It has come to our attention that April 15 is a most important anniversary of numerous dark and terrible historical events. Because we here at Pratt Falls believe that education is the key to success and immense suffering, we’d like to provide you with a most spectacular, anniversary edition of, PRATT FALLS: THE BLOG.
April 15, 1865 – President Abraham Lincoln dies after being shot by John Wilkes Booth. BAD/SAD
April 15, 1912 – In the early hours of April 15, 1912, the Titanic sank, plummeting to the ocean floor where it would sit and wait for James Cameron. COLD/WET
April 15, 2009 – We unleash that Pirate-shirt-wearing, robot-speaking, scruffy looking nerf herder onto the Internet. And Pratt Falls is born. AWESOME/SHOCKING
Today is our one-year anniversary and we couldn’t be more excited! We are so excited that after days and days of discussions we still have no idea how to mark this occasion. We were also incredibly distracted this week and had little time to construct a blog post worthy of this glorious day.
First Dixie Carter died, and Portia insisted on speaking with a Julia Sugarbaker accent for three days.
Then Ellen decided to stalk the twitter account of Shonda Rhimes because, according to Ellen, Rhimes might be the next Chuck Pratt. This is still unconfirmed. We can tell you that the season finale of Grey’s Anatomy will involve fire and a marked lack of subtlety.
Sarah Michelle Geller’s birthday was a 48-hour affair because Portia likes to honor the day by dressing up a hobo in vampire fangs and a cape, following him throughout the night, and staking him just before the sun rises. It’s romantic and creepy and highly illegal.
We were also distracted by Tamara Braun’s upcoming birthday. By “upcoming” we mean APRIL 18. Plus, Tamara Braun is distracting in general.
In light of our numerous distractions, we want to take this time to say a huge thank you! Because we’re never invited to the Emmys, Tonys, Webbys, or Peoples Choice Awards (wtf Queen Latifa?), you get to listen to our thank you speech…RIGHT NOW:
We’d like to thank:
1. The fans! The members of the Breese Board, the BAMmers, the Barfies, Zendall peeps, KISH brothers in arms, ABC folks, DOOL lovers, CBS fangirls. WE THANK YOU! Your endless support, strange midnight tweets, furious indignation and bad-assery has allowed Pratt Falls to survive and thrive. To quote Sue Sylvester, you are engorged with venom and triumph! We do this all for you.
2. Lies! We do this all for Eden Riegel! Eden, thank you for your grace, your class, your hotness, your ability to take the high road so that we can always, always take the low road, your patience, and your willingness to answer any question we ask. On that note, Portia would still like to know who your favorite Disney Princess is, why she is your favorite Disney Princess, how you know she is your favorite Disney Princess, and in a fight between your favorite Disney Princess and Victor Newman, who would win?
3. Tamara Braun. You sexy, saucy, missing in action woman! Thank you for having awesome powers of seduction, magical sex eyes, magical Reese outfits, magical sex everything. Sex. If you come out of hiding we promise to shower you with topical youtube videos and inappropriate questionnaires. Yes, the Internet really is that much fun. Don't believe us? Ask Eden.
4. Andrew Miller! Thank you for your brain, and thanks for letting us talk about Eden in chain mail, a Wonder Woman costume and other fetish apparel. What a swell guy!
5. The soap opera press! Thanks for featuring our little videos, writing articles about our greatness, nominating us for kick ass awards, giving our awards to a stuffed, dead, cat, fighting the good fight, and keeping the love for daytime TV alive! We love each and every one of you. But frak you, Mr. Kitty. Frak you.
6. Thor – for lending us thine hammer. We thank thee, verily.
7. Agnes Nixon – for coming to us in times of trouble, speaking words of wisdom, and letting it be.
8. Brook Nevin – for going over to Eden’s house and taking dirty pictures. Thumb up, Brook!
9. Marvel Comics – thanks for letting us steal your weapons, catchphrases and characters. We’re really sorry about the current state of the Spider-Man franchise, and we hope relaunching the series with Zac fucking Effron will help. Excelsior!
10. Have we mentioned the fans? We need to mention the fans again. THE FANS!
It’s been an amazing year and we can’t wait to see what will happen next! If you see Tamara Braun, tell her to get that magical sexy ass on the internet!