Thursday, December 31, 2009
Friday, December 11, 2009
We've been asked by a few folks what we think of the new web series Venice and if we'll be shelling out $9.99 to view future episodes. We thought this might be a good time to remind everyone that we are obsessed with Bianca/Reese, not Otalia. Please don't assume we dislike Crystal Chappell or Jessica Leccia. Those gals are swell. It's just that, well, they are not and .
We have no intention of trying to talk anyone out of their insane love for Crystal and Jessica, don't you worry. We have lots of sympathy for folks whose lives have been overtaken by an irrational, unrequited love for fictional characters and the actors who portray them.
But, instead of a boring essay type post, let us just share with you how our conversation went as we tried to parse our response:
ELLEN: How are we going to respond to the Venice mania?
PORTIA: I certainly don't want to piss off or alienate any Otalia fans, but, y'know what? I also don't want people trying to talk me out of my Breese obsession just because Venice now exists.
ELLEN: Well, they finally kissed. So, yeah for Otalia fans! I watched without the sound on so I could imagine it was Olivia and Natalia.
PORTIA: What did you imagine them saying?
ELLEN: Olivia mentioned that Natalia tastes like cookies.
PORTIA: Yeh, I didn't need to know that.
ELLEN: Honestly, they could pay ME $9.99 to watch, it wouldn't matter. I don't want Olivia & Nat, I want Bianca & Reese!
PORTIA: I know! I know! I want Breese storming my screen with an overdose of pretty, melting my heart with their maddening love for each other, making "my panties fly off" with their insanely hot eye sex and generally destroying my hope of future heterosexual bliss because of Eden's selfish desire to keep our Straight Cards.
ELLEN: Preach, woman. Down with panties!
PORTIA: It's time to officially declare Tamara Braun the “Queen of Hot Eye Sex.”
ELLEN: I suppose if Eden gets to be a full time Disney Princess, Tamara can be a Queen.
PORTIA: The other problem with watching Venice is -- it kind of makes me feel like I'm cheating on Bianca & Reese and Catherine & Heather. I feel like I should have love for only one lesbian couple and one web series. Fidelity means a lot to me. If I were married to Tiger Woods I would have beaten him to death with a 9 iron and I don't even know what a 9 iron is.
ELLEN: Tiger Woods is a dirty, dirty, cheating, lying asshat. How many strippers did this man have sex with? He needs to shower...and get tested.
PORTIA: He needs the “Karen Silkwood” shower, and even that might not be enough to wash the skank off his sorry ass.
ELLEN: I would never cheat. Cheaters go blind and lose their children by having them whisked away on private jets to fancy Parisian suburbs!
PORTIA: Reese didn't cheat! Please, let's be clear about this. My woman is not a cheater. She was forced into that stupid, drunken kiss before the wedding by crappy writing and it in no way reflected her true character. It was an aberration, an unsubstantiated act of stupidity that Reese cannot, nor should not, be held responsible for --
ELLEN: – much like Bianca asking Zach to be her baby daddy.
PORTIA: Yes! They were equally abhorrent acts created by the Supreme Asshat of all Asshats and by god, the combined heinousness of those actions has forever canceled each other out!
ELLEN: Thus making Bianca & Reese able to truly reconcile and live happily ever after in Breese Fanficdom!
PORTIA: So say we all.
ELLEN: I think Crystal's character on Venice might be a cheater.
PORTIA: Very possibly. But, sadly, I don't care.
ELLEN: Y'know, I think we're just going to have to declare our ambivalence for any and all lesbians who are not Bianca and/or Reese –
PORTIA: -- and reaffirm our dedication to the gals who hold our Straight Cards.
PORTIA: How about a brand new Breese music video to remind everyone of the glorious, beauteous, smoking hotness of Bianca & Reese?
ELLEN: Perfect. I didn't want my Straight Card back anyway.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Friday, November 27, 2009
We find ourselves in a bit of a moral quandary. Caught up in the holiday spirit we created a little parody called: You're A Mean One, Mr. Pratt. You can probably guess what it entails. But we can't decide if we should post it or not.
Our dilemma is this -- the man's been fired. Do we need to keep piling it on? We are at odds on this point and have decided to let you, the fans, decide. Please vote and let us know what you think. And as always, thanks for watching (and reading) Pratt Falls!
Ellen and Portia
PS: VOTING OFFICIALLY CLOSES AT 9pm EST TONIGHT (Nov. 27, 2009)
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
Charles Pratt, Jr.
All My Children
320 West 66th St.
New York, NY 10023
Hello again. Well, it's has been two weeks and we've had no word from you, or anyone at ABC Daytime, about our original offer to purchase creative control of All My Children. We're so sorry if you thought that we would slither away in shame if you ignored us. Have you not yet learned that ignoring the fans does not always result in their weary acquiescence? Or perhaps your silence is indication that you still deny our very existence? Obviously you are still immune to our cries of anguish as you destroy, decimate and demean our beloved characters with abominable behavior and ridiculous, inconsequential story lines. We could feign surprise at these developments, but we all know that this is standard operating procedure for you.
To be honest, we anticipated your inability to take our offer seriously. You've proven over and over again that you're not one to face your critics or admit mistakes. We did however harbour some hope that you might jump at the chance to leap off your own sinking ship when given the opportunity. That is why we are still willing to negotiate with you, Chuck. Unlike you, we are not unreasonable people. Our animated nature makes us resilient, resourceful and buoyant. We remain ready to throw you a life preserver -- if only you'll abandon ship.
Need we remind you, Chuckie, that we took an oath? A sacred oath to protect and defend two very special people, who, because of you, may never be seen in Pine Valley again. We find this wholly and completely unacceptable.
We readily admit that our anxiety level is peaking as we anticipate the 40th Anniversary of AMC. Everyone knows you cannot be trusted with -- . Let's be frank, Chuck. Everyone knows you cannot be trusted. Period. Full stop. Why elaborate? Your record speaks for itself. We need not enumerate your offenses. Read any soap opera forum, visit any board, your treachery is well documented and decried daily.
What we don't understand is why you persist? With the exception of Greenlee/Rebecca Budig, you clearly have no love or respect for the characters of Pine Valley, nor the actors on All My Children. It seems to us that you yearn for a canvas where you can paint your women as either conniving, duplicitous bitches or spineless, wimps easily manipulated by men half as intelligent as they are. More specifically, men who are mumbling, whining, raging dim witted bullies wielding guns, or drugs. Or both. We want to change all that Chuck. But change must begin with you. Or more to the point, with your absence.
And so we remain faithful to our original offer of $100 to purchase, as-is, a once magnificent soap opera, whose existence now is a mere mockery of it's former glory. Think about it. The show has become like a silly toy you've grown tired of playing with, and we're here to offer you real American cash money to take it off your hands.
We are most sincerely yours,
Ellen & Portia
(the Animated Ones)
PS: This offer will expire November 30, 2009. Mostly because Ellen really wants to buy the new Xbox LEGO Rock Band and it costs $49.99.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Okay, they're imaginary and we're animated, but technically, our animated status makes us imaginary too! Plus, they're raging bitches and we're raging animated alcoholics! It's a match made in hell!
When we sent Catherine and Heather our interview questions, we feared that they might very well ignore us. That is why we kidnapped Robert Pattinson, covered him in whip cream and strategically placed cherries, and delivered him blindfolded and handcuffed to the very imaginary bed of the Imaginary Bitches. Try ignoring that!
Now, after a few days of waiting, and a letter from Mr. Pattinson's lawyers and a noted psychiatrist, we are proud to present Imaginary Bitches: The Interview.
Warning: The following interview contains nudity, violence, and Battlestar Galactica references. Viewer discretion is advised.
CATHERINE - If I had a nickel for everytime someone disappeared into Heather's black hole...
HEATHER - I'm not really into astrology. I only watch BSG for the outfits.
What do you think it is about Eden that makes her susceptible to being followed around by both imaginary and animated characters?
CATHERINE - I wish I knew. Because maybe then I could reverse it and finally get a chance to hang out with someone else. Someone who's idea of fun isn't training for a marathon. Sober.
Is Riley really real?
HEATHER - His farts sure are.
We hear there might be an Imaginary Bitches movie and that Anne Hathaway is being talked about for the role of Eden. Who will be cast in your parts?
CATHERINE - There aren't many imaginary actresses with more name value than us. In North America, at least. There are a couple imaginary European actresses that are getting a lot of attention, but no one wants to listen to Eden repeat things in their stupid accents. She doesn't need any more reasons to be bad.
HEATHER - And we'd sue the crap out of Andrew if he replaced us. The American Imaginary Civil Liberties Union is dying to get their hands on a high profile law suit.
What if Cameron Diaz and Salma Hayek say no?
HEATHER - Have you seen "The Box"? Cameron Diaz doesn't say no to ANY movie.
CATHERINE - Have you see Salma's hips? She doesn't say no to ANY food.
Do you have any plans to show up on Venice Beach and wreak havoc in Crystal Chappell's life?
HEATHER - I am so proud of Crystal. She's my hero. She has achieved so much and given her history, I think she's an inspiration. Very few people ever break out of porn--
CATHERINE (interrupting) - Wait, are you thinking of Crystal Chappelle? With an "e"? The girl you stripped with at the Body Shop?
HEATHER - Yeah, she's my hero. I didn't realize she got a new place in Venice.
CATHERINE - She still lives in the Valley. And she's still in porn. They're talking about a girl who held hands with another girl on a soap opera and gives a lot of interviews...
HEATHER- Ohhhh. Can Crystal with no "e" open a bottle of Champagne with her inner thighs?
CATHERINE - Probably.
HEATHER - Then she's my hero, too.
CATHERINE - Yeah, we haven't been asked to appear on Venice Beach.
Do you know how to get in touch with the ever elusive, internet free, Tamara Braun? If so, will you tell her we had to turn in our Straight Cards because of her?
CATHERINE - It's hard for her. Skinny people are afraid of technology. It's all too heavy for their tiny little arms to lift.
HEATHER - So true. I know when I've eating like a pig if I don't strain when I hold my iPhone. I picked up Eden's laptop the other day with ease and immediately started a Master Cleanse.
Who is your favorite Disney Villain?
CATHERINE - Brian Frons.
If you met Chuck Pratt in a dark alley, what might you want to say, or do, to him?
HEATHER - Question... In the alley, is he sobbing quietly to himself, or having a "play date" with a special friend named Lola?
CATHERINE - I actually have a lot of respect for Chuck.
HEATHER - Question... Is he with Rebecca? In the alley?
CATHERINE - Any brain dead moron can take advantage of a talented cast by writing stories and dialogue that play to their strengths. Big deal.
HEATHER - Is he going to make me tell him how much more awesome the new Melrose Place would be if he was writing it?
CATHERINE - And it doesn't take writing ability to utilize 40 years of a show's backstory to help craft the future.
HEATHER - Is he going to ask me to touch his Hammer of Thor?
CATHERINE - Chuck isn't lazy. He's worked his ass off to ruin All My Children. It's like they always say, "Creating something great is easy. Destroying something great is hard." The environment? The economy? It's taken decades to wreck that stuff. Chuck's done it in just a couple years. You gotta respect that.
Friday, November 6, 2009
1. You girls are imaginary, and we're animated. You seem to hate Eden and we adore her. Do you ever fear that if the four of us were in a room together, that the simultaneous wave-like and particle-like behavior of both our matter and radiation would cause us to cancel each other out, thus making us all disappear into a black hole?
2. What do you think it is about Eden that makes her susceptible to being followed around by both imaginary and animated characters?
3. Is Riley really real?
4. We hear there might be an Imaginary Bitches movie and that Anne Hathaway is being talked about for the role of Eden. Who will be cast in your parts?
5. What if Cameron Diaz and Salma Hayek say no?
6. Do you have any plans to show up on Venice Beach and wreak havoc in Crystal Chappell's life?
7. Do you know how to get in touch with the ever elusive, internet free, Tamara Braun? If so, will you tell her we had to turn in our Straight Cards because of her?
8. Who is your favorite Disney Villain?
9. If you met Chuck Pratt in a dark alley, what might you want to say, or do, to him?
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Charles Pratt, Jr.
All My Children
320 West 66th St.
New York, NY 10023
Dear Mr Pratt,
Hello Chuck. We know, you're probably not a huge fan of our work. After all, we've spent the last few months questioning your drug use, competence and sanity. We're not here to apologize, though perhaps we were at times slightly harsh. But really Chuck, you've made mistakes along the way and it would have been irresponsible not to point out these mistakes, satirize them, upload them to YouTube, and wait for fanmail.
We digress. The reason we are writing you this timely letter is because we're worried, Chuck, we're very worried. Obviously you're unhappy with your job. Being the head-writer of a 40 year-old soap opera must be very stressful. You have made this quite evident with your need to verbally abuse beloved Emmy Award Winning actresses, and commit heinous acts of character assassination (both literally - poor Stuart - and figuratively).
We know Eden Riegel can be a little overwhelming. We know you find it creepy when she repeatedly changes your environmentally unfriendly bottled water into wine with a just a well-timed flick of her perfectly manicured finger. We know it's rather strange that she is able to walk across your swimming pool. But Chuck, to not invite her back for the 40th Anniversary Show? To blame her for the failings of your groundbreaking, two year, bisexual lesbian love-story? Buddy, you go too far.
Because we are extraordinarily good people (both in reality and in animated form), we would like to help you out. Chuckles, we know you are overwhelmed by our kindness, but we're concerned for the safety and well-being of All My Children, its hardworking cast, and the future of the soap opera genre. That is why we are prepared to make a life changing offer. An offer that will free you from the daytime world, and allow you to follow your dream of creating an all-Pratt, all-the time, Melrose Place: The Prequel to the Sequel.
Chuck Pratt, we, the creative geniuses behind the hit YouTube webseries "Pratt Falls," would like to buy All My Children. We offer you $100 big ones (or $106.58 Canadian), in exchange for all creative control over Agnes Nixon's daytime masterpiece. For a limited time we will also throw in a special edition, 2 disc, Little Mermaid DVD, and an autographed 8x10 wedding photo of Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi. Accept within the next ten minutes, and we'll include a clip on reading lamp, and a Snuggie.
We are most sincerely yours,
Ellen & Portia
(the Animated Ones)
Remember, Remember the 5th of November,
The gunpowder, treason, and plot.
We see of no reason, why the gunpowder treason,
Should ever be forgot.
Except, we have no interest in spending our hard earned, non existent, cash on plastic Guy Fawkes masks or purchasing gunpowder off of eBay. We prefer verbal abuse over physical violence. The ABC studios are safe.
Cc: Robert A. Iger, President and Chief Executive Officer, The Walt Disney Company; Mr. M. Mouse, Rodent Extraordinaire
Bc: Brian Frons, President Daytime Disney-ABC Television Group; Julie Hanan Carruthers, Executive Producer - All My Children
To Be Continued...
Sunday, November 1, 2009
And we have to wonder, does Eden realize what she has done? We already adore her, and now this? It just makes us love her more. And we really didn't think that was possible.
So without further ado, we bring you the
PRATT FALLS * EXCLUSIVE * EDEN RIEGEL INTERVIEW:
Eden, is filming a scene where a guy, who's supposed to be your brother-in-law, is all up in your junk delivering your baby in the wreckage of a tornado, as awkward as shooting a steamy sex scene with a guy you hardly know or barely like? Wait, have you ever filmed a steamy sex scene with a guy, – ever? Do you think the one steamy sex scene you got with Reese actually counts as steamy considering she was wearing a turtle neck?
The “Steamiest” scene I’ve ever had was with Olga Sosnovska (ex-Lena, who I actually had a dream about last night. Random!) in the steam room after a couples’ yoga class. It included a suggestive shoulder massage, porno music, and literal steam surrounding us, provided by some very happy stagehands on the perimeter of the set. But that scene included no actual lip-locking, if I remember correctly.
I definitely consider the scene with Reese on the bed, even taking into account the turtleneck, the sexiest scene I’ve ever been a part of. C’mon, when she whispers “Get me out of the clothes?!” I think women all over America felt their panties just fly off. Hot. I’ve never had anything in that same ballpark with a male actor in anything I’ve done. My husband would like to keep it that way.
And, yes, you nailed the baby-delivery scene in the wreckage with Bro-in-law Zack as the most awkward and uncomfortable scene I have ever had the displeasure to be involved in. Nothing steamy about your good pal Thorsten getting all up inside your “junk” when you’re sweaty and dirty, and no one has washed your pregnancy-pad/body-suit in days. TMI? It was just nasty. Believe me, between that and getting busy with the lovely Tamara Braun there is no comparison.
Now that you've given birth to two fictional children, what would you say is the toughest part about fictional motherhood?
The stretch marks.
Canadians do it better. Yay or nay?
Yay, yay, yay! Even if they didn’t do it better, they sure do it nicer.
If Bianca and Reese had had a Jewish wedding, could they have avoided all the subsequent heartache? After all, if Reese had downed a bottle of Manischewitz the night before, as apposed to a bottle of Scotch, the only thing she would have made out with is a bagel with schmeer.
If only Reese were a Jew! It would have saved us so much heartache. But she drank WAY too much to not be a goy. It was the root of a lot of Breese’s problems, I think. That and not knowing a lick about each other before having a baby together. Tamara would totally have made out with a bagel and a schmeer over Zach. The girl loves her carbs.
We understand that the Emmy Award, which each of you are now the proud recipients of, stands 15.5 inches (39 cm) tall with a base diameter of 7.5 inches (19 cm) and weights 88 oz (5.5 pounds or 2.5 kg). Do you ever wonder what potential injuries might be inflicted if someone hurled an Emmy statue in the general direction of a pirate-shirted producer/head writer? We only ask because we wonder about it obsessively.
The year I won the kid who won for Younger actor impaled himself with the statuette on stage and it looked VERY painful. Watch the YouTube of it. I think it will make your imagination run wild!
(( Link to YouTube video ))
In your final appearance on AMC when you reconcile, was this simply a heartfelt reunion hug between Bianca and Reese, or was it in fact Tamara crying tears of joy and relief because Eden promised she'd finally take her away from the bad man?
Totally heartfelt reunion. We’re really that good.
Do you ever brag to your other actor friends about how your combined hotness has caused massive numbers of heterosexual women to turn in their "straight cards"?
I will now!
Follow up -- Has AfterEllen.com ever contacted you in regards to naming an award in your honor?
Nope. That would be freaking awesome, though. The Riegees? Or the Binkys?
As profoundly frakked up as the Bianca and Reese storyline became, did you remain thankful that the physical relationship between the characters was never limited to baking cookies and holding hands in church?
Yes. I think the show was very brave and that it was a sign we’ve made amazing strides. It was really cool to experience first-hand the evolution from practically having to get approval for a peck on the cheek to being able to be totally free physically with one another, just like any hetero couple on the show. I was so happy to be able to tell our love story without physical boundaries.
and our final question:
We know that you both have legions of devoted, loving, faithful fans - have any of them ever done anything that compares to the utter absurdity of PRATT FALLS?
Not even close! I’m telling you I was close to tears when I saw Episode 1. I have never felt so supported in my life. I turned to Andrew and said, “Who are these crazy geniuses?!”
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Add to that the fact that the ever elusive, internet-free Tamara Braun is probably still blissfully unaware of our existence, we think our chances of a response are slim and none.
But will that stop us from trying? Hell no! We're as plucky as any other animated characters out there in the world fighting for truth, justice and a little respect for the Best. Soap. Couple. Ever.
QUESTIONS FOR EDEN:
1) Eden, is filming a scene where a guy, who's supposed to be your brother-in-law, is all up in your junk delivering your baby in the wreckage of a tornado, as awkward as shooting a steamy sex scene with a guy you hardly know or barely like? Wait, have you ever filmed a steamy sex scene with a guy, – ever? Do you think the one steamy sex scene you got with Reese actually counts as steamy considering she was wearing a turtle neck?
2) Eden, now that you've given birth to two fictional children, what would you say is the toughest part about fictional motherhood?
3) Eden, Canadians do it better. Yay or nay?
QUESTIONS FOR TAMARA:
1) Tamara, did you attempt to meet any neurotic, sexually confused, angry, bi-sexual lesbians that you could interview in preparation for your role as Reese? Where do those women hang out? (We want to avoid them at all costs.)
2) Tamara, can you explain the physics behind falling at the perfect angle to hit a glass decantor with your face, thus causing said decanter to shatter and cause both literal and metaphorical blindness?
3) Tamara, in a fight between Sonny Corinthos and Zach Slater, who would pull out the measuring stick first? And by measuring stick we really mean a measuring stick.
QUESTIONS FOR EDEN & TAMARA:
1) Who is your favorite Disney Princess, and why?
2) If Bianca and Reese had had a Jewish wedding, could they have avoided all the subsequent heartache? After all, if Reese had downed a bottle of Manischewitz the night before, as apposed to a bottle of Scotch, the only thing she would have made out with is a bagel with schmeer.
3) We understand that the Emmy Award, which each of you are now the proud recipients of, stands 15.5 inches (39 cm) tall with a base diameter of 7.5 inches (19 cm) and weights 88 oz (5.5 pounds or 2.5 kg). Do you ever wonder what potential injuries might be inflicted if someone hurled an Emmy statue in the general direction of a pirate-shirted producer/head writer? We only ask because we wonder about it obsessively.
4) In your final appearance on AMC when you reconcile, was this simply a heartfelt reunion hug between Bianca and Reese, or was it in fact Tamara crying tears of joy and relief because Eden promised she'd finally take her away from the bad man?
5) Do you ever brag to your other actor friends about how your combined hotness has caused massive numbers of heterosexual women to turn in their "straight cards"?
6) Follow up -- Has AfterEllen ever contacted you in regards to naming an award in your honor?
7) As profoundly frakked up as the Bianca and Reese storyline became, did you remain thankful that the physical relationship between the characters was never limited to baking cookies and holding hands in church?
and our final question:
8) We know that you both have legions of devoted, loving, faithful fans - have any of them ever done anything that compares to the utter absurdity of PRATT FALLS?
Monday, October 26, 2009
Being the creative types that we are, we had to follow the random thought, because random almost always leads to adventure, and we are nothing if not adventurous. Or foolhardy, or suffering from ADD. It all depends on your point of view.
We were discussing our excitement surrounding Reese's imminent arrival in Pine Valley. Which of course led to an expository treatise regarding Miranda's Halloween Costume in the 10/30 episode. We were perplexed -- why is Miranda not all decked out as a Disney Princess? She is the perfect age for Princess-Wear and AMC is on ABC and ABC is wholly owned and operated by the Mouse, so why no tiara for our favorite tyke? So not fair.
The conversation went something like this:
PORTIA: I'm guessing Miranda has multiple Halloween Costumes. One for school. One for the obligatory kids Halloween Party and one for actual Trick-or-Treating purposes.
ELLEN: And one for wearing on an airplane across the Atlantic Ocean.
PORTIA: I suppose it was necessary to have a costume for Miranda in which she had a mask that obscured her face, otherwise how do you justify Bianca not recognizing her own daughter?
ELLEN: Too bad. Seeing Miranda dressed up as a Disney Princess would have been adorable.
PORTIA: Which princess do you think Mimo would have chosen?
ELLEN: I think we can eliminate the obvious contenders: Cinderella & Snow White. Those would have been logical choices when she was younger, but Miranda is too savvy and independent to continue to emulate such weak role models. Adorable as they may be.
PORTIA: Interesting. I think she might go for Jasmine. Jasmine is smart, sassy and the costume is a little bit sexy and, bonus! looks like it would still be comfortable even after consuming your own weight in chocolate.
ELLEN: Pocahontas is out because, even though she was a bona fide Princess, albeit Native American style, part of the Princess appeal is unfettered wealth, conspicuous consumption and pretty shoes.
PORTIA: Good point.
ELLEN: Sleeping Beauty has good hair and the dress is nice, but she's asleep for the better part of the movie --
PORTIA: -- and the whole "Kendall in a Coma" - Sleeping Beauty metaphor is going to quickly become overplayed, so that's not an option.
ELLEN: Now, Mulan is a possible choice. I can totally see Bianca & Reese being ultra PC and supporting Mimo in "color blind casting."
PORTIA: Wow, you've given this a lot of thought, haven't you?
ELLEN: Please! Is there anything I love more then Disney? No. I still watch Beauty and the Beast regularly. (Don't judge!)
PORTIA: Well, as long as we're revealing deep dark secrets, I suppose now is as good a time as any to admit to owning every piece of Little Mermaid paraphernalia in existence.
ELLEN: Ariel comes in a close second. But Belle and I are the same person (minus the animation, anorexia, French village, brawny but dangerous stalker, dancing candelabra and beastly love interest). As a kid my brain told me: we both are brunette (despite what my current animated self looks like), we both have a massive book obsession, and we both have quirky but lovable fathers. See? Obviously the similarities do not end. But the best thing about Belle is she has an Angela Lansbury tea pot. I'm jealous.
PORTIA: That's funny, because I adore Ariel precisely because we are complete opposites. For one thing, she has good hair. I sometimes weep when I dream of the life I could have had if I'd just been born with good hair. And a chest that could fill that seashell bra.
ELLEN: Ariel's got a lot going for her.
PORTIA: The only draw back I can see is that her hunky boyfriend has a slobbery dog.
ELLEN: Obviously Belle & Ariel are the best Disney Princesses because they had the best composer/lyricists - Alan Menken and Howard Ashman. They were golden.
PORTIA: Absolutely. They were gods. RIP Howard Ashman. The world is less shiny without you in it.....
ELLEN: I wonder who Eden Riegel's favorite Disney Princess is?
Extended pause as we each take several sips of red wine.
PORTIA: Eden Riegel IS a Disney Princess! A living, breathing, singing, dancing, sugar coated, dipped in sunshine and rainbows, authentic, 100% genuine Disney Princess.
ELLEN: OMG! You are right. You are undeniably right. How else could Eden make Saint Bianca so believable and lovable and charming, and do it in such a way that you
PORTIA: Tamara Braun touches her. Thank god.
ELLEN: No, I mean -- untouchable, as in "cannot be harmed."
PORTIA: But what about Pratt? He threw her under a bus!!
ELLEN: Yes! But what happened? Two animated characters suddenly appeared out of nowhere and saved her starry ass.
PORTIA: Good point.
ELLEN: Ha! She pretends to be just an ordinary, every day, emmy award winning actress.
PORTIA: We should have known. How did we not know?
ELLEN: She must use her magical powers to disguise her deep inner princessabilities.
PORTIA: So that the common people are not overwhelmed by her awesomeness.
ELLEN: No one suspects the butterfly.
PORTIA: But because we're animated, her true self was revealed to us.
PORTIA: Let's ask her.
ELLEN: Say what?
PORTIA: Sure, why not? Let's tweet her and ask her who her favorite Disney Princess is. Who knows, she might respond. She owes us one.
ELLEN: Well, we can't just ask her THAT. If we're going to try to contact her, we might as well ask her all the things we really want to know.
PORTIA: And Tamara, too! We have to have questions for Tamara!
ELLEN: OK. Let's get on it.
So, that's how the conversation went. We'll share our interview questions next. Then we'll wait to see what kind of response we get!
We're so excited. Are you?
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Thus begins Bianca's milk drinking marathon. Pay close attention to all subsequent scenes involving adult characters having a drink. Poor Bianca is always offered milk. Apparently women who are breastfeeding can't drink anything but milk. Water is a no. Juice is a no. It's all about the dairy. No wonder Bianca goes crazy in the end. Mad Cow Disease.
This episode is a continuation of the "father/daddy/papa" freak show. Another tornado hits and in an attempt to comfort her very calm, well behaved, sound asleep newborn, Bianca coos "We're okay, your Daddy's okay, and your Aunty Kendall will be okay too." Your Other Mom, the Amazing Reese, and Big Sis Miranda -- well, apparently Bianca's not too concerned if they're okay right now or not. GrrrrArrrgghhh.
Moving on-- We get to see Bianca faint. And she faints because --gee, maybe because the absurdity of Kendall undergoing brain surgery by flashlight just registered and because, she's a Kane. They're prone to head injury and fainting spells. No need to worry. They also have Wolverine-esque healing powers.
Time to briefly reiterate once again how repetitively wonderful Reese is for Greenlee's benefit. The Reese List: she's pretty cool, she's amazing, she's a great architect, she's a great Mom to Miranda. When is Bianca going to get around to mentioning that Reese is smoking HOT?
Greenlee, the shrewdest lady in Pine Valley, quickly figures out that Baby Binks is half Cambias spawn. Her reaction is priceless. Obviously Greens has been hanging out with Ryan for too long, because she has totally mastered his signature look. Her face is a study in confusion and horror. And then Greenlee asks what fans everywhere are dying to know: "When? How?"
She is obviously thinking, "Zach and Lesbianca totally did the nasty!" Because of course this is the only way to make babies. Then Bianca forbids Greenlee from sharing this information, which is the equivalent of posting the news on twitter, Facebook and MySpace. Simultaneously.
Let's have a quick look:
Friday, October 23, 2009
Whose Your Daddy?
Remember the October 21st episode where Bianca mentions Miranda's tumultuous birth? Apparently she forgets all about it, because as soon as a helicopter appears, she serenely looks up and says, "Oh my God. A helicopter." The last time Bianca was on a helicopter with her newborn, it crashed, and her baby was stolen. But, no big deal. Therapy heals all. Helicopters are fun! We love helicopters! Pratt Fail. Continuity fail. History fail. FAIL.
Is it just us, or does Bianca pathologically repeat her absolute belief that everything and everybody will be okay because "it has to be." It seems Pratt believes repetition = continuity. Listen, there are no more ardent supporters of Bianca Montgomery than the two of us, but even we don't believe Binks can conjure a miracle big enough to rescue this storyline. And why do we need multiple reminders that "Kendall hates secrets"? Y'know what else she might hate? Her husband's sperm taking up residence in her lesbian sister.
That being said -- Who else loved the Kinks flashback? Raise your hands! The sisters Kane provide some of the best AMC moments of the last decade. Kendall has risked everything for Bianca over the years: fake pregnancy, murder charges, close encounters with the Zarf kind. So it seems only fair that Bianca would keep her new "risky" pregnancy secret, right? Or not. Of course, Kendall ruins the sisterly reunion with her overly enthusiastic question about the baby's father.
What is wrong with the writers on this show? It's one thing to ask about a donor, but the FATHER? There is no father. Bianca's entire personage is a NO-PENIS-ZONE and Kendall knows this. Does anybody refer to Michael Cambias as Miranda's "father"? Are we the only ones having Daddy Issues with this story?
Someday Gabby is going to experience a terrible Star Wars moment.
Zach: Gabrielle, I am your father.
Gabby: No, that's impossible!
Binks: We were drunk!!!
Reese: It was MY fault.
Clearly, we have a few points of contention regarding this episode. So, let us warn you now -- to keep our heads from exploding, we've re-imagined the story of Gabby's birth. We felt these slight changes were necessary in order to justify Bianca's calm reaction to the approaching helicopter. (Hint: Bianca thinks that helicopter is us coming to rescue her.) Unfortunately we can't think of any way to justify Zach being the Baby Daddy or Bianca keeping it a secret from Kendall. Some Pratt Fails are just too enormous to fix.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Lest anyone accuse us of being raging bitches, we are not afraid to call out good writing. The beginning of this episode filled us with hope. Bianca, in labor, looking with fear and trepidation at the clouds, actually recalls an event in her past. Or, let us make that more clear, the writers actually remembered an event in Bianca's past! Yes, Gabby's birth bears certain similarities to Miranda's arrival into the cruel Pine Valley world. Five points Gryffindor for actually giving us, your greedy audience, some continuity and historical background. Of course all of this joy will turn to shit in the next episode, but more on that later.
PORTIA: Watching actresses "give birth" on TV makes me extremely uncomfortable. Just thought I should share that with the universe.
ELLEN: Only Saint Bianca would ask for forgiveness during labor. Seriously, the woman is in excruciating pain, and she looks up with those puppy dog eyes and says, "Zach, can you forgive me for stealing your sperm, getting myself knocked up, and then not speaking to any of my dearest, darlingest family for 7 whole months?" What's a guy like Zach to do? He melts under the Bianca Montgomery charm.
PORTIA: I'm thinking Bianca's "Are you angry with me?" + "I'm so sorry" = another point in her "It Was My Fault" column!
ELLEN: Bianca - 2; World - 0
Most Questionable line of the episode: "No one needs to know. Just you, me and Kendall." Not Reese. No, she doesn't need to know. She thinks Gabby is 50% Kane and 50% rainbows. Unfortunately, the little tyke may be the antichrist, but Reese really doesn't need to know that either. Hell, neither does Erica.
Let's review the "What We Know About Reese" List:
a) She's so amazing (again)
b) She's been so supportive
c) She was the sweetest,
d) most wonderful person.
e) Bianca "really" loves her
f) She's "the real thing" --
PORTIA: As apposed to Zarf who was -- oh, never mind.
ELLEN: Oh gawd, where's the bucket?
Best Lines of the Episode: ( perhaps of the entire Bianca/Reese story arc):
Zach: Have I told you lately how much I adore you?
Bianca: Y'know romancing the lesbian while she's in labor isn't going to help anything.
Zach: That's a good point.
Okay folks, prepare yourselves. We need to talk about the actual birthing scene.
PORTIA: Zach looks like he's watching the greatest Red Wings game ever.
ELLEN: Unfortunately, the game is taking place between Bianca's legs. Did she wedge a TV up there?
This was a graphic birth. Obviously they didn't SHOW anything, but Holy Cannoli, did we hear the details. Zach had to get up in Bianca's "No Penis Zone" and push the baby, and then lift up the umbilical cord. We freely admit to feeling complete solidarity with Zach when Bianca told him he had to push the baby's head back and he squeamishly asked: "I gotta what?!?"
<<insert full body shudder here>> Thank god no one has ever had to rely on either one of us to deliver anything more important than a pizza.
PORTIA: Wouldn't you love to see the Props List for this episode?
1 large pot for boiling water
1 newborn infant, semi-bloody, preferably female
So the baby is born in the midst of a tornado and Zach...lifts it high into the air. There's a lot of lightening. This is no time for the Lion King. Or maybe, it's always a good time for the Lion King? Regardless, Gabby's tears are only the beginning. She weeps for the future. She weeps for her DNA. She weeps for .
Well, watch and tell us what you think!
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Welcome to the 2008/2009 Fiasco Derby! We hope you'll join us for the duration of this wild and wacky re-watch, and in honor of the one-year anniversary of Eden Riegel's return, we have put together a newly edited version of the October 20, 2008 episode. We're working hard to provide excellent commentary, wit and snark with each subsequent episode, so stay tuned!
In the meantime, here is a list of supplies you'll need for our Fiasco Derby:
1 Pencil and/or Pen + paper - you'll want to keep track of each "Pratt Fail" (don't worry, you can't miss them!)
1 Earplugs - sometimes the dialogue gets scary
1 oversize bowl - for vomit/tears
32 boxes of kleenex (see above)
1 straw, preferably the swirly plastic Disney kind
1 bottle of your favorite booze -we suggest skipping the beer and coolers, head straight for the hard stuff. This ain't your grandma's All My Children - no matter how badly we wish it was.
1 phone - So you can call 911 when, five minutes into the first episode, your liver explodes.
Never fear, gentle fans, we will warn you before atrocious dialogue, or scenes of terror and character assassination appear. Remember, drink hard, and drink often.
Hold onto your hats, bad weather coming through...
Ellen & Portia
The 2008/2009 Fiasco Derby has been brought to you by: Wild Turkey, Kentucky's Finest Bourbon, Crown Royal, Fine Canadian Whiskey and the letter "S", which stands for SHIT and STORM (go figure!)
Monday, October 19, 2009
"It Was My Fault"
With the help of the numerous fans who re-capped, re-uploaded, and re-evaluated their lives during the brief bittersweet months of Bianca & Reese's story, we will boldly go where Breese Nation has obsessively gone before.
We hope you'll join us as we over-analyze, hyper-critique, ridicule, praise, bemoan, bitch and celebrate the wondrous and frustrating relationship that was Breese.
Our goal is to re-watch every YouTube clip of Bianca & Reese from Binks' first appearance on October 20, 2008 all the way through to the bitter end ... or until we just can't take it anymore, and we collapse in a fetal position weeping on the floor. Whichever comes first.
Count along as we document the number of times Bianca and/or Reese proclaim some variation of "It was my fault." Who knew when Pratt took over as Producer/Head Writer that his strategy for success would hinge on blaming his failures on others?
Storyline not working? Characters acting uncharacteristically? Plots full of holes? Don't fault the writers! Let Bianca & Reese take the blame. A solution which has a bonus -- it means neither Ryan nor Zach have to apologize for their asinine, douche-bag behavior, ever!
Yes, that tornado Pratt brought us last October was just a thinly veiled metaphor to let us loyal AMC fans know that the winds of change were coming. And, as is so often the case with tornadoes, the force of that wind has caused seemingly trivial things to become deadly projectiles.
Drop by tomorrow and join the fun! We'll save a seat on the couch for you.
Ellen & Portia
Friday, October 16, 2009
O Kendall! My Kendall!
by Ellen & Portia
O Kendall! My Kendall! Your tearful eyes have run;
You once could weather any crack, The days with Zach are done;
But now I hear, with Ryan near, Your glory days are dying,
While Binks left town with Reese around, Mama Kane has stopped trying:
But O Hart! Hart! Hart!
O the character is dead,
Where pod Kendall Hart lies crying,
Grief sex in her bed.
O Kendall! my Kendall! rise up and hear your phone;
Rise up--for you the blackberry does buzz and moan;
For you the fans do weep and mourn -- for you the boards a-crowding;
For you they call, the swaying mass, their eager faces frowning;
Here Kendall, dear sister!
Have you fallen on your head?
Was that coma so sinister?
Is the real Kendall cold and dead?
And, the real poem:
O Captain! My Captain!
by Walt Whitman
O CAPTAIN! my Captain! our fearful trip is done;
The ship has weather’d every rack, the prize we sought is won;
The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting,
While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring:
But O heart! heart! heart!
O the bleeding drops of red,
Where on the deck my Captain lies,
Fallen cold and dead.
O Captain! my Captain! rise up and hear the bells;
Rise up—for you the flag is flung—for you the bugle trills;
For you bouquets and ribbon’d wreaths—for you the shores a-crowding;
For you they call, the swaying mass, their eager faces turning;
Here Captain! dear father!
This arm beneath your head;
It is some dream that on the deck,
You’ve fallen cold and dead.
You can find the rest of the poem here if you want to play along! ;)
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
You can order one from a company called Knoll.
They only cost $4328. Poor Reese didn't get her chair, she got an engagement ring instead. Which we always thought was a little unfair, because we're sure Bianca got a great and absurdly expensive Christmas present even though Reese had just given her a big, fat, gorgeous diamond ring from Milan.
So, we're thinking that this Christmas Bianca should finally get Reese the chair she deserves -- not the Barcelona Chair -- but a chair that more accurately reflects Reese's best qualities. We suggest this chair:
Clearly Vladimir TSESLER used Tamara Braun as inspiration for this design! Wonder if it comes in a nice metallic blue?
Saturday, October 10, 2009
2. Bianca & Kendall accidentally murder Ryan, escape to Berlin where they forsake their lives as caring mothers for the skeezy nightlife at the seedy Kit Kat Klub, until Bianca is rescued by Reese and Kendall is swept off her feet by Herr Schultz, a Jewish fruit vendor wearing a Red Wings Jersey.
3. Bianca & Kendall accidentally murder Ryan, escape to Greenwich Village in NYC where they move into a basement apartment on Christopher Street and begin a new life as sisters Ruth and Eileen Sherwood of Columbus, Ohio. Bianca/Eileen meets Frank/Reese the manager of the local Walgreen's and falls "A Little Bit In Love."
4. Bianca and Kendall accidentally murder Ryan, but before the can get away, Erica finds them and forces the two sisters into a life of show business. Erica wants Kendall to be a star, but after a few years of failed vaudeville gigs, Kendall hits the road with a chorus boy. Although she is devastated, Erica realizes that Bianca has what it takes to make it in the biz. Sadly, by the time Erica comes to this conclusion, vaudeville is dead and she's got to get a gimmick if they want to get ahead. This gimmick? Stripping. In a mind-blowing, ten minute display of Tony worthy effort, Bianca transforms from Kendall's shy, gay kid sister into the world's greatest stripper: Gypsy Binks Lee. Bianca loses her innocense, but gains fame and fortune while Erica can only watch from the shadows, reaching towards the distant spotlight.
5. Bianca and Kendall accidentally murder Ryan and are arrested by Jesse. They spend 19 years in prison, only to be released and skip parole, making them lifelong criminals. Finally, they obtain secret identities and become mayors of Paris, all the while Jesse Hubbard searches. When a French prostitute dies and wills her only daughter to the Sister's Kane, Binks and Kendall adopt the young pauper (who looks freakishly like an eight year old Eden Riegel and likes to sing about castles and clouds). Eventually, Jesse discovers that they really are the criminal Kanes, but a student revolution has began and no one has time to make arrests. Bianca and Kendall climb a barricade, wave a red flag, get shot, sing about getting shot, get shot again, and then die in a spectacular finale surrounded by all the characters Pratt has killed within the last 12 months.
Souvenir Programs & Commemorative T-Shirts for sale in the lobby.
Friday, October 9, 2009
2. Bianca & Kendall accidentally murder Zach, and escape on jet ski's into open water where they are rescued by Reese, taken to the Cayman Islands to work for the Charles Townsend Agency, given stun guns and new identities as Jill, Sabrina & Kelly. Uncle Jack instructs them that henceforth he is to be called only "Bosley."
3. Bianca & Kendall accidentally murder Zach, escape to Europe where Bianca is reunited with Reese and Kendall falls madly in love with Michael Vartan Vaughn. They each take on many different aliases, searching for cryptic algorithms, protein engineering schematics and mascara that doesn't run when you cry, the secrets of which are all to be found in the documents of Renaissance genius, Milo Cambius Giacomo Rambaldi.
4. Bianca and Kendall accidentally murder Zach, but before they are caught, the earth is destroyed by a humanoid race of robots. Escaping to the unknown corners of space with only a handful of Pine Valley refugees, Bianca and Kendall begin wearing two tank tops at once and fight for the survival of humans everywhere. Kendall falls in love with a mental manifestation of the murdered Zach, while Bianca spends most of her time with Reese, the hot shot pilot who seemingly dies in a confusing, Jimi Hendrix-esque, ball of fire. Distraught, Bianca can only take comfort in her half human, half Cambias daughter (who is the future of the human race). A bunch of stuff happens. Things blow up. Fire! Aliens! Frakking! Mary McDonnell! Suddenly, Reese returns only to disappear a short time later because it turns out that all along Reese was a...hell if we know. Bianca and Kendall accidentally murder the mental manifestation of Zach as the Battlestar GaErica blows up. Finally, Bianca and Kendall land in LA with little Mimo, where they breed with the locals and return thousands of years later as...hell if we know. But Reese is still wearing the double tank tops, that much we know.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
1. Bianca & Kendall accidentally murder Ryan, escape through the Chandler Mansion Tunnels, rescue Greenlee and, travel to Paris where they meet up with Reese & the kids, become film auteurs, living a life of privilege and luxury even though they are fugitives, while Uncle Jack pins the murder on Roman Polanski.
2. Bianca and Kendall accidentally murder Ryan and take off on a cross country road trip. Having lost access to Bianca’s trust fund, they decide to rob banks and begin a nationwide crime spree. Eventually, the law finds them and in a bloody spray of bullets, the Kane sisters meet their maker. Luckily, upon arriving at the pearly gates, Bianca discovers that God is in fact a woman and her name is “Reese.”
3. Bianca and Kendall accidentally murder Ryan, escape on the good ship Lesbos, sail the seven seas, kidnap two comely wenches named Reese and Greenlee, fight Cambias pirates, freak natural disasters and the occasional sea monster.
4. Bianca and Kendall accidentally murder Ryan, flee to a deserted island where they build a tree house with the Swiss Family Robinsons and Bianca lives in barefooted bliss with "Her Girl Reese" while Kendall organizes the Robinson Family into working a production line that manufactures coconut based cosmetics.
5. Bianca and Kendall accidentally murder Ryan and take cover as double agents for the U.S. government and infiltrate the Russian military. They run around the country in leather outfits, and seduce man and woman-kind with their fake accents and Kane powers.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
When last we saw Ms. Smythe, she was on a motorcycle, wearing a wedding dress, and flying towards a Connecticut church in the middle of the night/evening/soap equivalent of “it’s dark outside now.” There may have been a lesbian wedding taking place simultaneously, we’re not sure. But we do know that Greenlee had a very important message to deliver before her unfortunate, Kendall-induced, drop off a cliff. This message: OMG! Zach and Reese totally did the nasty, IN CHURCH! Thank you, Ryan Lavery, for the incredible observation.
This entire situation could have been avoided with the following:
Ryan: Greenlee, Zach and Reese were taking part in intimate relations…IN CHURCH!.
Greenlee: For serious?
Ryan: Yah. I totally saw it.
Greenlee: Were they naked?
Greenlee: Were they sober?
Ryan: Reese was shit-faced, that is for sure.
Greenlee: So…you basically made the whole sex thing up.
Ryan: Crème fresh, anyone?
Greenlee will return from her accident, looking fresh as a daisy, only to find Ryan involved with Erica Kane. We love Erica Kane. We love Susan Lucci. We really do not love Erica Kane in a relationship with her grandson’s father. Say that three times to yourself and then grab a bucket. Really, ladies of Pine Valley, what’s the appeal? Why do you insist on jumping the Lavery train every time it’s in town (choo choo).
After much deliberation, midnight chats and booze induced stupors, we have come to this conclusion: Ryan Lavery has a magical penis. His penis is equivalent to Splash Mountain at Disneyland (grab that bucket again). The ladies line up. They all want a ride. What AMC needs is men WHO ARE NOT RYAN LAVERY, and lesbians who ARE BIANCA AND REESE.
In the end, the Greenlee return is all about money. Of course! A mark, a yen, a buck, or a pound! Think about the state of television these days? Jon Gosselin just took $230, 000 from poor, impoverished Kate. Hell, we all know that Kate has millions stashed in her hair, while Jon’s fortune is safe and sound in the butt-crack of a Las Vegas stripper. But, we digress. Greenlee is back. Budig has a job, and we love us some Rebecca Budig. Pratt is still a hack.
E & P
Monday, October 5, 2009
WE assume that if you have arrived at this blog it is because you are already familiar with our YouTube oeuvre and know that we are minor internet celebrities and the self-proclaimed Defenders & Protectors of Eden Riegel & Tamara Braun.
IT is our sincere hope that we can offer you, the former fans of AMC, a place to come and share a laugh, feel solidarity with those who have been betrayed, and heap scorn on the asshats responsible for the destruction of our beloved characters, Bianca & Reese.
Thanks for stopping by, we'll be posting more soon. Remember -
A Fan Without Hope Is A Fan Without Fear!
Ellen & Portia