Picture us watching today's episode of All My Children and insert string of unladylike expletives here.
PORTIA: %$&#*!@# Don't the "Good Story Telling Rules" still include "Show, Don't Tell" ?
ELLEN: Of course they do! And not only that, "Show, Don't Tell" is especially useful when writing for a visual medium such as -- television!
PORTIA: Well as far as I can tell, All My Children is still a television show. Though just barely.
ELLEN: Damn! I was so excited when we read the spoilers about Mimo being rushed to the hospital. Some actual DRAMA, potentially involving Bianca!!
ELLEN: I love Mimo almost as much I love and adore Bianca.
PORTIA: And her other Mommy, the Ever Illusive Pine Valley Averse Reese.
ELLEN: NuMimo looks like a 7 year old Eden clone. It makes my heart hurt.
PORTIA: I still love original recipe Mimo. Wonder what Haley's up to these days?
ELLEN: I wonder if she has a Messiah Complex. If not she certainly deserves one.
PORTIA: I just don't understand AMC! C'mon, is this the way to create drama ??
1) put a small, adorable, universally cherished, messianic child in danger but DON'T ACTUALLY SHOW HER IN DANGER
2) have her new found friend, the crusty, old curmudgeon rescue her but DON'T ACTUALLY SHOW HIM RESCUING HER
ELLEN: Excellent job guys! The suspense is killing us. What happens next? Mimo is saved but we DON'T ACTUALLY GET TO SEE HER RESUSCITATED?
PORTIA: Well, y'know, where's the excitement in seeing any of that stuff? Maybe, if we're lucky we'll get to see something fun and different and exciting tomorrow like, like -- MARISSA CRYING! Wouldn't THAT be GREAT? Can't wait to see that. Again. Forty days and forty nights of non stop crying courtesy of Marissa. Gah!
ELLEN: Poor Bianca is the one separated from her smoking hot wife, she's got something to cry about. But does she cry? No! She babysits and plans parties.
PORTIA: Marissa is so mopey she almost makes me wish Babe would come back from the dead just to slap her.
ELLEN: Why do you say such horrible things?
PORTIA: Sorry, it must the bourbon and the broken dreams.
ELLEN: And what is with Caleb and Angie and the faux dramatic pause over Mimo's body???? Shouldn't they be taking her to the hospital ASAP?
PORTIA: Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
ELLEN: It should have looked like this:
1. Angie, stumbling around, the house FULL OF SMOKE.
PORTIA: Come on AMC, we'll host a fundraiser to buy you guys a damn smoke machine.
2. Caleb barreling into Miranda's SMOKE FILLED room, pulling her little lifeless body from the haze.
3. Angie and Caleb rushing out the door to the sound of ambulances and cop cars in the air. Lots of smoke.
PORTIA: LOTS AND LOTS OF SMOKE.
4. Quick cut to Bianca, as she falls to the ground screaming in pain - something is wrong with Miranda!
PORTIA: But everything will be alright. . . because .... it has to be.
5. Quick cut to Kendall, screaming for Bianca because she feels Binks feeling Mimo in danger!
6. Quick cut to European city. It's night. Erica Kane wakes from a disturbed sleep. Her eyes flash -
PORTIA: KANE BABY INJURED! JACK WAKE UP! KANE BABY INJURED!
7. Quick cut to Gabrielle, holding wire cutters and matches.
PORTIA: *cue Addam's family theme*
8. Cut to Reese. Slouching over a table in a sleazy French bar holding a glass of cheap wine.
PORTIA: Mumbling incoherently over and over: "this is all my fault!"
ELLEN: WHY ARE WE NOT THE HEAD WRITERS OF THIS SHOW?!?!?!
PORTIA: WHY ARE THE CURRENT WRITERS LAZY AND CHEAP?!?!?
ELLEN: They didn't have a bedroom set so everything was offscreen?
PORTIA: Please! With a smoke machine and a Little Mermaid blanket they could have turned AJ's room into Miranda's room. Easy.
ELLEN: Do you think CBL will be able to successfully pull off Bianca in Mama Bear mode?
PORTIA: The real question is will they even bother to show us Bianca?