Charles Pratt, Jr.
All My Children
320 West 66th St.
New York, NY 10023
Dear Mr Pratt,
Hello Chuck. We know, you're probably not a huge fan of our work. After all, we've spent the last few months questioning your drug use, competence and sanity. We're not here to apologize, though perhaps we were at times slightly harsh. But really Chuck, you've made mistakes along the way and it would have been irresponsible not to point out these mistakes, satirize them, upload them to YouTube, and wait for fanmail.
We digress. The reason we are writing you this timely letter is because we're worried, Chuck, we're very worried. Obviously you're unhappy with your job. Being the head-writer of a 40 year-old soap opera must be very stressful. You have made this quite evident with your need to verbally abuse beloved Emmy Award Winning actresses, and commit heinous acts of character assassination (both literally - poor Stuart - and figuratively).
We know Eden Riegel can be a little overwhelming. We know you find it creepy when she repeatedly changes your environmentally unfriendly bottled water into wine with a just a well-timed flick of her perfectly manicured finger. We know it's rather strange that she is able to walk across your swimming pool. But Chuck, to not invite her back for the 40th Anniversary Show? To blame her for the failings of your groundbreaking, two year, bisexual lesbian love-story? Buddy, you go too far.
Because we are extraordinarily good people (both in reality and in animated form), we would like to help you out. Chuckles, we know you are overwhelmed by our kindness, but we're concerned for the safety and well-being of All My Children, its hardworking cast, and the future of the soap opera genre. That is why we are prepared to make a life changing offer. An offer that will free you from the daytime world, and allow you to follow your dream of creating an all-Pratt, all-the time, Melrose Place: The Prequel to the Sequel.
Chuck Pratt, we, the creative geniuses behind the hit YouTube webseries "Pratt Falls," would like to buy All My Children. We offer you $100 big ones (or $106.58 Canadian), in exchange for all creative control over Agnes Nixon's daytime masterpiece. For a limited time we will also throw in a special edition, 2 disc, Little Mermaid DVD, and an autographed 8x10 wedding photo of Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi. Accept within the next ten minutes, and we'll include a clip on reading lamp, and a Snuggie.
We are most sincerely yours,
Ellen & Portia
(the Animated Ones)
Remember, Remember the 5th of November,
The gunpowder, treason, and plot.
We see of no reason, why the gunpowder treason,
Should ever be forgot.
Except, we have no interest in spending our hard earned, non existent, cash on plastic Guy Fawkes masks or purchasing gunpowder off of eBay. We prefer verbal abuse over physical violence. The ABC studios are safe.
Cc: Robert A. Iger, President and Chief Executive Officer, The Walt Disney Company; Mr. M. Mouse, Rodent Extraordinaire
Bc: Brian Frons, President Daytime Disney-ABC Television Group; Julie Hanan Carruthers, Executive Producer - All My Children
To Be Continued...