Monday, December 13, 2010

Emergency Missive to the Head Writers at All My Children

TO: David & Donna; Donner & Blitzen; Laurel & Hardy
FROM: The Pratt Falls Chicks
SUBJECT: PLEASE! We are begging you! Do Not Ignore Our Warnings!

Dear Starsky & Hutch, if you are still the Head Writers at AMC by the time this reaches you, we implore you, we beg you, we beseech you: BRING BACK REESE! Offscreen references to Bianca's legally wedded, smoking hot wife will not suffice. We repeat: Offscreen references can no longer be counted on to mollify the masses.

Bianca NEEDS her wife. REESE must be returned to Pine Valley ASAP. This is not just what we're hoping and wishing for! This is the only way to avoid complete and total anarchy in the Forest of Marginalized Gay Folk.

 We've warned you before, to no avail. Did you care when we told you about the Rainbow Unicorns' Rampaging Stampede through the Forest causing brutal mutilation of the Stardust Glitter Fairies?!  No you did not.

Did you heed our warning about the Killer Attack Bunnies? Or even inquire about the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, the only known defense against Killer Rabbits? No, of course not.

And because of your inconsiderate, heartless, indifference to the solitary suffering of Bianca Montgomery, there are now Armed Gnomes on the loose.  Oh yes, you read that right. ARMED GNOMES.  The Forest of Marginalized Gay Folk is at DefCon 4 people!

PLEASE NOTE: Your average Garden Gnome is typically a fun loving creature. Mischievous and prone to pranking their friends, but generally harmless.  Their behavior changes drastically when under stress or after long periods of deprivation from their favorite Soap Opera Couple.  It must also be noted, that Gnomes are particularly fond of Miranda and even the ill-begotten Gabby.  Rumor has it that Garden Gnomes are the unknown protectors of Secret Sperm. We cannot, however, definitively confirm or deny this claim.

Armed Gnomes are said to be particularly fierce this time of year - snow covered, vertically challenged, heathens from the North. Lets hope Santa's Elven Army doesn't join their hellish brigade. That's the last thing anyone wants: gnomes and elves attacking innocent gingerbread houses with fiery fruit cakes and boiling egg nog. The inhumanity of it all!

In addition to alerting you to the impending crisis, the Gnomes have asked us to relate to you a List of Demands.  We have translated from the original Gnome language as best we can:

1. Return Reese must to Bianca and her wee ones.
2. Lovey Dovey Goo Goo Eyes for the Reese all the times with much Bianca.
3. Snarl barking permissible for purposes only to make Sexy Eyes again again again.
4. Much wee ones huggy huggy time.

There were several more demands that are, frankly, indecipherable, but if we are able to translate them, we promise to send them along. Several references to Fedora's and ties were made. We're not sure why.

Please study the reconnaissance photo below, taken just this morning. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.  Bring back Reese and give Bianca the Love Story she deserves or the Gnomes Will Attack!


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