Thursday, November 25, 2010

The Official Thanksgiving Post

As so often happens, our plans did not turn out as planned. But we wanted to do a kick ass, gratitude busting post for you.  We just couldn't quite agree on what that would be exactly.  So, in the interest of sharing with you the inner workings of our little blog, here is a transcript of our discussion about an Official Thanksgiving Post.

* * *

PORTIA: Should we do a Thanksgiving post on what we are thankful for?

ELLEN: Sure, why not?

PORTIA: Ok, let's make a list.

ELLEN: #1 - I am grateful for Soap Opera Characters Who Stay Dead.

PORTIA: Can you name one? Besides a character that was 80 years old, played by an actor who was 90 years old and who died in real life and is for real not coming back, even in a dream sequence, because they are, realio trulio dead?

ELLEN: What's your point?

PORTIA: Never mind. What else?

ELLEN: Dobby the House Elf.

PORTIA: Shut up! I haven't seen Deathly Hallows yet!!

ELLEN: Diet Coke.

PORTIA: You are a deeply shallow person, you know that?

ELLEN: Alicia Minshew's hair.

PORTIA: Finally! We agree on something. She has the most awesome head of hair on the planet. It's phenomenal. If we are ever in the same room as Alicia Minshew, promise me you will not let me embarrass myself by trying to touch her hair, because I'm not sure I could resist the temptation.

ELLEN: No worries. You are never going to be in a room with Alicia Minshew and her Awesome Head of Curls.

PORTIA: Why not? It could happen!

ELLEN: Keep dreaming, it's pathetic, but sweet.

PORTIA: Alicia might walk in to the same restaurant where Tamara and I are enjoying a glass of Pinot Noir and a fine cheese platter. And Tam would graciously invite her over to our table.  It could totally happen.

ELLEN: Have you seen the latest photo of Tam?  Unlike you, she is not a woman who has a close personal relationship with dairy products.

PORTIA: You may say that I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.

ELLEN: I am very close to insisting you get professional help.

PORTIA: You think I need help? ME? You're the one who spent 2 days polishing your Ninja Turtle Collection because you plan on bequeathing it to Eden's baby boy. Like she wants your old, disgusting Ninja Turtle toys for her son. Please!

ELLEN: They are in mint condition!

PORTIA: Yeah. Ok, April O'Neil, keep telling yourself that.

ELLEN: Can we finish this list, already? I have things to do.

PORTIA: Well, obviously we need to include our utter gratitude for Chrissie. The Bianca recast was fraught with potential disaster.

ELLEN: So true.

PORTIA: And yet she's been terrific as Bianca.

ELLEN: She would be even more terrific if she ever got an actual storyline.

PORTIA: When are they going to give that girl a chance to show her stuff? She must be chomping at the bit waiting for an opportunity to unleash her hidden Bianca powers.

ELLEN: I bet she's so disappointed at not getting any hot eye sex after 6 months. It's so unfair.

PORTIA: We've tried our best! D & D clearly are unaware of, or are unimpressed by, our thinly veiled threats.

ELLEN: They have no compassion for the havoc they're causing in the Forest of Marginalized Gay Folk. None.

PORTIA: How hard can it be to recast Reese?

ELLEN: All they need is a skinny blond actress with sexy eyes.

PORTIA: You could throw a rock in LA and hit 10 skinny blond actresses without even trying!

ELLEN: Poor Binks.

PORTIA: Poor Chrissie.

ELLEN: Poor us.

PORTIA: GrrrrArrgghhh!

ELLEN: Great now I'm pissed and we're supposed to be talking about what we're grateful for.

PORTIA: You know what? Fuck it.  If Eden and Tam and Chrissie don't know how much we love and adore them by now, they never will. And we don't do what we do for their love and support anyway. We do it because . . . . . .

ELLEN:  Because . . . ?

PORTIA:  Yeah . . . why do we keep doing this?

ELLEN:  Because . . .

PORTIA: . . . Martha would miss us if we stopped.

ELLEN: Definitely, she would.

PORTIA: And, it's an awesome coping mechanism.

ELLEN: So true. Wielding the Hammer at the constant fuckery feels liberating and powerful, even if it's all imaginary.

PORTIA: And we laugh at lot.

ELLEN: We do!

PORTIA: I am so very grateful for that.

ELLEN: Me too. And I thank you.

PORTIA: You're very welcome. I thank you too.

ELLEN: Can we eat pie now?

PORTIA: Wait!! I thought of some one else to add to the list!


PORTIA: Chrishell!


PORTIA: Are you joking me? Why?! Because she totally agreed to pitch a story to D & D about how, when Reese finally returns, Amanda makes a play for her.

ELLEN: Chrishell did not promise to do that.

PORTIA: Sure she did. 

ELLEN: Your gravy's got more than lumps in it.  Seriously, what are you smoking?

PORTIA: Ok, just you wait. There will come a day, when we are all in the same room -- me, you, Real life Disney Princess Eden Riegel and her little Prince Poops-a-Lot, the Ever Elusive Internet Free Tamara Braun, Chrissie the Woefully Lonely, Never-Gonna-Get-to-Play-A-Real-Lesbian Thespian, Alicia Minshew with her Head of Awesome Curls, and Chrishell, decked out in full Julie Newmar Catwoman Glory -- and she will tell you herself.

ELLEN: It will never happen.


ELLEN: Because that much pretty in one room WOULD CAUSE THE UNIVERSE TO EXPLODE!

PORTIA: You have a point.

ELLEN: Where's the pie?

PORTIA: Screw the pie, where's the bourbon?


PS:  For real, we wish all of you a very Happy Thanksgiving! Thanks for stopping by.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Ellen & Portia's Thanksgiving Recipe

So, it's that time of year when Americans of all stripes gather for a massive holiday meal. Neither of us does much cooking - actually, there is a court order which strictly prohibits Portia from entering a kitchen with the intent to cook or operate a stove, but that's another story.

Our point is -- lots of folks are thinking about new and old recipes they'd like to try for the holidays and we thought we'd take a look at a few recipes too . . .

You've probably seen this old chestnut:

Recipe For A Happy Marriage

4 cups of Love
2 cups of Loyalty
Dash of Faith
3 cups of Kindness
4 cups of Understanding
1 cup of Friendship
5 spoonfuls of Hope
1 barrel of Laughter
Pinch of Forgiveness (no substitutions)
Dash of Thoughtfulness (not optional)

Take love and loyalty and mix thoroughly with faith.
Blend in kindness and understanding, add friendship and hope.
Sprinkle abundantly with laughter. Garnish with forgiveness and thoughtfulness.
Bake with sunshine.
Serve daily with generous helpings.

Then there is:
Recipe For A Daytime Soap - ABC Version
4 cups of Long Lost Love
6 cups of Lascivious Lust
Dash of Altered-Reality
3 Tablespoons of Kindness
1 Teaspoon of Friendship
1 Litre of Murderous Muck
2 gallons of Hysterical Theatrics

Pinch of Common Sense (completely optional & easily omitted)
Dash of Humor (silliness substitute ok)
Pound of Salt (for rubbing in open wounds)

Take Love & Lust and remix repeatedly until dry, crusty, and unappetizing.
Blend in dash of altered-reality then remix and serve again.
Sprinkle abundantly with salt. Garnish with hysterical theatrics and dash of humor.
Top with Murderous Muck for special occasions or when contract negotiations dictate.
Bake with blowtorch.
Serve daily with antacids.

And finally:

The Pratt Falls Chicks' Recipe
for a Healthier, Tastier Daytime Soap

4 cups of True Love (Straight or Gay, does not matter)
6 cups of Hot Eye Sex
Dash of Hysterical Theatrics
6 cups of Family Dynamics apportioned thusly:
    2 cups of Meddling Mothers
    1 cup each of: Doting Dads, Squabbling Siblings,
      Annoying In Laws, Familial Loyalty

Pinch of Absolute Absurdity
Dash of Danger
1 Litre of Common Sense
1 Pound of Plausible Plots
2 Cups of Mixed Nuts
Take True Love and mix with Family Dynamics until bubbling. Add Dash of Danger until mixture boils, then add 1/2 litre of common sense until mixture is creamy and smooth. Add nuts. Tenderize mixture with large, ancient stone hammer belonging to a Norse thunder god. Measure into 5 equal portions, serve Monday thru Friday around lunchtime.  Enjoy!


Sunday, November 14, 2010

Tragedy Is Imminent!

No, we are not talking about Zach's death. We are talking about how once again Bianca is NOT MENTIONED in the All My Children spoilers. How is this possible?!? RAGE CAPS ALONE CANNOT CONVEY OUR FIERY ANGER!

Great balls of cat fur, do David Kreizman and Donna Swajeski even know who Bianca is or what imminent means?! 

: ready to take place; especially : hanging threateningly over one's head < in imminent danger of being attacked by killer bunnies in the Forest of Marginalized Gay Folk>
CLICK HERE to see what happens when writers ignore Bianca and deprive her of her smoking hot wife Reese.
We imagine Kreizman and Swajeski sitting in their ABC offices, thumbing through the AMC Bible, reading the additions, appendixes and notations made by Pratt.  Including, but not limited to the official AMC definition of:

adjective -- of or pertaining to babysitter of children; bringer of tea.
noun -- an inhabitant of the twilight zone surrounding Pine Valley where people who have been killed but their body never recovered are kept in limbo until needed or wanted. Lesbians sometimes wither away and are lost to oblivion, and/or achieve successful careers beyond daytime tv. Also see "The Martin Attic." Famous AMC lesbians: Josh Duhamel.

# # GrrrArrgghh # #

Saturday, November 13, 2010

The Bold & the Beautiful in 6 Minutes

Somebody needs to do this for All My Children!  We were simultaneously entertained and horrified .  Kind of like watching this last election cycle....


Monday, November 8, 2010

Listen People! Heed Our Warning!

Apparently the new Head Writers at All My Children  are not aware of the chaos and turmoil they are causing in a parallel universe.  Clearly they don't understand that by sidelining our beloved Bianca and keeping her separated from her smoking hot, legally wedded wife, Reese, they are responsible for severe disturbances in the Forest of Marginalized Gay Folk. The Rainbow Unicorns have gone mad and are stampeding! Killing innocent Stardust Glitter Fairies as they sun themselves on Moonblossom Mushrooms in the Field of Snowbutter Pansies.

For the love of Disney Princesses everywhere, we beg you David Kreizman and Donna Swajeski -- Give Christina Bennett Lind a Fucking Storyline and BRING BACK REESE. *

* DISCLAIMER: This post was posted following the use of legally prescribed painkillers. No actual Glitter Fairies were harmed. . . . but that could change. . . .