Reason #457 Why We Should Be Head Writers at All My Children

WARNING: Excessive ALL CAPS abuse runs rampant through out this post.
Picture us watching today's episode of All My Children and insert string of unladylike expletives here. 

PORTIA:   %$&#*!@# Don't the "Good Story Telling Rules" still include "Show, Don't Tell"  ?

ELLEN: Of course they do! And not only that, "Show, Don't Tell" is especially useful when writing for a visual medium such as -- television!

PORTIA:  Well as far as I can tell, All My Children is still a television show. Though just barely.

ELLEN: Damn! I was so excited when we read the spoilers about Mimo being rushed to the hospital. Some actual DRAMA, potentially involving Bianca!!

PORTIA: Mimo!!

ELLEN:  I love Mimo almost as much I love and adore Bianca.

PORTIA: And her other Mommy, the Ever Illusive Pine Valley Averse Reese.

ELLEN: NuMimo looks like a 7 year old Eden clone. It makes my heart hurt.

PORTIA: I still love original recipe Mimo. Wonder what Haley's up to these days?

ELLEN: I wonder if she has a Messiah Complex. If not she certainly deserves one.

PORTIA:  I just don't understand AMC!  C'mon, is this the way to create drama ??

1) put a small, adorable, universally cherished, messianic child in danger but DON'T ACTUALLY SHOW HER IN DANGER
2) have her new found friend, the crusty, old curmudgeon rescue her but DON'T ACTUALLY SHOW HIM RESCUING HER

ELLEN:  Excellent job guys! The suspense is killing us. What happens next? Mimo is saved but we DON'T ACTUALLY GET TO SEE HER RESUSCITATED?

PORTIA:  Well, y'know, where's the excitement in seeing any of that stuff?  Maybe, if we're lucky we'll get to see something fun and different and exciting tomorrow like, like -- MARISSA CRYING! Wouldn't THAT be GREAT? Can't wait to see that. Again. Forty days and forty nights of non stop crying courtesy of Marissa. Gah!

ELLEN: Poor Bianca is the one separated from her smoking hot wife, she's got something to cry about. But does she cry? No! She babysits and plans parties.

PORTIA: Marissa is so mopey she almost makes me wish Babe would come back from the dead just to slap her.

ELLEN: Why do you say such horrible things?

PORTIA: Sorry, it must the bourbon and the broken dreams.

ELLEN: And what is with Caleb and Angie and the faux dramatic pause over Mimo's body???? Shouldn't they be taking her to the hospital ASAP?

PORTIA: Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

ELLEN: It should have looked like this:

1. Angie, stumbling around, the house FULL OF SMOKE.

PORTIA: Come on AMC, we'll host a fundraiser to buy you guys a damn smoke machine.

ELLEN:
2. Caleb barreling into Miranda's SMOKE FILLED room, pulling her little lifeless body from the haze.
3. Angie and Caleb rushing out the door to the sound of ambulances and cop cars in the air. Lots of smoke.

PORTIA: LOTS AND LOTS OF SMOKE.

ELLEN:
4. Quick cut to Bianca, as she falls to the ground screaming in pain - something is wrong with Miranda!

PORTIA: But everything will be alright. . . because .... it has to be.

ELLEN:
5. Quick cut to Kendall, screaming for Bianca because she feels Binks feeling Mimo in danger!
6. Quick cut to European city. It's night. Erica Kane wakes from a disturbed sleep. Her eyes flash -

PORTIA:  KANE BABY INJURED! JACK WAKE UP! KANE BABY INJURED!


ELLEN:
7. Quick cut to Gabrielle, holding wire cutters and matches.

PORTIA:  *cue Addam's family theme*

ELLEN:
8. Cut to Reese. Slouching over a table in a sleazy French bar holding a glass of cheap wine.

PORTIA: Mumbling incoherently over and over: "this is all my fault!"

ELLEN:  WHY ARE WE NOT THE HEAD WRITERS OF THIS SHOW?!?!?!

PORTIA: WHY ARE THE CURRENT WRITERS LAZY AND CHEAP?!?!?

ELLEN: They didn't have a bedroom set so everything was offscreen?

PORTIA:  Please!  With a smoke machine and a Little Mermaid blanket they could have turned AJ's room into Miranda's room. Easy.

ELLEN: Do you think CBL will be able to successfully pull off Bianca in Mama Bear mode?

PORTIA: The real question is will they even bother to show us Bianca?

ELLEN: GrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrAArrgghhhhh

###

AMC: Pratt Falls * Fiasco Derby * Oct 23, 2008

GREENLEE GETS A CLUE

Thus begins Bianca's milk drinking marathon. Pay close attention to all subsequent scenes involving adult characters having a drink. Poor Bianca is always offered milk. Apparently women who are breastfeeding can't drink anything but milk. Water is a no. Juice is a no. It's all about the dairy. No wonder Bianca goes crazy in the end. Mad Cow Disease.

This episode is a continuation of the "father/daddy/papa" freak show. Another tornado hits and in an attempt to comfort her very calm, well behaved, sound asleep newborn, Bianca coos "We're okay, your Daddy's okay, and your Aunty Kendall will be okay too." Your Other Mom, the Amazing Reese, and Big Sis Miranda -- well, apparently Bianca's not too concerned if they're okay right now or not. GrrrrArrrgghhh.

Did anyone besides Portia think Bianca looked like Edith Ann in that enormous rocking chair?

Moving on-- We get to see Bianca faint. And she faints because --gee, maybe because the absurdity of Kendall undergoing brain surgery by flashlight just registered and because, she's a Kane. They're prone to head injury and fainting spells. No need to worry. They also have Wolverine-esque healing powers.

Time to briefly reiterate once again how repetitively wonderful Reese is for Greenlee's benefit. The Reese List: she's pretty cool, she's amazing, she's a great architect, she's a great Mom to Miranda. When is Bianca going to get around to mentioning that Reese is smoking HOT?

Greenlee, the shrewdest lady in Pine Valley, quickly figures out that Baby Binks is half Cambias spawn. Her reaction is priceless. Obviously Greens has been hanging out with Ryan for too long, because she has totally mastered his signature look. Her face is a study in confusion and horror. And then Greenlee asks what fans everywhere are dying to know: "When? How?"

She is obviously thinking, "Zach and Lesbianca totally did the nasty!" Because of course this is the only way to make babies. Then Bianca forbids Greenlee from sharing this information, which is the equivalent of posting the news on twitter, Facebook and MySpace. Simultaneously.

Let's have a quick look:

AMC: Pratt Falls * Fiasco Derby * Oct 22, 2008

We know we're a few days behind schedule. Please accept our apologies. Sometimes real life intrudes on our virtual lives in the most inconvenient ways. Without further ado...

Whose Your Daddy?

Remember the October 21st episode where Bianca mentions Miranda's tumultuous birth? Apparently she forgets all about it, because as soon as a helicopter appears, she serenely looks up and says, "Oh my God. A helicopter." The last time Bianca was on a helicopter with her newborn, it crashed, and her baby was stolen. But, no big deal. Therapy heals all. Helicopters are fun! We love helicopters! Pratt Fail. Continuity fail. History fail. FAIL.

Is it just us, or does Bianca pathologically repeat her absolute belief that everything and everybody will be okay because "it has to be." It seems Pratt believes repetition = continuity. Listen, there are no more ardent supporters of Bianca Montgomery than the two of us, but even we don't believe Binks can conjure a miracle big enough to rescue this storyline. And why do we need multiple reminders that "Kendall hates secrets"? Y'know what else she might hate? Her husband's sperm taking up residence in her lesbian sister.

That being said -- Who else loved the Kinks flashback? Raise your hands! The sisters Kane provide some of the best AMC moments of the last decade. Kendall has risked everything for Bianca over the years: fake pregnancy, murder charges, close encounters with the Zarf kind. So it seems only fair that Bianca would keep her new "risky" pregnancy secret, right? Or not. Of course, Kendall ruins the sisterly reunion with her overly enthusiastic question about the baby's father.

What is wrong with the writers on this show? It's one thing to ask about a donor, but the FATHER? There is no father. Bianca's entire personage is a NO-PENIS-ZONE and Kendall knows this. Does anybody refer to Michael Cambias as Miranda's "father"? Are we the only ones having Daddy Issues with this story?

Someday Gabby is going to experience a terrible Star Wars moment.
Zach: Gabrielle, I am your father.
Gabby: No, that's impossible!
Binks: We were drunk!!!
Reese: It was MY fault.

Clearly, we have a few points of contention regarding this episode. So, let us warn you now -- to keep our heads from exploding, we've re-imagined the story of Gabby's birth. We felt these slight changes were necessary in order to justify Bianca's calm reaction to the approaching helicopter. (Hint: Bianca thinks that helicopter is us coming to rescue her.) Unfortunately we can't think of any way to justify Zach being the Baby Daddy or Bianca keeping it a secret from Kendall. Some Pratt Fails are just too enormous to fix.

AMC: Pratt Falls * Fiasco Derby * Oct 21, 2008

UP IN HER JUNK

Lest anyone accuse us of being raging bitches, we are not afraid to call out good writing. The beginning of this episode filled us with hope. Bianca, in labor, looking with fear and trepidation at the clouds, actually recalls an event in her past. Or, let us make that more clear, the writers actually remembered an event in Bianca's past! Yes, Gabby's birth bears certain similarities to Miranda's arrival into the cruel Pine Valley world. Five points Gryffindor for actually giving us, your greedy audience, some continuity and historical background. Of course all of this joy will turn to shit in the next episode, but more on that later.

PORTIA: Watching actresses "give birth" on TV makes me extremely uncomfortable. Just thought I should share that with the universe.

ELLEN: Only Saint Bianca would ask for forgiveness during labor. Seriously, the woman is in excruciating pain, and she looks up with those puppy dog eyes and says, "Zach, can you forgive me for stealing your sperm, getting myself knocked up, and then not speaking to any of my dearest, darlingest family for 7 whole months?" What's a guy like Zach to do? He melts under the Bianca Montgomery charm.

PORTIA: I'm thinking Bianca's "Are you angry with me?" + "I'm so sorry" = another point in her "It Was My Fault" column!

ELLEN: Bianca - 2; World - 0

Most Questionable line of the episode: "No one needs to know. Just you, me and Kendall." Not Reese. No, she doesn't need to know. She thinks Gabby is 50% Kane and 50% rainbows. Unfortunately, the little tyke may be the antichrist, but Reese really doesn't need to know that either. Hell, neither does Erica.

Let's review the "What We Know About Reese" List:
a) She's so amazing (again)
b) She's been so supportive
c) She was the sweetest,
d) most wonderful person.
e) Bianca "really" loves her
f) She's "the real thing" --

PORTIA: As apposed to Zarf who was -- oh, never mind.
ELLEN: Oh gawd, where's the bucket?

Best Lines of the Episode: ( perhaps of the entire Bianca/Reese story arc):
Zach: Have I told you lately how much I adore you?
Bianca: Y'know romancing the lesbian while she's in labor isn't going to help anything.
Zach: That's a good point.

Okay folks, prepare yourselves. We need to talk about the actual birthing scene.

PORTIA: Zach looks like he's watching the greatest Red Wings game ever.
ELLEN: Unfortunately, the game is taking place between Bianca's legs. Did she wedge a TV up there?

This was a graphic birth. Obviously they didn't SHOW anything, but Holy Cannoli, did we hear the details. Zach had to get up in Bianca's "No Penis Zone" and push the baby, and then lift up the umbilical cord. We freely admit to feeling complete solidarity with Zach when Bianca told him he had to push the baby's head back and he squeamishly asked: "I gotta what?!?"

<<insert full body shudder here>> Thank god no one has ever had to rely on either one of us to deliver anything more important than a pizza.

PORTIA: Wouldn't you love to see the Props List for this episode?
1 blanket
1 large pot for boiling water
1 newborn infant, semi-bloody, preferably female

So the baby is born in the midst of a tornado and Zach...lifts it high into the air. There's a lot of lightening. This is no time for the Lion King. Or maybe, it's always a good time for the Lion King? Regardless, Gabby's tears are only the beginning. She weeps for the future. She weeps for her DNA. She weeps for Eden Riegel.

Well, watch and tell us what you think!

Ready for a Walk down Memory Lane?

Dear fans and friends of PRATT FALLS, we invite you to join us for the

2008/2009
"It Was My Fault"
Fiasco Derby

With the help of the numerous fans who re-capped, re-uploaded, and re-evaluated their lives during the brief bittersweet months of Bianca & Reese's story, we will boldly go where Breese Nation has obsessively gone before.

We hope you'll join us as we over-analyze, hyper-critique, ridicule, praise, bemoan, bitch and celebrate the wondrous and frustrating relationship that was Breese.

Our goal is to re-watch every YouTube clip of Bianca & Reese from Binks' first appearance on October 20, 2008 all the way through to the bitter end ... or until we just can't take it anymore, and we collapse in a fetal position weeping on the floor. Whichever comes first.

Count along as we document the number of times Bianca and/or Reese proclaim some variation of "It was my fault." Who knew when Pratt took over as Producer/Head Writer that his strategy for success would hinge on blaming his failures on others?

Storyline not working? Characters acting uncharacteristically? Plots full of holes? Don't fault the writers! Let Bianca & Reese take the blame. A solution which has a bonus -- it means neither Ryan nor Zach have to apologize for their asinine, douche-bag behavior, ever!

Yes, that tornado Pratt brought us last October was just a thinly veiled metaphor to let us loyal AMC fans know that the winds of change were coming. And, as is so often the case with tornadoes, the force of that wind has caused seemingly trivial things to become deadly projectiles.

Drop by tomorrow and join the fun! We'll save a seat on the couch for you.

Ellen & Portia