AMC: Pratt Falls * Fiasco Derby * Oct 21, 2008

UP IN HER JUNK

Lest anyone accuse us of being raging bitches, we are not afraid to call out good writing. The beginning of this episode filled us with hope. Bianca, in labor, looking with fear and trepidation at the clouds, actually recalls an event in her past. Or, let us make that more clear, the writers actually remembered an event in Bianca's past! Yes, Gabby's birth bears certain similarities to Miranda's arrival into the cruel Pine Valley world. Five points Gryffindor for actually giving us, your greedy audience, some continuity and historical background. Of course all of this joy will turn to shit in the next episode, but more on that later.

PORTIA: Watching actresses "give birth" on TV makes me extremely uncomfortable. Just thought I should share that with the universe.

ELLEN: Only Saint Bianca would ask for forgiveness during labor. Seriously, the woman is in excruciating pain, and she looks up with those puppy dog eyes and says, "Zach, can you forgive me for stealing your sperm, getting myself knocked up, and then not speaking to any of my dearest, darlingest family for 7 whole months?" What's a guy like Zach to do? He melts under the Bianca Montgomery charm.

PORTIA: I'm thinking Bianca's "Are you angry with me?" + "I'm so sorry" = another point in her "It Was My Fault" column!

ELLEN: Bianca - 2; World - 0

Most Questionable line of the episode: "No one needs to know. Just you, me and Kendall." Not Reese. No, she doesn't need to know. She thinks Gabby is 50% Kane and 50% rainbows. Unfortunately, the little tyke may be the antichrist, but Reese really doesn't need to know that either. Hell, neither does Erica.

Let's review the "What We Know About Reese" List:
a) She's so amazing (again)
b) She's been so supportive
c) She was the sweetest,
d) most wonderful person.
e) Bianca "really" loves her
f) She's "the real thing" --

PORTIA: As apposed to Zarf who was -- oh, never mind.
ELLEN: Oh gawd, where's the bucket?

Best Lines of the Episode: ( perhaps of the entire Bianca/Reese story arc):
Zach: Have I told you lately how much I adore you?
Bianca: Y'know romancing the lesbian while she's in labor isn't going to help anything.
Zach: That's a good point.

Okay folks, prepare yourselves. We need to talk about the actual birthing scene.

PORTIA: Zach looks like he's watching the greatest Red Wings game ever.
ELLEN: Unfortunately, the game is taking place between Bianca's legs. Did she wedge a TV up there?

This was a graphic birth. Obviously they didn't SHOW anything, but Holy Cannoli, did we hear the details. Zach had to get up in Bianca's "No Penis Zone" and push the baby, and then lift up the umbilical cord. We freely admit to feeling complete solidarity with Zach when Bianca told him he had to push the baby's head back and he squeamishly asked: "I gotta what?!?"

<<insert full body shudder here>> Thank god no one has ever had to rely on either one of us to deliver anything more important than a pizza.

PORTIA: Wouldn't you love to see the Props List for this episode?
1 blanket
1 large pot for boiling water
1 newborn infant, semi-bloody, preferably female

So the baby is born in the midst of a tornado and Zach...lifts it high into the air. There's a lot of lightening. This is no time for the Lion King. Or maybe, it's always a good time for the Lion King? Regardless, Gabby's tears are only the beginning. She weeps for the future. She weeps for her DNA. She weeps for Eden Riegel.

Well, watch and tell us what you think!

AMC: Pratt Falls * Fiasco Derby * Oct 20, 2008

Friends, Fans and Friends who are Fans,

Welcome to the 2008/2009 Fiasco Derby! We hope you'll join us for the duration of this wild and wacky re-watch, and in honor of the one-year anniversary of Eden Riegel's return, we have put together a newly edited version of the October 20, 2008 episode. We're working hard to provide excellent commentary, wit and snark with each subsequent episode, so stay tuned!

In the meantime, here is a list of supplies you'll need for our Fiasco Derby:

1 Pencil and/or Pen + paper - you'll want to keep track of each "Pratt Fail" (don't worry, you can't miss them!)
1 Earplugs - sometimes the dialogue gets scary
1 oversize bowl - for vomit/tears
32 boxes of kleenex (see above)
1 straw, preferably the swirly plastic Disney kind
1 bottle of your favorite booze -we suggest skipping the beer and coolers, head straight for the hard stuff. This ain't your grandma's All My Children - no matter how badly we wish it was.
1 phone - So you can call 911 when, five minutes into the first episode, your liver explodes.

Never fear, gentle fans, we will warn you before atrocious dialogue, or scenes of terror and character assassination appear. Remember, drink hard, and drink often.

Hold onto your hats, bad weather coming through...

Ellen & Portia

The 2008/2009 Fiasco Derby has been brought to you by: Wild Turkey, Kentucky's Finest Bourbon, Crown Royal, Fine Canadian Whiskey and the letter "S", which stands for SHIT and STORM (go figure!)

Ready for a Walk down Memory Lane?

Dear fans and friends of PRATT FALLS, we invite you to join us for the

2008/2009
"It Was My Fault"
Fiasco Derby

With the help of the numerous fans who re-capped, re-uploaded, and re-evaluated their lives during the brief bittersweet months of Bianca & Reese's story, we will boldly go where Breese Nation has obsessively gone before.

We hope you'll join us as we over-analyze, hyper-critique, ridicule, praise, bemoan, bitch and celebrate the wondrous and frustrating relationship that was Breese.

Our goal is to re-watch every YouTube clip of Bianca & Reese from Binks' first appearance on October 20, 2008 all the way through to the bitter end ... or until we just can't take it anymore, and we collapse in a fetal position weeping on the floor. Whichever comes first.

Count along as we document the number of times Bianca and/or Reese proclaim some variation of "It was my fault." Who knew when Pratt took over as Producer/Head Writer that his strategy for success would hinge on blaming his failures on others?

Storyline not working? Characters acting uncharacteristically? Plots full of holes? Don't fault the writers! Let Bianca & Reese take the blame. A solution which has a bonus -- it means neither Ryan nor Zach have to apologize for their asinine, douche-bag behavior, ever!

Yes, that tornado Pratt brought us last October was just a thinly veiled metaphor to let us loyal AMC fans know that the winds of change were coming. And, as is so often the case with tornadoes, the force of that wind has caused seemingly trivial things to become deadly projectiles.

Drop by tomorrow and join the fun! We'll save a seat on the couch for you.

Ellen & Portia