Charles Pratt, Jr.
All My Children
320 West 66th St.
New York, NY 10023
Hello again. Well, it's has been two weeks and we've had no word from you, or anyone at ABC Daytime, about our original offer to purchase creative control of All My Children. We're so sorry if you thought that we would slither away in shame if you ignored us. Have you not yet learned that ignoring the fans does not always result in their weary acquiescence? Or perhaps your silence is indication that you still deny our very existence? Obviously you are still immune to our cries of anguish as you destroy, decimate and demean our beloved characters with abominable behavior and ridiculous, inconsequential story lines. We could feign surprise at these developments, but we all know that this is standard operating procedure for you.
To be honest, we anticipated your inability to take our offer seriously. You've proven over and over again that you're not one to face your critics or admit mistakes. We did however harbour some hope that you might jump at the chance to leap off your own sinking ship when given the opportunity. That is why we are still willing to negotiate with you, Chuck. Unlike you, we are not unreasonable people. Our animated nature makes us resilient, resourceful and buoyant. We remain ready to throw you a life preserver -- if only you'll abandon ship.
Need we remind you, Chuckie, that we took an oath? A sacred oath to protect and defend two very special people, who, because of you, may never be seen in Pine Valley again. We find this wholly and completely unacceptable.
We readily admit that our anxiety level is peaking as we anticipate the 40th Anniversary of AMC. Everyone knows you cannot be trusted with -- . Let's be frank, Chuck. Everyone knows you cannot be trusted. Period. Full stop. Why elaborate? Your record speaks for itself. We need not enumerate your offenses. Read any soap opera forum, visit any board, your treachery is well documented and decried daily.
What we don't understand is why you persist? With the exception of Greenlee/Rebecca Budig, you clearly have no love or respect for the characters of Pine Valley, nor the actors on All My Children. It seems to us that you yearn for a canvas where you can paint your women as either conniving, duplicitous bitches or spineless, wimps easily manipulated by men half as intelligent as they are. More specifically, men who are mumbling, whining, raging dim witted bullies wielding guns, or drugs. Or both. We want to change all that Chuck. But change must begin with you. Or more to the point, with your absence.
And so we remain faithful to our original offer of $100 to purchase, as-is, a once magnificent soap opera, whose existence now is a mere mockery of it's former glory. Think about it. The show has become like a silly toy you've grown tired of playing with, and we're here to offer you real American cash money to take it off your hands.
We are most sincerely yours,
Ellen & Portia
(the Animated Ones)
PS: This offer will expire November 30, 2009. Mostly because Ellen really wants to buy the new Xbox LEGO Rock Band and it costs $49.99.