Biancapalooza Countdown * Can We Get -- Oh Never Mind!

Question #31

for Eden & Tamara:

We were going to ask you to return our Straight Cards, but then we re-watched this and ... 

Oh, never mind. Just keep the damn things.   
(Besides, if you returned them, Chrissie & Sarah would claim them and we'd be right back where we started.... Behold the Power of Bianca!)

# # #

Biancapalooza Countdown * The Question Ellen Has Been Dying to Ask!

Question #30

for Eden & Chrissie:

It seems that Bianca is a beast in the bedroom, considering all the straight girls she's bagged. Is this a Kane thing? Or simply the power of Bianca?

# # #

Biancapalooza Countdown * Double Trouble

Question #27

for Chrissie:

Christina and Heather Lind

Are you as profoundly disappointed as we are that your real life, identical twin sister, Heather, is not going to get the opportunity to play Bianca's evil doppelganger?  

Who, of course, has assumed Bianca's identity, established herself as the CEO of Cambius Industries in Paris, taken up with Reese, fraudulently pretended to be Reese in order to divorce Bianca via Blackberry, all the while keeping poor Reese drunk on fine Cabernet and convincing her that both their daughters perished in a freak bunny slope skiing accident at their chalet in Switzerland?  Only to be found out by overly inquisitive, ace lawyer Marissa, leading to an epic confrontation and poor Bianca ultimately stuck with two beautiful women deeply, truly and madly in love with her?

Sarah Glendening

Tamara Braun

Now that would have been one freaking epic storyline, don't ya think?

# # #

Biancapalooza Countdown * We're Going to the Chapel

Question # 18

for Eden:

What was it like for you and Tamara to be part of a groundbreaking and breathtakingly beautiful wedding, and did you get any special, 'expert' advice from Susan Lucci?

Bianca & Reese's Wedding

# # #

Biancapalooza Countdown * Love Is A Many Splendored Thing

Question #14

for Eden & Chrissie:

(Ellen's version of the Question)
Who was the love of Bianca's life?
(Portia's version of the Question)
Who is Bianca's Lobster?

# # #

Biancapalooza Countdown * The Littlest Kane

Question #10

for Eden & Chrissie

Don't you think one of Bianca's greatest story-lines could have been the saga of The Long Suffering, Tortured Mother of Gabrielle, who is surely on course to become a semi-psychotic, diabolical, misunderstood, crafty, trouble-maker, sex-pot not unlike her Aunt Kendall in her early days?*



*For which, we blame Reese.

# # #

We'll Always Have Paris

Dear Friends,

As many of you have probably noticed, we have been mostly silent throughout the AMC & OLTL

cancellation debacle. We are sure it perplexes you, and perhaps even, pisses you off. Please be assured, it was not an easy decision for us, nor one that was made lightly.

Who knew that when we decided to animate ourselves two years ago and strike a satiric blow against Chuck Pratt and AMC in defense of Eden Riegel that our supercilious silliness would result in instant internet fame! (Fame, but alack, no fortune.) No matter! We did it for love, not money. And we would do it again (indeed, WILL do it again) should Eden (or Tamara or Chrissie) ever be so maligned and mistreated in so shameful a manner by people who should really, know better.

Over the past two years, as we continued our cavalcade of corny jokes, clever quips and unconditional love for the characters of Bianca and Reese and the women who've brought them to life, we've tried hard to evolve and emulate the best qualities of the characters we hold so dear. (In other words, we're hoping to be nicer, kinder, gentler people. AND IT'S FUCKING HARD.)

Ranting and raving and wringing ourselves into knots over the state of affairs at All My Children has not been as satisfying or productive as we'd hoped. And yet, we do not regret for a moment any of the time and effort we have put in to trying to draw attention to the importance and relevance of Bianca Christine Montgomery and her smoking hot wife, Reese. And yet . . .

. . . well, we can only hope that we've made a small bit of difference. We hope that, even though we've been fighting for a lost cause as far as Binks goes, it's not all been wasted time. This is a battle worth fighting. As long as actors get hate mail for portraying gay characters, and same sex marriage is illegal across most of the USA, and legislators write laws proclaiming you can't say gay, then we need to keep fighting. And we will.

Here's the thing. We're not going to continue fighting by creating more videos with the Pirate Shirted Menace or the Bespectacled Bastard. A wise man once said:  "If once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will." Ok, Yoda said it. Still, wise words. Are we shallow people if we look to Star Wars for moral advice? We don't think so. Consider this: Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.  Haven't we all suffered enough?

We're committed to turning over a new leaf. Plus, our lives (the actual real ones, not the animated ones) are on the brink of big changes. Unfortunately it is still necessary to protect our true identities, so we can't give you any real details, but we will tell you that these changes involve dramatic (temporary?) re-locations for the both of us, which will result in fun new stamps in our passports!

Very soon Portia will have to handle being subjected to gelato, pasta, and copious amounts of red wine on a daily basis while risking overexposure to all things Renaissance. Meanwhile Ellen is trying to figure out how she will contend with Medieval mayhem, serious potential for numerous encounters with men in kilts, and a permanent stay at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry (or, at least, a stay down the street from Hogwarts). Still and all, changes that fall into the OMG WTF AM I DOING? category and cause you to reassess and reevaluate your life choices.

In other words, much like Eden and Tamara, we're moving on. Not to other fictional soap towns or to very real motherhood, but fear not! – we aren’t abandoning our post. We'll still keep tweeting and blogging and acting silly. We'll still defend and protect our girls, too. We'll sign petitions, and write letters and make phone calls and express our love for soaps, but we're not going to make anymore sarcastic, scathing, mean-spirited videos. We're going to focus on the love, not the hate. We think Binks would approve.

So in conclusion let us say:

We love soap operas. We particularly love All My Children and especially love the fabulous Kane women and we undeniably adore Bianca. We want her story to go on forever, and we really, really, really want Bianca to get the love and respect she so richly deserves.

We think Agnes Nixon created a masterpiece when she created All My Children, and there's no reason in the world, except corporate greed and laziness, that the show should not be successful for as long as people are still human beings. For as much as people need food and shelter, they need and crave and seek out stories.

Who knows why we are captivated by some stories and not others? Why some characters inspire us and touch our hearts or make us melt into puddles and turn us into lovesick saps?

Did we want to lose our Straight Cards because of Eden and Tamara's ridiculously seductive, outrageously sexy, incredibly poignant, deliciously sweet daily displays of hot eye sex? No, we did not. And yet, we were unable to resist the power of so much pretty. Yes, it's ridiculous, we know that! But isn't it part of the allure and charm of soap operas, that certain characters and couples can have an inexplicable effect on our hearts?

Stories are powerful. Unfortunately the people in control of the stories don't always play fair, or play nice. Sometimes they want to take their ball and go home and count their money.

Instead of railing against the unfairness of it all, or doing our best to publicly shame those we feel are most responsible for this travesty, we have chosen to step back and use the small voice we have to say "Thank you."

Thank you Agnes Nixon for creating Erica Kane and her daughters. For bringing socially relevant stories to daytime tv and making 40 years of life in Pine Valley entertaining, frustrating and heartwarming.



Thank you Susan Lucci for coming down from Mount Olympus to bring us the brilliant, gorgeous, complex, delightful dynamo, Erica Kane into our puny little lives.





Thank you Christina Bennett Lind for letting us call you "Chrissie" and keeping Bianca alive and well. You had an impossible task and you stepped in and have played the part with integrity, grace and beauty. You deserve every accolade we can think of to express our gratitude. 

Thank you Tamara Braun for being your sweet, smoking hot, dairy free self; for taking on the role of Reese and persevering through the most egregious, flagrant fuckery ever perpetrated against a character, straight or gay. For giving Reese both depth and pathos, and for revealing to us all the astounding sexiness of the world's most gentle, sweet and beloved little lesbian, Bianca Montgomery.

And to Eden Riegel. What can we say that we haven't already said? Thank you for your grace, your kindness, and your generosity. Thank you for sharing your time with us, on television and over twitter. Thank you for watching our ridiculous videos, reading our goofy blog posts and letting us interview you. Thank you for the laughter and tears we’ve shared over the years. You are one in a million. You are better than a Real Life Disney Princess. You are the sweetest human being in the history of human beings. And Blueberry is one lucky kid.

And, of course, we thank you for naming Blueberry after us…

What? “Pellen” is a great name!

Seriously, Eden, thank you for taking the high road, as it gave us the once in a lifetime chance to take the low road, a road that has enriched our lives and brought us so much joy. Not to mention the fun we've had!

And finally, thanks to all of you who have read the blog, watched our videos and followed us on Twitter. Your spirit, strength, and humour have been the greatest gift over these last two years. We hope you will stick with us on the next phase of our Pratt Falls journey!

Much love,

Ellen  &  Portia

You'll Never Guess Who Tweeted Us!!

Do you have any idea how hard (not to mention awkward) it is to try to explain cheese jokes?  Oy.

###

What an Auspicious Day! Binx Squared

The only thing that could possibly make this pic sweeter is if Tamara Braun were in the middle of it.  We're just sayin'....

i love you much(most beautiful darling)
by e.e. cummings

i love you much(most beautiful darling)
more than anyone on the earth and i
like you better than everything in the sky

-sunlight and singing welcome your coming

although winter may be everywhere

with such a silence and such a darkness
noone can quite begin to guess

(except my life)the true time of year-

and if what calls itself a world should have
the luck to hear such singing(or glimpse such
sunlight as will leap higher than high
through gayer than gayest someone's heart at your each

nearness)everyone certainly would(my 

most beautiful darling)believe in nothing but love

###

Hark the Herald, Pratt Falls Sings!

Hark the herald Pratt Falls sing
Glory to the the new found Binks!
Please don't have a divorce filed
Let Binks & Reese be reconciled!
Joyful all ye fans should rise
No one in Pine Valley ever dies!
With the Pratt Falls chicks proclaim
"Don't let Reese take all the blame!"
Hark the herald Pratt Falls sing
Binks still wears her wedding ring!

Reese by Pratt Falls is adored
Without Reese, Binks sure is bored!
Please let Reese return from France,
Wearing groovy fancy pants!
Poor Mimo and little Gabby,
Need both their moms to not feel crabby!
Please don't treat the fans so shabby.
Binks without Reese makes us stabby!
Hark the herald Pratt Falls sings,
"Why do writers do these things?"

RANT

Hark the Herald Pratt Falls sings,
Glory to the new found Binks!
Please don't have a divorce filed
Let Binks & Reese be reconciled!

Joyful all ye fans should rise
Join our angry, mournful cries!
With the Pratt Falls chicks proclaim:
"Eden Riegel is not to blame!"

###

The Official Thanksgiving Post

As so often happens, our plans did not turn out as planned. But we wanted to do a kick ass, gratitude busting post for you.  We just couldn't quite agree on what that would be exactly.  So, in the interest of sharing with you the inner workings of our little blog, here is a transcript of our discussion about an Official Thanksgiving Post.

* * *

PORTIA: Should we do a Thanksgiving post on what we are thankful for?

ELLEN: Sure, why not?

PORTIA: Ok, let's make a list.

ELLEN: #1 - I am grateful for Soap Opera Characters Who Stay Dead.

PORTIA: Can you name one? Besides a character that was 80 years old, played by an actor who was 90 years old and who died in real life and is for real not coming back, even in a dream sequence, because they are, realio trulio dead?

ELLEN: What's your point?

PORTIA: Never mind. What else?

ELLEN: Dobby the House Elf.

PORTIA: Shut up! I haven't seen Deathly Hallows yet!!

ELLEN: Diet Coke.

PORTIA: You are a deeply shallow person, you know that?

ELLEN: Alicia Minshew's hair.

PORTIA: Finally! We agree on something. She has the most awesome head of hair on the planet. It's phenomenal. If we are ever in the same room as Alicia Minshew, promise me you will not let me embarrass myself by trying to touch her hair, because I'm not sure I could resist the temptation.

ELLEN: No worries. You are never going to be in a room with Alicia Minshew and her Awesome Head of Curls.

PORTIA: Why not? It could happen!

ELLEN: Keep dreaming, it's pathetic, but sweet.

PORTIA: Alicia might walk in to the same restaurant where Tamara and I are enjoying a glass of Pinot Noir and a fine cheese platter. And Tam would graciously invite her over to our table.  It could totally happen.

ELLEN: Have you seen the latest photo of Tam?  Unlike you, she is not a woman who has a close personal relationship with dairy products.

PORTIA: You may say that I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.

ELLEN: I am very close to insisting you get professional help.

PORTIA: You think I need help? ME? You're the one who spent 2 days polishing your Ninja Turtle Collection because you plan on bequeathing it to Eden's baby boy. Like she wants your old, disgusting Ninja Turtle toys for her son. Please!

ELLEN: They are in mint condition!

PORTIA: Yeah. Ok, April O'Neil, keep telling yourself that.

ELLEN: Can we finish this list, already? I have things to do.

PORTIA: Well, obviously we need to include our utter gratitude for Chrissie. The Bianca recast was fraught with potential disaster.

ELLEN: So true.

PORTIA: And yet she's been terrific as Bianca.

ELLEN: She would be even more terrific if she ever got an actual storyline.

PORTIA: When are they going to give that girl a chance to show her stuff? She must be chomping at the bit waiting for an opportunity to unleash her hidden Bianca powers.

ELLEN: I bet she's so disappointed at not getting any hot eye sex after 6 months. It's so unfair.

PORTIA: We've tried our best! D & D clearly are unaware of, or are unimpressed by, our thinly veiled threats.

ELLEN: They have no compassion for the havoc they're causing in the Forest of Marginalized Gay Folk. None.

PORTIA: How hard can it be to recast Reese?

ELLEN: All they need is a skinny blond actress with sexy eyes.

PORTIA: You could throw a rock in LA and hit 10 skinny blond actresses without even trying!

ELLEN: Poor Binks.

PORTIA: Poor Chrissie.

ELLEN: Poor us.

PORTIA: GrrrrArrgghhh!

ELLEN: Great now I'm pissed and we're supposed to be talking about what we're grateful for.

PORTIA: You know what? Fuck it.  If Eden and Tam and Chrissie don't know how much we love and adore them by now, they never will. And we don't do what we do for their love and support anyway. We do it because . . . . . .

ELLEN:  Because . . . ?

PORTIA:  Yeah . . . why do we keep doing this?

ELLEN:  Because . . .

PORTIA: . . . Martha would miss us if we stopped.

ELLEN: Definitely, she would.

PORTIA: And, it's an awesome coping mechanism.

ELLEN: So true. Wielding the Hammer at the constant fuckery feels liberating and powerful, even if it's all imaginary.

PORTIA: And we laugh at lot.

ELLEN: We do!

PORTIA: I am so very grateful for that.

ELLEN: Me too. And I thank you.

PORTIA: You're very welcome. I thank you too.

ELLEN: Can we eat pie now?

PORTIA: Wait!! I thought of some one else to add to the list!

ELLEN: Yes?

PORTIA: Chrishell!

ELLEN: Why?

PORTIA: Are you joking me? Why?! Because she totally agreed to pitch a story to D & D about how, when Reese finally returns, Amanda makes a play for her.

ELLEN: Chrishell did not promise to do that.

PORTIA: Sure she did. 

ELLEN: Your gravy's got more than lumps in it.  Seriously, what are you smoking?

PORTIA: Ok, just you wait. There will come a day, when we are all in the same room -- me, you, Real life Disney Princess Eden Riegel and her little Prince Poops-a-Lot, the Ever Elusive Internet Free Tamara Braun, Chrissie the Woefully Lonely, Never-Gonna-Get-to-Play-A-Real-Lesbian Thespian, Alicia Minshew with her Head of Awesome Curls, and Chrishell, decked out in full Julie Newmar Catwoman Glory -- and she will tell you herself.

ELLEN: It will never happen.

PORTIA: Why?

ELLEN: Because that much pretty in one room WOULD CAUSE THE UNIVERSE TO EXPLODE!

PORTIA: You have a point.

ELLEN: Where's the pie?

PORTIA: Screw the pie, where's the bourbon?

###

PS:  For real, we wish all of you a very Happy Thanksgiving! Thanks for stopping by.

Listen People! Heed Our Warning!

Apparently the new Head Writers at All My Children  are not aware of the chaos and turmoil they are causing in a parallel universe.  Clearly they don't understand that by sidelining our beloved Bianca and keeping her separated from her smoking hot, legally wedded wife, Reese, they are responsible for severe disturbances in the Forest of Marginalized Gay Folk. The Rainbow Unicorns have gone mad and are stampeding! Killing innocent Stardust Glitter Fairies as they sun themselves on Moonblossom Mushrooms in the Field of Snowbutter Pansies.

For the love of Disney Princesses everywhere, we beg you David Kreizman and Donna Swajeski -- Give Christina Bennett Lind a Fucking Storyline and BRING BACK REESE. *







* DISCLAIMER: This post was posted following the use of legally prescribed painkillers. No actual Glitter Fairies were harmed. . . . but that could change. . . .

Monumental Mythic Musings

Please let the title of this post serve as a warning to you, dear reader, that deep philosophical, sorta-pseudo metaphysical Joycean-style Joseph Campbell induced ramblings are on the way.  We'll spare you any sort of attempt to justify this exchange. We're an odd pair of chicks who delight in over-analyzing our Bianca/Eden/Tamara/Reese obsession.  We include it here for your amusement.  As always, feel free to comment....


PORTIA:  What are you doing?

ELLEN: Nothing, what are you doing?

PORTIA:  Having a philosophical crisis.

ELLEN: Actually, I'm contemplating eating this bag of M&Ms while my brain degenerates into post-thesis mush.

PORTIA:  Why would you contemplate eating M&Ms? Just eat them for god's sake.

ELLEN:  Would the Loathly Lady eat M&Ms if offered to her?

PORTIA:  Unless you & the Loathly Lady are planning to get into bikinis this weekend there is no good reason NOT to eat the M&Ms.

ELLEN:  Good point.

PORTIA: Ok, can we talk about my crisis now?

ELLEN:  Proceed.

PORTIA:  I think I have a new theory on why I might be Bianca/Eden obsessed.

ELLEN:  Might be?

PORTIA:  Ok, fine. I can own it.  I am obsessed.  But I think I have figured out why.  Finally.

ELLEN: Ok, what is it?

PORTIA:  Well, you're aware that I do like me some serious mythology and am deeply interested in philosophy and frighteningly prone to over-analyzing stories that interest me.

ELLEN:  And it's just one of the many reasons why I love you.

PORTIA:  Sarcasm aside, Miss I Have A Masters Thesis in Medieval Literature, I have come to a very profound insight about our dear, beloved Bianca.

ELLEN:  Does our dear, beloved Bianca even exist anymore? Now that she's not Eden, or Eden is not Bianca? And Bianca is without Reese? I mean, the new chick is fine.  She seems to be a lovely person and a very good, competent actor, but...

PORTIA:  She's not Eden.  I know. . . but CBL is not what I want to talk about right now.

ELLEN: Ok, what is this blinding, profound insight?

PORTIA:  Well, I am reading these two Joseph Campbell books --

ELLEN: Simultaneously?

PORTIA:  Yes.  Do you have a problem with that?

ELLEN: No.

PORTIA:  Yes you do.  You think it's weird.

ELLEN:  No I don't.

PORTIA:  Look at you!  You're eating the M&Ms color by color.

ELLEN:  So?  I like to be organized.

PORTIA: Whatever.  According to Joe, --

ELLEN:  Are you on a first name basis now?

PORTIA:  As a matter of fact, yes.  According to Joe, the first function of mythology is "reconciliation" of the brutality of life with a gratitude for the sweetness of life.

ELLEN: Bianca knows about the brutality of life.

PORTIA:  I know! Right?  And, civilization's first mythologies affirm that even though life is full of "bitterness and pain" at it's core, our primary experience of life is sweetness.

ELLEN:  My primary experience of life right now is sweetness, but I think it has more to do with gratitude for the M&Ms than with primitive mythology.

PORTIA:  C'mon!  This is important.  Seriously, I can't overstate how significant I think this is!! -- The first mythologies were ones of affirmation of life. Reconciling the brutality and bitterness with the ultimate sweetness. Now if that is not the very heart and soul of Bianca Christine Montgomery's character, I don't know what is!!

ELLEN:  Well, it's true, everything in Bianca's history is proof that the poor girl has suffered plenty.

PORTIA:  And through it all she remained a good, life affirming person.

ELLEN:  Ok, but ... this isn't exactly a news flash.  We've always known Bianca is practically a saint.  I mean, she did give birth to the Messiah, Little Mimo.  And did you notice, the NuMimo looks exactly like Eden at age 7, which I think is weird.  But whatever, at least Bianca has her babies back.

PORTIA:  Focus Ellen, focus!  Think about Bianca in mythic terms, and consider all that she has suffered and how she always, ALWAYS stays a good person!  A "life-affirming" person!  I'm convinced it has raised the level of the character to mythic standing.

ELLEN:  Ooooh, I see what you mean.  Do you think Agnes ever read Joseph Campbell?

PORTIA:  Who knows.  But, you know, merely writing a character with this quality is not enough.  Having Bianca be played by an actor that physically, emotionally and intellectually projects the same sentiment is what is critical.

ELLEN: AMC had no idea how lucky there were.  Finding Eden for Bianca was catching lightening in a bottle. It doesn't matter how talented a recast is, or whether the writers are able to come up with something moving and brilliant, Bianca without Eden is not Bianca. You've actually put your finger on why this is true.

PORTIA:  It's not as simple as "we love Eden because she's so sweet and fun and cute!"  Bianca + Eden = MONUMENTAL MYTHIC MAGIC.

ELLEN:  Ok, you might have a propensity to overstate things a wee bit. Poor CBL, I wonder if she knew she was stepping into mythic shoes?  And it's so true, that no matter what life, or Pratt, has thrown at Eden, she seems to respond with complete and utter kindness and a belief that the world is ultimately good.  Just like Bianca does.

PORTIA:  Yes!  And in this day and age, when so many people are so deeply bitter and negative about EVERYTHING, it's refreshing and reassuring to see people, real and fictional, who still believe in the sweetness of life.

ELLEN:  Uh, yeah, so, what makes this a philosophical crisis?

PORTIA:  Well, there's more!  You know the whole "follow your bliss" stuff, right?

ELLEN:  Whatever the frak that means.

PORTIA:  According to Joe "bliss" is "that deep sense of being present, of doing what you absolutely must do to be yourself."  Again -- Hello Bianca!!  Her coming out story is all about doing what you absolutely must do to be yourself.

ELLEN:  And if Pratt hadn't ruined it, we might also have gotten to see Reese live out that kind of story.

PORTIA:  GrrrrrArrrggghhhh.

ELLEN:  That asshat's fuckery not only deprived us of the hottest lesbian eye sex on television, he damn near destroyed a mythic character!!  I had no idea I could despise him more deeply than I already did but I think I do.

PORTIA:  And may I just add, on the subject of Reese, I think one reason Reese is so important to the Bianca story is that her love for Bianca --hot eye sex being just one major indicator-- is proof of Bianca's wisdom in believing in the sweetness of life.

ELLEN:  If there is anything sweeter than those two together with Miranda and their ill-begotten baby Gaby, I don't know what it is.

PORTIA:  Good ole Joe also said that "the first function of mythology is to evoke in the individual a sense of grateful, affirmative awe before the monstrous mystery that is existence."

ELLEN:  That's deep.  And All My Children is frequently a monstrous mystery.

PORTIA:  Somehow, someway, despite what was written for their characters, Eden and Tamara created a bond between Bianca & Reese that is indestructible and indescribably sweet.  I mean, their wedding vows, for example, were so beautiful, and despite having to watch Greenlee drive herself off a cliff during their wedding ceremony, I felt full of that "grateful, affirmative awe."

ELLEN:  Ah ha! So this is why you made all those sappy music videos.

PORTIA:  Goddamnit! I WANT THEM BACK ON MY TV TOGETHER NOW AND FOREVER. Because while the rest of the world sucks donkeyballs those two made me believe in "the sweetness of life."

ELLEN:  And that there is your crisis.  I completely understand.

PORTIA:  I knew you would.

ELLEN:  Have some M&Ms.

###

Distracted from Distraction by Distraction

Hi! We're not going to comment on Christina Bennett Lind's debut as Bianca.  Not yet anyway.  The gal needs a chance to find her feet and interact with all the other characters.  And besides, we now have more important things to worry about!  Do you follow us on Twitter? (Why the hell not? It's big fun!)

As you may have noticed on AMC recently, Bianca received a call from her lovely wife Reese, and we see on Binks' phone the caller ID.  It says "Reese".  We found this to be wholly inadequate and we tweeted about it.

The tweets went something like this:

How come when Reese calls Bianca her ID just says "Reese" ? Wouldn't it be more accurate if it said "My Smoking Hot Wife" ?

Now we're involved in rather intense speculation regarding ring tones and Caller IDs. We are not normal people, but this you already knew...

Hey @edenriegel when Tamara Braun calls you is the ringtone FEVER & does the caller ID say "The Smoking Hot Ever Elusive Internet Free TB" ?

@edenriegel & when you call TB does a Heavenly Choir + Chimes alert her that "Real Live Disney Princess ER" is on the line? Just wondering?

Well, we were very surprised and pleased when one Ms. Eden Riegel responded!

Can you believe it? We couldn't quite believe it.

So, what do you think Eden's nickname is for Tam?  We've been feverishly speculating, but haven't come up with an answer ... yet!

###

A Very Special Open Letter to Christina Bennett Lind

___
Dear Chrissie,

Can we call you Chrissie? Do you prefer CB? Or, Ms. Lind? Let's go with Ms. Lind. It implies a level of respect we think you deserve. But we do hope, someday, we'll be buds and you'll let us call you Chrissie. Or whatever you so choose. Please feel free to call us Ellen & Portia. Everybody does.

Now before you get all excited, no, we're not "the real" Ellen and Portia. They are good looking, hugely successful, ridiculously wealthy, world famous lesbians and we're odd looking, mildly successful, relatively poor, unknown animated straight chicks. Don't feel badly if you've never heard of us. We're not surprised if your new bosses at All My Children failed to fill you in on "the Pratt Falls phenomenon." Feel free to catch up on that later. You must be kind of busy right now.

So... Congratulations on landing the role of a lifetime! Bianca is a very special character and we don't mean "very special" in a condescending, After-School Special kind of way. Yes, Bianca is gay, but that's not what makes her special!

Oh wait. Hell. Yes it is! It is special. Special in the sense that America, nay, the world, is in the throes of enormous gay angst. Every time basic, decent, civil, human rights are afforded homosexuals, a relatively small but enormously loud and well funded group of religious bigots and homophobic creeps spring into action to promise hellfire and damnation upon our nation, loudly proclaiming the threat that all children are now going to be taught how to have sex with goats. Yes, it's really that insane. And it infuriates us.

Why, you may reasonably ask, does it infuriate us? We are a couple of straight chicks, all this hate towards the gays doesn't really affect us, right? Ahhh, but it does. Because you see, we lost our Straight Cards. So now we feel this amazing affinity with the gays. We realize that in the wholly unlikely, probably never in this lifetime (or the next), chance that Eden Riegel or Tamara Braun would succumb to our not very subtle advances, we would be, not just Straight Chicks who lost their Straight Cards, we'd be actual, y'know bi-sexual lesbians. Though not angry ones. No, we'd be happy. Except that now we'd be the object of scorn by those ridiculous religious bigots. (Yes Pope, we're looking at YOU).

And it is all EDEN RIEGEL'S FAULT.

Now, don't get us wrong. We adore Eden. Literally. Like-- L.I.T.E.R.A.L.L.Y. And it was because Eden returned to All My Children to play the "very special" storyline of American Soaps' first same-sex marriage that Tamara Braun was hired to play Reese her "very special" love interest. And by "very special" we mean SMOKING HOT.

The combined heat generated by Eden and Tamara caused our Straight Cards to spontaneously combust. We in no way expected this to happen to us. Never before in our history had we been overcome with lust for other chicks. (Buffy & Willow don't count, that was Hero Worship) Well, what can we say? Except that we are firm believers in the power of a good, strong story especially if it's a well told story, with amazing female characters played by whip smart actors who happen to be freakishly good looking. Which begs the question, why is Joss Whedon not in charge of all television, all the time, on all the stations, everywhere in the world? Why?

But we digress. The heart wants what the heart wants. And our hearts want Bianca and Reese Together. Forever. Driving us crazy with their hot eye sex and smoldering good looks. And we want you to know we hope you (as Bianca) have the opportunity to create your own crazy chemistry with whatever Reese they supply you with, because Bianca (and you) deserve nothing less than the opportunity to have crazy hot eye sex for all Bianca (and your) fans to enjoy.

Did any of that make sense? Whatever, we're animated, we don't have to make sense! But you know what should make sense? Universal rights for all human beings and sometimes, even soap opera stories should make sense. Particularly when they involve sensitive issues like gay marriage and secret sperm.

Poor Eden, she thought her return to Pine Valley was going to be a story of a beloved character facing the challenges of a couple of gay girls getting married in this crazy country. And all her fans wanted to see Bianca finally, finally get the happy ending Bianca so richly deserved. Alas, the Powers That Be at All My Children wanted -- who knows? The best we can tell, they wanted the publicity and the G.L.A.A.D. award nomination they expected they would get for their gay marriage storyline, while simultaneously undermining the story with misogynistic, cliched and offensive homosexual stereotypes. In their minds, a fool proof recipe for success! (See KISH)

But the real horror was how they allowed Chuck Pratt to violate Bianca's character in such a way that it can only be compared to Bianca being raped by Michael Cambius. But at least Bianca got to kill that motherfucker. This time around Bianca has very little chance at redemption..... And it is so not fair. Not fair to Eden, not fair to you, not fair to the fans.

Well, golly! This might be a good time to mention that it has come to our attention that you have an identical twin sister. As much as we despise most outlandish plot twists that involve amnesia, comas and long lost, never before mentioned identical siblings and/or doppelgangers, in this instance we'd make an exception. Why not pitch a story idea to the new writers at AMC, that Bianca was cloned by that insanely smart, dastardly Doctor Hayward and it was an evil Bianca Clone that wanted her brother-in-law's sperm and not, NOT WE SAY, not our beloved realio trulio Bianca who is universally loved and adored by all except for some crazy ass people on the soap boards who clearly have souls which are nothing more than appalling dump heaps overflowing with the most disgraceful assortment of deplorable rubbish imaginable. Ignore those people. Trust us. You don't want to read what they have to say. About anything. Ever.

Speaking of reading stuff about Bianca.... Yeah, we'd also recommend you not visit the NC-17 fanfic section of the Breese Board. It might be tempting, but don't do it. Besides, you don't look old enough to qualify for the password.

While we're doling out advice, may we offer you a few more words of wisdom? Please remember and always honor the fact that Bianca's entire personage is a No-Penis Zone.

Also, should you ever, in your capacity of playing the role of Bianca, be asked to participate in any of the following, it is our advice to you that you immediately call your agent, hire a lawyer and categorically refuse to engage in:

1. Grief Sex in a Morgue
2. A Dance Marathon
3. Faking the Death of your infant child so you can adopt it later
4. Asking for your brother-in-law's sperm

So, in closing, we'd just like to say again CONGRATULATIONS! We sincerely hope you find great success playing the role of Bianca and we hope you won't be offended if we occasionally suggest you would be good for a super-hero role that requires a revealing and blatantly sexist costume. We do it out of love. Sort of.

Our job being the Defenders & Protectors of Eden Riegel and Tamara Braun is time consuming and exhausting, but please do not ever hesitate to tweet if you need us. We are always happy to help actors who have been attacked by the Evil League of Evil. (AKA Daytime Soap Executives)

Best wishes Chrissie! Good luck in Pine Valley,

Ellen & Portia

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Happy Birthday Tam!!

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A very special THANK YOU to Dianne at "Tamara Obscura" for letting us raid her photo gallery.
Go visit the site, it's fabulous! http://www.tamara-braun.com

Today In History...

It has come to our attention that April 15 is a most important anniversary of numerous dark and terrible historical events. Because we here at Pratt Falls believe that education is the key to success and immense suffering, we’d like to provide you with a most spectacular, anniversary edition of, PRATT FALLS: THE BLOG.

April 15, 1865 – President Abraham Lincoln dies after being shot by John Wilkes Booth. BAD/SAD

April 15, 1912 – In the early hours of April 15, 1912, the Titanic sank, plummeting to the ocean floor where it would sit and wait for James Cameron. COLD/WET

April 15, 2009 – We unleash that Pirate-shirt-wearing, robot-speaking, scruffy looking nerf herder onto the Internet. And Pratt Falls is born. AWESOME/SHOCKING

Today is our one-year anniversary and we couldn’t be more excited! We are so excited that after days and days of discussions we still have no idea how to mark this occasion. We were also incredibly distracted this week and had little time to construct a blog post worthy of this glorious day.

First Dixie Carter died, and Portia insisted on speaking with a Julia Sugarbaker accent for three days.

Then Ellen decided to stalk the twitter account of Shonda Rhimes because, according to Ellen, Rhimes might be the next Chuck Pratt. This is still unconfirmed. We can tell you that the season finale of Grey’s Anatomy will involve fire and a marked lack of subtlety.

Sarah Michelle Geller’s birthday was a 48-hour affair because Portia likes to honor the day by dressing up a hobo in vampire fangs and a cape, following him throughout the night, and staking him just before the sun rises. It’s romantic and creepy and highly illegal.

We were also distracted by Tamara Braun’s upcoming birthday. By “upcoming” we mean APRIL 18. Plus, Tamara Braun is distracting in general.

In light of our numerous distractions, we want to take this time to say a huge thank you! Because we’re never invited to the Emmys, Tonys, Webbys, or Peoples Choice Awards (wtf Queen Latifa?), you get to listen to our thank you speech…RIGHT NOW:

We’d like to thank:
1. The fans! The members of the Breese Board, the BAMmers, the Barfies, Zendall peeps, KISH brothers in arms, ABC folks, DOOL lovers, CBS fangirls. WE THANK YOU! Your endless support, strange midnight tweets, furious indignation and bad-assery has allowed Pratt Falls to survive and thrive. To quote Sue Sylvester, you are engorged with venom and triumph! We do this all for you.

2. Lies! We do this all for Eden Riegel! Eden, thank you for your grace, your class, your hotness, your ability to take the high road so that we can always, always take the low road, your patience, and your willingness to answer any question we ask. On that note, Portia would still like to know who your favorite Disney Princess is, why she is your favorite Disney Princess, how you know she is your favorite Disney Princess, and in a fight between your favorite Disney Princess and Victor Newman, who would win?

3. Tamara Braun. You sexy, saucy, missing in action woman! Thank you for having awesome powers of seduction, magical sex eyes, magical Reese outfits, magical sex everything. Sex. If you come out of hiding we promise to shower you with topical youtube videos and inappropriate questionnaires. Yes, the Internet really is that much fun. Don't believe us? Ask Eden.

4. Andrew Miller! Thank you for your brain, and thanks for letting us talk about Eden in chain mail, a Wonder Woman costume and other fetish apparel. What a swell guy!

5. The soap opera press! Thanks for featuring our little videos, writing articles about our greatness, nominating us for kick ass awards, giving our awards to a stuffed, dead, cat, fighting the good fight, and keeping the love for daytime TV alive! We love each and every one of you. But frak you, Mr. Kitty. Frak you.

6. Thor – for lending us thine hammer. We thank thee, verily.

7. Agnes Nixon – for coming to us in times of trouble, speaking words of wisdom, and letting it be.

8. Brook Nevin – for going over to Eden’s house and taking dirty pictures. Thumb up, Brook!

9. Marvel Comics – thanks for letting us steal your weapons, catchphrases and characters. We’re really sorry about the current state of the Spider-Man franchise, and we hope relaunching the series with Zac fucking Effron will help. Excelsior!

10. Have we mentioned the fans? We need to mention the fans again. THE FANS!

It’s been an amazing year and we can’t wait to see what will happen next! If you see Tamara Braun, tell her to get that magical sexy ass on the internet!

See you in Genoa City!

E & P

Portia's "Bianca & Reese Search Story"

Have You Seen This Girl?

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Off to Genoa City!

Many of you have asked (tweeted actually) about our thoughts on Eden's move to the Young & the Restless. Do we have an opinion about that? Well, you know we do!

We'd love to know what you think! Leave us a comment. Go on, you know you want to.

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