Sunday, May 16, 2010

A Very Special Open Letter to Christina Bennett Lind

Dear Chrissie,

Can we call you Chrissie? Do you prefer CB? Or, Ms. Lind? Let's go with Ms. Lind. It implies a level of respect we think you deserve. But we do hope, someday, we'll be buds and you'll let us call you Chrissie. Or whatever you so choose. Please feel free to call us Ellen & Portia. Everybody does.

Now before you get all excited, no, we're not "the real" Ellen and Portia. They are good looking, hugely successful, ridiculously wealthy, world famous lesbians and we're odd looking, mildly successful, relatively poor, unknown animated straight chicks. Don't feel badly if you've never heard of us. We're not surprised if your new bosses at All My Children failed to fill you in on "the Pratt Falls phenomenon." Feel free to catch up on that later. You must be kind of busy right now.

So... Congratulations on landing the role of a lifetime! Bianca is a very special character and we don't mean "very special" in a condescending, After-School Special kind of way. Yes, Bianca is gay, but that's not what makes her special!

Oh wait. Hell. Yes it is! It is special. Special in the sense that America, nay, the world, is in the throes of enormous gay angst. Every time basic, decent, civil, human rights are afforded homosexuals, a relatively small but enormously loud and well funded group of religious bigots and homophobic creeps spring into action to promise hellfire and damnation upon our nation, loudly proclaiming the threat that all children are now going to be taught how to have sex with goats. Yes, it's really that insane. And it infuriates us.

Why, you may reasonably ask, does it infuriate us? We are a couple of straight chicks, all this hate towards the gays doesn't really affect us, right? Ahhh, but it does. Because you see, we lost our Straight Cards. So now we feel this amazing affinity with the gays. We realize that in the wholly unlikely, probably never in this lifetime (or the next), chance that Eden Riegel or Tamara Braun would succumb to our not very subtle advances, we would be, not just Straight Chicks who lost their Straight Cards, we'd be actual, y'know bi-sexual lesbians. Though not angry ones. No, we'd be happy. Except that now we'd be the object of scorn by those ridiculous religious bigots. (Yes Pope, we're looking at YOU).

And it is all EDEN RIEGEL'S FAULT.

Now, don't get us wrong. We adore Eden. Literally. Like-- L.I.T.E.R.A.L.L.Y. And it was because Eden returned to All My Children to play the "very special" storyline of American Soaps' first same-sex marriage that Tamara Braun was hired to play Reese her "very special" love interest. And by "very special" we mean SMOKING HOT.

The combined heat generated by Eden and Tamara caused our Straight Cards to spontaneously combust. We in no way expected this to happen to us. Never before in our history had we been overcome with lust for other chicks. (Buffy & Willow don't count, that was Hero Worship) Well, what can we say? Except that we are firm believers in the power of a good, strong story especially if it's a well told story, with amazing female characters played by whip smart actors who happen to be freakishly good looking. Which begs the question, why is Joss Whedon not in charge of all television, all the time, on all the stations, everywhere in the world? Why?

But we digress. The heart wants what the heart wants. And our hearts want Bianca and Reese Together. Forever. Driving us crazy with their hot eye sex and smoldering good looks. And we want you to know we hope you (as Bianca) have the opportunity to create your own crazy chemistry with whatever Reese they supply you with, because Bianca (and you) deserve nothing less than the opportunity to have crazy hot eye sex for all Bianca (and your) fans to enjoy.

Did any of that make sense? Whatever, we're animated, we don't have to make sense! But you know what should make sense? Universal rights for all human beings and sometimes, even soap opera stories should make sense. Particularly when they involve sensitive issues like gay marriage and secret sperm.

Poor Eden, she thought her return to Pine Valley was going to be a story of a beloved character facing the challenges of a couple of gay girls getting married in this crazy country. And all her fans wanted to see Bianca finally, finally get the happy ending Bianca so richly deserved. Alas, the Powers That Be at All My Children wanted -- who knows? The best we can tell, they wanted the publicity and the G.L.A.A.D. award nomination they expected they would get for their gay marriage storyline, while simultaneously undermining the story with misogynistic, cliched and offensive homosexual stereotypes. In their minds, a fool proof recipe for success! (See KISH)

But the real horror was how they allowed Chuck Pratt to violate Bianca's character in such a way that it can only be compared to Bianca being raped by Michael Cambius. But at least Bianca got to kill that motherfucker. This time around Bianca has very little chance at redemption..... And it is so not fair. Not fair to Eden, not fair to you, not fair to the fans.

Well, golly! This might be a good time to mention that it has come to our attention that you have an identical twin sister. As much as we despise most outlandish plot twists that involve amnesia, comas and long lost, never before mentioned identical siblings and/or doppelgangers, in this instance we'd make an exception. Why not pitch a story idea to the new writers at AMC, that Bianca was cloned by that insanely smart, dastardly Doctor Hayward and it was an evil Bianca Clone that wanted her brother-in-law's sperm and not, NOT WE SAY, not our beloved realio trulio Bianca who is universally loved and adored by all except for some crazy ass people on the soap boards who clearly have souls which are nothing more than appalling dump heaps overflowing with the most disgraceful assortment of deplorable rubbish imaginable. Ignore those people. Trust us. You don't want to read what they have to say. About anything. Ever.

Speaking of reading stuff about Bianca.... Yeah, we'd also recommend you not visit the NC-17 fanfic section of the Breese Board. It might be tempting, but don't do it. Besides, you don't look old enough to qualify for the password.

While we're doling out advice, may we offer you a few more words of wisdom? Please remember and always honor the fact that Bianca's entire personage is a No-Penis Zone.

Also, should you ever, in your capacity of playing the role of Bianca, be asked to participate in any of the following, it is our advice to you that you immediately call your agent, hire a lawyer and categorically refuse to engage in:

1. Grief Sex in a Morgue
2. A Dance Marathon
3. Faking the Death of your infant child so you can adopt it later
4. Asking for your brother-in-law's sperm

So, in closing, we'd just like to say again CONGRATULATIONS! We sincerely hope you find great success playing the role of Bianca and we hope you won't be offended if we occasionally suggest you would be good for a super-hero role that requires a revealing and blatantly sexist costume. We do it out of love. Sort of.

Our job being the Defenders & Protectors of Eden Riegel and Tamara Braun is time consuming and exhausting, but please do not ever hesitate to tweet if you need us. We are always happy to help actors who have been attacked by the Evil League of Evil. (AKA Daytime Soap Executives)

Best wishes Chrissie! Good luck in Pine Valley,

Ellen & Portia


Saturday, May 15, 2010

OMG a New Bianca!

Yes, we know!
We heard!
Will we have more to say about it?

You know we will.

But in the meantime, why not enjoy further proof of Eden's versatility and general awesomeness?