Question #21
for Eden & Chrissie:
Do you love and admire this lady with a fierce and passionate devotion the same way we do?
 | |
| Agnes Nixon, Creator of One Life to Live & All My Children |
# # #
Showing posts with label Agnes Nixon. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Agnes Nixon. Show all posts
Monday, January 9, 2012
Biancapalooza Countdown * Just checking ...
for Eden & Chrissie:
Do you love and admire this lady with a fierce and passionate devotion the same way we do?
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Biancapalooza Countdown * Why, God, Why?!?
Question #8
for Eden & Chrissie & Dan J Kroll
WHY in the name of Agnes Nixon, did not one single writer employed by All My Children ever give us a story where Bianca is the one who is relentlessly, romantically, hopelessly pursued?
Cause, in our humble opinion, it is a glaring omission. And in case nobody besides us ever noticed *ahem* (cough cough) the 2 chicks who have played grown up Bianca are most definitely what a lot of people call "hotties." C'mon! We're just sayin'!
Sorry for the run on sentence. Brain meltdown in progress.....
Sorry for the run on sentence. Brain meltdown in progress.....
# # #
Friday, May 6, 2011
We'll Always Have Paris
Dear Friends,
As many of you have probably noticed, we have been mostly silent throughout the AMC & OLTL
cancellation debacle. We are sure it perplexes you, and perhaps even, pisses you off. Please be assured, it was not an easy decision for us, nor one that was made lightly.
Who knew that when we decided to animate ourselves two years ago and strike a satiric blow against Chuck Pratt and AMC in defense of Eden Riegel that our supercilious silliness would result in instant internet fame! (Fame, but alack, no fortune.) No matter! We did it for love, not money. And we would do it again (indeed, WILL do it again) should Eden (or Tamara or Chrissie) ever be so maligned and mistreated in so shameful a manner by people who should really, know better.
Over the past two years, as we continued our cavalcade of corny jokes, clever quips and unconditional love for the characters of Bianca and Reese and the women who've brought them to life, we've tried hard to evolve and emulate the best qualities of the characters we hold so dear. (In other words, we're hoping to be nicer, kinder, gentler people. AND IT'S FUCKING HARD.)
Ranting and raving and wringing ourselves into knots over the state of affairs at All My Children has not been as satisfying or productive as we'd hoped. And yet, we do not regret for a moment any of the time and effort we have put in to trying to draw attention to the importance and relevance of Bianca Christine Montgomery and her smoking hot wife, Reese. And yet . . .
. . . well, we can only hope that we've made a small bit of difference. We hope that, even though we've been fighting for a lost cause as far as Binks goes, it's not all been wasted time. This is a battle worth fighting. As long as actors get hate mail for portraying gay characters, and same sex marriage is illegal across most of the USA, and legislators write laws proclaiming you can't say gay, then we need to keep fighting. And we will.
Here's the thing. We're not going to continue fighting by creating more videos with the Pirate Shirted Menace or the Bespectacled Bastard. A wise man once said: "If once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will." Ok, Yoda said it. Still, wise words. Are we shallow people if we look to Star Wars for moral advice? We don't think so. Consider this: Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering. Haven't we all suffered enough?
We're committed to turning over a new leaf. Plus, our lives (the actual real ones, not the animated ones) are on the brink of big changes. Unfortunately it is still necessary to protect our true identities, so we can't give you any real details, but we will tell you that these changes involve dramatic (temporary?) re-locations for the both of us, which will result in fun new stamps in our passports!
We're committed to turning over a new leaf. Plus, our lives (the actual real ones, not the animated ones) are on the brink of big changes. Unfortunately it is still necessary to protect our true identities, so we can't give you any real details, but we will tell you that these changes involve dramatic (temporary?) re-locations for the both of us, which will result in fun new stamps in our passports!
Very soon Portia will have to handle being subjected to gelato, pasta, and copious amounts of red wine on a daily basis while risking overexposure to all things Renaissance. Meanwhile Ellen is trying to figure out how she will contend with Medieval mayhem, serious potential for numerous encounters with men in kilts, and a permanent stay at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry (or, at least, a stay down the street from Hogwarts). Still and all, changes that fall into the OMG WTF AM I DOING? category and cause you to reassess and reevaluate your life choices.
In other words, much like Eden and Tamara, we're moving on. Not to other fictional soap towns or to very real motherhood, but fear not! – we aren’t abandoning our post. We'll still keep tweeting and blogging and acting silly. We'll still defend and protect our girls, too. We'll sign petitions, and write letters and make phone calls and express our love for soaps, but we're not going to make anymore sarcastic, scathing, mean-spirited videos. We're going to focus on the love, not the hate. We think Binks would approve.
So in conclusion let us say:
We love soap operas. We particularly love All My Children and especially love the fabulous Kane women and we undeniably adore Bianca. We want her story to go on forever, and we really, really, really want Bianca to get the love and respect she so richly deserves.
We think Agnes Nixon created a masterpiece when she created All My Children, and there's no reason in the world, except corporate greed and laziness, that the show should not be successful for as long as people are still human beings. For as much as people need food and shelter, they need and crave and seek out stories.
Who knows why we are captivated by some stories and not others? Why some characters inspire us and touch our hearts or make us melt into puddles and turn us into lovesick saps?
Did we want to lose our Straight Cards because of Eden and Tamara's ridiculously seductive, outrageously sexy, incredibly poignant, deliciously sweet daily displays of hot eye sex? No, we did not. And yet, we were unable to resist the power of so much pretty. Yes, it's ridiculous, we know that! But isn't it part of the allure and charm of soap operas, that certain characters and couples can have an inexplicable effect on our hearts?
Stories are powerful. Unfortunately the people in control of the stories don't always play fair, or play nice. Sometimes they want to take their ball and go home and count their money.
Instead of railing against the unfairness of it all, or doing our best to publicly shame those we feel are most responsible for this travesty, we have chosen to step back and use the small voice we have to say "Thank you."
Thank you Agnes Nixon for creating Erica Kane and her daughters. For bringing socially relevant stories to daytime tv and making 40 years of life in Pine Valley entertaining, frustrating and heartwarming. Thank you Susan Lucci for coming down from Mount Olympus to bring us the brilliant, gorgeous, complex, delightful dynamo, Erica Kane into our puny little lives.
Thank you Christina Bennett Lind for letting us call you "Chrissie" and keeping Bianca alive and well. You had an impossible task and you stepped in and have played the part with integrity, grace and beauty. You deserve every accolade we can think of to express our gratitude.
Thank you Tamara Braun for being your sweet, smoking hot, dairy free self; for taking on the role of Reese and persevering through the most egregious, flagrant fuckery ever perpetrated against a character, straight or gay. For giving Reese both depth and pathos, and for revealing to us all the astounding sexiness of the world's most gentle, sweet and beloved little lesbian, Bianca Montgomery.
And to Eden Riegel. What can we say that we haven't already said? Thank you for your grace, your kindness, and your generosity. Thank you for sharing your time with us, on television and over twitter. Thank you for watching our ridiculous videos, reading our goofy blog posts and letting us interview you. Thank you for the laughter and tears we’ve shared over the years. You are one in a million. You are better than a Real Life Disney Princess. You are the sweetest human being in the history of human beings. And Blueberry is one lucky kid.
And, of course, we thank you for naming Blueberry after us…
What? “Pellen” is a great name!
Seriously, Eden, thank you for taking the high road, as it gave us the once in a lifetime chance to take the low road, a road that has enriched our lives and brought us so much joy. Not to mention the fun we've had!
And finally, thanks to all of you who have read the blog, watched our videos and followed us on Twitter. Your spirit, strength, and humour have been the greatest gift over these last two years. We hope you will stick with us on the next phase of our Pratt Falls journey!
Much love,
Ellen & Portia
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Letter to Brian Frons
Dear Friends, it has come to our attention that The Powers That Be at AMC are moving towards the Tammy Wynette Solution in regards to Binks' marriage. Yes, the ugly D.I.V.O.R.C.E. word has been uttered.
We're beyond throwing humor at the situation, it's time to put on our frowny faces. We've written a letter to Mr. Frons that we hope each and every one of you will copy and paste into an email, or your very own word document. We hope you will add your own comments. But if you're too lazy for that, PLEASE PLAGIARIZE US. INDEED THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT WE WANT YOU TO DO!!
Now, if only we could get Eden to do a creative reading of this on YouTube, complete with tears and chin quivers, our efforts might get noticed.....
Now, if only we could get Eden to do a creative reading of this on YouTube, complete with tears and chin quivers, our efforts might get noticed.....
###
Date: ____________, 2011
Brian Frons
President of ABC Daytime
ABC, Inc.
2300 Riverside Drive
Burbank , CA 91506
Email: brian.frons@abc.com
Dear Mr. Frons,
Please feel free to share this letter with
___ Julie Hanan Carruthers and
___ Anne Sweeney and
___ Whoever Happens to Be on the Writing Staff of All My Children This Week.
I have read the recent All My Children spoilers regarding Bianca and I am writing to
___ ask you to
I have read the recent All My Children spoilers regarding Bianca and I am writing to
___ ask you to
___ beg you to
___ implore you to
reconsider her filing for a divorce.
I am a
I am a
___ regular
___ occasional
___ reluctant
viewer who has watched All My Children for
___ weeks.
___ months.
___ years.
___ my entire life.
Not that it should matter, but I want you to know that I myself am
Not that it should matter, but I want you to know that I myself am
___ gay.
___ not gay.
___ not sure yet of my sexuality.
I think it is
I think it is
___ important
___ imperative
___ inherently the decent thing to do
that you respect Bianca and Reese's marriage and reconsider this divorce business. In the grand scheme of soap operas, I understand that one divorce is
that you respect Bianca and Reese's marriage and reconsider this divorce business. In the grand scheme of soap operas, I understand that one divorce is
___ inconsequential.
___ trivial.
___ practically a non-event.
But Bianca is a unique case!
Gay marriage is a very important issue in our country. I am sympathetic to the fact that you would like to avoid
But Bianca is a unique case!
Gay marriage is a very important issue in our country. I am sympathetic to the fact that you would like to avoid
___ controversy.
___ hate mail.
___ negative publicity.
___ the wrath of fans.
If this issue wasn't so important to me I wouldn't bother writing to you. But I feel
If this issue wasn't so important to me I wouldn't bother writing to you. But I feel
___ extremely
___ strongly
___ passionately
compelled to share my thoughts with you about Bianca and Reese.
compelled to share my thoughts with you about Bianca and Reese.
Quite honestly, I
___ love Reese.
___ hate Reese.
___ adore Reese.
___ couldn't care less about Reese.
But that's not the point. The point is Bianca is one of the few, positive representations of a gay person on daytime television. With so much of America divided and conflicted over the rights of gay people to marry I believe All My Children has a responsibility to respectfully honor Bianca and Reese's marriage.
I fully understand that you have probably already been contacted by well funded, loud, angry activists who would like to eliminate all portrayals of gay people in the media. Especially positive portrayals. And historically there has hardly been a more positive portrayal of a gay person anywhere on television than that of Erica Kane's daughter, Bianca.
Agnes Nixon knew when she decided that the character of Bianca would come out as gay that she was inviting controversy. She understood that there would be viewers who did not want a gay person to disrupt their enjoyment of their show. She knew that by making Erica Kane's daughter gay she insured that the issue would be a front burner story. And most importantly, Agnes knew that by making Bianca a sympathetic, intelligent, good hearted person she would challenge her viewer's prejudices about homosexuality.
Everyone knows that it is next to impossible to change a person's mind about a deeply held belief by appealing to them with logic, statistics, facts and figures. Ironically this approach almost always backfires. People become more entrenched in their beliefs after being presented with evidence that refutes the validity of their prejudices.
But if you can touch their heart, you can change their mind. Bianca's story touched the hearts of millions of All My Children fans and changed many, many minds. I sincerely ask you to continue to tell Bianca's story with the same compassion and respect that was used when she came out as a teenager, and to honor her marriage with Reese.
I understand that weddings are a dime a dozen on daytime and that writers believe that happy couples are boring couples. But Bianca's wedding to Reese was unlike any other wedding on daytime and their right to marry is still an unresolved controversy in America. Please don't diminish the importance of this event by unceremoniously having Bianca divorce Reese. It is disrespectful and irresponsible.
But that's not the point. The point is Bianca is one of the few, positive representations of a gay person on daytime television. With so much of America divided and conflicted over the rights of gay people to marry I believe All My Children has a responsibility to respectfully honor Bianca and Reese's marriage.
I fully understand that you have probably already been contacted by well funded, loud, angry activists who would like to eliminate all portrayals of gay people in the media. Especially positive portrayals. And historically there has hardly been a more positive portrayal of a gay person anywhere on television than that of Erica Kane's daughter, Bianca.
Agnes Nixon knew when she decided that the character of Bianca would come out as gay that she was inviting controversy. She understood that there would be viewers who did not want a gay person to disrupt their enjoyment of their show. She knew that by making Erica Kane's daughter gay she insured that the issue would be a front burner story. And most importantly, Agnes knew that by making Bianca a sympathetic, intelligent, good hearted person she would challenge her viewer's prejudices about homosexuality.
Everyone knows that it is next to impossible to change a person's mind about a deeply held belief by appealing to them with logic, statistics, facts and figures. Ironically this approach almost always backfires. People become more entrenched in their beliefs after being presented with evidence that refutes the validity of their prejudices.
But if you can touch their heart, you can change their mind. Bianca's story touched the hearts of millions of All My Children fans and changed many, many minds. I sincerely ask you to continue to tell Bianca's story with the same compassion and respect that was used when she came out as a teenager, and to honor her marriage with Reese.
I understand that weddings are a dime a dozen on daytime and that writers believe that happy couples are boring couples. But Bianca's wedding to Reese was unlike any other wedding on daytime and their right to marry is still an unresolved controversy in America. Please don't diminish the importance of this event by unceremoniously having Bianca divorce Reese. It is disrespectful and irresponsible.
And finally I ask that you remember that by honoring Bianca's marriage you have the opportunity and the power to change even more hearts.
Thank you,
Thank you,
________________________________________________
A thoughtful viewer with a fully functional remote control.
###
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Unsolicited Feedback
We found a wonderful website called The Bureau of Communication and we wanted to alert all of you so that you can take advantage of this wonderful service!
We know, because we listened to the Tune In Tomorrow podcast on Blog Talk Radio, that the Powers That Be in Daytime Soaps don't pay any attention to what soap fans on the internet have to say. Apparently, they think we're all insane. What do they expect from people who watch their shows? The insanity is contagious.
Anyways . . . we just thought it was time to provide Unsolicited Feedback and the Airing of Grievances in a more formal manner. So we're going to print high quality copies of our Official Forms and send them to ABC.
We encourage you to visit the The Bureau of Communication website and use whichever forms suit your purposes (they have lots!) and send them to whomever you feel deserves it.
We know, because we listened to the Tune In Tomorrow podcast on Blog Talk Radio, that the Powers That Be in Daytime Soaps don't pay any attention to what soap fans on the internet have to say. Apparently, they think we're all insane. What do they expect from people who watch their shows? The insanity is contagious.
Anyways . . . we just thought it was time to provide Unsolicited Feedback and the Airing of Grievances in a more formal manner. So we're going to print high quality copies of our Official Forms and send them to ABC.
We encourage you to visit the The Bureau of Communication website and use whichever forms suit your purposes (they have lots!) and send them to whomever you feel deserves it.
***
###
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Monumental Mythic Musings
Please let the title of this post serve as a warning to you, dear reader, that deep philosophical, sorta-pseudo metaphysical Joycean-style Joseph Campbell induced ramblings are on the way. We'll spare you any sort of attempt to justify this exchange. We're an odd pair of chicks who delight in over-analyzing our Bianca/Eden/Tamara/Reese obsession. We include it here for your amusement. As always, feel free to comment....
PORTIA: What are you doing?
ELLEN: Nothing, what are you doing?
PORTIA: Having a philosophical crisis.
ELLEN: Actually, I'm contemplating eating this bag of M&Ms while my brain degenerates into post-thesis mush.
PORTIA: Why would you contemplate eating M&Ms? Just eat them for god's sake.
ELLEN: Would the Loathly Lady eat M&Ms if offered to her?
PORTIA: Unless you & the Loathly Lady are planning to get into bikinis this weekend there is no good reason NOT to eat the M&Ms.
ELLEN: Good point.
PORTIA: Ok, can we talk about my crisis now?
ELLEN: Proceed.
PORTIA: I think I have a new theory on why I might be Bianca/Eden obsessed.
ELLEN: Might be?
PORTIA: Ok, fine. I can own it. I am obsessed. But I think I have figured out why. Finally.
ELLEN: Ok, what is it?
PORTIA: Well, you're aware that I do like me some serious mythology and am deeply interested in philosophy and frighteningly prone to over-analyzing stories that interest me.
ELLEN: And it's just one of the many reasons why I love you.
PORTIA: Sarcasm aside, Miss I Have A Masters Thesis in Medieval Literature, I have come to a very profound insight about our dear, beloved Bianca.
ELLEN: Does our dear, beloved Bianca even exist anymore? Now that she's not Eden, or Eden is not Bianca? And Bianca is without Reese? I mean, the new chick is fine. She seems to be a lovely person and a very good, competent actor, but...
PORTIA: She's not Eden. I know. . . but CBL is not what I want to talk about right now.
ELLEN: Ok, what is this blinding, profound insight?
PORTIA: Well, I am reading these two Joseph Campbell books --
ELLEN: Simultaneously?
PORTIA: Yes. Do you have a problem with that?
ELLEN: No.
PORTIA: Yes you do. You think it's weird.
ELLEN: No I don't.
PORTIA: Look at you! You're eating the M&Ms color by color.
ELLEN: So? I like to be organized.
PORTIA: Whatever. According to Joe, --
ELLEN: Are you on a first name basis now?
PORTIA: As a matter of fact, yes. According to Joe, the first function of mythology is "reconciliation" of the brutality of life with a gratitude for the sweetness of life.
ELLEN: Bianca knows about the brutality of life.
PORTIA: I know! Right? And, civilization's first mythologies affirm that even though life is full of "bitterness and pain" at it's core, our primary experience of life is sweetness.
ELLEN: My primary experience of life right now is sweetness, but I think it has more to do with gratitude for the M&Ms than with primitive mythology.
PORTIA: C'mon! This is important. Seriously, I can't overstate how significant I think this is!! -- The first mythologies were ones of affirmation of life. Reconciling the brutality and bitterness with the ultimate sweetness. Now if that is not the very heart and soul of Bianca Christine Montgomery's character, I don't know what is!!
ELLEN: Well, it's true, everything in Bianca's history is proof that the poor girl has suffered plenty.
PORTIA: And through it all she remained a good, life affirming person.
ELLEN: Ok, but ... this isn't exactly a news flash. We've always known Bianca is practically a saint. I mean, she did give birth to the Messiah, Little Mimo. And did you notice, the NuMimo looks exactly like Eden at age 7, which I think is weird. But whatever, at least Bianca has her babies back.
PORTIA: Focus Ellen, focus! Think about Bianca in mythic terms, and consider all that she has suffered and how she always, ALWAYS stays a good person! A "life-affirming" person! I'm convinced it has raised the level of the character to mythic standing.
ELLEN: Ooooh, I see what you mean. Do you think Agnes ever read Joseph Campbell?
PORTIA: Who knows. But, you know, merely writing a character with this quality is not enough. Having Bianca be played by an actor that physically, emotionally and intellectually projects the same sentiment is what is critical.
ELLEN: AMC had no idea how lucky there were. Finding Eden for Bianca was catching lightening in a bottle. It doesn't matter how talented a recast is, or whether the writers are able to come up with something moving and brilliant, Bianca without Eden is not Bianca. You've actually put your finger on why this is true.
PORTIA: It's not as simple as "we love Eden because she's so sweet and fun and cute!" Bianca + Eden = MONUMENTAL MYTHIC MAGIC.
ELLEN: Ok, you might have a propensity to overstate things a wee bit. Poor CBL, I wonder if she knew she was stepping into mythic shoes? And it's so true, that no matter what life, or Pratt, has thrown at Eden, she seems to respond with complete and utter kindness and a belief that the world is ultimately good. Just like Bianca does.
PORTIA: Yes! And in this day and age, when so many people are so deeply bitter and negative about EVERYTHING, it's refreshing and reassuring to see people, real and fictional, who still believe in the sweetness of life.
ELLEN: Uh, yeah, so, what makes this a philosophical crisis?
PORTIA: Well, there's more! You know the whole "follow your bliss" stuff, right?
ELLEN: Whatever the frak that means.
PORTIA: According to Joe "bliss" is "that deep sense of being present, of doing what you absolutely must do to be yourself." Again -- Hello Bianca!! Her coming out story is all about doing what you absolutely must do to be yourself.
ELLEN: And if Pratt hadn't ruined it, we might also have gotten to see Reese live out that kind of story.
PORTIA: GrrrrrArrrggghhhh.
ELLEN: That asshat's fuckery not only deprived us of the hottest lesbian eye sex on television, he damn near destroyed a mythic character!! I had no idea I could despise him more deeply than I already did but I think I do.
PORTIA: And may I just add, on the subject of Reese, I think one reason Reese is so important to the Bianca story is that her love for Bianca --hot eye sex being just one major indicator-- is proof of Bianca's wisdom in believing in the sweetness of life.
ELLEN: If there is anything sweeter than those two together with Miranda and their ill-begotten baby Gaby, I don't know what it is.
PORTIA: Good ole Joe also said that "the first function of mythology is to evoke in the individual a sense of grateful, affirmative awe before the monstrous mystery that is existence."
ELLEN: That's deep. And All My Children is frequently a monstrous mystery.
PORTIA: Somehow, someway, despite what was written for their characters, Eden and Tamara created a bond between Bianca & Reese that is indestructible and indescribably sweet. I mean, their wedding vows, for example, were so beautiful, and despite having to watch Greenlee drive herself off a cliff during their wedding ceremony, I felt full of that "grateful, affirmative awe."
ELLEN: Ah ha! So this is why you made all those sappy music videos.
PORTIA: Goddamnit! I WANT THEM BACK ON MY TV TOGETHER NOW AND FOREVER. Because while the rest of the world sucks donkeyballs those two made me believe in "the sweetness of life."
ELLEN: And that there is your crisis. I completely understand.
PORTIA: I knew you would.
ELLEN: Have some M&Ms.
PORTIA: What are you doing?
ELLEN: Nothing, what are you doing?
PORTIA: Having a philosophical crisis.
ELLEN: Actually, I'm contemplating eating this bag of M&Ms while my brain degenerates into post-thesis mush.
PORTIA: Why would you contemplate eating M&Ms? Just eat them for god's sake.
ELLEN: Would the Loathly Lady eat M&Ms if offered to her?
PORTIA: Unless you & the Loathly Lady are planning to get into bikinis this weekend there is no good reason NOT to eat the M&Ms.
ELLEN: Good point.
PORTIA: Ok, can we talk about my crisis now?
ELLEN: Proceed.
PORTIA: I think I have a new theory on why I might be Bianca/Eden obsessed.
ELLEN: Might be?
PORTIA: Ok, fine. I can own it. I am obsessed. But I think I have figured out why. Finally.
ELLEN: Ok, what is it?
PORTIA: Well, you're aware that I do like me some serious mythology and am deeply interested in philosophy and frighteningly prone to over-analyzing stories that interest me.
ELLEN: And it's just one of the many reasons why I love you.
PORTIA: Sarcasm aside, Miss I Have A Masters Thesis in Medieval Literature, I have come to a very profound insight about our dear, beloved Bianca.
ELLEN: Does our dear, beloved Bianca even exist anymore? Now that she's not Eden, or Eden is not Bianca? And Bianca is without Reese? I mean, the new chick is fine. She seems to be a lovely person and a very good, competent actor, but...
PORTIA: She's not Eden. I know. . . but CBL is not what I want to talk about right now.
ELLEN: Ok, what is this blinding, profound insight?
PORTIA: Well, I am reading these two Joseph Campbell books --
ELLEN: Simultaneously?
PORTIA: Yes. Do you have a problem with that?
ELLEN: No.
PORTIA: Yes you do. You think it's weird.
ELLEN: No I don't.
PORTIA: Look at you! You're eating the M&Ms color by color.
ELLEN: So? I like to be organized.
PORTIA: Whatever. According to Joe, --
ELLEN: Are you on a first name basis now?
PORTIA: As a matter of fact, yes. According to Joe, the first function of mythology is "reconciliation" of the brutality of life with a gratitude for the sweetness of life.
ELLEN: Bianca knows about the brutality of life.
PORTIA: I know! Right? And, civilization's first mythologies affirm that even though life is full of "bitterness and pain" at it's core, our primary experience of life is sweetness.
ELLEN: My primary experience of life right now is sweetness, but I think it has more to do with gratitude for the M&Ms than with primitive mythology.
PORTIA: C'mon! This is important. Seriously, I can't overstate how significant I think this is!! -- The first mythologies were ones of affirmation of life. Reconciling the brutality and bitterness with the ultimate sweetness. Now if that is not the very heart and soul of Bianca Christine Montgomery's character, I don't know what is!!
ELLEN: Well, it's true, everything in Bianca's history is proof that the poor girl has suffered plenty.
PORTIA: And through it all she remained a good, life affirming person.
ELLEN: Ok, but ... this isn't exactly a news flash. We've always known Bianca is practically a saint. I mean, she did give birth to the Messiah, Little Mimo. And did you notice, the NuMimo looks exactly like Eden at age 7, which I think is weird. But whatever, at least Bianca has her babies back.
PORTIA: Focus Ellen, focus! Think about Bianca in mythic terms, and consider all that she has suffered and how she always, ALWAYS stays a good person! A "life-affirming" person! I'm convinced it has raised the level of the character to mythic standing.
ELLEN: Ooooh, I see what you mean. Do you think Agnes ever read Joseph Campbell?
PORTIA: Who knows. But, you know, merely writing a character with this quality is not enough. Having Bianca be played by an actor that physically, emotionally and intellectually projects the same sentiment is what is critical.
ELLEN: AMC had no idea how lucky there were. Finding Eden for Bianca was catching lightening in a bottle. It doesn't matter how talented a recast is, or whether the writers are able to come up with something moving and brilliant, Bianca without Eden is not Bianca. You've actually put your finger on why this is true.
PORTIA: It's not as simple as "we love Eden because she's so sweet and fun and cute!" Bianca + Eden = MONUMENTAL MYTHIC MAGIC.
ELLEN: Ok, you might have a propensity to overstate things a wee bit. Poor CBL, I wonder if she knew she was stepping into mythic shoes? And it's so true, that no matter what life, or Pratt, has thrown at Eden, she seems to respond with complete and utter kindness and a belief that the world is ultimately good. Just like Bianca does.
PORTIA: Yes! And in this day and age, when so many people are so deeply bitter and negative about EVERYTHING, it's refreshing and reassuring to see people, real and fictional, who still believe in the sweetness of life.
ELLEN: Uh, yeah, so, what makes this a philosophical crisis?
PORTIA: Well, there's more! You know the whole "follow your bliss" stuff, right?
ELLEN: Whatever the frak that means.
PORTIA: According to Joe "bliss" is "that deep sense of being present, of doing what you absolutely must do to be yourself." Again -- Hello Bianca!! Her coming out story is all about doing what you absolutely must do to be yourself.
ELLEN: And if Pratt hadn't ruined it, we might also have gotten to see Reese live out that kind of story.
PORTIA: GrrrrrArrrggghhhh.
ELLEN: That asshat's fuckery not only deprived us of the hottest lesbian eye sex on television, he damn near destroyed a mythic character!! I had no idea I could despise him more deeply than I already did but I think I do.
PORTIA: And may I just add, on the subject of Reese, I think one reason Reese is so important to the Bianca story is that her love for Bianca --hot eye sex being just one major indicator-- is proof of Bianca's wisdom in believing in the sweetness of life.
ELLEN: If there is anything sweeter than those two together with Miranda and their ill-begotten baby Gaby, I don't know what it is.
PORTIA: Good ole Joe also said that "the first function of mythology is to evoke in the individual a sense of grateful, affirmative awe before the monstrous mystery that is existence."
ELLEN: That's deep. And All My Children is frequently a monstrous mystery.
PORTIA: Somehow, someway, despite what was written for their characters, Eden and Tamara created a bond between Bianca & Reese that is indestructible and indescribably sweet. I mean, their wedding vows, for example, were so beautiful, and despite having to watch Greenlee drive herself off a cliff during their wedding ceremony, I felt full of that "grateful, affirmative awe."
ELLEN: Ah ha! So this is why you made all those sappy music videos.
PORTIA: Goddamnit! I WANT THEM BACK ON MY TV TOGETHER NOW AND FOREVER. Because while the rest of the world sucks donkeyballs those two made me believe in "the sweetness of life."
ELLEN: And that there is your crisis. I completely understand.
PORTIA: I knew you would.
ELLEN: Have some M&Ms.
###
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Today In History...
It has come to our attention that April 15 is a most important anniversary of numerous dark and terrible historical events. Because we here at Pratt Falls believe that education is the key to success and immense suffering, we’d like to provide you with a most spectacular, anniversary edition of, PRATT FALLS: THE BLOG.
April 15, 1865 – President Abraham Lincoln dies after being shot by John Wilkes Booth. BAD/SAD
April 15, 1912 – In the early hours of April 15, 1912, the Titanic sank, plummeting to the ocean floor where it would sit and wait for James Cameron. COLD/WET
April 15, 2009 – We unleash that Pirate-shirt-wearing, robot-speaking, scruffy looking nerf herder onto the Internet. And Pratt Falls is born. AWESOME/SHOCKING
Today is our one-year anniversary and we couldn’t be more excited! We are so excited that after days and days of discussions we still have no idea how to mark this occasion. We were also incredibly distracted this week and had little time to construct a blog post worthy of this glorious day.
First Dixie Carter died, and Portia insisted on speaking with a Julia Sugarbaker accent for three days.
Then Ellen decided to stalk the twitter account of Shonda Rhimes because, according to Ellen, Rhimes might be the next Chuck Pratt. This is still unconfirmed. We can tell you that the season finale of Grey’s Anatomy will involve fire and a marked lack of subtlety.
Sarah Michelle Geller’s birthday was a 48-hour affair because Portia likes to honor the day by dressing up a hobo in vampire fangs and a cape, following him throughout the night, and staking him just before the sun rises. It’s romantic and creepy and highly illegal.
We were also distracted by Tamara Braun’s upcoming birthday. By “upcoming” we mean APRIL 18. Plus, Tamara Braun is distracting in general.
In light of our numerous distractions, we want to take this time to say a huge thank you! Because we’re never invited to the Emmys, Tonys, Webbys, or Peoples Choice Awards (wtf Queen Latifa?), you get to listen to our thank you speech…RIGHT NOW:
We’d like to thank:
1. The fans! The members of the Breese Board, the BAMmers, the Barfies, Zendall peeps, KISH brothers in arms, ABC folks, DOOL lovers, CBS fangirls. WE THANK YOU! Your endless support, strange midnight tweets, furious indignation and bad-assery has allowed Pratt Falls to survive and thrive. To quote Sue Sylvester, you are engorged with venom and triumph! We do this all for you.
2. Lies! We do this all for Eden Riegel! Eden, thank you for your grace, your class, your hotness, your ability to take the high road so that we can always, always take the low road, your patience, and your willingness to answer any question we ask. On that note, Portia would still like to know who your favorite Disney Princess is, why she is your favorite Disney Princess, how you know she is your favorite Disney Princess, and in a fight between your favorite Disney Princess and Victor Newman, who would win?
3. Tamara Braun. You sexy, saucy, missing in action woman! Thank you for having awesome powers of seduction, magical sex eyes, magical Reese outfits, magical sex everything. Sex. If you come out of hiding we promise to shower you with topical youtube videos and inappropriate questionnaires. Yes, the Internet really is that much fun. Don't believe us? Ask Eden.
4. Andrew Miller! Thank you for your brain, and thanks for letting us talk about Eden in chain mail, a Wonder Woman costume and other fetish apparel. What a swell guy!
5. The soap opera press! Thanks for featuring our little videos, writing articles about our greatness, nominating us for kick ass awards, giving our awards to a stuffed, dead, cat, fighting the good fight, and keeping the love for daytime TV alive! We love each and every one of you. But frak you, Mr. Kitty. Frak you.
6. Thor – for lending us thine hammer. We thank thee, verily.
7. Agnes Nixon – for coming to us in times of trouble, speaking words of wisdom, and letting it be.
8. Brook Nevin – for going over to Eden’s house and taking dirty pictures. Thumb up, Brook!
9. Marvel Comics – thanks for letting us steal your weapons, catchphrases and characters. We’re really sorry about the current state of the Spider-Man franchise, and we hope relaunching the series with Zac fucking Effron will help. Excelsior!
10. Have we mentioned the fans? We need to mention the fans again. THE FANS!
It’s been an amazing year and we can’t wait to see what will happen next! If you see Tamara Braun, tell her to get that magical sexy ass on the internet!
See you in Genoa City!
E & P
April 15, 1865 – President Abraham Lincoln dies after being shot by John Wilkes Booth. BAD/SAD
April 15, 1912 – In the early hours of April 15, 1912, the Titanic sank, plummeting to the ocean floor where it would sit and wait for James Cameron. COLD/WET
April 15, 2009 – We unleash that Pirate-shirt-wearing, robot-speaking, scruffy looking nerf herder onto the Internet. And Pratt Falls is born. AWESOME/SHOCKING
Today is our one-year anniversary and we couldn’t be more excited! We are so excited that after days and days of discussions we still have no idea how to mark this occasion. We were also incredibly distracted this week and had little time to construct a blog post worthy of this glorious day.
First Dixie Carter died, and Portia insisted on speaking with a Julia Sugarbaker accent for three days.
Then Ellen decided to stalk the twitter account of Shonda Rhimes because, according to Ellen, Rhimes might be the next Chuck Pratt. This is still unconfirmed. We can tell you that the season finale of Grey’s Anatomy will involve fire and a marked lack of subtlety.
Sarah Michelle Geller’s birthday was a 48-hour affair because Portia likes to honor the day by dressing up a hobo in vampire fangs and a cape, following him throughout the night, and staking him just before the sun rises. It’s romantic and creepy and highly illegal.
We were also distracted by Tamara Braun’s upcoming birthday. By “upcoming” we mean APRIL 18. Plus, Tamara Braun is distracting in general.
In light of our numerous distractions, we want to take this time to say a huge thank you! Because we’re never invited to the Emmys, Tonys, Webbys, or Peoples Choice Awards (wtf Queen Latifa?), you get to listen to our thank you speech…RIGHT NOW:
We’d like to thank:
1. The fans! The members of the Breese Board, the BAMmers, the Barfies, Zendall peeps, KISH brothers in arms, ABC folks, DOOL lovers, CBS fangirls. WE THANK YOU! Your endless support, strange midnight tweets, furious indignation and bad-assery has allowed Pratt Falls to survive and thrive. To quote Sue Sylvester, you are engorged with venom and triumph! We do this all for you.
2. Lies! We do this all for Eden Riegel! Eden, thank you for your grace, your class, your hotness, your ability to take the high road so that we can always, always take the low road, your patience, and your willingness to answer any question we ask. On that note, Portia would still like to know who your favorite Disney Princess is, why she is your favorite Disney Princess, how you know she is your favorite Disney Princess, and in a fight between your favorite Disney Princess and Victor Newman, who would win?
3. Tamara Braun. You sexy, saucy, missing in action woman! Thank you for having awesome powers of seduction, magical sex eyes, magical Reese outfits, magical sex everything. Sex. If you come out of hiding we promise to shower you with topical youtube videos and inappropriate questionnaires. Yes, the Internet really is that much fun. Don't believe us? Ask Eden.
4. Andrew Miller! Thank you for your brain, and thanks for letting us talk about Eden in chain mail, a Wonder Woman costume and other fetish apparel. What a swell guy!
5. The soap opera press! Thanks for featuring our little videos, writing articles about our greatness, nominating us for kick ass awards, giving our awards to a stuffed, dead, cat, fighting the good fight, and keeping the love for daytime TV alive! We love each and every one of you. But frak you, Mr. Kitty. Frak you.
6. Thor – for lending us thine hammer. We thank thee, verily.
7. Agnes Nixon – for coming to us in times of trouble, speaking words of wisdom, and letting it be.
8. Brook Nevin – for going over to Eden’s house and taking dirty pictures. Thumb up, Brook!
9. Marvel Comics – thanks for letting us steal your weapons, catchphrases and characters. We’re really sorry about the current state of the Spider-Man franchise, and we hope relaunching the series with Zac fucking Effron will help. Excelsior!
10. Have we mentioned the fans? We need to mention the fans again. THE FANS!
It’s been an amazing year and we can’t wait to see what will happen next! If you see Tamara Braun, tell her to get that magical sexy ass on the internet!
See you in Genoa City!
E & P
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Oh, ABC, how you disappoint us!
We don't even watch One Life to Live, but we know what it feels like to fall in love with a gay couple and then have that couple, and the actors who portray them, thrown under a bus. It just ain't right. Poor Agnes Nixon, she must cry herself to sleep at night. She tried to tell stories that were sensitive and socially conscious. Soaps nowadays being socially conscious? Yeah, not so much.
Perhaps the PTB at ABC don't think too many viewers will really care that they are planning to shove Kish back in the closet, or that Bianca is stranded in Paris with her smoking hot wife, Reese. (Our greatest fear is that Bianca returns totally neutered. Neither straight nor gay. Poor Reese! What will become of her?) Well, in the words of the Dude, "I do mind, the Dude minds. This will not stand, ya know, this aggression will not stand, man."
Visit http://www.savekish.com to find out how you can help.
###
Perhaps the PTB at ABC don't think too many viewers will really care that they are planning to shove Kish back in the closet, or that Bianca is stranded in Paris with her smoking hot wife, Reese. (Our greatest fear is that Bianca returns totally neutered. Neither straight nor gay. Poor Reese! What will become of her?) Well, in the words of the Dude, "I do mind, the Dude minds. This will not stand, ya know, this aggression will not stand, man."
Oh ABC, won't you ever learn? A fan without hope is a fan without fear - even if the fan is not technically a fan, but a fan of the fan community full of fans.
Visit http://www.savekish.com to find out how you can help.
###
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