The gals over at Eden's Official Fan Club have put together an awesome auction to benefit HPP, Homeless Prenatal Program, a wonderful organization in San Francisco that is dedicated to breaking the cycle of childhood poverty.
Eden and a couple of her "friends" have generously donated several items that will be auctioned off to the highest bidder and all proceeds will go to HPP. You can bet we'll be in on the action. We have our eye on the box of condoms signed by the Imaginary Bitches themselves, Catherine and Heather. Hmmm, do you think they signed the box using invisible ink?
Well, color us surprised! We've been nominated for an award. Can you believe it? We can't. And yet it's true! Those sweet, insightful folks over at TV GUIDE CA have deemed us worthy. We're so humbled, we're so honored, we're so shocked.
We think it's quite hysterical that we're nominated along side Imaginary Bitches & Venice! Oh the irony.... And we're pretty sure there's as much of a chance of us winning that award as there is for a hummingbird to fly to the planet Mars with the Washington Monument tied to its tail.
OUTSTANDING WEB SERIES OR SPECIAL Anyone But Me Buppies Diary Of A Single Mom Michael Fairman’s Guiding Light Daytime Emmy Award Tribute (four-minute version) Imaginary Bitches — A Very Special Emmy Bitches Special Pratt Falls Then We Got Help! Y&R’s Kitty — True Soap Story Venice
Check out all of the 2010 Soap Opera Spirit Award Nominations here.
We've been asked by a few folks what we think of the new web seriesVenice and if we'll be shelling out $9.99 to view future episodes. We thought this might be a good time to remind everyone that we are obsessed with Bianca/Reese, not Otalia. Please don't assume we dislike Crystal Chappell or Jessica Leccia. Those gals are swell. It's just that, well, they are not Eden Riegel and Tamara Braun.
We have no intention of trying to talk anyone out of their insane love for Crystal and Jessica, don't you worry. We have lots of sympathy for folks whose lives have been overtaken by an irrational, unrequited love for fictional characters and the actors who portray them.
But, instead of a boring essay type post, let us just share with you how our conversation went as we tried to parse our response:
~~~~~
ELLEN: How are we going to respond to the Venice mania?
PORTIA: I certainly don't want to piss off or alienate any Otalia fans, but, y'know what? I also don't want people trying to talk me out of my Breese obsession just because Venice now exists.
ELLEN: Well, they finally kissed. So, yeah for Otalia fans! I watched without the sound on so I could imagine it was Olivia and Natalia.
PORTIA: What did you imagine them saying?
ELLEN: Olivia mentioned that Natalia tastes like cookies.
PORTIA: Yeh, I didn't need to know that.
ELLEN: Honestly, they could pay ME $9.99 to watch, it wouldn't matter. I don't want Olivia & Nat, I want Bianca & Reese!
PORTIA: I know! I know! I want Breese storming my screen with an overdose of pretty, melting my heart with their maddening love for each other, making "my panties fly off" with their insanely hot eye sex and generally destroying my hope of future heterosexual bliss because of Eden's selfish desire to keep our Straight Cards.
ELLEN: Preach, woman. Down with panties!
PORTIA: It's time to officially declare Tamara Braun the “Queen of Hot Eye Sex.”
ELLEN: I suppose if Eden gets to be a full time Disney Princess, Tamara can be a Queen.
PORTIA: The other problem with watching Venice is -- it kind of makes me feel like I'm cheating on Bianca & Reese and Catherine & Heather. I feel like I should have love for only one lesbian couple and one web series. Fidelity means a lot to me. If I were married to Tiger Woods I would have beaten him to death with a 9 iron and I don't even know what a 9 iron is.
ELLEN: Tiger Woods is a dirty, dirty, cheating, lying asshat. How many strippers did this man have sex with? He needs to shower...and get tested.
PORTIA: He needs the “Karen Silkwood” shower, and even that might not be enough to wash the skank off his sorry ass.
ELLEN: I would never cheat. Cheaters go blind and lose their children by having them whisked away on private jets to fancy Parisian suburbs!
PORTIA: Reese didn't cheat! Please, let's be clear about this. My woman is not a cheater. She was forced into that stupid, drunken kiss before the wedding by crappy writing and it in no way reflected her true character. It was an aberration, an unsubstantiated act of stupidity that Reese cannot, nor should not, be held responsible for --
ELLEN: – much like Bianca asking Zach to be her baby daddy.
PORTIA: Yes! They were equally abhorrent acts created by the Supreme Asshat of all Asshats and by god, the combined heinousness of those actions has forever canceled each other out!
ELLEN: Thus making Bianca & Reese able to truly reconcile and live happily ever after in Breese Fanficdom!
PORTIA: So say we all.
ELLEN: I think Crystal's character on Venice might be a cheater.
PORTIA: Very possibly. But, sadly, I don't care.
ELLEN: Y'know, I think we're just going to have to declare our ambivalence for any and all lesbians who are not Bianca and/or Reese –
PORTIA: -- and reaffirm our dedication to the gals who hold our Straight Cards.
ELLEN: Agreed.
PORTIA: How about a brand new Breese music video to remind everyone of the glorious, beauteous, smoking hotness of Bianca & Reese?
ELLEN: Perfect. I didn't want my Straight Card back anyway.
We find ourselves in a bit of a moral quandary. Caught up in the holiday spirit we created a little parody called: You're A Mean One, Mr. Pratt. You can probably guess what it entails. But we can't decide if we should post it or not.
Our dilemma is this -- the man's been fired. Do we need to keep piling it on? We are at odds on this point and have decided to let you, the fans, decide. Please vote and let us know what you think. And as always, thanks for watching (and reading) Pratt Falls!
Ellen and Portia
PS: VOTING OFFICIALLY CLOSES AT 9pm EST TONIGHT (Nov. 27, 2009)
To borrow and maim a phrase from our favorite veridian reptile, it's not easy being animated. Honestly, we're two lonely gals, named after two really famous lesbians, created by two straight chicks with nothing better to do. It's very rare that a TV series or movie comes along that can really touch the soul, speak to the innermost part(s) of the human psyche, and makes everyone within a 30 mile radius inappropriately horny. Enter Catherine and Heather.
Okay, they're imaginary and we're animated, but technically, our animated status makes us imaginary too! Plus, they're raging bitches and we're raging animated alcoholics! It's a match made in hell!
When we sent Catherine and Heather our interview questions, we feared that they might very well ignore us. That is why we kidnapped Robert Pattinson, covered him in whip cream and strategically placed cherries, and delivered him blindfolded and handcuffed to the very imaginary bed of the Imaginary Bitches. Try ignoring that!
Now, after a few days of waiting, and a letter from Mr. Pattinson's lawyers and a noted psychiatrist, we are proud to present Imaginary Bitches: The Interview.
Warning: The following interview contains nudity, violence, and Battlestar Galactica references. Viewer discretion is advised.
You girls are imaginary, and we're animated. You seem to hate Eden and we adore her. Do you ever fear that if the four of us were in a room together, that the simultaneous wave-like and particle-like behavior of both our matter and radiation would cause us to cancel each other out, thus making us all disappear into a black hole?
CATHERINE - If I had a nickel for everytime someone disappeared into Heather's black hole... HEATHER - I'm not really into astrology. I only watch BSG for the outfits.
What do you think it is about Eden that makes her susceptible to being followed around by both imaginary and animated characters?
CATHERINE - I wish I knew. Because maybe then I could reverse it and finally get a chance to hang out with someone else. Someone who's idea of fun isn't training for a marathon. Sober.
Is Riley really real?
HEATHER - His farts sure are.
We hear there might be an Imaginary Bitches movie and that Anne Hathaway is being talked about for the role of Eden. Who will be cast in your parts?
CATHERINE - There aren't many imaginary actresses with more name value than us. In North America, at least. There are a couple imaginary European actresses that are getting a lot of attention, but no one wants to listen to Eden repeat things in their stupid accents. She doesn't need any more reasons to be bad. HEATHER - And we'd sue the crap out of Andrew if he replaced us. The American Imaginary Civil Liberties Union is dying to get their hands on a high profile law suit.
What if Cameron Diaz and Salma Hayek say no?
HEATHER - Have you seen "The Box"? Cameron Diaz doesn't say no to ANY movie. CATHERINE - Have you see Salma's hips? She doesn't say no to ANY food.
Do you have any plans to show up on Venice Beach and wreak havoc in Crystal Chappell's life?
HEATHER - I am so proud of Crystal. She's my hero. She has achieved so much and given her history, I think she's an inspiration. Very few people ever break out of porn-- CATHERINE (interrupting) - Wait, are you thinking of Crystal Chappelle? With an "e"? The girl you stripped with at the Body Shop? HEATHER - Yeah, she's my hero. I didn't realize she got a new place in Venice. CATHERINE - She still lives in the Valley. And she's still in porn. They're talking about a girl who held hands with another girl on a soap opera and gives a lot of interviews... HEATHER- Ohhhh. Can Crystal with no "e" open a bottle of Champagne with her inner thighs? CATHERINE - Probably. HEATHER - Then she's my hero, too. CATHERINE - Yeah, we haven't been asked to appear on Venice Beach.
Do you know how to get in touch with the ever elusive, internet free, Tamara Braun? If so, will you tell her we had to turn in our Straight Cards because of her?
CATHERINE - It's hard for her. Skinny people are afraid of technology. It's all too heavy for their tiny little arms to lift. HEATHER - So true. I know when I've eating like a pig if I don't strain when I hold my iPhone. I picked up Eden's laptop the other day with ease and immediately started a Master Cleanse.
Who is your favorite Disney Villain?
CATHERINE - Brian Frons.
If you met Chuck Pratt in a dark alley, what might you want to say, or do, to him?
HEATHER - Question... In the alley, is he sobbing quietly to himself, or having a "play date" with a special friend named Lola? CATHERINE - I actually have a lot of respect for Chuck. HEATHER - Question... Is he with Rebecca? In the alley? CATHERINE - Any brain dead moron can take advantage of a talented cast by writing stories and dialogue that play to their strengths. Big deal. HEATHER - Is he going to make me tell him how much more awesome the new Melrose Place would be if he was writing it? CATHERINE - And it doesn't take writing ability to utilize 40 years of a show's backstory to help craft the future. HEATHER - Is he going to ask me to touch his Hammer of Thor? CATHERINE - Chuck isn't lazy. He's worked his ass off to ruin All My Children. It's like they always say, "Creating something great is easy. Destroying something great is hard." The environment? The economy? It's taken decades to wreck that stuff. Chuck's done it in just a couple years. You gotta respect that.
While we wait for Chuck Pratt to respond to our offer to purchase creative control of All My Children, we decided to pursue another idea we've been harboring. We figured that since we had such good luck scoring an interview with Eden we should try getting lucky with the legendary Catherine and Heather of Imaginary Bitches fame. So here goes, we'll let you know if they respond as quickly (and wittily) as Eden did... 1. You girls are imaginary, and we're animated. You seem to hate Eden and we adore her. Do you ever fear that if the four of us were in a room together, that the simultaneous wave-like and particle-like behavior of both our matter and radiation would cause us to cancel each other out, thus making us all disappear into a black hole?
2. What do you think it is about Eden that makes her susceptible to being followed around by both imaginary and animated characters?
3. Is Riley really real?
4. We hear there might be an Imaginary Bitches movie and that Anne Hathaway is being talked about for the role of Eden. Who will be cast in your parts?
5. What if Cameron Diaz and Salma Hayek say no?
6. Do you have any plans to show up on Venice Beach and wreak havoc in Crystal Chappell's life?
7. Do you know how to get in touch with the ever elusive, internet free, Tamara Braun? If so, will you tell her we had to turn in our Straight Cards because of her?
8. Who is your favorite Disney Villain?
9. If you met Chuck Pratt in a dark alley, what might you want to say, or do, to him?
The gals over at Eden's Official Fan Club have put together an awesome auction to benefit HPP, Homeless Prenatal Program, a wonderful organization in San Francisco that is dedicated to breaking the cycle of childhood poverty.
Eden and a couple of her "friends" have generously donated several items that will be auctioned off to the highest bidder and all proceeds will go to HPP. You can bet we'll be in on the action. We have our eye on the box of condoms signed by the Imaginary Bitches themselves, Catherine and Heather. Hmmm, do you think they signed the box using invisible ink?
