Monday, December 20, 2010

Hark the Herald, Pratt Falls Sings!



Hark the herald Pratt Falls sing
Glory to the the new found Binks!
Please don't have a divorce filed
Let Binks & Reese be reconciled!
Joyful all ye fans should rise
No one in Pine Valley ever dies!
With the Pratt Falls chicks proclaim
"Don't let Reese take all the blame!"
Hark the herald Pratt Falls sing
Binks still wears her wedding ring!

Reese by Pratt Falls is adored
Without Reese, Binks sure is bored!
Please let Reese return from France,
Wearing groovy fancy pants!
Poor Mimo and little Gabby,
Need both their moms to not feel crabby!
Please don't treat the fans so shabby.
Binks without Reese makes us stabby!
Hark the herald Pratt Falls sings,
"Why do writers do these things?"

RANT

Hark the Herald Pratt Falls sings,
Glory to the new found Binks!
Please don't have a divorce filed
Let Binks & Reese be reconciled!

Joyful all ye fans should rise
Join our angry, mournful cries!
With the Pratt Falls chicks proclaim:
"Eden Riegel is not to blame!"

###

Monday, December 13, 2010

Emergency Missive to the Head Writers at All My Children

TO: David & Donna; Donner & Blitzen; Laurel & Hardy
FROM: The Pratt Falls Chicks
DELIVER: HIGH PRIORITY
SUBJECT: PLEASE! We are begging you! Do Not Ignore Our Warnings!

Dear Starsky & Hutch, if you are still the Head Writers at AMC by the time this reaches you, we implore you, we beg you, we beseech you: BRING BACK REESE! Offscreen references to Bianca's legally wedded, smoking hot wife will not suffice. We repeat: Offscreen references can no longer be counted on to mollify the masses.

Bianca NEEDS her wife. REESE must be returned to Pine Valley ASAP. This is not just what we're hoping and wishing for! This is the only way to avoid complete and total anarchy in the Forest of Marginalized Gay Folk.

 We've warned you before, to no avail. Did you care when we told you about the Rainbow Unicorns' Rampaging Stampede through the Forest causing brutal mutilation of the Stardust Glitter Fairies?!  No you did not.



Did you heed our warning about the Killer Attack Bunnies? Or even inquire about the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, the only known defense against Killer Rabbits? No, of course not.

And because of your inconsiderate, heartless, indifference to the solitary suffering of Bianca Montgomery, there are now Armed Gnomes on the loose.  Oh yes, you read that right. ARMED GNOMES.  The Forest of Marginalized Gay Folk is at DefCon 4 people!


PLEASE NOTE: Your average Garden Gnome is typically a fun loving creature. Mischievous and prone to pranking their friends, but generally harmless.  Their behavior changes drastically when under stress or after long periods of deprivation from their favorite Soap Opera Couple.  It must also be noted, that Gnomes are particularly fond of Miranda and even the ill-begotten Gabby.  Rumor has it that Garden Gnomes are the unknown protectors of Secret Sperm. We cannot, however, definitively confirm or deny this claim.

Armed Gnomes are said to be particularly fierce this time of year - snow covered, vertically challenged, heathens from the North. Lets hope Santa's Elven Army doesn't join their hellish brigade. That's the last thing anyone wants: gnomes and elves attacking innocent gingerbread houses with fiery fruit cakes and boiling egg nog. The inhumanity of it all!

In addition to alerting you to the impending crisis, the Gnomes have asked us to relate to you a List of Demands.  We have translated from the original Gnome language as best we can:

1. Return Reese must to Bianca and her wee ones.
2. Lovey Dovey Goo Goo Eyes for the Reese all the times with much Bianca.
3. Snarl barking permissible for purposes only to make Sexy Eyes again again again.
4. Much wee ones huggy huggy time.

There were several more demands that are, frankly, indecipherable, but if we are able to translate them, we promise to send them along. Several references to Fedora's and ties were made. We're not sure why.

Please study the reconnaissance photo below, taken just this morning. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.  Bring back Reese and give Bianca the Love Story she deserves or the Gnomes Will Attack!



##GrrrrArrgghh##

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Bianca-Blow out! + Binks Squared! = *THUD*

Well, we still don't know some essential information about one Ms. Christina Bennett Lind. Like if she prefers cake or pie; who her favorite Disney Princess is; or if she is okay with us calling her Chrissie.  What we do know is, she reads this blog. << insert us doing our happy dance here >>

What's better than NuBinks reading our blog? How about the fact that AlphaBinks apparently stops by for a visit sometimes too!  We submit for your consideration the following Twitter Evidence as received last night in response to the blog post previous to this one (Questions for Chrissie):




Did you read that, people? Chrissie & Eden discussing the relative hotness of Bianca & Heather getting it on.
Yep. That's what you read.  You can thank us later. We accept latkes, any form of dark chocolate and cheese.
###

Monday, December 6, 2010

Questions for Chrissie!

Did you know that our buddies over at The Pine Valley Exposer are going to be interviewing Christina Bennett Lind? AND, they are asking for folks to send them questions! (Deadline is Wed, Dec. 8)

How could we resist this sparkly opportunity to engage with Pine Valley's Loneliest Lesbian? We couldn't!


So, without further ado:


Here are our thoughtful, insightful, penetrating, erudite, sensitive questions for Chrissie:



From Ellen:

1. If you could write Bianca's next storyline, what would you like to see happen?

2. Has metaphorical motherhood been a challenge?

3. Have you heard of "Kinks"?

4. Do you realize that you have been actively participating in "Kinks" since accepting the role?

5. Is Susan Lucci's hair full of secrets?

6. Is it okay to call you Chrissie?

From Portia:
1. Cake or Pie?

2. If there were a cosmic soap opera world collision, and Pine Valley mystically converged with Genoa City, and Bianca Montgomery was charged with a crime she obviously didn't commit, but put her into the same orbit as hot shot lawyer Heather Stevens, would Binks put the moves on her?

2a. What moves would they be?

3. If Binks met Heather, would their proximity to one another cause all surrounding carbon based life forms to crystallize into rock candy sugar formations?

4. How exactly do you "practice eye sex"?

5. Did anybody warn you about us?

6. Who's your favorite Disney Princess?

Gee, we hope Chrissie chooses one or two of our questions to answer! We'll be quivering with fevered anticipation until the interview is published!

And, Chrissie -- if you want to answer any of our questions directly -- or send us a cease and desist order -- you can email us: prattfalls(at)yahoo.com.

###

Thursday, November 25, 2010

The Official Thanksgiving Post

As so often happens, our plans did not turn out as planned. But we wanted to do a kick ass, gratitude busting post for you.  We just couldn't quite agree on what that would be exactly.  So, in the interest of sharing with you the inner workings of our little blog, here is a transcript of our discussion about an Official Thanksgiving Post.

* * *

PORTIA: Should we do a Thanksgiving post on what we are thankful for?

ELLEN: Sure, why not?

PORTIA: Ok, let's make a list.

ELLEN: #1 - I am grateful for Soap Opera Characters Who Stay Dead.

PORTIA: Can you name one? Besides a character that was 80 years old, played by an actor who was 90 years old and who died in real life and is for real not coming back, even in a dream sequence, because they are, realio trulio dead?

ELLEN: What's your point?

PORTIA: Never mind. What else?

ELLEN: Dobby the House Elf.

PORTIA: Shut up! I haven't seen Deathly Hallows yet!!

ELLEN: Diet Coke.

PORTIA: You are a deeply shallow person, you know that?

ELLEN: Alicia Minshew's hair.

PORTIA: Finally! We agree on something. She has the most awesome head of hair on the planet. It's phenomenal. If we are ever in the same room as Alicia Minshew, promise me you will not let me embarrass myself by trying to touch her hair, because I'm not sure I could resist the temptation.


ELLEN: No worries. You are never going to be in a room with Alicia Minshew and her Awesome Head of Curls.

PORTIA: Why not? It could happen!

ELLEN: Keep dreaming, it's pathetic, but sweet.

PORTIA: Alicia might walk in to the same restaurant where Tamara and I are enjoying a glass of Pinot Noir and a fine cheese platter. And Tam would graciously invite her over to our table.  It could totally happen.

ELLEN: Have you seen the latest photo of Tam?  Unlike you, she is not a woman who has a close personal relationship with dairy products.

PORTIA: You may say that I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.

ELLEN: I am very close to insisting you get professional help.

PORTIA: You think I need help? ME? You're the one who spent 2 days polishing your Ninja Turtle Collection because you plan on bequeathing it to Eden's baby boy. Like she wants your old, disgusting Ninja Turtle toys for her son. Please!

ELLEN: They are in mint condition!

PORTIA: Yeah. Ok, April O'Neil, keep telling yourself that.

ELLEN: Can we finish this list, already? I have things to do.

PORTIA: Well, obviously we need to include our utter gratitude for Chrissie. The Bianca recast was fraught with potential disaster.

ELLEN: So true.

PORTIA: And yet she's been terrific as Bianca.

ELLEN: She would be even more terrific if she ever got an actual storyline.

PORTIA: When are they going to give that girl a chance to show her stuff? She must be chomping at the bit waiting for an opportunity to unleash her hidden Bianca powers.

ELLEN: I bet she's so disappointed at not getting any hot eye sex after 6 months. It's so unfair.

PORTIA: We've tried our best! D & D clearly are unaware of, or are unimpressed by, our thinly veiled threats.

ELLEN: They have no compassion for the havoc they're causing in the Forest of Marginalized Gay Folk. None.

PORTIA: How hard can it be to recast Reese?

ELLEN: All they need is a skinny blond actress with sexy eyes.

PORTIA: You could throw a rock in LA and hit 10 skinny blond actresses without even trying!

ELLEN: Poor Binks.

PORTIA: Poor Chrissie.

ELLEN: Poor us.

PORTIA: GrrrrArrgghhh!

ELLEN: Great now I'm pissed and we're supposed to be talking about what we're grateful for.

PORTIA: You know what? Fuck it.  If Eden and Tam and Chrissie don't know how much we love and adore them by now, they never will. And we don't do what we do for their love and support anyway. We do it because . . . . . .

ELLEN:  Because . . . ?

PORTIA:  Yeah . . . why do we keep doing this?

ELLEN:  Because . . .

PORTIA: . . . Martha would miss us if we stopped.

ELLEN: Definitely, she would.

PORTIA: And, it's an awesome coping mechanism.

ELLEN: So true. Wielding the Hammer at the constant fuckery feels liberating and powerful, even if it's all imaginary.

PORTIA: And we laugh at lot.

ELLEN: We do!

PORTIA: I am so very grateful for that.

ELLEN: Me too. And I thank you.

PORTIA: You're very welcome. I thank you too.

ELLEN: Can we eat pie now?

PORTIA: Wait!! I thought of some one else to add to the list!

ELLEN: Yes?

PORTIA: Chrishell!

ELLEN: Why?

PORTIA: Are you joking me? Why?! Because she totally agreed to pitch a story to D & D about how, when Reese finally returns, Amanda makes a play for her.

ELLEN: Chrishell did not promise to do that.

PORTIA: Sure she did. 

ELLEN: Your gravy's got more than lumps in it.  Seriously, what are you smoking?

PORTIA: Ok, just you wait. There will come a day, when we are all in the same room -- me, you, Real life Disney Princess Eden Riegel and her little Prince Poops-a-Lot, the Ever Elusive Internet Free Tamara Braun, Chrissie the Woefully Lonely, Never-Gonna-Get-to-Play-A-Real-Lesbian Thespian, Alicia Minshew with her Head of Awesome Curls, and Chrishell, decked out in full Julie Newmar Catwoman Glory -- and she will tell you herself.

ELLEN: It will never happen.

PORTIA: Why?

ELLEN: Because that much pretty in one room WOULD CAUSE THE UNIVERSE TO EXPLODE!

PORTIA: You have a point.

ELLEN: Where's the pie?

PORTIA: Screw the pie, where's the bourbon?

###

PS:  For real, we wish all of you a very Happy Thanksgiving! Thanks for stopping by.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Ellen & Portia's Thanksgiving Recipe

So, it's that time of year when Americans of all stripes gather for a massive holiday meal. Neither of us does much cooking - actually, there is a court order which strictly prohibits Portia from entering a kitchen with the intent to cook or operate a stove, but that's another story.

Our point is -- lots of folks are thinking about new and old recipes they'd like to try for the holidays and we thought we'd take a look at a few recipes too . . .

You've probably seen this old chestnut:

Recipe For A Happy Marriage

4 cups of Love
2 cups of Loyalty
Dash of Faith
3 cups of Kindness
4 cups of Understanding
1 cup of Friendship
5 spoonfuls of Hope
1 barrel of Laughter
Pinch of Forgiveness (no substitutions)
Dash of Thoughtfulness (not optional)


Take love and loyalty and mix thoroughly with faith.
Blend in kindness and understanding, add friendship and hope.
Sprinkle abundantly with laughter. Garnish with forgiveness and thoughtfulness.
Bake with sunshine.
Serve daily with generous helpings.


Then there is:
Recipe For A Daytime Soap - ABC Version
 
4 cups of Long Lost Love
6 cups of Lascivious Lust
Dash of Altered-Reality
3 Tablespoons of Kindness
1 Teaspoon of Friendship
1 Litre of Murderous Muck
2 gallons of Hysterical Theatrics




ADD DAILY:
Pinch of Common Sense (completely optional & easily omitted)
Dash of Humor (silliness substitute ok)
Pound of Salt (for rubbing in open wounds)


Take Love & Lust and remix repeatedly until dry, crusty, and unappetizing.
Blend in dash of altered-reality then remix and serve again.
Sprinkle abundantly with salt. Garnish with hysterical theatrics and dash of humor.
Top with Murderous Muck for special occasions or when contract negotiations dictate.
Bake with blowtorch.
Serve daily with antacids.

And finally:

The Pratt Falls Chicks' Recipe
for a Healthier, Tastier Daytime Soap



4 cups of True Love (Straight or Gay, does not matter)
6 cups of Hot Eye Sex
Dash of Hysterical Theatrics
6 cups of Family Dynamics apportioned thusly:
    2 cups of Meddling Mothers
    1 cup each of: Doting Dads, Squabbling Siblings,
      Annoying In Laws, Familial Loyalty


ADD DAILY:
Pinch of Absolute Absurdity
Dash of Danger
1 Litre of Common Sense
1 Pound of Plausible Plots
2 Cups of Mixed Nuts
  
Take True Love and mix with Family Dynamics until bubbling. Add Dash of Danger until mixture boils, then add 1/2 litre of common sense until mixture is creamy and smooth. Add nuts. Tenderize mixture with large, ancient stone hammer belonging to a Norse thunder god. Measure into 5 equal portions, serve Monday thru Friday around lunchtime.  Enjoy!

###

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Tragedy Is Imminent!

No, we are not talking about Zach's death. We are talking about how once again Bianca is NOT MENTIONED in the All My Children spoilers. How is this possible?!? RAGE CAPS ALONE CANNOT CONVEY OUR FIERY ANGER!

Great balls of cat fur, do David Kreizman and Donna Swajeski even know who Bianca is or what imminent means?! 


IMMINENT
: ready to take place; especially : hanging threateningly over one's head < in imminent danger of being attacked by killer bunnies in the Forest of Marginalized Gay Folk>
 
CLICK HERE to see what happens when writers ignore Bianca and deprive her of her smoking hot wife Reese.
  
We imagine Kreizman and Swajeski sitting in their ABC offices, thumbing through the AMC Bible, reading the additions, appendixes and notations made by Pratt.  Including, but not limited to the official AMC definition of:

LESBIAN:
adjective -- of or pertaining to babysitter of children; bringer of tea.
noun -- an inhabitant of the twilight zone surrounding Pine Valley where people who have been killed but their body never recovered are kept in limbo until needed or wanted. Lesbians sometimes wither away and are lost to oblivion, and/or achieve successful careers beyond daytime tv. Also see "The Martin Attic." Famous AMC lesbians: Josh Duhamel.

# # GrrrArrgghh # #

Saturday, November 13, 2010

The Bold & the Beautiful in 6 Minutes

Somebody needs to do this for All My Children!  We were simultaneously entertained and horrified .  Kind of like watching this last election cycle....




###

Monday, November 8, 2010

Listen People! Heed Our Warning!

Apparently the new Head Writers at All My Children  are not aware of the chaos and turmoil they are causing in a parallel universe.  Clearly they don't understand that by sidelining our beloved Bianca and keeping her separated from her smoking hot, legally wedded wife, Reese, they are responsible for severe disturbances in the Forest of Marginalized Gay Folk. The Rainbow Unicorns have gone mad and are stampeding! Killing innocent Stardust Glitter Fairies as they sun themselves on Moonblossom Mushrooms in the Field of Snowbutter Pansies.


For the love of Disney Princesses everywhere, we beg you David Kreizman and Donna Swajeski -- Give Christina Bennett Lind a Fucking Storyline and BRING BACK REESE. *







* DISCLAIMER: This post was posted following the use of legally prescribed painkillers. No actual Glitter Fairies were harmed. . . . but that could change. . . .

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Happy Halloween!

Ok, this isn't a Halloween related video. But it is awesome!  We hope you enjoy it.
(Thank You @BuzzWorthyRadio for the link.)

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Quite Possibly Our Most Important Blog Post Ever

Dear Friends,

We decided we wanted to use a bit of our little corner of the internet to talk about recent events involving the bullying of gay kids and the suicides that resulted from the bullying.  We're filled with sorrow and outrage and consternation over what has happened in the past few weeks.

We send our condolences to the families of Tyler Clementi, Billy Lucas, Asher Brown, Justin Aaberg, Seth Walsh and the thousands of nameless teens who have suffered bullying and discrimination.  You have our deepest sympathy and our thoughts and prayers are with you.

To the thousands of nameless adults who condone bullying, attend churches that preach a gospel of hatred towards homosexuality, to people in power who remain silent when insensitive, disparaging remarks are made about gays and lesbians we ask - what are you thinking? What happened to your heart? Has it shriveled up and died? No, seriously, it's a valid question.

For all the gains that have been made for fairness and equality, these suicides show us, in no uncertain terms, we still have a long way to go.  We may not be celebrities or politicians or true "public figures" (hell, we only have 750 twitter followers!) - but we have a voice, and so do you. And now more than ever we must unite in order to spread a loud, clear message of love and respect. This act of unity must extend to all aspects of society: government, education and media.

We hope you'll join us in letting the television industry know that they are not exempt from this call to action! We especially want to encourage the soaps to stop running from their responsibilities in regards to gay characters. Bianca's coming out story on All My Children is now legendary. A watershed moment in TV history.  A breakthrough for the LGBT community. Bianca Montgomery represents a whole generation of young gay people struggling to survive and fighting for equality. Why won't the current writers let her story continue to reflect the hopes and dreams and struggles of gay Americans?

We truly believe that the soaps have an obligation to tell the stories of the gay characters (that they created!)  with intelligence, honesty, dignity and truth. These stories are powerful and important and need to be told.

Finally, we want to acknowledge that we will never be able to change the hearts or minds of self righteous, fear mongering, Bible/Koran/Torah thumping bigots by expressing our disgust for them. The only useful thing we can do is stand up and speak out. We shall tweet, blog and youtube ourselves repeatedly to let the world know:

1. We're not afraid of the gay. In fact we delight in all the wonderful things gays have brought to the world.

2. We do not believe in a God that hates. Anyone.

3. We will not tolerate anyone making anti-gay comments in our presence. Which means if you get your gay hate on while we're around, you can expect us to call you out for it, which may include one or both of us breaking into song, which may or may not be a song from Into the Woods and/or South Pacific.

and

4. We will fight to our last breath for the right of Bianca Christine Montgomery to have a meaningful, long and lusty love life with her legally wedded, smoking hot wife, Reese. Because all of us, gay and straight, deserve to have a meaningful, long and lusty love life with someone who we find as smoking hot as Reese. It's a basic, fundamental human right.

So say we all.

And to any LGBT kids out there who might have stumbled upon this blog -- we want to reiterate the message that "It Gets Better."  All My Children probably won't get much better, but your life -- definitely will.

Please join us in supporting these worthy organizations and the important work they do:

The Trevor Project * http://www.thetrevorproject.org/ * Toll free hotline: 866-488-7386
The Trevor Project is a nonprofit endeavor established to promote acceptance of lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning (LGBTQ) youth, and to aid in suicide prevention among that group.

GLSEN * http://www.glsen.org
GLSEN is an education organization creating safe schools for all lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people. The Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network strives to assure that each member of every school community is valued and respected regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity/expression.

PFLAG - Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays * http://community.pflag.org/
PFLAG promotes the health and well-being of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender persons, their families and friends through: support, education, and advocacy.


WE GIVE A DAMN * http://www.wegiveadamn.org/
The Give a Damn Campaign is for everybody who cares about gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender equality.  But, it’s especially for all you straight people out there! Whether you’re already an active supporter, want to show your support for the first time, or hadn’t given equality a lot of thought before and now want to learn more, we are here to help you get informed about the issues and get involved, at a pace that works for you.

NOH8 * http://www.noh8campaign.com/
the NOH8 Campaign is a photographic silent protest created by celebrity photographer Adam Bouska (http://www.bouska.net) and partner Jeff Parshley in direct response to the passage of Proposition 8. Photos feature subjects with duct tape over their mouths, symbolizing their voices being silenced by Prop 8 and similar legislation around the world, with "NOH8" painted on one cheek in protest.

FAITH IN AMERICA * http://www.faithinamerica.com/
The mission of Faith In America is three-fold: a) to educate the public about the harm caused to gay Americans when religion-based bigotry and prejudice is used to justify condemnation, discrimination and violence; b) to aggressively challenge such oppression by anyone who promotes it or attempts to justify it; and c) to aggressively confront the social respectability and acceptability afforded to Americans who cite religion-based bigotry to oppress gay Americans.

Also, you might want to take time to read this very well written op-ed by Alfred P. Doblin at the North Jersey Record http://www.northjersey.com/columnists/doblin/doblin_100410.html

 And last but not least - Let your voice be heard!


ONLINE CONTACT FORMS FOR MAJOR NETWORKS
http://abc.go.com/site/contact-us
http://www.cbs.com/info/user_services/fb_global_form.php
http://nbc.researchresults.com/?s=10

Thanks for your time!  Ellen & Portia

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Unsolicited Feedback

We found a wonderful website called The Bureau of Communication and we wanted to alert all of you so that you can take advantage of this wonderful service!

We know, because we listened to the Tune In Tomorrow podcast on Blog Talk Radio, that the Powers That Be in Daytime Soaps don't pay any attention to what soap fans on the internet have to say. Apparently, they think we're all insane. What do they expect from people who watch their shows? The insanity is contagious.

Anyways . . . we just thought it was time to provide Unsolicited Feedback and the Airing of Grievances in a more formal manner.  So we're going to print high quality copies of our Official Forms and send them to ABC.

We encourage you to visit the The Bureau of Communication website and  use whichever forms suit your purposes (they have lots!) and send them to whomever you feel deserves it. 



 
***


###

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Can You Feel The Love Tonight?

NuBianca thinks we're funny!

















The make-up people hate us, but ... who cares!?!

The only bad thing about this admission on Chrissie's part -- (we feel empowered to call her Chrissie now that she's openly admitted she reads our little blog) -- if she has time to read our site, she's not getting any hefty storylines that would require her to be feverishly studying pages and pages of dialogue. 

Nope, seems she has time to surf the net during work. This is not altogether good news for us, cause we WANT MORE BIANCA. Not Bianca the Babysitter, not Bianca the Office Girl, not Bianca the Bringer of Tea. We want Bianca the Patron Saint of All that is Good in Pine Valley front and center with a story of her very own.  Of course our first choice would be a story of reconciliation between Bianca and her smoking hot wife, Reese. But at this point, we'll take what we can get.

In the meantime, we suppose we should be grateful to know NuBianca knows we exist. And she hasn't taken out a restraining order against us!  Excelsior!

###

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Reason #457 Why We Should Be Head Writers at All My Children

WARNING: Excessive ALL CAPS abuse runs rampant through out this post.
Picture us watching today's episode of All My Children and insert string of unladylike expletives here. 

PORTIA:   %$&#*!@# Don't the "Good Story Telling Rules" still include "Show, Don't Tell"  ?

ELLEN: Of course they do! And not only that, "Show, Don't Tell" is especially useful when writing for a visual medium such as -- television!

PORTIA:  Well as far as I can tell, All My Children is still a television show. Though just barely.

ELLEN: Damn! I was so excited when we read the spoilers about Mimo being rushed to the hospital. Some actual DRAMA, potentially involving Bianca!!

PORTIA: Mimo!!

ELLEN:  I love Mimo almost as much I love and adore Bianca.

PORTIA: And her other Mommy, the Ever Illusive Pine Valley Averse Reese.

ELLEN: NuMimo looks like a 7 year old Eden clone. It makes my heart hurt.

PORTIA: I still love original recipe Mimo. Wonder what Haley's up to these days?


ELLEN: I wonder if she has a Messiah Complex. If not she certainly deserves one.

PORTIA:  I just don't understand AMC!  C'mon, is this the way to create drama ??

1) put a small, adorable, universally cherished, messianic child in danger but DON'T ACTUALLY SHOW HER IN DANGER
2) have her new found friend, the crusty, old curmudgeon rescue her but DON'T ACTUALLY SHOW HIM RESCUING HER

ELLEN:  Excellent job guys! The suspense is killing us. What happens next? Mimo is saved but we DON'T ACTUALLY GET TO SEE HER RESUSCITATED?

PORTIA:  Well, y'know, where's the excitement in seeing any of that stuff?  Maybe, if we're lucky we'll get to see something fun and different and exciting tomorrow like, like -- MARISSA CRYING! Wouldn't THAT be GREAT? Can't wait to see that. Again. Forty days and forty nights of non stop crying courtesy of Marissa. Gah!

ELLEN: Poor Bianca is the one separated from her smoking hot wife, she's got something to cry about. But does she cry? No! She babysits and plans parties.


PORTIA: Marissa is so mopey she almost makes me wish Babe would come back from the dead just to slap her.

ELLEN: Why do you say such horrible things?

PORTIA: Sorry, it must the bourbon and the broken dreams.

ELLEN: And what is with Caleb and Angie and the faux dramatic pause over Mimo's body???? Shouldn't they be taking her to the hospital ASAP?

PORTIA: Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

ELLEN: It should have looked like this:

1. Angie, stumbling around, the house FULL OF SMOKE.

PORTIA: Come on AMC, we'll host a fundraiser to buy you guys a damn smoke machine.

ELLEN:
2. Caleb barreling into Miranda's SMOKE FILLED room, pulling her little lifeless body from the haze.
3. Angie and Caleb rushing out the door to the sound of ambulances and cop cars in the air. Lots of smoke.

PORTIA: LOTS AND LOTS OF SMOKE.

ELLEN:
4. Quick cut to Bianca, as she falls to the ground screaming in pain - something is wrong with Miranda!

PORTIA: But everything will be alright. . . because .... it has to be.

ELLEN:
5. Quick cut to Kendall, screaming for Bianca because she feels Binks feeling Mimo in danger!
6. Quick cut to European city. It's night. Erica Kane wakes from a disturbed sleep. Her eyes flash -

PORTIA:  KANE BABY INJURED! JACK WAKE UP! KANE BABY INJURED!


ELLEN:
7. Quick cut to Gabrielle, holding wire cutters and matches.

PORTIA:  *cue Addam's family theme*

ELLEN:
8. Cut to Reese. Slouching over a table in a sleazy French bar holding a glass of cheap wine.

PORTIA: Mumbling incoherently over and over: "this is all my fault!"

ELLEN:  WHY ARE WE NOT THE HEAD WRITERS OF THIS SHOW?!?!?!

PORTIA: WHY ARE THE CURRENT WRITERS LAZY AND CHEAP?!?!?

ELLEN: They didn't have a bedroom set so everything was offscreen?

PORTIA:  Please!  With a smoke machine and a Little Mermaid blanket they could have turned AJ's room into Miranda's room. Easy.

ELLEN: Do you think CBL will be able to successfully pull off Bianca in Mama Bear mode?

PORTIA: The real question is will they even bother to show us Bianca?

ELLEN: GrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrAArrgghhhhh

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Friday, August 27, 2010

Just a few random thoughts . . .

Even though we're still waiting for Y&R to give Eden the big, juicy, romantic, heroic and epic storyline she so richly deserves, we're mighty happy with their Wardrobe Dept. & folks responsible for dream sequences.

Exhibit A:

 
Exhibit B:

We like to give praise where praise is due!


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Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Yea! NO H8!

Finally! Prop 8 is overturned in California. We know there's still a long way to go before America catches up with more civilized countries like, oh - Canada! And Argentina, Belgium, Iceland, Netherlands, Norway, Portugal, South Africa, Spain and Sweden. But it's movement in the right direction.

Now, if we could only get the asshats at All My Children to bring back Reese so that Bianca could be reunited with her WIFE, we'd be truly happy.  In the meantime, we'll celebrate today's victory.

Do a little dance. Make a little love. Get down tonight.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Monumental Mythic Musings

Please let the title of this post serve as a warning to you, dear reader, that deep philosophical, sorta-pseudo metaphysical Joycean-style Joseph Campbell induced ramblings are on the way.  We'll spare you any sort of attempt to justify this exchange. We're an odd pair of chicks who delight in over-analyzing our Bianca/Eden/Tamara/Reese obsession.  We include it here for your amusement.  As always, feel free to comment....


PORTIA:  What are you doing?

ELLEN: Nothing, what are you doing?

PORTIA:  Having a philosophical crisis.

ELLEN: Actually, I'm contemplating eating this bag of M&Ms while my brain degenerates into post-thesis mush.

PORTIA:  Why would you contemplate eating M&Ms? Just eat them for god's sake.

ELLEN:  Would the Loathly Lady eat M&Ms if offered to her?

PORTIA:  Unless you & the Loathly Lady are planning to get into bikinis this weekend there is no good reason NOT to eat the M&Ms.

ELLEN:  Good point.

PORTIA: Ok, can we talk about my crisis now?

ELLEN:  Proceed.

PORTIA:  I think I have a new theory on why I might be Bianca/Eden obsessed.

ELLEN:  Might be?

PORTIA:  Ok, fine. I can own it.  I am obsessed.  But I think I have figured out why.  Finally.

ELLEN: Ok, what is it?

PORTIA:  Well, you're aware that I do like me some serious mythology and am deeply interested in philosophy and frighteningly prone to over-analyzing stories that interest me.

ELLEN:  And it's just one of the many reasons why I love you.

PORTIA:  Sarcasm aside, Miss I Have A Masters Thesis in Medieval Literature, I have come to a very profound insight about our dear, beloved Bianca.

ELLEN:  Does our dear, beloved Bianca even exist anymore? Now that she's not Eden, or Eden is not Bianca? And Bianca is without Reese? I mean, the new chick is fine.  She seems to be a lovely person and a very good, competent actor, but...

PORTIA:  She's not Eden.  I know. . . but CBL is not what I want to talk about right now.

ELLEN: Ok, what is this blinding, profound insight?

PORTIA:  Well, I am reading these two Joseph Campbell books --

ELLEN: Simultaneously?

PORTIA:  Yes.  Do you have a problem with that?

ELLEN: No.

PORTIA:  Yes you do.  You think it's weird.

ELLEN:  No I don't.

PORTIA:  Look at you!  You're eating the M&Ms color by color.

ELLEN:  So?  I like to be organized.

PORTIA: Whatever.  According to Joe, --

ELLEN:  Are you on a first name basis now?

PORTIA:  As a matter of fact, yes.  According to Joe, the first function of mythology is "reconciliation" of the brutality of life with a gratitude for the sweetness of life.

ELLEN: Bianca knows about the brutality of life.

PORTIA:  I know! Right?  And, civilization's first mythologies affirm that even though life is full of "bitterness and pain" at it's core, our primary experience of life is sweetness.

ELLEN:  My primary experience of life right now is sweetness, but I think it has more to do with gratitude for the M&Ms than with primitive mythology.

PORTIA:  C'mon!  This is important.  Seriously, I can't overstate how significant I think this is!! -- The first mythologies were ones of affirmation of life. Reconciling the brutality and bitterness with the ultimate sweetness. Now if that is not the very heart and soul of Bianca Christine Montgomery's character, I don't know what is!!

ELLEN:  Well, it's true, everything in Bianca's history is proof that the poor girl has suffered plenty.

PORTIA:  And through it all she remained a good, life affirming person.

ELLEN:  Ok, but ... this isn't exactly a news flash.  We've always known Bianca is practically a saint.  I mean, she did give birth to the Messiah, Little Mimo.  And did you notice, the NuMimo looks exactly like Eden at age 7, which I think is weird.  But whatever, at least Bianca has her babies back.

PORTIA:  Focus Ellen, focus!  Think about Bianca in mythic terms, and consider all that she has suffered and how she always, ALWAYS stays a good person!  A "life-affirming" person!  I'm convinced it has raised the level of the character to mythic standing.

ELLEN:  Ooooh, I see what you mean.  Do you think Agnes ever read Joseph Campbell?

PORTIA:  Who knows.  But, you know, merely writing a character with this quality is not enough.  Having Bianca be played by an actor that physically, emotionally and intellectually projects the same sentiment is what is critical.

ELLEN: AMC had no idea how lucky there were.  Finding Eden for Bianca was catching lightening in a bottle. It doesn't matter how talented a recast is, or whether the writers are able to come up with something moving and brilliant, Bianca without Eden is not Bianca. You've actually put your finger on why this is true.

PORTIA:  It's not as simple as "we love Eden because she's so sweet and fun and cute!"  Bianca + Eden = MONUMENTAL MYTHIC MAGIC.

ELLEN:  Ok, you might have a propensity to overstate things a wee bit. Poor CBL, I wonder if she knew she was stepping into mythic shoes?  And it's so true, that no matter what life, or Pratt, has thrown at Eden, she seems to respond with complete and utter kindness and a belief that the world is ultimately good.  Just like Bianca does.

PORTIA:  Yes!  And in this day and age, when so many people are so deeply bitter and negative about EVERYTHING, it's refreshing and reassuring to see people, real and fictional, who still believe in the sweetness of life.

ELLEN:  Uh, yeah, so, what makes this a philosophical crisis?

PORTIA:  Well, there's more!  You know the whole "follow your bliss" stuff, right?

ELLEN:  Whatever the frak that means.

PORTIA:  According to Joe "bliss" is "that deep sense of being present, of doing what you absolutely must do to be yourself."  Again -- Hello Bianca!!  Her coming out story is all about doing what you absolutely must do to be yourself.

ELLEN:  And if Pratt hadn't ruined it, we might also have gotten to see Reese live out that kind of story.

PORTIA:  GrrrrrArrrggghhhh.

ELLEN:  That asshat's fuckery not only deprived us of the hottest lesbian eye sex on television, he damn near destroyed a mythic character!!  I had no idea I could despise him more deeply than I already did but I think I do.

PORTIA:  And may I just add, on the subject of Reese, I think one reason Reese is so important to the Bianca story is that her love for Bianca --hot eye sex being just one major indicator-- is proof of Bianca's wisdom in believing in the sweetness of life.

ELLEN:  If there is anything sweeter than those two together with Miranda and their ill-begotten baby Gaby, I don't know what it is.

PORTIA:  Good ole Joe also said that "the first function of mythology is to evoke in the individual a sense of grateful, affirmative awe before the monstrous mystery that is existence."

ELLEN:  That's deep.  And All My Children is frequently a monstrous mystery.

PORTIA:  Somehow, someway, despite what was written for their characters, Eden and Tamara created a bond between Bianca & Reese that is indestructible and indescribably sweet.  I mean, their wedding vows, for example, were so beautiful, and despite having to watch Greenlee drive herself off a cliff during their wedding ceremony, I felt full of that "grateful, affirmative awe."

ELLEN:  Ah ha! So this is why you made all those sappy music videos.

PORTIA:  Goddamnit! I WANT THEM BACK ON MY TV TOGETHER NOW AND FOREVER. Because while the rest of the world sucks donkeyballs those two made me believe in "the sweetness of life."

ELLEN:  And that there is your crisis.  I completely understand.

PORTIA:  I knew you would.

ELLEN:  Have some M&Ms.



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Friday, June 18, 2010

Distracted from Distraction by Distraction

Hi! We're not going to comment on Christina Bennett Lind's debut as Bianca.  Not yet anyway.  The gal needs a chance to find her feet and interact with all the other characters.  And besides, we now have more important things to worry about!  Do you follow us on Twitter? (Why the hell not? It's big fun!)

As you may have noticed on AMC recently, Bianca received a call from her lovely wife Reese, and we see on Binks' phone the caller ID.  It says "Reese".  We found this to be wholly inadequate and we tweeted about it.

The tweets went something like this:

How come when Reese calls Bianca her ID just says "Reese" ? Wouldn't it be more accurate if it said "My Smoking Hot Wife" ?

Now we're involved in rather intense speculation regarding ring tones and Caller IDs. We are not normal people, but this you already knew...

Hey @edenriegel when Tamara Braun calls you is the ringtone FEVER & does the caller ID say "The Smoking Hot Ever Elusive Internet Free TB" ?

@edenriegel & when you call TB does a Heavenly Choir + Chimes alert her that "Real Live Disney Princess ER" is on the line? Just wondering?


Well, we were very surprised and pleased when one Ms. Eden Riegel responded!



























Can you believe it? We couldn't quite believe it.






























So, what do you think Eden's nickname is for Tam?  We've been feverishly speculating, but haven't come up with an answer ... yet!

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Sunday, May 16, 2010

A Very Special Open Letter to Christina Bennett Lind

___
Dear Chrissie,

Can we call you Chrissie? Do you prefer CB? Or, Ms. Lind? Let's go with Ms. Lind. It implies a level of respect we think you deserve. But we do hope, someday, we'll be buds and you'll let us call you Chrissie. Or whatever you so choose. Please feel free to call us Ellen & Portia. Everybody does.

Now before you get all excited, no, we're not "the real" Ellen and Portia. They are good looking, hugely successful, ridiculously wealthy, world famous lesbians and we're odd looking, mildly successful, relatively poor, unknown animated straight chicks. Don't feel badly if you've never heard of us. We're not surprised if your new bosses at All My Children failed to fill you in on "the Pratt Falls phenomenon." Feel free to catch up on that later. You must be kind of busy right now.

So... Congratulations on landing the role of a lifetime! Bianca is a very special character and we don't mean "very special" in a condescending, After-School Special kind of way. Yes, Bianca is gay, but that's not what makes her special!

Oh wait. Hell. Yes it is! It is special. Special in the sense that America, nay, the world, is in the throes of enormous gay angst. Every time basic, decent, civil, human rights are afforded homosexuals, a relatively small but enormously loud and well funded group of religious bigots and homophobic creeps spring into action to promise hellfire and damnation upon our nation, loudly proclaiming the threat that all children are now going to be taught how to have sex with goats. Yes, it's really that insane. And it infuriates us.

Why, you may reasonably ask, does it infuriate us? We are a couple of straight chicks, all this hate towards the gays doesn't really affect us, right? Ahhh, but it does. Because you see, we lost our Straight Cards. So now we feel this amazing affinity with the gays. We realize that in the wholly unlikely, probably never in this lifetime (or the next), chance that Eden Riegel or Tamara Braun would succumb to our not very subtle advances, we would be, not just Straight Chicks who lost their Straight Cards, we'd be actual, y'know bi-sexual lesbians. Though not angry ones. No, we'd be happy. Except that now we'd be the object of scorn by those ridiculous religious bigots. (Yes Pope, we're looking at YOU).

And it is all EDEN RIEGEL'S FAULT.

Now, don't get us wrong. We adore Eden. Literally. Like-- L.I.T.E.R.A.L.L.Y. And it was because Eden returned to All My Children to play the "very special" storyline of American Soaps' first same-sex marriage that Tamara Braun was hired to play Reese her "very special" love interest. And by "very special" we mean SMOKING HOT.

The combined heat generated by Eden and Tamara caused our Straight Cards to spontaneously combust. We in no way expected this to happen to us. Never before in our history had we been overcome with lust for other chicks. (Buffy & Willow don't count, that was Hero Worship) Well, what can we say? Except that we are firm believers in the power of a good, strong story especially if it's a well told story, with amazing female characters played by whip smart actors who happen to be freakishly good looking. Which begs the question, why is Joss Whedon not in charge of all television, all the time, on all the stations, everywhere in the world? Why?

But we digress. The heart wants what the heart wants. And our hearts want Bianca and Reese Together. Forever. Driving us crazy with their hot eye sex and smoldering good looks. And we want you to know we hope you (as Bianca) have the opportunity to create your own crazy chemistry with whatever Reese they supply you with, because Bianca (and you) deserve nothing less than the opportunity to have crazy hot eye sex for all Bianca (and your) fans to enjoy.

Did any of that make sense? Whatever, we're animated, we don't have to make sense! But you know what should make sense? Universal rights for all human beings and sometimes, even soap opera stories should make sense. Particularly when they involve sensitive issues like gay marriage and secret sperm.

Poor Eden, she thought her return to Pine Valley was going to be a story of a beloved character facing the challenges of a couple of gay girls getting married in this crazy country. And all her fans wanted to see Bianca finally, finally get the happy ending Bianca so richly deserved. Alas, the Powers That Be at All My Children wanted -- who knows? The best we can tell, they wanted the publicity and the G.L.A.A.D. award nomination they expected they would get for their gay marriage storyline, while simultaneously undermining the story with misogynistic, cliched and offensive homosexual stereotypes. In their minds, a fool proof recipe for success! (See KISH)

But the real horror was how they allowed Chuck Pratt to violate Bianca's character in such a way that it can only be compared to Bianca being raped by Michael Cambius. But at least Bianca got to kill that motherfucker. This time around Bianca has very little chance at redemption..... And it is so not fair. Not fair to Eden, not fair to you, not fair to the fans.

Well, golly! This might be a good time to mention that it has come to our attention that you have an identical twin sister. As much as we despise most outlandish plot twists that involve amnesia, comas and long lost, never before mentioned identical siblings and/or doppelgangers, in this instance we'd make an exception. Why not pitch a story idea to the new writers at AMC, that Bianca was cloned by that insanely smart, dastardly Doctor Hayward and it was an evil Bianca Clone that wanted her brother-in-law's sperm and not, NOT WE SAY, not our beloved realio trulio Bianca who is universally loved and adored by all except for some crazy ass people on the soap boards who clearly have souls which are nothing more than appalling dump heaps overflowing with the most disgraceful assortment of deplorable rubbish imaginable. Ignore those people. Trust us. You don't want to read what they have to say. About anything. Ever.

Speaking of reading stuff about Bianca.... Yeah, we'd also recommend you not visit the NC-17 fanfic section of the Breese Board. It might be tempting, but don't do it. Besides, you don't look old enough to qualify for the password.

While we're doling out advice, may we offer you a few more words of wisdom? Please remember and always honor the fact that Bianca's entire personage is a No-Penis Zone.

Also, should you ever, in your capacity of playing the role of Bianca, be asked to participate in any of the following, it is our advice to you that you immediately call your agent, hire a lawyer and categorically refuse to engage in:

1. Grief Sex in a Morgue
2. A Dance Marathon
3. Faking the Death of your infant child so you can adopt it later
4. Asking for your brother-in-law's sperm

So, in closing, we'd just like to say again CONGRATULATIONS! We sincerely hope you find great success playing the role of Bianca and we hope you won't be offended if we occasionally suggest you would be good for a super-hero role that requires a revealing and blatantly sexist costume. We do it out of love. Sort of.

Our job being the Defenders & Protectors of Eden Riegel and Tamara Braun is time consuming and exhausting, but please do not ever hesitate to tweet if you need us. We are always happy to help actors who have been attacked by the Evil League of Evil. (AKA Daytime Soap Executives)

Best wishes Chrissie! Good luck in Pine Valley,

Ellen & Portia

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Saturday, May 15, 2010

OMG a New Bianca!

Yes, we know!
We heard!
Will we have more to say about it?

You know we will.

But in the meantime, why not enjoy further proof of Eden's versatility and general awesomeness?



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Sunday, April 18, 2010

Happy Birthday Tam!!



***




A very special THANK YOU to Dianne at "Tamara Obscura" for letting us raid her photo gallery.
Go visit the site, it's fabulous! http://www.tamara-braun.com

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Today In History...

It has come to our attention that April 15 is a most important anniversary of numerous dark and terrible historical events. Because we here at Pratt Falls believe that education is the key to success and immense suffering, we’d like to provide you with a most spectacular, anniversary edition of, PRATT FALLS: THE BLOG.

April 15, 1865 – President Abraham Lincoln dies after being shot by John Wilkes Booth. BAD/SAD

April 15, 1912 – In the early hours of April 15, 1912, the Titanic sank, plummeting to the ocean floor where it would sit and wait for James Cameron. COLD/WET

April 15, 2009 – We unleash that Pirate-shirt-wearing, robot-speaking, scruffy looking nerf herder onto the Internet. And Pratt Falls is born. AWESOME/SHOCKING

Today is our one-year anniversary and we couldn’t be more excited! We are so excited that after days and days of discussions we still have no idea how to mark this occasion. We were also incredibly distracted this week and had little time to construct a blog post worthy of this glorious day.

First Dixie Carter died, and Portia insisted on speaking with a Julia Sugarbaker accent for three days.

Then Ellen decided to stalk the twitter account of Shonda Rhimes because, according to Ellen, Rhimes might be the next Chuck Pratt. This is still unconfirmed. We can tell you that the season finale of Grey’s Anatomy will involve fire and a marked lack of subtlety.

Sarah Michelle Geller’s birthday was a 48-hour affair because Portia likes to honor the day by dressing up a hobo in vampire fangs and a cape, following him throughout the night, and staking him just before the sun rises. It’s romantic and creepy and highly illegal.

We were also distracted by Tamara Braun’s upcoming birthday. By “upcoming” we mean APRIL 18. Plus, Tamara Braun is distracting in general.

In light of our numerous distractions, we want to take this time to say a huge thank you! Because we’re never invited to the Emmys, Tonys, Webbys, or Peoples Choice Awards (wtf Queen Latifa?), you get to listen to our thank you speech…RIGHT NOW:

We’d like to thank:
1. The fans! The members of the Breese Board, the BAMmers, the Barfies, Zendall peeps, KISH brothers in arms, ABC folks, DOOL lovers, CBS fangirls. WE THANK YOU! Your endless support, strange midnight tweets, furious indignation and bad-assery has allowed Pratt Falls to survive and thrive. To quote Sue Sylvester, you are engorged with venom and triumph! We do this all for you.

2. Lies! We do this all for Eden Riegel! Eden, thank you for your grace, your class, your hotness, your ability to take the high road so that we can always, always take the low road, your patience, and your willingness to answer any question we ask. On that note, Portia would still like to know who your favorite Disney Princess is, why she is your favorite Disney Princess, how you know she is your favorite Disney Princess, and in a fight between your favorite Disney Princess and Victor Newman, who would win?

3. Tamara Braun. You sexy, saucy, missing in action woman! Thank you for having awesome powers of seduction, magical sex eyes, magical Reese outfits, magical sex everything. Sex. If you come out of hiding we promise to shower you with topical youtube videos and inappropriate questionnaires. Yes, the Internet really is that much fun. Don't believe us? Ask Eden.

4. Andrew Miller! Thank you for your brain, and thanks for letting us talk about Eden in chain mail, a Wonder Woman costume and other fetish apparel. What a swell guy!

5. The soap opera press! Thanks for featuring our little videos, writing articles about our greatness, nominating us for kick ass awards, giving our awards to a stuffed, dead, cat, fighting the good fight, and keeping the love for daytime TV alive! We love each and every one of you. But frak you, Mr. Kitty. Frak you.

6. Thor – for lending us thine hammer. We thank thee, verily.

7. Agnes Nixon – for coming to us in times of trouble, speaking words of wisdom, and letting it be.

8. Brook Nevin – for going over to Eden’s house and taking dirty pictures. Thumb up, Brook!

9. Marvel Comics – thanks for letting us steal your weapons, catchphrases and characters. We’re really sorry about the current state of the Spider-Man franchise, and we hope relaunching the series with Zac fucking Effron will help. Excelsior!

10. Have we mentioned the fans? We need to mention the fans again. THE FANS!

It’s been an amazing year and we can’t wait to see what will happen next! If you see Tamara Braun, tell her to get that magical sexy ass on the internet!

See you in Genoa City!

E & P

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Oh, ABC, how you disappoint us!

We don't even watch One Life to Live, but we know what it feels like to fall in love with a gay couple and then have that couple, and the actors who portray them, thrown under a bus. It just ain't right. Poor Agnes Nixon, she must cry herself to sleep at night. She tried to tell stories that were sensitive and socially conscious. Soaps nowadays being socially conscious? Yeah, not so much.

Perhaps the PTB at ABC don't think too many viewers will really care that they are planning to shove Kish back in the closet, or that Bianca is stranded in Paris with her smoking hot wife, Reese. (Our greatest fear is that Bianca returns totally neutered. Neither straight nor gay. Poor Reese! What will become of her?) Well, in the words of the Dude, "I do mind, the Dude minds. This will not stand, ya know, this aggression will not stand, man."



Oh ABC, won't you ever learn? A fan without hope is a fan without fear - even if the fan is not technically a fan, but a fan of the fan community full of fans.

Visit http://www.savekish.com to find out how you can help.

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Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Off to Genoa City!

Many of you have asked (tweeted actually) about our thoughts on Eden's move to the Young & the Restless. Do we have an opinion about that? Well, you know we do!




We'd love to know what you think! Leave us a comment. Go on, you know you want to.
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Sunday, February 21, 2010

Whither HBO?

As we Tweeted this morning, it has come to our attention that "Shit My Dad Says" is being turned into a sitcom over at CBS with William Shatner as the infamous foul-mouthed patriarch. You can read all about it here. We follow Justin (shitmydadsays) on Twitter. He's truly funny. In a crude, profanity filled way. Not sure how they'll adjust for that on prime time television.

But the most perplexing question is -- Why hasn't HBO (or any other network) contacted us about creating a show from the brilliance of Pratt Falls? Seriously! Aren't we worthy? Wouldn't you like to see the adventures of Ellen & Portia brought to you weekly in HD? Isn't it sad that nobody has tried to make us famous yet? Except, of course, for those insanely smart Canadians at TV Guide CA who nominated us for an award.

Ah well. Nobody ever said life was fair. Just ask Eden Riegel.

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Friday, February 12, 2010

Happy Anniversary Bianca & Reese!

My how time flies when your favorite soap opera couple is maligned and mistreated! It was just one year ago that the ultimate Pratt Fail took place in Pine Valley. We are not going to recount the horrors of that event here. Let us just reiterate the fact that REESE WAS DRUNK. Drunk, people. Porcelain Ready Drunk. Or, as Jimmy Buffett would say: knee-crawlin', slip-slidin', reggy-youngin', commode-huggin' drunk. Which you would have to be to kiss Zach. (Sorry Kendall, just our opinion.)

Ok, now that that's taken care of.... Let's reminisce about how gorgeous Bianca and Reese's wedding was and forget the rest of the crap that preceded and followed it (and was inter-cut within it). GrrrrArrgghhh.

But, oh the pretty!



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Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Awards Season is Here & We're Nominated

Well, color us surprised! We've been nominated for an award. Can you believe it? We can't. And yet it's true! Those sweet, insightful folks over at TV GUIDE CA have deemed us worthy. We're so humbled, we're so honored, we're so shocked.

We think it's quite hysterical that we're nominated along side Imaginary Bitches & Venice! Oh the irony.... And we're pretty sure there's as much of a chance of us winning that award as there is for a hummingbird to fly to the planet Mars with the Washington Monument tied to its tail.

OUTSTANDING WEB SERIES OR SPECIAL
Anyone But Me
Buppies
Diary Of A Single Mom
Michael Fairman’s Guiding Light Daytime Emmy Award Tribute (four-minute version)
Imaginary Bitches — A Very Special Emmy Bitches Special
Pratt Falls
Then We Got Help!
Y&R’s Kitty — True Soap Story
Venice

Check out all of the 2010 Soap Opera Spirit Award Nominations here.

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Friday, February 5, 2010

Portia's Top 10 Bianca & Reese Moments * #1 *

#1 "A sacred act. One that is blessed by all who witness it."

video

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Again with the GrrrrArrgghh


Has Pratt been hired by Google Video? That might be one explanation for why the videos are available, then unavailable, then available, then not. It's a wee bit annoying, isn't it? We apologize for the inconvenience.



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Monday, February 1, 2010

Portia's Top 10 Bianca & Reese Moments #3 & #2

Re-watching all these clips from last year has made me so sad. Angry and sad. There's so much potential for this couple! I could go on and on and rant for days about the injustice done to the show by Pratt's butchering of the characters and -- . No. No, I shall not descend into the morass of evilness that is Pratt's legacy. I shall instead be the Gal at the Crossroads Looking with Hope and High Vision to The Choosing of a New and Better Future. Let us all pray that the new AMC head writers convince TPTB that the show needs Bianca and Reese, because without them, Pine Valley has no heart or soul.


#3 The hug heard 'round the world.

video
We all knew Bianca and Reese were going to ride off into the sunset together. But who knew they would set a land speed record for quickest reconciliation in the history of soaps? Are these not the two people who got into trouble for --as Eden so aptly put it in our interview -- "not knowing a lick about each other before having a baby together" ? Wouldn't it have made more sense if -- Oops, almost did it again. Trying to insert logic into a world that had none. This moment was filmed post Pratt's hatchet job on Eden. I always kind of saw it as Eden coming back to rescue Tamara and save her from the Pirate-Shirted Menace. Either way -- whether you view it as Bianca and Reese's much deserved, albeit super-speedy, reconciliation, or Eden and Tamara's au revoir to AMC, the emotion was genuine and there was buckets full of it.


#2 I would rather dance.

video
I don't need to explain the appeal of this to anyone, do I? The dancing? The eye sex? More than the massage and "Get me out of these clothes" - it was this moment that made my panties fly off. And I haven't seen my Straight Card since.

To be continued....
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