We'll Always Have Paris

Dear Friends,

As many of you have probably noticed, we have been mostly silent throughout the AMC & OLTL

cancellation debacle. We are sure it perplexes you, and perhaps even, pisses you off. Please be assured, it was not an easy decision for us, nor one that was made lightly.

Who knew that when we decided to animate ourselves two years ago and strike a satiric blow against Chuck Pratt and AMC in defense of Eden Riegel that our supercilious silliness would result in instant internet fame! (Fame, but alack, no fortune.) No matter! We did it for love, not money. And we would do it again (indeed, WILL do it again) should Eden (or Tamara or Chrissie) ever be so maligned and mistreated in so shameful a manner by people who should really, know better.

Over the past two years, as we continued our cavalcade of corny jokes, clever quips and unconditional love for the characters of Bianca and Reese and the women who've brought them to life, we've tried hard to evolve and emulate the best qualities of the characters we hold so dear. (In other words, we're hoping to be nicer, kinder, gentler people. AND IT'S FUCKING HARD.)

Ranting and raving and wringing ourselves into knots over the state of affairs at All My Children has not been as satisfying or productive as we'd hoped. And yet, we do not regret for a moment any of the time and effort we have put in to trying to draw attention to the importance and relevance of Bianca Christine Montgomery and her smoking hot wife, Reese. And yet . . .

. . . well, we can only hope that we've made a small bit of difference. We hope that, even though we've been fighting for a lost cause as far as Binks goes, it's not all been wasted time. This is a battle worth fighting. As long as actors get hate mail for portraying gay characters, and same sex marriage is illegal across most of the USA, and legislators write laws proclaiming you can't say gay, then we need to keep fighting. And we will.

Here's the thing. We're not going to continue fighting by creating more videos with the Pirate Shirted Menace or the Bespectacled Bastard. A wise man once said:  "If once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will." Ok, Yoda said it. Still, wise words. Are we shallow people if we look to Star Wars for moral advice? We don't think so. Consider this: Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.  Haven't we all suffered enough?

We're committed to turning over a new leaf. Plus, our lives (the actual real ones, not the animated ones) are on the brink of big changes. Unfortunately it is still necessary to protect our true identities, so we can't give you any real details, but we will tell you that these changes involve dramatic (temporary?) re-locations for the both of us, which will result in fun new stamps in our passports!

Very soon Portia will have to handle being subjected to gelato, pasta, and copious amounts of red wine on a daily basis while risking overexposure to all things Renaissance. Meanwhile Ellen is trying to figure out how she will contend with Medieval mayhem, serious potential for numerous encounters with men in kilts, and a permanent stay at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry (or, at least, a stay down the street from Hogwarts). Still and all, changes that fall into the OMG WTF AM I DOING? category and cause you to reassess and reevaluate your life choices.

In other words, much like Eden and Tamara, we're moving on. Not to other fictional soap towns or to very real motherhood, but fear not! – we aren’t abandoning our post. We'll still keep tweeting and blogging and acting silly. We'll still defend and protect our girls, too. We'll sign petitions, and write letters and make phone calls and express our love for soaps, but we're not going to make anymore sarcastic, scathing, mean-spirited videos. We're going to focus on the love, not the hate. We think Binks would approve.

So in conclusion let us say:

We love soap operas. We particularly love All My Children and especially love the fabulous Kane women and we undeniably adore Bianca. We want her story to go on forever, and we really, really, really want Bianca to get the love and respect she so richly deserves.

We think Agnes Nixon created a masterpiece when she created All My Children, and there's no reason in the world, except corporate greed and laziness, that the show should not be successful for as long as people are still human beings. For as much as people need food and shelter, they need and crave and seek out stories.

Who knows why we are captivated by some stories and not others? Why some characters inspire us and touch our hearts or make us melt into puddles and turn us into lovesick saps?

Did we want to lose our Straight Cards because of Eden and Tamara's ridiculously seductive, outrageously sexy, incredibly poignant, deliciously sweet daily displays of hot eye sex? No, we did not. And yet, we were unable to resist the power of so much pretty. Yes, it's ridiculous, we know that! But isn't it part of the allure and charm of soap operas, that certain characters and couples can have an inexplicable effect on our hearts?

Stories are powerful. Unfortunately the people in control of the stories don't always play fair, or play nice. Sometimes they want to take their ball and go home and count their money.

Instead of railing against the unfairness of it all, or doing our best to publicly shame those we feel are most responsible for this travesty, we have chosen to step back and use the small voice we have to say "Thank you."

Thank you Agnes Nixon for creating Erica Kane and her daughters. For bringing socially relevant stories to daytime tv and making 40 years of life in Pine Valley entertaining, frustrating and heartwarming.



Thank you Susan Lucci for coming down from Mount Olympus to bring us the brilliant, gorgeous, complex, delightful dynamo, Erica Kane into our puny little lives.





Thank you Christina Bennett Lind for letting us call you "Chrissie" and keeping Bianca alive and well. You had an impossible task and you stepped in and have played the part with integrity, grace and beauty. You deserve every accolade we can think of to express our gratitude. 

Thank you Tamara Braun for being your sweet, smoking hot, dairy free self; for taking on the role of Reese and persevering through the most egregious, flagrant fuckery ever perpetrated against a character, straight or gay. For giving Reese both depth and pathos, and for revealing to us all the astounding sexiness of the world's most gentle, sweet and beloved little lesbian, Bianca Montgomery.

And to Eden Riegel. What can we say that we haven't already said? Thank you for your grace, your kindness, and your generosity. Thank you for sharing your time with us, on television and over twitter. Thank you for watching our ridiculous videos, reading our goofy blog posts and letting us interview you. Thank you for the laughter and tears we’ve shared over the years. You are one in a million. You are better than a Real Life Disney Princess. You are the sweetest human being in the history of human beings. And Blueberry is one lucky kid.

And, of course, we thank you for naming Blueberry after us…

What? “Pellen” is a great name!

Seriously, Eden, thank you for taking the high road, as it gave us the once in a lifetime chance to take the low road, a road that has enriched our lives and brought us so much joy. Not to mention the fun we've had!

And finally, thanks to all of you who have read the blog, watched our videos and followed us on Twitter. Your spirit, strength, and humour have been the greatest gift over these last two years. We hope you will stick with us on the next phase of our Pratt Falls journey!

Much love,

Ellen  &  Portia

Questions for Chrissie!

Did you know that our buddies over at The Pine Valley Exposer are going to be interviewing Christina Bennett Lind? AND, they are asking for folks to send them questions! (Deadline is Wed, Dec. 8)

How could we resist this sparkly opportunity to engage with Pine Valley's Loneliest Lesbian? We couldn't!


So, without further ado:


Here are our thoughtful, insightful, penetrating, erudite, sensitive questions for Chrissie:



From Ellen:
1. If you could write Bianca's next storyline, what would you like to see happen?

2. Has metaphorical motherhood been a challenge?

3. Have you heard of "Kinks"?

4. Do you realize that you have been actively participating in "Kinks" since accepting the role?

5. Is Susan Lucci's hair full of secrets?

6. Is it okay to call you Chrissie?

From Portia:
1. Cake or Pie?

2. If there were a cosmic soap opera world collision, and Pine Valley mystically converged with Genoa City, and Bianca Montgomery was charged with a crime she obviously didn't commit, but put her into the same orbit as hot shot lawyer Heather Stevens, would Binks put the moves on her?

2a. What moves would they be?

3. If Binks met Heather, would their proximity to one another cause all surrounding carbon based life forms to crystallize into rock candy sugar formations?

4. How exactly do you "practice eye sex"?

5. Did anybody warn you about us?

6. Who's your favorite Disney Princess?

Gee, we hope Chrissie chooses one or two of our questions to answer! We'll be quivering with fevered anticipation until the interview is published!

And, Chrissie -- if you want to answer any of our questions directly -- or send us a cease and desist order -- you can email us: prattfalls(at)yahoo.com.

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AMC: Pratt Falls * Thanksgiving Special

The Post Where Ellen & Portia Try to Interview Eden & Tamara

So, here are the burning questions we came up with to ask Eden & Tamara! Will we succeed in scoring an interview with the Dynamic Duo? Well, considering that we're not savvy tv journalists or hip soap opera insiders, just two maniacal fans wanting to know more about their favorite gals, we think -- probably not.

Add to that the fact that the ever elusive, internet-free Tamara Braun is probably still blissfully unaware of our existence, we think our chances of a response are slim and none.

But will that stop us from trying? Hell no! We're as plucky as any other animated characters out there in the world fighting for truth, justice and a little respect for the Best. Soap. Couple. Ever.


QUESTIONS FOR EDEN:

1) Eden, is filming a scene where a guy, who's supposed to be your brother-in-law, is all up in your junk delivering your baby in the wreckage of a tornado, as awkward as shooting a steamy sex scene with a guy you hardly know or barely like? Wait, have you ever filmed a steamy sex scene with a guy, – ever? Do you think the one steamy sex scene you got with Reese actually counts as steamy considering she was wearing a turtle neck?

2) Eden, now that you've given birth to two fictional children, what would you say is the toughest part about fictional motherhood?

3) Eden, Canadians do it better. Yay or nay?


QUESTIONS FOR TAMARA:

1) Tamara, did you attempt to meet any neurotic, sexually confused, angry, bi-sexual lesbians that you could interview in preparation for your role as Reese? Where do those women hang out? (We want to avoid them at all costs.)

2) Tamara, can you explain the physics behind falling at the perfect angle to hit a glass decantor with your face, thus causing said decanter to shatter and cause both literal and metaphorical blindness?

3) Tamara, in a fight between Sonny Corinthos and Zach Slater, who would pull out the measuring stick first? And by measuring stick we really mean a measuring stick.


QUESTIONS FOR EDEN & TAMARA:

1) Who is your favorite Disney Princess, and why?

2) If Bianca and Reese had had a Jewish wedding, could they have avoided all the subsequent heartache? After all, if Reese had downed a bottle of Manischewitz the night before, as apposed to a bottle of Scotch, the only thing she would have made out with is a bagel with schmeer.

3) We understand that the Emmy Award, which each of you are now the proud recipients of, stands 15.5 inches (39 cm) tall with a base diameter of 7.5 inches (19 cm) and weights 88 oz (5.5 pounds or 2.5 kg). Do you ever wonder what potential injuries might be inflicted if someone hurled an Emmy statue in the general direction of a pirate-shirted producer/head writer? We only ask because we wonder about it obsessively.

4) In your final appearance on AMC when you reconcile, was this simply a heartfelt reunion hug between Bianca and Reese, or was it in fact Tamara crying tears of joy and relief because Eden promised she'd finally take her away from the bad man?

5) Do you ever brag to your other actor friends about how your combined hotness has caused massive numbers of heterosexual women to turn in their "straight cards"?

6) Follow up -- Has AfterEllen ever contacted you in regards to naming an award in your honor?

7) As profoundly frakked up as the Bianca and Reese storyline became, did you remain thankful that the physical relationship between the characters was never limited to baking cookies and holding hands in church?

and our final question:

8) We know that you both have legions of devoted, loving, faithful fans - have any of them ever done anything that compares to the utter absurdity of PRATT FALLS?

###

No one suspects the butterfly.

As so often happens with us -- we were totally concentrated on one thing -- our "It Was My Fault" Fiasco Derby, when we were completely distracted by a random thought.

Being the creative types that we are, we had to follow the random thought, because random almost always leads to adventure, and we are nothing if not adventurous. Or foolhardy, or suffering from ADD. It all depends on your point of view.

We were discussing our excitement surrounding Reese's imminent arrival in Pine Valley. Which of course led to an expository treatise regarding Miranda's Halloween Costume in the 10/30 episode. We were perplexed -- why is Miranda not all decked out as a Disney Princess? She is the perfect age for Princess-Wear and AMC is on ABC and ABC is wholly owned and operated by the Mouse, so why no tiara for our favorite tyke? So not fair.

The conversation went something like this:

PORTIA: I'm guessing Miranda has multiple Halloween Costumes. One for school. One for the obligatory kids Halloween Party and one for actual Trick-or-Treating purposes.

ELLEN: And one for wearing on an airplane across the Atlantic Ocean.

PORTIA: I suppose it was necessary to have a costume for Miranda in which she had a mask that obscured her face, otherwise how do you justify Bianca not recognizing her own daughter?

ELLEN: Too bad. Seeing Miranda dressed up as a Disney Princess would have been adorable.

PORTIA: Which princess do you think Mimo would have chosen?

ELLEN: I think we can eliminate the obvious contenders: Cinderella & Snow White. Those would have been logical choices when she was younger, but Miranda is too savvy and independent to continue to emulate such weak role models. Adorable as they may be.

PORTIA: Interesting. I think she might go for Jasmine. Jasmine is smart, sassy and the costume is a little bit sexy and, bonus! looks like it would still be comfortable even after consuming your own weight in chocolate.

ELLEN: Pocahontas is out because, even though she was a bona fide Princess, albeit Native American style, part of the Princess appeal is unfettered wealth, conspicuous consumption and pretty shoes.

PORTIA: Good point.

ELLEN: Sleeping Beauty has good hair and the dress is nice, but she's asleep for the better part of the movie --

PORTIA: -- and the whole "Kendall in a Coma" - Sleeping Beauty metaphor is going to quickly become overplayed, so that's not an option.

ELLEN: Now, Mulan is a possible choice. I can totally see Bianca & Reese being ultra PC and supporting Mimo in "color blind casting."

PORTIA: Wow, you've given this a lot of thought, haven't you?

ELLEN: Please! Is there anything I love more then Disney? No. I still watch Beauty and the Beast regularly. (Don't judge!)

PORTIA: Well, as long as we're revealing deep dark secrets, I suppose now is as good a time as any to admit to owning every piece of Little Mermaid paraphernalia in existence.

ELLEN: Ariel comes in a close second. But Belle and I are the same person (minus the animation, anorexia, French village, brawny but dangerous stalker, dancing candelabra and beastly love interest). As a kid my brain told me: we both are brunette (despite what my current animated self looks like), we both have a massive book obsession, and we both have quirky but lovable fathers. See? Obviously the similarities do not end. But the best thing about Belle is she has an Angela Lansbury tea pot. I'm jealous.

PORTIA: That's funny, because I adore Ariel precisely because we are complete opposites. For one thing, she has good hair. I sometimes weep when I dream of the life I could have had if I'd just been born with good hair. And a chest that could fill that seashell bra.

ELLEN: Ariel's got a lot going for her.

PORTIA: The only draw back I can see is that her hunky boyfriend has a slobbery dog.

ELLEN: Obviously Belle & Ariel are the best Disney Princesses because they had the best composer/lyricists - Alan Menken and Howard Ashman. They were golden.

PORTIA: Absolutely. They were gods. RIP Howard Ashman. The world is less shiny without you in it.....

ELLEN: I wonder who Eden Riegel's favorite Disney Princess is?

Extended pause as we each take several sips of red wine.

PORTIA: Eden Riegel IS a Disney Princess! A living, breathing, singing, dancing, sugar coated, dipped in sunshine and rainbows, authentic, 100% genuine Disney Princess.

ELLEN: OMG! You are right. You are undeniably right. How else could Eden make Saint Bianca so believable and lovable and charming, and do it in such a way that you don't want to see her bludgeoned to death with a fairy wand? Eden possesses infinite quantities of Disney Princess Magic that renders her untouchable.

PORTIA: Tamara Braun touches her. Thank god.

ELLEN: No, I mean -- untouchable, as in "cannot be harmed."

PORTIA: But what about Pratt? He threw her under a bus!!

ELLEN: Yes! But what happened? Two animated characters suddenly appeared out of nowhere and saved her starry ass.

PORTIA: Good point.

ELLEN: Ha! She pretends to be just an ordinary, every day, emmy award winning actress.

PORTIA: We should have known. How did we not know?

ELLEN: She must use her magical powers to disguise her deep inner princessabilities.

PORTIA: So that the common people are not overwhelmed by her awesomeness.

ELLEN: No one suspects the butterfly.

PORTIA: But because we're animated, her true self was revealed to us.

ELLEN: Still, I'd love to know who her favorite princess is.

PORTIA: Let's ask her.

ELLEN: Say what?

PORTIA: Sure, why not? Let's tweet her and ask her who her favorite Disney Princess is. Who knows, she might respond. She owes us one.

ELLEN: Well, we can't just ask her THAT. If we're going to try to contact her, we might as well ask her all the things we really want to know.

PORTIA: And Tamara, too! We have to have questions for Tamara!

ELLEN: OK. Let's get on it.

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So, that's how the conversation went. We'll share our interview questions next. Then we'll wait to see what kind of response we get!

We're so excited. Are you?