Anything less is just plain crappy.

Sign the Twitter Petition here: http://twitition.com/ohyjq
You must be logged in to Twitter to participate.

Or you can send a copy of this rhyming couplet rant to Brian Frons in email:
brian.frons@abc.com

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Letter to Brian Frons

2011-01-27T16:54:00.001-06:00

Dear Friends, it has come to our attention that The Powers That Be at AMC are moving towards the Tammy Wynette Solution in regards to Binks' marriage. Yes, the ugly D.I.V.O.R.C.E. word has been uttered.

We're beyond throwing humor at the situation, it's time to put on our frowny faces. We've written a letter to Mr. Frons that we hope each and every one of you will copy and paste into an email, or your very own word document. We hope you will add your own comments. But if you're too lazy for that, PLEASE PLAGIARIZE US. INDEED THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT WE WANT YOU TO DO!!

Now, if only we could get Eden to do a creative reading of this on YouTube, complete with tears and chin quivers, our efforts might get noticed.....

###

Date: ____________, 2011

Brian Frons

President of ABC Daytime

ABC, Inc.

2300 Riverside Drive

Burbank , CA 91506

Email: brian.frons@abc.com

Dear Mr. Frons,

Please feel free to share this letter with

___ Julie Hanan Carruthers and

___ Anne Sweeney and

___ Whoever Happens to Be on the Writing Staff of All My Children This Week.

I have read the recent All My Children spoilers regarding Bianca and I am writing to
___ ask you to

___ beg you to

___ implore you to

reconsider her filing for a divorce.

I am a

___ regular

___ occasional

___ reluctant

viewer who has watched All My Children for

___ weeks.

___ months.

___ years.

___ my entire life.

Not that it should matter, but I want you to know that I myself am

___ gay.

___ not gay.

___ not sure yet of my sexuality.

I think it is

___ important

___ imperative

___ inherently the decent thing to do

that you respect Bianca and Reese's marriage and reconsider this divorce business. In the grand scheme of soap operas, I understand that one divorce is

___ inconsequential.

___ trivial.

___ practically a non-event.

But Bianca is a unique case!

Gay marriage is a very important issue in our country. I am sympathetic to the fact that you would like to avoid

___ controversy.

___ hate mail.

___ negative publicity.

___ the wrath of fans.

If this issue wasn't so important to me I wouldn't bother writing to you. But I feel

___ extremely

___ strongly

___ passionately

compelled to share my thoughts with you about Bianca and Reese.

Quite honestly, I

___ love Reese.

___ hate Reese.

___ adore Reese.

___ couldn't care less about Reese.

But that's not the point. The point is Bianca is one of the few, positive representations of a gay person on daytime television. With so much of America divided and conflicted over the rights of gay people to marry I believe All My Children has a responsibility to respectfully honor Bianca and Reese's marriage.

I fully understand that you have probably already been contacted by well funded, loud, angry activists who would like to eliminate all portrayals of gay people in the media. Especially positive portrayals. And historically there has hardly been a more positive portrayal of a gay person anywhere on television than that of Erica Kane's daughter, Bianca.

Agnes Nixon knew when she decided that the character of Bianca would come out as gay that she was inviting controversy. She understood that there would be viewers who did not want a gay person to disrupt their enjoyment of their show. She knew that by making Erica Kane's daughter gay she insured that the issue would be a front burner story. And most importantly, Agnes knew that by making Bianca a sympathetic, intelligent, good hearted person she would challenge her viewer's prejudices about homosexuality.

Everyone knows that it is next to impossible to change a person's mind about a deeply held belief by appealing to them with logic, statistics, facts and figures. Ironically this approach almost always backfires. People become more entrenched in their beliefs after being presented with evidence that refutes the validity of their prejudices.

But if you can touch their heart, you can change their mind. Bianca's story touched the hearts of millions of All My Children fans and changed many, many minds. I sincerely ask you to continue to tell Bianca's story with the same compassion and respect that was used when she came out as a teenager, and to honor her marriage with Reese.

I understand that weddings are a dime a dozen on daytime and that writers believe that happy couples are boring couples. But Bianca's wedding to Reese was unlike any other wedding on daytime and their right to marry is still an unresolved controversy in America. Please don't diminish the importance of this event by unceremoniously having Bianca divorce Reese. It is disrespectful and irresponsible.

And finally I ask that you remember that by honoring Bianca's marriage you have the opportunity and the power to change even more hearts.

Thank you,

________________________________________________

A thoughtful viewer with a fully functional remote control.

###

Download a Copy of the LETTER TO BRIAN FRONS

The Evil Storyline Department at ABC Daytime

2011-01-20T20:35:00.001-06:00

We're Just Trying to Be Helpful

2011-01-14T12:27:00.001-06:00

You may have heard the rumors that Brian Frons is working on a replacement for the current head writers of All My Children. We offered twice before (here and here) to take over the reigns but nobody seems interested.... Does that deter us from trying to be helpful? No it doesn't. Cause we're big hearted that way.

Of course, if we were in charge of AMC it would become The Big Gay Bianca Show and Reese would be back in Pine Valley faster than you can say "Lesbians?! What lesbians?!" But we also realize that there are other characters on the show and we wouldn't just forget about them. No, we have plans for almost everybody.

Since Fronsie isn't interested in our ideas, we thought we would share them with you, our faithful readers. In no particular order, here are some storylines we conjured up almost completely without effort. No seriously, it was about as strenuous as making toast. And still, there are some ideas in here that are far better than anything we're seeing on AMC right now. Are we wrong?

RANDOM STORY IDEA LIST FOR AMC:

Greenlee dumps Ryan, joins the Ice Capades, makes millions developing new cosmetics line for Johnny Weir.
David is convicted of being as a**hole & is ordered to perform piano concerts at OakHaven & state penitentiary for the rest of his life.
Kendall teams up w/Rev Ricky to create the biggest Mega Church in the Northeast supporting liberal causes & social justice issues. They also organize a massive boycott of Chick-fil-A.
Jesse arrests Liza for impersonating a human being.
Griffin forsakes medicine to open a Latin Dance School. Tad is his first student.
Amanda enrolls in Med School to impress Jake & accidentally discovers a cure for Angie's blindness.
Randi is in a tragic car accident that destroys her vocal chords. She recovers by learning how to express herself thru interpretive dance.
Colby & Asher go hiking in Tuscarora State Forest & get lost. Once a month we check in on them. Asher is chopping wood w/his shirt off.
Erica Kane, Victoria Lord & Wendy Williams team up for a new daytime talk show.
Krystal takes over an aging, rundown animal shelter & tries to get every resident of Pine Valley to adopt a pet.
JR, in his never ending quest to prove he is a good father, becomes AJ's Cub Scout Leader. Bear Cub, Wolf Cub & Webelos included!
Opal & Annie take over Wildwind & turn it into Grey Gardens.

###

Happy Birthday Eden!

2011-01-01T16:53:00.002-06:00

From your two craziest admirers, a sincere wish for a very happy birthday and a new year full of joy!

Much love, Ellen & Portia

PS: Everybody should go check out the awesome video "Absolute Eden" made for the occasion.

Hark the Herald, Pratt Falls Sings!

2010-12-20T10:10:00.000-06:00

Hark the herald Pratt Falls sing
Glory to the the new found Binks!
Please don't have a divorce filed
Let Binks & Reese be reconciled!
Joyful all ye fans should rise
No one in Pine Valley ever dies!
With the Pratt Falls chicks proclaim
"Don't let Reese take all the blame!"
Hark the herald Pratt Falls sing
Binks still wears her wedding ring!

Reese by Pratt Falls is adored
Without Reese, Binks sure is bored!
Please let Reese return from France,
Wearing groovy fancy pants!
Poor Mimo and little Gabby,
Need both their moms to not feel crabby!
Please don't treat the fans so shabby.
Binks without Reese makes us stabby!
Hark the herald Pratt Falls sings,
"Why do writers do these things?"

RANT

Hark the Herald Pratt Falls sings,
Glory to the new found Binks!
Please don't have a divorce filed
Let Binks & Reese be reconciled!

Joyful all ye fans should rise
Join our angry, mournful cries!
With the Pratt Falls chicks proclaim:
"Eden Riegel is not to blame!"

###

Emergency Missive to the Head Writers at All My Children

2010-12-13T17:14:00.001-06:00

TO: David & Donna; Donner & Blitzen; Laurel & Hardy
FROM: The Pratt Falls Chicks
DELIVER: HIGH PRIORITY

SUBJECT: PLEASE! We are begging you! Do Not Ignore Our Warnings!

Dear Starsky & Hutch, if you are still the Head Writers at AMC by the time this reaches you, we implore you, we beg you, we beseech you: BRING BACK REESE! Offscreen references to Bianca's legally wedded, smoking hot wife will not suffice. We repeat: Offscreen references can no longer be counted on to mollify the masses.

Bianca NEEDS her wife. REESE must be returned to Pine Valley ASAP. This is not just what we're hoping and wishing for! This is the only way to avoid complete and total anarchy in the Forest of Marginalized Gay Folk.

We've warned you before, to no avail. Did you care when we told you about the Rainbow Unicorns' Rampaging Stampede through the Forest causing brutal mutilation of the Stardust Glitter Fairies?! No you did not.

Did you heed our warning about the Killer Attack Bunnies? Or even inquire about the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, the only known defense against Killer Rabbits? No, of course not.

And because of your inconsiderate, heartless, indifference to the solitary suffering of Bianca Montgomery, there are now Armed Gnomes on the loose. Oh yes, you read that right. ARMED GNOMES. The Forest of Marginalized Gay Folk is at DefCon 4 people!

PLEASE NOTE: Your average Garden Gnome is typically a fun loving creature. Mischievous and prone to pranking their friends, but generally harmless. Their behavior changes drastically when under stress or after long periods of deprivation from their favorite Soap Opera Couple. It must also be noted, that Gnomes are particularly fond of Miranda and even the ill-begotten Gabby. Rumor has it that Garden Gnomes are the unknown protectors of Secret Sperm. We cannot, however, definitively confirm or deny this claim.

Armed Gnomes are said to be particularly fierce this time of year - snow covered, vertically challenged, heathens from the North. Lets hope Santa's Elven Army doesn't join their hellish brigade. That's the last thing anyone wants: gnomes and elves attacking innocent gingerbread houses with fiery fruit cakes and boiling egg nog. The inhumanity of it all!

In addition to alerting you to the impending crisis, the Gnomes have asked us to relate to you a List of Demands. We have translated from the original Gnome language as best we can:

1. Return Reese must to Bianca and her wee ones.

2. Lovey Dovey Goo Goo Eyes for the Reese all the times with much Bianca.

3. Snarl barking permissible for purposes only to make Sexy Eyes again again again.

4. Much wee ones huggy huggy time.

There were several more demands that are, frankly, indecipherable, but if we are able to translate them, we promise to send them along. Several references to Fedora's and ties were made. We're not sure why.

Please study the reconnaissance photo below, taken just this morning. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. Bring back Reese and give Bianca the Love Story she deserves or the Gnomes Will Attack!

##GrrrrArrgghh##

Bianca-Blow out! + Binks Squared! = THUD

2010-12-07T10:00:00.000-06:00

Well, we still don't know some essential information about one Ms. Christina Bennett Lind. Like if she prefers cake or pie; who her favorite Disney Princess is; or if she is okay with us calling her Chrissie. What we do know is, she reads this blog. << insert us doing our happy dance here >>

What's better than NuBinks reading our blog? How about the fact that AlphaBinks apparently stops by for a visit sometimes too! We submit for your consideration the following Twitter Evidence as received last night in response to the blog post previous to this one (Questions for Chrissie):

Did you read that, people? Chrissie & Eden discussing the relative hotness of Bianca & Heather getting it on.
Yep. That's what you read. You can thank us later. We accept latkes, any form of dark chocolate and cheese.

###

Questions for Chrissie!

2010-12-06T11:19:00.000-06:00

Did you know that our buddies over at The Pine Valley Exposer are going to be interviewing Christina Bennett Lind? AND, they are asking for folks to send them questions! (Deadline is Wed, Dec. 8)

How could we resist this sparkly opportunity to engage with Pine Valley's Loneliest Lesbian? We couldn't!

So, without further ado:

Here are our thoughtful, insightful, penetrating, erudite, sensitive questions for Chrissie:

From Ellen:
1. If you could write Bianca's next storyline, what would you like to see happen?

2. Has metaphorical motherhood been a challenge?

3. Have you heard of "Kinks"?

4. Do you realize that you have been actively participating in "Kinks" since accepting the role?

5. Is Susan Lucci's hair full of secrets?

6. Is it okay to call you Chrissie?

From Portia:
1. Cake or Pie?

2. If there were a cosmic soap opera world collision, and Pine Valley mystically converged with Genoa City, and Bianca Montgomery was charged with a crime she obviously didn't commit, but put her into the same orbit as hot shot lawyer Heather Stevens, would Binks put the moves on her?

2a. What moves would they be?

3. If Binks met Heather, would their proximity to one another cause all surrounding carbon based life forms to crystallize into rock candy sugar formations?

4. How exactly do you "practice eye sex"?

5. Did anybody warn you about us?

6. Who's your favorite Disney Princess?

Gee, we hope Chrissie chooses one or two of our questions to answer! We'll be quivering with fevered anticipation until the interview is published!

And, Chrissie -- if you want to answer any of our questions directly -- or send us a cease and desist order -- you can email us: prattfalls(at)yahoo.com.

###

The Official Thanksgiving Post

2010-11-25T13:15:00.003-06:00

As so often happens, our plans did not turn out as planned. But we wanted to do a kick ass, gratitude busting post for you. We just couldn't quite agree on what that would be exactly. So, in the interest of sharing with you the inner workings of our little blog, here is a transcript of our discussion about an Official Thanksgiving Post.

* * *

PORTIA: Should we do a Thanksgiving post on what we are thankful for?

ELLEN: Sure, why not?

PORTIA: Ok, let's make a list.

ELLEN: #1 - I am grateful for Soap Opera Characters Who Stay Dead.

PORTIA: Can you name one? Besides a character that was 80 years old, played by an actor who was 90 years old and who died in real life and is for real not coming back, even in a dream sequence, because they are, realio trulio dead?

ELLEN: What's your point?

PORTIA: Never mind. What else?

ELLEN: Dobby the House Elf.

PORTIA: Shut up! I haven't seen Deathly Hallows yet!!

ELLEN: Diet Coke.

PORTIA: You are a deeply shallow person, you know that?

ELLEN: Alicia Minshew's hair.

PORTIA: Finally! We agree on something. She has the most awesome head of hair on the planet. It's phenomenal. If we are ever in the same room as Alicia Minshew, promise me you will not let me embarrass myself by trying to touch her hair, because I'm not sure I could resist the temptation.

ELLEN: No worries. You are never going to be in a room with Alicia Minshew and her Awesome Head of Curls.

PORTIA: Why not? It could happen!

ELLEN: Keep dreaming, it's pathetic, but sweet.

PORTIA: Alicia might walk in to the same restaurant where Tamara and I are enjoying a glass of Pinot Noir and a fine cheese platter. And Tam would graciously invite her over to our table. It could totally happen.

ELLEN: Have you seen the latest photo of Tam? Unlike you, she is not a woman who has a close personal relationship with dairy products.

PORTIA: You may say that I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.

ELLEN: I am very close to insisting you get professional help.

PORTIA: You think I need help? ME? You're the one who spent 2 days polishing your Ninja Turtle Collection because you plan on bequeathing it to Eden's baby boy. Like she wants your old, disgusting Ninja Turtle toys for her son. Please!

ELLEN: They are in mint condition!

PORTIA: Yeah. Ok, April O'Neil, keep telling yourself that.

ELLEN: Can we finish this list, already? I have things to do.

PORTIA: Well, obviously we need to include our utter gratitude for Chrissie. The Bianca recast was fraught with potential disaster.

ELLEN: So true.

PORTIA: And yet she's been terrific as Bianca.

ELLEN: She would be even more terrific if she ever got an actual storyline.

PORTIA: When are they going to give that girl a chance to show her stuff? She must be chomping at the bit waiting for an opportunity to unleash her hidden Bianca powers.

ELLEN: I bet she's so disappointed at not getting any hot eye sex after 6 months. It's so unfair.

PORTIA: We've tried our best! D & D clearly are unaware of, or are unimpressed by, our thinly veiled threats.

ELLEN: They have no compassion for the havoc they're causing in the Forest of Marginalized Gay Folk. None.

PORTIA: How hard can it be to recast Reese?

ELLEN: All they need is a skinny blond actress with sexy eyes.

PORTIA: You could throw a rock in LA and hit 10 skinny blond actresses without even trying!

ELLEN: Poor Binks.

PORTIA: Poor Chrissie.

ELLEN: Poor us.

PORTIA: GrrrrArrgghhh!

ELLEN: Great now I'm pissed and we're supposed to be talking about what we're grateful for.

PORTIA: You know what? Fuck it. If Eden and Tam and Chrissie don't know how much we love and adore them by now, they never will. And we don't do what we do for their love and support anyway. We do it because . . . . . .

ELLEN: Because . . . ?

PORTIA: Yeah . . . why do we keep doing this?

ELLEN: Because . . .

PORTIA: . . . Martha would miss us if we stopped.

ELLEN: Definitely, she would.

PORTIA: And, it's an awesome coping mechanism.

ELLEN: So true. Wielding the Hammer at the constant fuckery feels liberating and powerful, even if it's all imaginary.

PORTIA: And we laugh at lot.

ELLEN: We do!

PORTIA: I am so very grateful for that.

ELLEN: Me too. And I thank you.

PORTIA: You're very welcome. I thank you too.

ELLEN: Can we eat pie now?

PORTIA: Wait!! I thought of some one else to add to the list!

ELLEN: Yes?

PORTIA: Chrishell!

ELLEN: Why?

PORTIA: Are you joking me? Why?! Because she totally agreed to pitch a story to D & D about how, when Reese finally returns, Amanda makes a play for her.

ELLEN: Chrishell did not promise to do that.

PORTIA: Sure she did.

ELLEN: Your gravy's got more than lumps in it. Seriously, what are you smoking?

PORTIA: Ok, just you wait. There will come a day, when we are all in the same room -- me, you, Real life Disney Princess Eden Riegel and her little Prince Poops-a-Lot, the Ever Elusive Internet Free Tamara Braun, Chrissie the Woefully Lonely, Never-Gonna-Get-to-Play-A-Real-Lesbian Thespian, Alicia Minshew with her Head of Awesome Curls, and Chrishell, decked out in full Julie Newmar Catwoman Glory -- and she will tell you herself.

ELLEN: It will never happen.

PORTIA: Why?

ELLEN: Because that much pretty in one room WOULD CAUSE THE UNIVERSE TO EXPLODE!

PORTIA: You have a point.

ELLEN: Where's the pie?

PORTIA: Screw the pie, where's the bourbon?

###

PS: For real, we wish all of you a very Happy Thanksgiving! Thanks for stopping by.

Ellen & Portia's Thanksgiving Recipe

2010-11-23T11:37:00.000-06:00

So, it's that time of year when Americans of all stripes gather for a massive holiday meal. Neither of us does much cooking - actually, there is a court order which strictly prohibits Portia from entering a kitchen with the intent to cook or operate a stove, but that's another story.

Our point is -- lots of folks are thinking about new and old recipes they'd like to try for the holidays and we thought we'd take a look at a few recipes too . . .

You've probably seen this old chestnut:

Recipe For A Happy Marriage

4 cups of Love
2 cups of Loyalty
Dash of Faith
3 cups of Kindness
4 cups of Understanding
1 cup of Friendship
5 spoonfuls of Hope
1 barrel of Laughter
Pinch of Forgiveness (no substitutions)
Dash of Thoughtfulness (not optional)

Take love and loyalty and mix thoroughly with faith.
Blend in kindness and understanding, add friendship and hope.
Sprinkle abundantly with laughter. Garnish with forgiveness and thoughtfulness.
Bake with sunshine.
Serve daily with generous helpings.

Then there is:
Recipe For A Daytime Soap - ABC Version

4 cups of Long Lost Love
6 cups of Lascivious Lust
Dash of Altered-Reality
3 Tablespoons of Kindness
1 Teaspoon of Friendship
1 Litre of Murderous Muck
2 gallons of Hysterical Theatrics

ADD DAILY:
Pinch of Common Sense (completely optional & easily omitted)
Dash of Humor (silliness substitute ok)
Pound of Salt (for rubbing in open wounds)

Take Love & Lust and remix repeatedly until dry, crusty, and unappetizing.
Blend in dash of altered-reality then remix and serve again.
Sprinkle abundantly with salt. Garnish with hysterical theatrics and dash of humor.
Top with Murderous Muck for special occasions or when contract negotiations dictate.
Bake with blowtorch.
Serve daily with antacids.

And finally:

The Pratt Falls Chicks' Recipe
for a Healthier, Tastier Daytime Soap

4 cups of True Love (Straight or Gay, does not matter)
6 cups of Hot Eye Sex
Dash of Hysterical Theatrics
6 cups of Family Dynamics apportioned thusly:
    2 cups of Meddling Mothers
    1 cup each of: Doting Dads, Squabbling Siblings,
      Annoying In Laws, Familial Loyalty

ADD DAILY:
Pinch of Absolute Absurdity
Dash of Danger
1 Litre of Common Sense
1 Pound of Plausible Plots
2 Cups of Mixed Nuts

Take True Love and mix with Family Dynamics until bubbling. Add Dash of Danger until mixture boils, then add 1/2 litre of common sense until mixture is creamy and smooth. Add nuts. Tenderize mixture with large, ancient stone hammer belonging to a Norse thunder god. Measure into 5 equal portions, serve Monday thru Friday around lunchtime. Enjoy!

###

Homelessness: We Give A Damn & So Does Eden

2010-11-18T11:17:00.000-06:00

Tragedy Is Imminent!

2010-11-14T23:13:00.003-06:00

No, we are not talking about Zach's death. We are talking about how once again Bianca is NOT MENTIONED in the All My Children spoilers. How is this possible?!? RAGE CAPS ALONE CANNOT CONVEY OUR FIERY ANGER!

Great balls of cat fur, do David Kreizman and Donna Swajeski even know who Bianca is or what imminent means?!

IMMINENT

: ready to take place; especially : hanging threateningly over one's head < in imminent danger of being attacked by killer bunnies in the Forest of Marginalized Gay Folk>

CLICK HERE to see what happens when writers ignore Bianca and deprive her of her smoking hot wife Reese.

We imagine Kreizman and Swajeski sitting in their ABC offices, thumbing through the AMC Bible, reading the additions, appendixes and notations made by Pratt. Including, but not limited to the official AMC definition of:

LESBIAN:
adjective -- of or pertaining to babysitter of children; bringer of tea.
noun -- an inhabitant of the twilight zone surrounding Pine Valley where people who have been killed but their body never recovered are kept in limbo until needed or wanted. Lesbians sometimes wither away and are lost to oblivion, and/or achieve successful careers beyond daytime tv. Also see "The Martin Attic." Famous AMC lesbians: Josh Duhamel.

# # GrrrArrgghh # #

The Bold & the Beautiful in 6 Minutes

2010-11-13T09:44:00.000-06:00

Somebody needs to do this for All My Children! We were simultaneously entertained and horrified . Kind of like watching this last election cycle....

###

Listen People! Heed Our Warning!

2010-11-08T11:23:00.002-06:00

Apparently the new Head Writers at All My Children are not aware of the chaos and turmoil they are causing in a parallel universe. Clearly they don't understand that by sidelining our beloved Bianca and keeping her separated from her smoking hot, legally wedded wife, Reese, they are responsible for severe disturbances in the Forest of Marginalized Gay Folk. The Rainbow Unicorns have gone mad and are stampeding! Killing innocent Stardust Glitter Fairies as they sun themselves on Moonblossom Mushrooms in the Field of Snowbutter Pansies.

For the love of Disney Princesses everywhere, we beg you David Kreizman and Donna Swajeski -- Give Christina Bennett Lind a Fucking Storyline and BRING BACK REESE. *

* DISCLAIMER: This post was posted following the use of legally prescribed painkillers. No actual Glitter Fairies were harmed. . . . but that could change. . . .

Happy Halloween!

2010-10-30T23:54:00.000-05:00

Ok, this isn't a Halloween related video. But it is awesome! We hope you enjoy it.
(Thank You @BuzzWorthyRadio for the link.)

Help Us Save Reese!

2010-10-28T22:21:00.001-05:00

"It Gets Better" (Broadway Sings for the Trevor Project)

2010-10-17T17:55:00.000-05:00

Quite Possibly Our Most Important Blog Post Ever

2010-10-07T12:44:00.001-05:00

Dear Friends,

We decided we wanted to use a bit of our little corner of the internet to talk about recent events involving the bullying of gay kids and the suicides that resulted from the bullying. We're filled with sorrow and outrage and consternation over what has happened in the past few weeks.

We send our condolences to the families of Tyler Clementi, Billy Lucas, Asher Brown, Justin Aaberg, Seth Walsh and the thousands of nameless teens who have suffered bullying and discrimination. You have our deepest sympathy and our thoughts and prayers are with you.

To the thousands of nameless adults who condone bullying, attend churches that preach a gospel of hatred towards homosexuality, to people in power who remain silent when insensitive, disparaging remarks are made about gays and lesbians we ask - what are you thinking? What happened to your heart? Has it shriveled up and died? No, seriously, it's a valid question.

For all the gains that have been made for fairness and equality, these suicides show us, in no uncertain terms, we still have a long way to go. We may not be celebrities or politicians or true "public figures" (hell, we only have 750 twitter followers!) - but we have a voice, and so do you. And now more than ever we must unite in order to spread a loud, clear message of love and respect. This act of unity must extend to all aspects of society: government, education and media.

We hope you'll join us in letting the television industry know that they are not exempt from this call to action! We especially want to encourage the soaps to stop running from their responsibilities in regards to gay characters. Bianca's coming out story on All My Children is now legendary. A watershed moment in TV history. A breakthrough for the LGBT community. Bianca Montgomery represents a whole generation of young gay people struggling to survive and fighting for equality. Why won't the current writers let her story continue to reflect the hopes and dreams and struggles of gay Americans?

We truly believe that the soaps have an obligation to tell the stories of the gay characters (that they created!) with intelligence, honesty, dignity and truth. These stories are powerful and important and need to be told.

Finally, we want to acknowledge that we will never be able to change the hearts or minds of self righteous, fear mongering, Bible/Koran/Torah thumping bigots by expressing our disgust for them. The only useful thing we can do is stand up and speak out. We shall tweet, blog and youtube ourselves repeatedly to let the world know:

1. We're not afraid of the gay. In fact we delight in all the wonderful things gays have brought to the world.

2. We do not believe in a God that hates. Anyone.

3. We will not tolerate anyone making anti-gay comments in our presence. Which means if you get your gay hate on while we're around, you can expect us to call you out for it, which may include one or both of us breaking into song, which may or may not be a song from Into the Woods and/or South Pacific.

and

4. We will fight to our last breath for the right of Bianca Christine Montgomery to have a meaningful, long and lusty love life with her legally wedded, smoking hot wife, Reese. Because all of us, gay and straight, deserve to have a meaningful, long and lusty love life with someone who we find as smoking hot as Reese. It's a basic, fundamental human right.

So say we all.

And to any LGBT kids out there who might have stumbled upon this blog -- we want to reiterate the message that "It Gets Better." All My Children probably won't get much better, but your life -- definitely will.

Please join us in supporting these worthy organizations and the important work they do:

The Trevor Project * http://www.thetrevorproject.org/ * Toll free hotline: 866-488-7386
The Trevor Project is a nonprofit endeavor established to promote acceptance of lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning (LGBTQ) youth, and to aid in suicide prevention among that group.

GLSEN * http://www.glsen.org
GLSEN is an education organization creating safe schools for all lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people. The Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network strives to assure that each member of every school community is valued and respected regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity/expression.

PFLAG - Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays * http://community.pflag.org/
PFLAG promotes the health and well-being of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender persons, their families and friends through: support, education, and advocacy.

WE GIVE A DAMN * http://www.wegiveadamn.org/
The Give a Damn Campaign is for everybody who cares about gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender equality. But, it’s especially for all you straight people out there! Whether you’re already an active supporter, want to show your support for the first time, or hadn’t given equality a lot of thought before and now want to learn more, we are here to help you get informed about the issues and get involved, at a pace that works for you.

NOH8 * http://www.noh8campaign.com/
the NOH8 Campaign is a photographic silent protest created by celebrity photographer Adam Bouska (http://www.bouska.net) and partner Jeff Parshley in direct response to the passage of Proposition 8. Photos feature subjects with duct tape over their mouths, symbolizing their voices being silenced by Prop 8 and similar legislation around the world, with "NOH8" painted on one cheek in protest.

FAITH IN AMERICA * http://www.faithinamerica.com/
The mission of Faith In America is three-fold: a) to educate the public about the harm caused to gay Americans when religion-based bigotry and prejudice is used to justify condemnation, discrimination and violence; b) to aggressively challenge such oppression by anyone who promotes it or attempts to justify it; and c) to aggressively confront the social respectability and acceptability afforded to Americans who cite religion-based bigotry to oppress gay Americans.

Also, you might want to take time to read this very well written op-ed by Alfred P. Doblin at the North Jersey Record http://www.northjersey.com/columnists/doblin/doblin_100410.html

And last but not least - Let your voice be heard!

ONLINE CONTACT FORMS FOR MAJOR NETWORKS
http://abc.go.com/site/contact-us
http://www.cbs.com/info/user_services/fb_global_form.php
http://nbc.researchresults.com/?s=10

Thanks for your time! Ellen & Portia

Unsolicited Feedback

2010-09-23T22:40:00.000-05:00

We found a wonderful website called The Bureau of Communication and we wanted to alert all of you so that you can take advantage of this wonderful service!

We know, because we listened to the Tune In Tomorrow podcast on Blog Talk Radio, that the Powers That Be in Daytime Soaps don't pay any attention to what soap fans on the internet have to say. Apparently, they think we're all insane. What do they expect from people who watch their shows? The insanity is contagious.

Anyways . . . we just thought it was time to provide Unsolicited Feedback and the Airing of Grievances in a more formal manner. So we're going to print high quality copies of our Official Forms and send them to ABC.

We encourage you to visit the The Bureau of Communication website and use whichever forms suit your purposes (they have lots!) and send them to whomever you feel deserves it.

***

###

Can You Feel The Love Tonight?

2010-09-09T21:10:00.000-05:00

NuBianca thinks we're funny!

The make-up people hate us, but ... who cares!?!

The only bad thing about this admission on Chrissie's part -- (we feel empowered to call her Chrissie now that she's openly admitted she reads our little blog) -- if she has time to read our site, she's not getting any hefty storylines that would require her to be feverishly studying pages and pages of dialogue.

Nope, seems she has time to surf the net during work. This is not altogether good news for us, cause we WANT MORE BIANCA. Not Bianca the Babysitter, not Bianca the Office Girl, not Bianca the Bringer of Tea. We want Bianca the Patron Saint of All that is Good in Pine Valley front and center with a story of her very own. Of course our first choice would be a story of reconciliation between Bianca and her smoking hot wife, Reese. But at this point, we'll take what we can get.

In the meantime, we suppose we should be grateful to know NuBianca knows we exist. And she hasn't taken out a restraining order against us! Excelsior!

###

Reason #457 Why We Should Be Head Writers at All My Children

2010-08-31T23:12:00.001-05:00

WARNING: Excessive ALL CAPS abuse runs rampant through out this post.
Picture us watching today's episode of All My Children and insert string of unladylike expletives here.

PORTIA: %$&#*!@# Don't the "Good Story Telling Rules" still include "Show, Don't Tell" ?

ELLEN: Of course they do! And not only that, "Show, Don't Tell" is especially useful when writing for a visual medium such as -- television!

PORTIA: Well as far as I can tell, All My Children is still a television show. Though just barely.

ELLEN: Damn! I was so excited when we read the spoilers about Mimo being rushed to the hospital. Some actual DRAMA, potentially involving Bianca!!

PORTIA: Mimo!!

ELLEN: I love Mimo almost as much I love and adore Bianca.

PORTIA: And her other Mommy, the Ever Illusive Pine Valley Averse Reese.

ELLEN: NuMimo looks like a 7 year old Eden clone. It makes my heart hurt.

PORTIA: I still love original recipe Mimo. Wonder what Haley's up to these days?

ELLEN: I wonder if she has a Messiah Complex. If not she certainly deserves one.

PORTIA: I just don't understand AMC! C'mon, is this the way to create drama ??

1) put a small, adorable, universally cherished, messianic child in danger but DON'T ACTUALLY SHOW HER IN DANGER
2) have her new found friend, the crusty, old curmudgeon rescue her but DON'T ACTUALLY SHOW HIM RESCUING HER

ELLEN: Excellent job guys! The suspense is killing us. What happens next? Mimo is saved but we DON'T ACTUALLY GET TO SEE HER RESUSCITATED?

PORTIA: Well, y'know, where's the excitement in seeing any of that stuff? Maybe, if we're lucky we'll get to see something fun and different and exciting tomorrow like, like -- MARISSA CRYING! Wouldn't THAT be GREAT? Can't wait to see that. Again. Forty days and forty nights of non stop crying courtesy of Marissa. Gah!

ELLEN: Poor Bianca is the one separated from her smoking hot wife, she's got something to cry about. But does she cry? No! She babysits and plans parties.

PORTIA: Marissa is so mopey she almost makes me wish Babe would come back from the dead just to slap her.

ELLEN: Why do you say such horrible things?

PORTIA: Sorry, it must the bourbon and the broken dreams.

ELLEN: And what is with Caleb and Angie and the faux dramatic pause over Mimo's body???? Shouldn't they be taking her to the hospital ASAP?

PORTIA: Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

ELLEN: It should have looked like this:

1. Angie, stumbling around, the house FULL OF SMOKE.

PORTIA: Come on AMC, we'll host a fundraiser to buy you guys a damn smoke machine.

ELLEN:
2. Caleb barreling into Miranda's SMOKE FILLED room, pulling her little lifeless body from the haze.
3. Angie and Caleb rushing out the door to the sound of ambulances and cop cars in the air. Lots of smoke.

PORTIA: LOTS AND LOTS OF SMOKE.

ELLEN:
4. Quick cut to Bianca, as she falls to the ground screaming in pain - something is wrong with Miranda!

PORTIA: But everything will be alright. . . because .... it has to be.

ELLEN:
5. Quick cut to Kendall, screaming for Bianca because she feels Binks feeling Mimo in danger!
6. Quick cut to European city. It's night. Erica Kane wakes from a disturbed sleep. Her eyes flash -

PORTIA: KANE BABY INJURED! JACK WAKE UP! KANE BABY INJURED!

ELLEN:
7. Quick cut to Gabrielle, holding wire cutters and matches.

PORTIA: *cue Addam's family theme*

ELLEN:
8. Cut to Reese. Slouching over a table in a sleazy French bar holding a glass of cheap wine.

PORTIA: Mumbling incoherently over and over: "this is all my fault!"

ELLEN: WHY ARE WE NOT THE HEAD WRITERS OF THIS SHOW?!?!?!

PORTIA: WHY ARE THE CURRENT WRITERS LAZY AND CHEAP?!?!?

ELLEN: They didn't have a bedroom set so everything was offscreen?

PORTIA: Please! With a smoke machine and a Little Mermaid blanket they could have turned AJ's room into Miranda's room. Easy.

ELLEN: Do you think CBL will be able to successfully pull off Bianca in Mama Bear mode?

PORTIA: The real question is will they even bother to show us Bianca?

ELLEN: GrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrAArrgghhhhh

###

Just a few random thoughts . . .

2010-08-27T23:39:00.000-05:00

Even though we're still waiting for Y&R to give Eden the big, juicy, romantic, heroic and epic storyline she so richly deserves, we're mighty happy with their Wardrobe Dept. & folks responsible for dream sequences.

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

We like to give praise where praise is due!

###

Yea! NO H8!

2010-08-04T23:34:00.000-05:00

Finally! Prop 8 is overturned in California. We know there's still a long way to go before America catches up with more civilized countries like, oh - Canada! And Argentina, Belgium, Iceland, Netherlands, Norway, Portugal, South Africa, Spain and Sweden. But it's movement in the right direction.

Now, if we could only get the asshats at All My Children to bring back Reese so that Bianca could be reunited with her WIFE, we'd be truly happy. In the meantime, we'll celebrate today's victory.

Do a little dance. Make a little love. Get down tonight.

Monumental Mythic Musings

2010-07-22T23:49:00.006-05:00

Please let the title of this post serve as a warning to you, dear reader, that deep philosophical, sorta-pseudo metaphysical Joycean-style Joseph Campbell induced ramblings are on the way. We'll spare you any sort of attempt to justify this exchange. We're an odd pair of chicks who delight in over-analyzing our Bianca/Eden/Tamara/Reese obsession. We include it here for your amusement. As always, feel free to comment....

PORTIA: What are you doing?

ELLEN: Nothing, what are you doing?

PORTIA: Having a philosophical crisis.

ELLEN: Actually, I'm contemplating eating this bag of M&Ms while my brain degenerates into post-thesis mush.

PORTIA: Why would you contemplate eating M&Ms? Just eat them for god's sake.

ELLEN: Would the Loathly Lady eat M&Ms if offered to her?

PORTIA: Unless you & the Loathly Lady are planning to get into bikinis this weekend there is no good reason NOT to eat the M&Ms.

ELLEN: Good point.

PORTIA: Ok, can we talk about my crisis now?

ELLEN: Proceed.

PORTIA: I think I have a new theory on why I might be Bianca/Eden obsessed.

ELLEN: Might be?

PORTIA: Ok, fine. I can own it. I am obsessed. But I think I have figured out why. Finally.

ELLEN: Ok, what is it?

PORTIA: Well, you're aware that I do like me some serious mythology and am deeply interested in philosophy and frighteningly prone to over-analyzing stories that interest me.

ELLEN: And it's just one of the many reasons why I love you.

PORTIA: Sarcasm aside, Miss I Have A Masters Thesis in Medieval Literature, I have come to a very profound insight about our dear, beloved Bianca.

ELLEN: Does our dear, beloved Bianca even exist anymore? Now that she's not Eden, or Eden is not Bianca? And Bianca is without Reese? I mean, the new chick is fine. She seems to be a lovely person and a very good, competent actor, but...

PORTIA: She's not Eden. I know. . . but CBL is not what I want to talk about right now.

ELLEN: Ok, what is this blinding, profound insight?

PORTIA: Well, I am reading these two Joseph Campbell books --

ELLEN: Simultaneously?

PORTIA: Yes. Do you have a problem with that?

ELLEN: No.

PORTIA: Yes you do. You think it's weird.

ELLEN: No I don't.

PORTIA: Look at you! You're eating the M&Ms color by color.

ELLEN: So? I like to be organized.

PORTIA: Whatever. According to Joe, --

ELLEN: Are you on a first name basis now?

PORTIA: As a matter of fact, yes. According to Joe, the first function of mythology is "reconciliation" of the brutality of life with a gratitude for the sweetness of life.

ELLEN: Bianca knows about the brutality of life.

PORTIA: I know! Right? And, civilization's first mythologies affirm that even though life is full of "bitterness and pain" at it's core, our primary experience of life is sweetness.

ELLEN: My primary experience of life right now is sweetness, but I think it has more to do with gratitude for the M&Ms than with primitive mythology.

PORTIA: C'mon! This is important. Seriously, I can't overstate how significant I think this is!! -- The first mythologies were ones of affirmation of life. Reconciling the brutality and bitterness with the ultimate sweetness. Now if that is not the very heart and soul of Bianca Christine Montgomery's character, I don't know what is!!

ELLEN: Well, it's true, everything in Bianca's history is proof that the poor girl has suffered plenty.

PORTIA: And through it all she remained a good, life affirming person.

ELLEN: Ok, but ... this isn't exactly a news flash. We've always known Bianca is practically a saint. I mean, she did give birth to the Messiah, Little Mimo. And did you notice, the NuMimo looks exactly like Eden at age 7, which I think is weird. But whatever, at least Bianca has her babies back.

PORTIA: Focus Ellen, focus! Think about Bianca in mythic terms, and consider all that she has suffered and how she always, ALWAYS stays a good person! A "life-affirming" person! I'm convinced it has raised the level of the character to mythic standing.

ELLEN: Ooooh, I see what you mean. Do you think Agnes ever read Joseph Campbell?

PORTIA: Who knows. But, you know, merely writing a character with this quality is not enough. Having Bianca be played by an actor that physically, emotionally and intellectually projects the same sentiment is what is critical.

ELLEN: AMC had no idea how lucky there were. Finding Eden for Bianca was catching lightening in a bottle. It doesn't matter how talented a recast is, or whether the writers are able to come up with something moving and brilliant, Bianca without Eden is not Bianca. You've actually put your finger on why this is true.

PORTIA: It's not as simple as "we love Eden because she's so sweet and fun and cute!" Bianca + Eden = MONUMENTAL MYTHIC MAGIC.

ELLEN: Ok, you might have a propensity to overstate things a wee bit. Poor CBL, I wonder if she knew she was stepping into mythic shoes? And it's so true, that no matter what life, or Pratt, has thrown at Eden, she seems to respond with complete and utter kindness and a belief that the world is ultimately good. Just like Bianca does.

PORTIA: Yes! And in this day and age, when so many people are so deeply bitter and negative about EVERYTHING, it's refreshing and reassuring to see people, real and fictional, who still believe in the sweetness of life.

ELLEN: Uh, yeah, so, what makes this a philosophical crisis?

PORTIA: Well, there's more! You know the whole "follow your bliss" stuff, right?

ELLEN: Whatever the frak that means.

PORTIA: According to Joe "bliss" is "that deep sense of being present, of doing what you absolutely must do to be yourself." Again -- Hello Bianca!! Her coming out story is all about doing what you absolutely must do to be yourself.

ELLEN: And if Pratt hadn't ruined it, we might also have gotten to see Reese live out that kind of story.

PORTIA: GrrrrrArrrggghhhh.

ELLEN: That asshat's fuckery not only deprived us of the hottest lesbian eye sex on television, he damn near destroyed a mythic character!! I had no idea I could despise him more deeply than I already did but I think I do.

PORTIA: And may I just add, on the subject of Reese, I think one reason Reese is so important to the Bianca story is that her love for Bianca --hot eye sex being just one major indicator-- is proof of Bianca's wisdom in believing in the sweetness of life.

ELLEN: If there is anything sweeter than those two together with Miranda and their ill-begotten baby Gaby, I don't know what it is.

PORTIA: Good ole Joe also said that "the first function of mythology is to evoke in the individual a sense of grateful, affirmative awe before the monstrous mystery that is existence."

ELLEN: That's deep. And All My Children is frequently a monstrous mystery.

PORTIA: Somehow, someway, despite what was written for their characters, Eden and Tamara created a bond between Bianca & Reese that is indestructible and indescribably sweet. I mean, their wedding vows, for example, were so beautiful, and despite having to watch Greenlee drive herself off a cliff during their wedding ceremony, I felt full of that "grateful, affirmative awe."

ELLEN: Ah ha! So this is why you made all those sappy music videos.

PORTIA: Goddamnit! I WANT THEM BACK ON MY TV TOGETHER NOW AND FOREVER. Because while the rest of the world sucks donkeyballs those two made me believe in "the sweetness of life."

ELLEN: And that there is your crisis. I completely understand.

PORTIA: I knew you would.

ELLEN: Have some M&Ms.

###

Distracted from Distraction by Distraction

2010-06-18T21:59:00.000-05:00

Hi! We're not going to comment on Christina Bennett Lind's debut as Bianca. Not yet anyway. The gal needs a chance to find her feet and interact with all the other characters. And besides, we now have more important things to worry about! Do you follow us on Twitter? (Why the hell not? It's big fun!)

As you may have noticed on AMC recently, Bianca received a call from her lovely wife Reese, and we see on Binks' phone the caller ID. It says "Reese". We found this to be wholly inadequate and we tweeted about it.

The tweets went something like this:

How come when Reese calls Bianca her ID just says "Reese" ? Wouldn't it be more accurate if it said "My Smoking Hot Wife" ?

Now we're involved in rather intense speculation regarding ring tones and Caller IDs. We are not normal people, but this you already knew...

Hey @edenriegel when Tamara Braun calls you is the ringtone FEVER & does the caller ID say "The Smoking Hot Ever Elusive Internet Free TB" ?

@edenriegel & when you call TB does a Heavenly Choir + Chimes alert her that "Real Live Disney Princess ER" is on the line? Just wondering?

Well, we were very surprised and pleased when one Ms. Eden Riegel responded!

Can you believe it? We couldn't quite believe it.

So, what do you think Eden's nickname is for Tam? We've been feverishly speculating, but haven't come up with an answer ... yet!

###

A Very Special Open Letter to Christina Bennett Lind

2010-05-16T16:07:00.007-05:00

___
Dear Chrissie,

Can we call you Chrissie? Do you prefer CB? Or, Ms. Lind? Let's go with Ms. Lind. It implies a level of respect we think you deserve. But we do hope, someday, we'll be buds and you'll let us call you Chrissie. Or whatever you so choose. Please feel free to call us Ellen & Portia. Everybody does.

Now before you get all excited, no, we're not "the real" Ellen and Portia. They are good looking, hugely successful, ridiculously wealthy, world famous lesbians and we're odd looking, mildly successful, relatively poor, unknown animated straight chicks. Don't feel badly if you've never heard of us. We're not surprised if your new bosses at All My Children failed to fill you in on "the Pratt Falls phenomenon." Feel free to catch up on that later. You must be kind of busy right now.

So... Congratulations on landing the role of a lifetime! Bianca is a very special character and we don't mean "very special" in a condescending, After-School Special kind of way. Yes, Bianca is gay, but that's not what makes her special!

Oh wait. Hell. Yes it is! It is special. Special in the sense that America, nay, the world, is in the throes of enormous gay angst. Every time basic, decent, civil, human rights are afforded homosexuals, a relatively small but enormously loud and well funded group of religious bigots and homophobic creeps spring into action to promise hellfire and damnation upon our nation, loudly proclaiming the threat that all children are now going to be taught how to have sex with goats. Yes, it's really that insane. And it infuriates us.

Why, you may reasonably ask, does it infuriate us? We are a couple of straight chicks, all this hate towards the gays doesn't really affect us, right? Ahhh, but it does. Because you see, we lost our Straight Cards. So now we feel this amazing affinity with the gays. We realize that in the wholly unlikely, probably never in this lifetime (or the next), chance that Eden Riegel or Tamara Braun would succumb to our not very subtle advances, we would be, not just Straight Chicks who lost their Straight Cards, we'd be actual, y'know bi-sexual lesbians. Though not angry ones. No, we'd be happy. Except that now we'd be the object of scorn by those ridiculous religious bigots. (Yes Pope, we're looking at YOU).

And it is all EDEN RIEGEL'S FAULT.

Now, don't get us wrong. We adore Eden. Literally. Like-- L.I.T.E.R.A.L.L.Y. And it was because Eden returned to All My Children to play the "very special" storyline of American Soaps' first same-sex marriage that Tamara Braun was hired to play Reese her "very special" love interest. And by "very special" we mean SMOKING HOT.

The combined heat generated by Eden and Tamara caused our Straight Cards to spontaneously combust. We in no way expected this to happen to us. Never before in our history had we been overcome with lust for other chicks. (Buffy & Willow don't count, that was Hero Worship) Well, what can we say? Except that we are firm believers in the power of a good, strong story especially if it's a well told story, with amazing female characters played by whip smart actors who happen to be freakishly good looking. Which begs the question, why is Joss Whedon not in charge of all television, all the time, on all the stations, everywhere in the world? Why?

But we digress. The heart wants what the heart wants. And our hearts want Bianca and Reese Together. Forever. Driving us crazy with their hot eye sex and smoldering good looks. And we want you to know we hope you (as Bianca) have the opportunity to create your own crazy chemistry with whatever Reese they supply you with, because Bianca (and you) deserve nothing less than the opportunity to have crazy hot eye sex for all Bianca (and your) fans to enjoy.

Did any of that make sense? Whatever, we're animated, we don't have to make sense! But you know what should make sense? Universal rights for all human beings and sometimes, even soap opera stories should make sense. Particularly when they involve sensitive issues like gay marriage and secret sperm.

Poor Eden, she thought her return to Pine Valley was going to be a story of a beloved character facing the challenges of a couple of gay girls getting married in this crazy country. And all her fans wanted to see Bianca finally, finally get the happy ending Bianca so richly deserved. Alas, the Powers That Be at All My Children wanted -- who knows? The best we can tell, they wanted the publicity and the G.L.A.A.D. award nomination they expected they would get for their gay marriage storyline, while simultaneously undermining the story with misogynistic, cliched and offensive homosexual stereotypes. In their minds, a fool proof recipe for success! (See KISH)

But the real horror was how they allowed Chuck Pratt to violate Bianca's character in such a way that it can only be compared to Bianca being raped by Michael Cambius. But at least Bianca got to kill that motherfucker. This time around Bianca has very little chance at redemption..... And it is so not fair. Not fair to Eden, not fair to you, not fair to the fans.

Well, golly! This might be a good time to mention that it has come to our attention that you have an identical twin sister. As much as we despise most outlandish plot twists that involve amnesia, comas and long lost, never before mentioned identical siblings and/or doppelgangers, in this instance we'd make an exception. Why not pitch a story idea to the new writers at AMC, that Bianca was cloned by that insanely smart, dastardly Doctor Hayward and it was an evil Bianca Clone that wanted her brother-in-law's sperm and not, NOT WE SAY, not our beloved realio trulio Bianca who is universally loved and adored by all except for some crazy ass people on the soap boards who clearly have souls which are nothing more than appalling dump heaps overflowing with the most disgraceful assortment of deplorable rubbish imaginable. Ignore those people. Trust us. You don't want to read what they have to say. About anything. Ever.

Speaking of reading stuff about Bianca.... Yeah, we'd also recommend you not visit the NC-17 fanfic section of the Breese Board. It might be tempting, but don't do it. Besides, you don't look old enough to qualify for the password.

While we're doling out advice, may we offer you a few more words of wisdom? Please remember and always honor the fact that Bianca's entire personage is a No-Penis Zone.

Also, should you ever, in your capacity of playing the role of Bianca, be asked to participate in any of the following, it is our advice to you that you immediately call your agent, hire a lawyer and categorically refuse to engage in:

1. Grief Sex in a Morgue
2. A Dance Marathon
3. Faking the Death of your infant child so you can adopt it later
4. Asking for your brother-in-law's sperm

So, in closing, we'd just like to say again CONGRATULATIONS! We sincerely hope you find great success playing the role of Bianca and we hope you won't be offended if we occasionally suggest you would be good for a super-hero role that requires a revealing and blatantly sexist costume. We do it out of love. Sort of.

Our job being the Defenders & Protectors of Eden Riegel and Tamara Braun is time consuming and exhausting, but please do not ever hesitate to tweet if you need us. We are always happy to help actors who have been attacked by the Evil League of Evil. (AKA Daytime Soap Executives)

Best wishes Chrissie! Good luck in Pine Valley,

Ellen & Portia

###

OMG a New Bianca!

2010-05-15T22:23:00.005-05:00

Yes, we know!
We heard!
Will we have more to say about it?

You know we will.

But in the meantime, why not enjoy further proof of Eden's versatility and general awesomeness?

###

Happy Mother's Day!

2010-05-09T09:43:00.003-05:00

###

###

Happy Birthday Tam!!

2010-04-18T20:16:00.003-05:00

***

A very special THANK YOU to Dianne at "Tamara Obscura" for letting us raid her photo gallery.
Go visit the site, it's fabulous! http://www.tamara-braun.com

Today In History...

2010-04-15T13:11:00.006-05:00

It has come to our attention that April 15 is a most important anniversary of numerous dark and terrible historical events. Because we here at Pratt Falls believe that education is the key to success and immense suffering, we’d like to provide you with a most spectacular, anniversary edition of, PRATT FALLS: THE BLOG.

April 15, 1865 – President Abraham Lincoln dies after being shot by John Wilkes Booth. BAD/SAD

April 15, 1912 – In the early hours of April 15, 1912, the Titanic sank, plummeting to the ocean floor where it would sit and wait for James Cameron. COLD/WET

April 15, 2009 – We unleash that Pirate-shirt-wearing, robot-speaking, scruffy looking nerf herder onto the Internet. And Pratt Falls is born. AWESOME/SHOCKING

Today is our one-year anniversary and we couldn’t be more excited! We are so excited that after days and days of discussions we still have no idea how to mark this occasion. We were also incredibly distracted this week and had little time to construct a blog post worthy of this glorious day.

First Dixie Carter died, and Portia insisted on speaking with a Julia Sugarbaker accent for three days.

Then Ellen decided to stalk the twitter account of Shonda Rhimes because, according to Ellen, Rhimes might be the next Chuck Pratt. This is still unconfirmed. We can tell you that the season finale of Grey’s Anatomy will involve fire and a marked lack of subtlety.

Sarah Michelle Geller’s birthday was a 48-hour affair because Portia likes to honor the day by dressing up a hobo in vampire fangs and a cape, following him throughout the night, and staking him just before the sun rises. It’s romantic and creepy and highly illegal.

We were also distracted by Tamara Braun’s upcoming birthday. By “upcoming” we mean APRIL 18. Plus, Tamara Braun is distracting in general.

In light of our numerous distractions, we want to take this time to say a huge thank you! Because we’re never invited to the Emmys, Tonys, Webbys, or Peoples Choice Awards (wtf Queen Latifa?), you get to listen to our thank you speech…RIGHT NOW:

We’d like to thank:
1. The fans! The members of the Breese Board, the BAMmers, the Barfies, Zendall peeps, KISH brothers in arms, ABC folks, DOOL lovers, CBS fangirls. WE THANK YOU! Your endless support, strange midnight tweets, furious indignation and bad-assery has allowed Pratt Falls to survive and thrive. To quote Sue Sylvester, you are engorged with venom and triumph! We do this all for you.

2. Lies! We do this all for Eden Riegel! Eden, thank you for your grace, your class, your hotness, your ability to take the high road so that we can always, always take the low road, your patience, and your willingness to answer any question we ask. On that note, Portia would still like to know who your favorite Disney Princess is, why she is your favorite Disney Princess, how you know she is your favorite Disney Princess, and in a fight between your favorite Disney Princess and Victor Newman, who would win?

3. Tamara Braun. You sexy, saucy, missing in action woman! Thank you for having awesome powers of seduction, magical sex eyes, magical Reese outfits, magical sex everything. Sex. If you come out of hiding we promise to shower you with topical youtube videos and inappropriate questionnaires. Yes, the Internet really is that much fun. Don't believe us? Ask Eden.

4. Andrew Miller! Thank you for your brain, and thanks for letting us talk about Eden in chain mail, a Wonder Woman costume and other fetish apparel. What a swell guy!

5. The soap opera press! Thanks for featuring our little videos, writing articles about our greatness, nominating us for kick ass awards, giving our awards to a stuffed, dead, cat, fighting the good fight, and keeping the love for daytime TV alive! We love each and every one of you. But frak you, Mr. Kitty. Frak you.

6. Thor – for lending us thine hammer. We thank thee, verily.

7. Agnes Nixon – for coming to us in times of trouble, speaking words of wisdom, and letting it be.

8. Brook Nevin – for going over to Eden’s house and taking dirty pictures. Thumb up, Brook!

9. Marvel Comics – thanks for letting us steal your weapons, catchphrases and characters. We’re really sorry about the current state of the Spider-Man franchise, and we hope relaunching the series with Zac fucking Effron will help. Excelsior!

10. Have we mentioned the fans? We need to mention the fans again. THE FANS!

It’s been an amazing year and we can’t wait to see what will happen next! If you see Tamara Braun, tell her to get that magical sexy ass on the internet!

See you in Genoa City!

E & P

Portia's "Bianca & Reese Search Story"

2010-04-12T17:05:00.001-05:00

Have You Seen This Girl?

2010-04-02T09:06:00.008-05:00

###

Oh, ABC, how you disappoint us!

2010-03-14T20:27:00.006-05:00

We don't even watch One Life to Live, but we know what it feels like to fall in love with a gay couple and then have that couple, and the actors who portray them, thrown under a bus. It just ain't right. Poor Agnes Nixon, she must cry herself to sleep at night. She tried to tell stories that were sensitive and socially conscious. Soaps nowadays being socially conscious? Yeah, not so much.

Perhaps the PTB at ABC don't think too many viewers will really care that they are planning to shove Kish back in the closet, or that Bianca is stranded in Paris with her smoking hot wife, Reese. (Our greatest fear is that Bianca returns totally neutered. Neither straight nor gay. Poor Reese! What will become of her?) Well, in the words of the Dude, "I do mind, the Dude minds. This will not stand, ya know, this aggression will not stand, man."

Oh ABC, won't you ever learn? A fan without hope is a fan without fear - even if the fan is not technically a fan, but a fan of the fan community full of fans.

Visit http://www.savekish.com to find out how you can help.

###

Off to Genoa City!

2010-03-09T11:46:00.003-06:00

Many of you have asked (tweeted actually) about our thoughts on Eden's move to the Young & the Restless. Do we have an opinion about that? Well, you know we do!

We'd love to know what you think! Leave us a comment. Go on, you know you want to.

###

Whither HBO?

2010-02-21T10:47:00.004-06:00

As we Tweeted this morning, it has come to our attention that "Shit My Dad Says" is being turned into a sitcom over at CBS with William Shatner as the infamous foul-mouthed patriarch. You can read all about it here. We follow Justin (shitmydadsays) on Twitter. He's truly funny. In a crude, profanity filled way. Not sure how they'll adjust for that on prime time television.

But the most perplexing question is -- Why hasn't HBO (or any other network) contacted us about creating a show from the brilliance of Pratt Falls? Seriously! Aren't we worthy? Wouldn't you like to see the adventures of Ellen & Portia brought to you weekly in HD? Isn't it sad that nobody has tried to make us famous yet? Except, of course, for those insanely smart Canadians at TV Guide CA who nominated us for an award.

Ah well. Nobody ever said life was fair. Just ask Eden Riegel.

###

Happy Anniversary Bianca & Reese!

2010-02-12T09:30:00.004-06:00

My how time flies when your favorite soap opera couple is maligned and mistreated! It was just one year ago that the ultimate Pratt Fail took place in Pine Valley. We are not going to recount the horrors of that event here. Let us just reiterate the fact that REESE WAS DRUNK. Drunk, people. Porcelain Ready Drunk. Or, as Jimmy Buffett would say: knee-crawlin', slip-slidin', reggy-youngin', commode-huggin' drunk. Which you would have to be to kiss Zach. (Sorry Kendall, just our opinion.)

Ok, now that that's taken care of.... Let's reminisce about how gorgeous Bianca and Reese's wedding was and forget the rest of the crap that preceded and followed it (and was inter-cut within it). GrrrrArrgghhh.

But, oh the pretty!

###

Awards Season is Here & We're Nominated

2010-02-10T19:26:00.003-06:00

Well, color us surprised! We've been nominated for an award. Can you believe it? We can't. And yet it's true! Those sweet, insightful folks over at TV GUIDE CA have deemed us worthy. We're so humbled, we're so honored, we're so shocked.

We think it's quite hysterical that we're nominated along side Imaginary Bitches & Venice! Oh the irony.... And we're pretty sure there's as much of a chance of us winning that award as there is for a hummingbird to fly to the planet Mars with the Washington Monument tied to its tail.

OUTSTANDING WEB SERIES OR SPECIAL
Anyone But Me
Buppies
Diary Of A Single Mom
Michael Fairman’s Guiding Light Daytime Emmy Award Tribute (four-minute version)
Imaginary Bitches — A Very Special Emmy Bitches Special
Pratt Falls
Then We Got Help!
Y&R’s Kitty — True Soap Story
Venice

Check out all of the 2010 Soap Opera Spirit Award Nominations here.

###

Portia's Top 10 Bianca & Reese Moments * #1 *

2010-02-05T17:35:00.014-06:00

#1 "A sacred act. One that is blessed by all who witness it."

###

Again with the GrrrrArrgghh

2010-02-05T10:13:00.005-06:00

Has Pratt been hired by Google Video? That might be one explanation for why the videos are available, then unavailable, then available, then not. It's a wee bit annoying, isn't it? We apologize for the inconvenience.

###

Portia's Top 10 Bianca & Reese Moments #3 & #2

2010-02-01T16:18:00.018-06:00

Re-watching all these clips from last year has made me so sad. Angry and sad. There's so much potential for this couple! I could go on and on and rant for days about the injustice done to the show by Pratt's butchering of the characters and -- . No. No, I shall not descend into the morass of evilness that is Pratt's legacy. I shall instead be the Gal at the Crossroads Looking with Hope and High Vision to The Choosing of a New and Better Future. Let us all pray that the new AMC head writers convince TPTB that the show needs Bianca and Reese, because without them, Pine Valley has no heart or soul.

#3 The hug heard 'round the world.

We all knew Bianca and Reese were going to ride off into the sunset together. But who knew they would set a land speed record for quickest reconciliation in the history of soaps? Are these not the two people who got into trouble for --as Eden so aptly put it in our interview -- "not knowing a lick about each other before having a baby together" ? Wouldn't it have made more sense if -- Oops, almost did it again. Trying to insert logic into a world that had none. This moment was filmed post Pratt's hatchet job on Eden. I always kind of saw it as Eden coming back to rescue Tamara and save her from the Pirate-Shirted Menace. Either way -- whether you view it as Bianca and Reese's much deserved, albeit super-speedy, reconciliation, or Eden and Tamara's au revoir to AMC, the emotion was genuine and there was buckets full of it.

#2 I would rather dance.

I don't need to explain the appeal of this to anyone, do I? The dancing? The eye sex? More than the massage and "Get me out of these clothes" - it was this moment that made my panties fly off. And I haven't seen my Straight Card since.

To be continued....

###

Portia's Top 10 Bianca & Reese Moments Part Deux

2010-01-28T21:54:00.018-06:00

Did I mention that there wasn't anything remotely scientific or scholarly about these choices? Or that this entire list consists solely of "moments" that left an indelible impression upon me? This list is titled "Top 10 Moments" for a reason, because that's all they are. Perhaps later there will be a "Top 10 Scenes" list. But for now, let's review numbers 6, 5 & 4, shall we? (Please keep commenting, it's wonderful!)

#6 "I can't believe that you threw snow on me."

I'm not sure how to justify this choice! I just loved the absurdity of it. It felt so genuine, and it was a delightful mix of anger and confusion for both Bianca and Erica. Of course, the moment Bianca walked away to go talk to a comatose person instead of hanging around to support her fiance who was having the most important conversation/dreadful argument of her life with her mother on the other side of the door kind of ruined everything. But it was wonderful, for a brief, shining moment.

#5 "Don't you dare touch me."

When I first saw this scene I was watching the YouTube clip on my laptop. Bianca's rage literally shook me to my core. Without thinking I slammed shut my computer and jumped back from the desk shouting "No! No! NO!" And I didn't watch AMC again until Bianca returned for the high speed, no frills reconciliation. Even though the way Pratt chose to break up Bianca and Reese was wrong (and disgusting and awful) on multiple levels, the truth is, Eden and Tamara rocked it. And Eden's choice as an actor to bring every ounce of ferocity she could muster in this moment was brilliant. Because as sweet and wonderful and caring as Bianca is -- well, as Niels Bohr so wisely noted: the opposite of a great truth is also true.

#4 "untitled"

Honest to goodness, I don't shout at the YouTube clips playing on my laptop all that often. Really! But watching this, through my own tears I screamed (yes, screamed) STOP.BREAKING.MY.HEART. Now, keep in mind, I was watching this in May, after Bianca and Reese had long since left for Paris to "work" on their relationship. So I knew it was all going to end "happily." But the combination of Miranda being completely adorable and blissfully unaware of the tragedy going on around her as she played with Gabby's mitten and Reese looking like she'll collapse from the unbearable pain at any moment, followed by a shot of Bianca on the verge of totally losing it -- well, who can blame me for being overwrought?

To be continued . . .

###

Portia's Top 10 Bianca & Reese Moments

2010-01-23T20:29:00.021-06:00

Hi everybody, it's Portia! Wasn't it just recently we had to sit through a million different Top 10 lists related to the new year? And here it is, the end of January and I'm just getting around to mine. Well, some things can't be rushed. And as far as we know, we're not contractually obligated to provide posts with any regularity. We follow the muse, wherever she leads us. And when your muse is the Ever Elusive Internet Free Tamara Braun you have to be resourceful!

Just to be clear -- I, Portia, am solely responsible for this list. Ellen's working on another project. Contrary to popular belief, we don't do everything together. I have, however, invited her to add her own commentary -- either agreeing or disagreeing with me. And I hope you'll do the same! We love getting comments!

So, without further ado . . .

#10 "I still feel so terrible about that."

Reese is talking about being entranced, but it's Eden who gets mesmerized! She totally forgets to say her line. A full 4 seconds go by before Eden realizes she should be talking, not blissfully staring into Reese's eyes. Proving definitively that I am not the only person susceptible to Tam's seductive charms. You can almost smell the smoke from Eden's Straight Card going up in flames.

#9 "I can live without my parents, but I can't live without you."

Remember, oh so many years ago now, Bianca & Maggie's sweet, tender, tentative kisses? Yeah, this is not one of those. This scene, more than any other, made me think "Bianca's all grown up!" I think I cried a little.

#8 "Y'know, you keep doing that and I will do whatever you say."

Did we need further proof that Reese is the Best.Girlfriend.Ever? Not really. I mean when you build someone a house in France, you generally score plenty of points. But Reese not only designs and builds houses in the Loire Valley, she has mad hot foot massage skills. This was the moment I decided I was in love, and that just like Bianca, I too will do whatever Reese says.

#7 "Oh! Well tell me about her then."

My heart was breaking for Reese having to try to explain her confused, closeted past. Her almost desperate need to spill every pitiful detail of her unsatisfying pre-Bianca sex life. And when she realized that Bianca's first time wasn't painful or bad -- ok, yes, I cried again! Why? For Reese's tortured past? For Tamara's amazing acting? No -- because Bianca's past came rushing back. Because every emotion, from wonderful to woeful was playing out on Bianca's face as she remembered Sarah. And for those of us who have been fans of Bianca since -- always, it was an amazing and beautiful moment. BTW, this is why Eden wins Emmys.

TO BE CONTINUED....

###

The World's First Accidental Lesbian Pregnancy!

2010-01-06T18:53:00.016-06:00

Dear Reader,
the following is a moderately edited version of an email conversation that took place between Ellen & Portia today. We include it here for your enjoyment. As always, your comments and questions are encouraged and welcome.
The Editors*

*****************

PORTIA:
I'm feeling puny today. I woke up with strep throat. I called in sick, so I think I might work on my Bianca/Reese Top 10 Moments List. Watching TB try to seduce ER over and over again with her sexy eyes certainly won't make me feel any worse! Aspirin - check! Hot Tea - check! Hot TB - check!!!

ELLEN:
ER must have extraordinary willpower. Or she's really, really straight. Or just a really great actress. TB was at her best during the "Bianca Tests Reese" debacle. The script called for Reese to stay in PV for work, but TB must have decided against such silly behavior.

Zach: What does your gut tell you?
Reese: To stay home and work while my wife is alone in her hotel room. *gives Bianca the come hither eyes*
Audience: Reese, your gut is wrong!
Tamara: Fuck this shit. *makes more sexy eyes*
Audience: Confusion/Arousal/Confusion
Pratt: You're ruining my masterpiece!!!!

PORTIA:
You bring up a subject I've not seen discussed before, so let's dive right in, shall we? TB undoubtedly threw all her sexy moves at ER. She opened up that arsenal and did not withhold anything (IMO). But to me, it always looked like that when it came to locking lips, it was ER that "went for it". God almighty that woman looked like she was going to suck the life out of TB sometimes! More than once I got the impression that TB was thinking -- "What have I unleashed?!?" Think about Bianca's chaste, virginal kisses of yore w/Lena and Maggie. Then we get Bianca w/Reese and she is suddenly kissing like, -- well, ok, actually like a normal human being in love, not a shy, scared, 13 year old. It always makes me giggle.

Mature, I know.

ELLEN:
The only time I've seen Bianca really throw herself into a kiss, other than Reese, is with Leo. That Eden is a smart girl. She was given a once in a lifetime opportunity to kiss Josh Duhamel and ran with it. It seems that censorship has changed since the Lena/Maggie days, maybe Eden was just taking advantage of her freedom.

Insert massive paragraph about the potential of further Breese stories/the unfairness of their absense/their hotness/hotness=ratings/I miss Breese/Fuck you Pratt/Lorraine fix this/Eden and her bangs need to convince TB that AMC is the place to be.

Apparently there was a Breese mention on AMC today. It seems that Bianca and Reese are alive and well, and living in Paris...TOGETHER. We can sleep easy now, at least Pratt didn't break them up offscreen. Can we get a high quality screen cap of Binks from yesterday's show? Lets circle the "lump" in bed behind Bianca and show the world that Reese took part in the 40th anniversary.

We should also warn the general public that Miranda is starting to look like this:

The Kane woman hierarchy strikes again. Sorry Mimo, Gabby was born during a tornado. Tornado trumps Product of Rape/Stolen for Months/Symbol of All that's Good in the World.

PORTIA:
But Mimo was born during inclement weather too! Poor kid isn't getting the props she's so clearly due!

Is it really not self evident to anyone who has ever watched a moment's worth of AMC that Mimo is the Messiah and Gabby will grow up to be the Anti-Christ/Bad Seed/Reverse-Bianca child? Reese will defend her unconditionally forever and ever because Gabby being born IS HER FAULT and this will cause serious strain on B/R's relationship. (It will also be the cause of LOTS of make up sex and heartfelt reconciliations).

Only the Ghost of Mona Kane will be able to guide poor Gabby away from her destructive ways. Bianca will be giving her tough love, Reese will be pouring out the unconditional/co-dependent love and Mimo, being the Messiah/Madonna (virginal variety small "m" madonna, not that other hussy-Madonna), will tolerate her sister's despicable behavior with infinite patience and love.

So say we all.

This shit is so good it writes itself.

ELLEN:
Yes, exactly! Miranda's position as PV Messiah should be further cemented by the fact that she is made of 100% Kane. Bianca's sparkling goodness decimated all Cambias sperm. (Which technically makes Miranda's entrance into this world a virgin birth.)

The child is the second coming of Bianca, she should be worshiped accordingly. She will also produce the first Chandler/Kane baby, the ultimate in legacy character construction.

Gabrielle, on the other hand, is Kendall. What do they say on Battlestar? Everything that has happened before will happen again. She will discover her true parentage and rip half of Pine Valley a new one. I wonder if Mimo and Gabby will eventually team up, Kinks style, to defeat Emma's crusade of evilness. That child has hellspawn written all over her. Then again, Gabby and Emma may team up to bring down Saint Miranda. Or, Gabrielle might seduce Emma and surprise us all. With some SORAS'ing, the 7 year age difference shouldn't matter.

Reese will defend her unconditionally forever because Gabby being born IS HER FAULT and this will cause serious strain on B/R's relationship. (It will also be the cause of LOTS of make up sex and heartfelt reconciliations).

Oh, this is good. Not only is Gabby's birth Reese's fault, Gabby's subsequent behavior will all come back to Reese's drinking/Zach habit. That bitch.

PORTIA:
The eternal ironies of these characters could bring the fans years of enjoyment -- if only WE WERE THE HEAD WRITERS!!!

Mimo, though being born under identical circumstances to Kendall, is the anti-Kendall because she was born w/the wisdom and grace that is her natural legacy thru Mona to Bianca to Mimo. Gabby, --though brought into the world b/c of Reese's insane love for Bianca and the spawn of the "so-called" good Cambius brother, will be a bitter, misguided hellion bent on revenge because ... because who can compete with the Messiah?!? I'm starting to feel sorry for Gabby. She has to grow up w/Erica Kane for a grandmother, Lesbian mothers, an Uncle/Daddy and a demi-god sibling. Of course she'll be fucked up! She'd be insane not to be crazy with that kind of family dynamic.

ELLEN:
I'm still waiting for a believable explanation when it comes to Gabby's conception, Bianca's pregnancy, and the subsequent fallout. I get the "Bianca is insanely lovable" and most likely a monster in the bedroom**, but seriously? A baby? After a few months? Of course Gabby will be royally fucked up. Her parents have essentially acknowledged that she is the biggest mistake of their lives. And how can Bianca tell that she will be the strongest Kane woman ever? Does she eat her squished carrots with gusto? Has she mastered building blocks? Did she learn her way around the potty with exceptional speed?

Obviously Miranda was born potty trained, with a taste for fine Chilean wines and exotic Viennese roast boar.

** I do have to wonder...what exactly did Bianca do to Reese that turned her into a blubbering, lovesick, drunkard, with bad decision making skills but an awesome wardrobe?

PORTIA:
The "we were so insanely in love that we wanted our family to grow" explanation is 100% hooey. This is a prime example of Pratt's utter lack of skill when it comes to crafting a story. Especially one of the homo sexual variety.

People, whether straight or gay, who are in the throes of new love, passion and infatuation are NOT thinking "let's have a baby." They do not think this because all sane people all over the world, over the age of 12 know that having a baby is the death of your sex life. Even lesbians know this. Everybody knows that full responsibility for 6 pounds of helpless human flesh that spits from one end and shits out the other, does not enhance your sex life. Now, it is true that a heterosexual couple, during the "we're so hot and crazy for each other we can't think straight" stage will sometimes, inadvertently, unintentionally engage in an activity that accidentally results in an unplanned pregnancy. Faithful, monogamous lesbians do not, can not and will not ever be victims of unplanned pregnancies. PRATT FAIL.

And, New love + We Haven't Even Met Each Others Families Yet + Faithful Lesbians DOES NOT EQUAL "Let's have us a baby right now, no delay, oh happy day, where's the sperm and the turkey baster, I'm ready for some lovin'"

I wonder how many times Eden read that script and thought "WTF?" I suspect she planned a lengthy, in-depth, honest and heartfelt conversation with her new co-star in hopes of figuring this out. Then she met her co-star and thought -- "HOT!" and stopped caring that it made no sense because deep down she knew she had no control over the story anyway and she was happy to take solace in being the recipient of Tamara Braun's considerable charms.

ELLEN:
You have just proven that AMC can claim another first: The World's First Accidental Lesbian Pregnancy!

Holy shit! It's so wrong. All so wrong! The mind continues to boggle...will it ever cease its boggling?

###

A Rhyming Couplet Rant!

2010-01-05T09:39:00.002-06:00

Happy New Year!

2010-01-01T22:51:00.006-06:00

We are (understandably) quite thrilled with how 2010 has begun. Specifically because the sweetest human being in the history of human beings tweeted about us and commented on our latest video! We submit as evidence the following:

edenriegel
Portia and Ellen of @PrattFalls did it again, with a hilarious new video for my B-day: http://bit.ly/7T2B0y I'm smiling ear to ear

And here's her comment on YouTube:

EdenRiegel
Oh, I love it!!!! What a great Birthday gift. You guys are brilliant. Although I think Andrew's a little disappointed there won't be a chain-mail bikini in his future. Love you guys!!!

Sorry Andrew.

Now if we could just get the ever elusive, internet-free Tamara Braun to merely acknowledge our existence, our lives would be complete.

###

Happy Birthday Eden!

2009-12-31T23:18:00.000-06:00

If There's No Breese in Venice, well then...

2009-12-11T19:52:00.008-06:00

We've been asked by a few folks what we think of the new web series Venice and if we'll be shelling out $9.99 to view future episodes. We thought this might be a good time to remind everyone that we are obsessed with Bianca/Reese, not Otalia. Please don't assume we dislike Crystal Chappell or Jessica Leccia. Those gals are swell. It's just that, well, they are not Eden Riegel and Tamara Braun.

We have no intention of trying to talk anyone out of their insane love for Crystal and Jessica, don't you worry. We have lots of sympathy for folks whose lives have been overtaken by an irrational, unrequited love for fictional characters and the actors who portray them.

But, instead of a boring essay type post, let us just share with you how our conversation went as we tried to parse our response:

~~~~~

ELLEN: How are we going to respond to the Venice mania?

PORTIA: I certainly don't want to piss off or alienate any Otalia fans, but, y'know what? I also don't want people trying to talk me out of my Breese obsession just because Venice now exists.

ELLEN: Well, they finally kissed. So, yeah for Otalia fans! I watched without the sound on so I could imagine it was Olivia and Natalia.

PORTIA: What did you imagine them saying?

ELLEN: Olivia mentioned that Natalia tastes like cookies.

PORTIA: Yeh, I didn't need to know that.

ELLEN: Honestly, they could pay ME $9.99 to watch, it wouldn't matter. I don't want Olivia & Nat, I want Bianca & Reese!

PORTIA: I know! I know! I want Breese storming my screen with an overdose of pretty, melting my heart with their maddening love for each other, making "my panties fly off" with their insanely hot eye sex and generally destroying my hope of future heterosexual bliss because of Eden's selfish desire to keep our Straight Cards.

ELLEN: Preach, woman. Down with panties!

PORTIA: It's time to officially declare Tamara Braun the “Queen of Hot Eye Sex.”

ELLEN: I suppose if Eden gets to be a full time Disney Princess, Tamara can be a Queen.

PORTIA: The other problem with watching Venice is -- it kind of makes me feel like I'm cheating on Bianca & Reese and Catherine & Heather. I feel like I should have love for only one lesbian couple and one web series. Fidelity means a lot to me. If I were married to Tiger Woods I would have beaten him to death with a 9 iron and I don't even know what a 9 iron is.

ELLEN: Tiger Woods is a dirty, dirty, cheating, lying asshat. How many strippers did this man have sex with? He needs to shower...and get tested.

PORTIA: He needs the “Karen Silkwood” shower, and even that might not be enough to wash the skank off his sorry ass.

ELLEN: I would never cheat. Cheaters go blind and lose their children by having them whisked away on private jets to fancy Parisian suburbs!

PORTIA: Reese didn't cheat! Please, let's be clear about this. My woman is not a cheater. She was forced into that stupid, drunken kiss before the wedding by crappy writing and it in no way reflected her true character. It was an aberration, an unsubstantiated act of stupidity that Reese cannot, nor should not, be held responsible for --

ELLEN: – much like Bianca asking Zach to be her baby daddy.

PORTIA: Yes! They were equally abhorrent acts created by the Supreme Asshat of all Asshats and by god, the combined heinousness of those actions has forever canceled each other out!

ELLEN: Thus making Bianca & Reese able to truly reconcile and live happily ever after in Breese Fanficdom!

PORTIA: So say we all.

ELLEN: I think Crystal's character on Venice might be a cheater.

PORTIA: Very possibly. But, sadly, I don't care.

ELLEN: Y'know, I think we're just going to have to declare our ambivalence for any and all lesbians who are not Bianca and/or Reese –

PORTIA: -- and reaffirm our dedication to the gals who hold our Straight Cards.

ELLEN: Agreed.

PORTIA: How about a brand new Breese music video to remind everyone of the glorious, beauteous, smoking hotness of Bianca & Reese?

ELLEN: Perfect. I didn't want my Straight Card back anyway.

###

AMC Pratt Falls * A Little Pratt Music

2009-12-06T22:55:00.003-06:00

Chuck Pratt's last day at All My Children. (With sincere apologies to Stephen Sondheim.)

You're A Mean One, Mr. Pratt

2009-11-27T20:00:00.002-06:00

The fans of spoken! Thanks for voting. We hope you enjoy.

Help Us Decide * Vote Early & Often

2009-11-27T12:21:00.004-06:00

Dear Pratt Falls Fans,

We find ourselves in a bit of a moral quandary. Caught up in the holiday spirit we created a little parody called: You're A Mean One, Mr. Pratt. You can probably guess what it entails. But we can't decide if we should post it or not.

Our dilemma is this -- the man's been fired. Do we need to keep piling it on? We are at odds on this point and have decided to let you, the fans, decide. Please vote and let us know what you think. And as always, thanks for watching (and reading) Pratt Falls!

Ellen and Portia

PS: VOTING OFFICIALLY CLOSES AT 9pm EST TONIGHT (Nov. 27, 2009)

AMC: Pratt Falls * Thanksgiving Special

2009-11-22T08:52:00.004-06:00

Our 2nd Open Letter to Chuck Pratt

2009-11-20T11:38:00.006-06:00

November 20, 2009

Charles Pratt, Jr.
All My Children
ABC Studios
320 West 66th St.
New York, NY 10023

Mr Pratt,

Hello again. Well, it's has been two weeks and we've had no word from you, or anyone at ABC Daytime, about our original offer to purchase creative control of All My Children. We're so sorry if you thought that we would slither away in shame if you ignored us. Have you not yet learned that ignoring the fans does not always result in their weary acquiescence? Or perhaps your silence is indication that you still deny our very existence? Obviously you are still immune to our cries of anguish as you destroy, decimate and demean our beloved characters with abominable behavior and ridiculous, inconsequential story lines. We could feign surprise at these developments, but we all know that this is standard operating procedure for you.

To be honest, we anticipated your inability to take our offer seriously. You've proven over and over again that you're not one to face your critics or admit mistakes. We did however harbour some hope that you might jump at the chance to leap off your own sinking ship when given the opportunity. That is why we are still willing to negotiate with you, Chuck. Unlike you, we are not unreasonable people. Our animated nature makes us resilient, resourceful and buoyant. We remain ready to throw you a life preserver -- if only you'll abandon ship.

Need we remind you, Chuckie, that we took an oath? A sacred oath to protect and defend two very special people, who, because of you, may never be seen in Pine Valley again. We find this wholly and completely unacceptable.

We readily admit that our anxiety level is peaking as we anticipate the 40th Anniversary of AMC. Everyone knows you cannot be trusted with -- . Let's be frank, Chuck. Everyone knows you cannot be trusted. Period. Full stop. Why elaborate? Your record speaks for itself. We need not enumerate your offenses. Read any soap opera forum, visit any board, your treachery is well documented and decried daily.

What we don't understand is why you persist? With the exception of Greenlee/Rebecca Budig, you clearly have no love or respect for the characters of Pine Valley, nor the actors on All My Children. It seems to us that you yearn for a canvas where you can paint your women as either conniving, duplicitous bitches or spineless, wimps easily manipulated by men half as intelligent as they are. More specifically, men who are mumbling, whining, raging dim witted bullies wielding guns, or drugs. Or both. We want to change all that Chuck. But change must begin with you. Or more to the point, with your absence.

And so we remain faithful to our original offer of $100 to purchase, as-is, a once magnificent soap opera, whose existence now is a mere mockery of it's former glory. Think about it. The show has become like a silly toy you've grown tired of playing with, and we're here to offer you real American cash money to take it off your hands.

We are most sincerely yours,

Ellen & Portia
(the Animated Ones)

PS: This offer will expire November 30, 2009. Mostly because Ellen really wants to buy the new Xbox LEGO Rock Band and it costs $49.99.

###

Should we post "You're A Mean One, Mr. Pratt" ?
	Yes, why in the world would you hesitate?
	No, Pratt's been fired, enough is enough.
	In the name of Bianca's "No Penis Zone", hell yes, post it!
	Reese fans, and angry, bisexual lesbians everywhere beg you to post it.
	Catherine and Heather wouldn't hesitate to post it. What kind of wimps are you?
	Post it in honor of Our Beloved Long Lost Kendall.
	On behalf of Amanda's Much Maligned Womb, please, please, please post it!
	AMC is still airing Pratt's poop, post it!

pollcode.com free polls

Pratt Falls

Biancapalooza * Thank You Dan & Eden & Chrissie

Biancapalooza! * Today Is The Day!

Biancapalooza Countdown * Can We Get -- Oh Never Mind!

Biancapalooza Countdown * The Question Ellen Has Been Dying to Ask!

Biancapalooza Countdown * Smackdown!

Biancapalooza Countdown * The Write Stuff

Biancapalooza Countdown * Double Trouble

Biancapalooza Countdown * Baby, It's You

Biancapalooza Countdown * ONE WEEK!

Biancapalooza Countdown * Have You Ever . . . ?

Biancapalooza Countdown * The Day We All Became Minxbians

Biancapalooza Countdown * ERICA F***ING KANE

Biancapalooza Countdown * Just checking ...

Biancapalooza Countdown * Sister Act!

Biancapalooza Countdown * The Book of Love

Biancapalooza Countdown * We're Going to the Chapel

Biancapalooza Countdown * Pride & Prejudice

Biancapalooza Countdown * A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes

Biancapalooza Countdown * A Day In The Life

Biancapalooza Countdown * Love Is A Many Splendored Thing

Biancapalooza Countdown * Happy Birthday Eden!

Biancapalooza Countdown * New Year's Resolutions?

Biancapalooza Countdown * Double Your Pleasure, Double Your Fun?

Biancapalooza Countdown * The Littlest Kane

Biancapalooza Countdown * Who Shot JR?

Biancapalooza Countdown * Why, God, Why?!?

Biancapalooza Countdown * And Binx Shall Lead Them

Biancapalooza Countdown * Christmas Miracles

Biancapalooza Countdown * Do Ask! Do Tell!

Do They Know It's Christmas Biancapalooza Countdown

Biancapalooza Countdown Continues.....

Biancapalooza Countdown

T -30 Days & Counting

Soap Opera Weekly + Minx = WIN

Hallelujah!! All My Children Lives!!

It was inevitable really . . .

Awwwwwwwwwww

Absolute Eden Charity Auction

We'll Always Have Paris

You'll Never Guess Who Tweeted Us!!

ABC Save Our Soaps Protests

RIP AMC

What an Auspicious Day! Binx Squared

Absolute Eden Podcast

Those Horrible Rumors

Our Twitter Petition

Letter to Brian Frons

The Evil Storyline Department at ABC Daytime

We're Just Trying to Be Helpful

Happy Birthday Eden!

Hark the Herald, Pratt Falls Sings!

Emergency Missive to the Head Writers at All My Children

Bianca-Blow out! + Binks Squared! = *THUD*

Questions for Chrissie!

The Official Thanksgiving Post

Ellen & Portia's Thanksgiving Recipe

Homelessness: We Give A Damn & So Does Eden

Tragedy Is Imminent!

The Bold & the Beautiful in 6 Minutes

Listen People! Heed Our Warning!

Happy Halloween!

Help Us Save Reese!

"It Gets Better" (Broadway Sings for the Trevor Project)

Quite Possibly Our Most Important Blog Post Ever

Unsolicited Feedback

Can You Feel The Love Tonight?

Reason #457 Why We Should Be Head Writers at All My Children

Just a few random thoughts . . .

Yea! NO H8!

Monumental Mythic Musings

Distracted from Distraction by Distraction

A Very Special Open Letter to Christina Bennett Lind

OMG a New Bianca!

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Birthday Tam!!

Today In History...

Portia's "Bianca & Reese Search Story"

Have You Seen This Girl?

Oh, ABC, how you disappoint us!

Bianca-Blow out! + Binks Squared! = THUD