Friday, December 11, 2009

If There's No Breese in Venice, well then...

We've been asked by a few folks what we think of the new web series Venice and if we'll be shelling out $9.99 to view future episodes. We thought this might be a good time to remind everyone that we are obsessed with Bianca/Reese, not Otalia. Please don't assume we dislike Crystal Chappell or Jessica Leccia. Those gals are swell. It's just that, well, they are not Eden Riegel and Tamara Braun.

We have no intention of trying to talk anyone out of their insane love for Crystal and Jessica, don't you worry. We have lots of sympathy for folks whose lives have been overtaken by an irrational, unrequited love for fictional characters and the actors who portray them.

But, instead of a boring essay type post, let us just share with you how our conversation went as we tried to parse our response:


ELLEN: How are we going to respond to the Venice mania?

PORTIA: I certainly don't want to piss off or alienate any Otalia fans, but, y'know what? I also don't want people trying to talk me out of my Breese obsession just because Venice now exists.

ELLEN: Well, they finally kissed. So, yeah for Otalia fans! I watched without the sound on so I could imagine it was Olivia and Natalia.

PORTIA: What did you imagine them saying?

ELLEN: Olivia mentioned that Natalia tastes like cookies.

PORTIA: Yeh, I didn't need to know that.

ELLEN: Honestly, they could pay ME $9.99 to watch, it wouldn't matter. I don't want Olivia & Nat, I want Bianca & Reese!

PORTIA: I know! I know! I want Breese storming my screen with an overdose of pretty, melting my heart with their maddening love for each other, making "my panties fly off" with their insanely hot eye sex and generally destroying my hope of future heterosexual bliss because of Eden's selfish desire to keep our Straight Cards.

ELLEN: Preach, woman. Down with panties!

PORTIA: It's time to officially declare Tamara Braun the “Queen of Hot Eye Sex.”

ELLEN: I suppose if Eden gets to be a full time Disney Princess, Tamara can be a Queen.

PORTIA: The other problem with watching Venice is -- it kind of makes me feel like I'm cheating on Bianca & Reese and Catherine & Heather. I feel like I should have love for only one lesbian couple and one web series. Fidelity means a lot to me. If I were married to Tiger Woods I would have beaten him to death with a 9 iron and I don't even know what a 9 iron is.

ELLEN: Tiger Woods is a dirty, dirty, cheating, lying asshat. How many strippers did this man have sex with? He needs to shower...and get tested.

PORTIA: He needs the “Karen Silkwood” shower, and even that might not be enough to wash the skank off his sorry ass.

ELLEN: I would never cheat. Cheaters go blind and lose their children by having them whisked away on private jets to fancy Parisian suburbs!

PORTIA: Reese didn't cheat! Please, let's be clear about this. My woman is not a cheater. She was forced into that stupid, drunken kiss before the wedding by crappy writing and it in no way reflected her true character. It was an aberration, an unsubstantiated act of stupidity that Reese cannot, nor should not, be held responsible for --

ELLEN: – much like Bianca asking Zach to be her baby daddy.

PORTIA: Yes! They were equally abhorrent acts created by the Supreme Asshat of all Asshats and by god, the combined heinousness of those actions has forever canceled each other out!

ELLEN: Thus making Bianca & Reese able to truly reconcile and live happily ever after in Breese Fanficdom!

PORTIA: So say we all.

ELLEN: I think Crystal's character on Venice might be a cheater.

PORTIA: Very possibly. But, sadly, I don't care.

ELLEN: Y'know, I think we're just going to have to declare our ambivalence for any and all lesbians who are not Bianca and/or Reese –

PORTIA: -- and reaffirm our dedication to the gals who hold our Straight Cards.

ELLEN: Agreed.

PORTIA: How about a brand new Breese music video to remind everyone of the glorious, beauteous, smoking hotness of Bianca & Reese?

ELLEN: Perfect. I didn't want my Straight Card back anyway.


Sunday, December 6, 2009

AMC Pratt Falls * A Little Pratt Music

Chuck Pratt's last day at All My Children. (With sincere apologies to Stephen Sondheim.)