Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Ellen & Portia's Thanksgiving Recipe

So, it's that time of year when Americans of all stripes gather for a massive holiday meal. Neither of us does much cooking - actually, there is a court order which strictly prohibits Portia from entering a kitchen with the intent to cook or operate a stove, but that's another story.

Our point is -- lots of folks are thinking about new and old recipes they'd like to try for the holidays and we thought we'd take a look at a few recipes too . . .

You've probably seen this old chestnut:

Recipe For A Happy Marriage

4 cups of Love
2 cups of Loyalty
Dash of Faith
3 cups of Kindness
4 cups of Understanding
1 cup of Friendship
5 spoonfuls of Hope
1 barrel of Laughter
Pinch of Forgiveness (no substitutions)
Dash of Thoughtfulness (not optional)

Take love and loyalty and mix thoroughly with faith.
Blend in kindness and understanding, add friendship and hope.
Sprinkle abundantly with laughter. Garnish with forgiveness and thoughtfulness.
Bake with sunshine.
Serve daily with generous helpings.

Then there is:
Recipe For A Daytime Soap - ABC Version
4 cups of Long Lost Love
6 cups of Lascivious Lust
Dash of Altered-Reality
3 Tablespoons of Kindness
1 Teaspoon of Friendship
1 Litre of Murderous Muck
2 gallons of Hysterical Theatrics

Pinch of Common Sense (completely optional & easily omitted)
Dash of Humor (silliness substitute ok)
Pound of Salt (for rubbing in open wounds)

Take Love & Lust and remix repeatedly until dry, crusty, and unappetizing.
Blend in dash of altered-reality then remix and serve again.
Sprinkle abundantly with salt. Garnish with hysterical theatrics and dash of humor.
Top with Murderous Muck for special occasions or when contract negotiations dictate.
Bake with blowtorch.
Serve daily with antacids.

And finally:

The Pratt Falls Chicks' Recipe
for a Healthier, Tastier Daytime Soap

4 cups of True Love (Straight or Gay, does not matter)
6 cups of Hot Eye Sex
Dash of Hysterical Theatrics
6 cups of Family Dynamics apportioned thusly:
    2 cups of Meddling Mothers
    1 cup each of: Doting Dads, Squabbling Siblings,
      Annoying In Laws, Familial Loyalty

Pinch of Absolute Absurdity
Dash of Danger
1 Litre of Common Sense
1 Pound of Plausible Plots
2 Cups of Mixed Nuts
Take True Love and mix with Family Dynamics until bubbling. Add Dash of Danger until mixture boils, then add 1/2 litre of common sense until mixture is creamy and smooth. Add nuts. Tenderize mixture with large, ancient stone hammer belonging to a Norse thunder god. Measure into 5 equal portions, serve Monday thru Friday around lunchtime.  Enjoy!


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