Our 2nd Open Letter to Chuck Pratt

November 20, 2009

Charles Pratt, Jr.
All My Children
ABC Studios
320 West 66th St.
New York, NY 10023

Mr Pratt,

Hello again. Well, it's has been two weeks and we've had no word from you, or anyone at ABC Daytime, about our original offer to purchase creative control of All My Children. We're so sorry if you thought that we would slither away in shame if you ignored us. Have you not yet learned that ignoring the fans does not always result in their weary acquiescence? Or perhaps your silence is indication that you still deny our very existence? Obviously you are still immune to our cries of anguish as you destroy, decimate and demean our beloved characters with abominable behavior and ridiculous, inconsequential story lines. We could feign surprise at these developments, but we all know that this is standard operating procedure for you.

To be honest, we anticipated your inability to take our offer seriously. You've proven over and over again that you're not one to face your critics or admit mistakes. We did however harbour some hope that you might jump at the chance to leap off your own sinking ship when given the opportunity. That is why we are still willing to negotiate with you, Chuck. Unlike you, we are not unreasonable people. Our animated nature makes us resilient, resourceful and buoyant. We remain ready to throw you a life preserver -- if only you'll abandon ship.

Need we remind you, Chuckie, that we took an oath? A sacred oath to protect and defend two very special people, who, because of you, may never be seen in Pine Valley again. We find this wholly and completely unacceptable.

We readily admit that our anxiety level is peaking as we anticipate the 40th Anniversary of AMC. Everyone knows you cannot be trusted with -- . Let's be frank, Chuck. Everyone knows you cannot be trusted. Period. Full stop. Why elaborate? Your record speaks for itself. We need not enumerate your offenses. Read any soap opera forum, visit any board, your treachery is well documented and decried daily.

What we don't understand is why you persist? With the exception of Greenlee/Rebecca Budig, you clearly have no love or respect for the characters of Pine Valley, nor the actors on All My Children. It seems to us that you yearn for a canvas where you can paint your women as either conniving, duplicitous bitches or spineless, wimps easily manipulated by men half as intelligent as they are. More specifically, men who are mumbling, whining, raging dim witted bullies wielding guns, or drugs. Or both. We want to change all that Chuck. But change must begin with you. Or more to the point, with your absence.

And so we remain faithful to our original offer of $100 to purchase, as-is, a once magnificent soap opera, whose existence now is a mere mockery of it's former glory. Think about it. The show has become like a silly toy you've grown tired of playing with, and we're here to offer you real American cash money to take it off your hands.

We are most sincerely yours,

Ellen & Portia
(the Animated Ones)

PS: This offer will expire November 30, 2009. Mostly because Ellen really wants to buy the new Xbox LEGO Rock Band and it costs $49.99.

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AMC: Pratt Falls * Fiasco Derby * Oct 23, 2008

GREENLEE GETS A CLUE

Thus begins Bianca's milk drinking marathon. Pay close attention to all subsequent scenes involving adult characters having a drink. Poor Bianca is always offered milk. Apparently women who are breastfeeding can't drink anything but milk. Water is a no. Juice is a no. It's all about the dairy. No wonder Bianca goes crazy in the end. Mad Cow Disease.

This episode is a continuation of the "father/daddy/papa" freak show. Another tornado hits and in an attempt to comfort her very calm, well behaved, sound asleep newborn, Bianca coos "We're okay, your Daddy's okay, and your Aunty Kendall will be okay too." Your Other Mom, the Amazing Reese, and Big Sis Miranda -- well, apparently Bianca's not too concerned if they're okay right now or not. GrrrrArrrgghhh.

Did anyone besides Portia think Bianca looked like Edith Ann in that enormous rocking chair?

Moving on-- We get to see Bianca faint. And she faints because --gee, maybe because the absurdity of Kendall undergoing brain surgery by flashlight just registered and because, she's a Kane. They're prone to head injury and fainting spells. No need to worry. They also have Wolverine-esque healing powers.

Time to briefly reiterate once again how repetitively wonderful Reese is for Greenlee's benefit. The Reese List: she's pretty cool, she's amazing, she's a great architect, she's a great Mom to Miranda. When is Bianca going to get around to mentioning that Reese is smoking HOT?

Greenlee, the shrewdest lady in Pine Valley, quickly figures out that Baby Binks is half Cambias spawn. Her reaction is priceless. Obviously Greens has been hanging out with Ryan for too long, because she has totally mastered his signature look. Her face is a study in confusion and horror. And then Greenlee asks what fans everywhere are dying to know: "When? How?"

She is obviously thinking, "Zach and Lesbianca totally did the nasty!" Because of course this is the only way to make babies. Then Bianca forbids Greenlee from sharing this information, which is the equivalent of posting the news on twitter, Facebook and MySpace. Simultaneously.

Let's have a quick look:

Ryan Lavery's Magic Penis

As all of you have heard, Rebecca Budig, aka the “real Greenlee” is returning to Pine Valley. Some of you are thrilled to have the crème fresh covered daughter of Jackson (who?) return. Others are indifferent. We have one question: Rebecca, WHY?

When last we saw Ms. Smythe, she was on a motorcycle, wearing a wedding dress, and flying towards a Connecticut church in the middle of the night/evening/soap equivalent of “it’s dark outside now.” There may have been a lesbian wedding taking place simultaneously, we’re not sure. But we do know that Greenlee had a very important message to deliver before her unfortunate, Kendall-induced, drop off a cliff. This message: OMG! Zach and Reese totally did the nasty, IN CHURCH! Thank you, Ryan Lavery, for the incredible observation.

This entire situation could have been avoided with the following:
Ryan: Greenlee, Zach and Reese were taking part in intimate relations…IN CHURCH!.
Greenlee: For serious?
Ryan: Yah. I totally saw it.
Greenlee: Were they naked?
Ryan: No.
Greenlee: Were they sober?
Ryan: Reese was shit-faced, that is for sure.
Greenlee: So…you basically made the whole sex thing up.
Ryan: Crème fresh, anyone?

Greenlee will return from her accident, looking fresh as a daisy, only to find Ryan involved with Erica Kane. We love Erica Kane. We love Susan Lucci. We really do not love Erica Kane in a relationship with her grandson’s father. Say that three times to yourself and then grab a bucket. Really, ladies of Pine Valley, what’s the appeal? Why do you insist on jumping the Lavery train every time it’s in town (choo choo).

After much deliberation, midnight chats and booze induced stupors, we have come to this conclusion: Ryan Lavery has a magical penis. His penis is equivalent to Splash Mountain at Disneyland (grab that bucket again). The ladies line up. They all want a ride. What AMC needs is men WHO ARE NOT RYAN LAVERY, and lesbians who ARE BIANCA AND REESE.

In the end, the Greenlee return is all about money. Of course! A mark, a yen, a buck, or a pound! Think about the state of television these days? Jon Gosselin just took $230, 000 from poor, impoverished Kate. Hell, we all know that Kate has millions stashed in her hair, while Jon’s fortune is safe and sound in the butt-crack of a Las Vegas stripper. But, we digress. Greenlee is back. Budig has a job, and we love us some Rebecca Budig. Pratt is still a hack.

E & P