The Bitches Answer!

To borrow and maim a phrase from our favorite veridian reptile, it's not easy being animated. Honestly, we're two lonely gals, named after two really famous lesbians, created by two straight chicks with nothing better to do. It's very rare that a TV series or movie comes along that can really touch the soul, speak to the innermost part(s) of the human psyche, and makes everyone within a 30 mile radius inappropriately horny. Enter Catherine and Heather.

Okay, they're imaginary and we're animated, but technically, our animated status makes us imaginary too! Plus, they're raging bitches and we're raging animated alcoholics! It's a match made in hell!

When we sent Catherine and Heather our interview questions, we feared that they might very well ignore us. That is why we kidnapped Robert Pattinson, covered him in whip cream and strategically placed cherries, and delivered him blindfolded and handcuffed to the very imaginary bed of the Imaginary Bitches. Try ignoring that!

Now, after a few days of waiting, and a letter from Mr. Pattinson's lawyers and a noted psychiatrist, we are proud to present Imaginary Bitches: The Interview.

Warning: The following interview contains nudity, violence, and Battlestar Galactica references. Viewer discretion is advised.

You girls are imaginary, and we're animated. You seem to hate Eden and we adore her. Do you ever fear that if the four of us were in a room together, that the simultaneous wave-like and particle-like behavior of both our matter and radiation would cause us to cancel each other out, thus making us all disappear into a black hole?

CATHERINE - If I had a nickel for everytime someone disappeared into Heather's black hole...
HEATHER - I'm not really into astrology. I only watch BSG for the outfits.


What do you think it is about Eden that makes her susceptible to being followed around by both imaginary and animated characters?

CATHERINE - I wish I knew. Because maybe then I could reverse it and finally get a chance to hang out with someone else. Someone who's idea of fun isn't training for a marathon. Sober.


Is Riley really real?

HEATHER - His farts sure are.


We hear there might be an Imaginary Bitches movie and that Anne Hathaway is being talked about for the role of Eden. Who will be cast in your parts?

CATHERINE - There aren't many imaginary actresses with more name value than us. In North America, at least. There are a couple imaginary European actresses that are getting a lot of attention, but no one wants to listen to Eden repeat things in their stupid accents. She doesn't need any more reasons to be bad.
HEATHER - And we'd sue the crap out of Andrew if he replaced us. The American Imaginary Civil Liberties Union is dying to get their hands on a high profile law suit.


What if Cameron Diaz and Salma Hayek say no?

HEATHER - Have you seen "The Box"? Cameron Diaz doesn't say no to ANY movie.
CATHERINE - Have you see Salma's hips? She doesn't say no to ANY food.


Do you have any plans to show up on Venice Beach and wreak havoc in Crystal Chappell's life?

HEATHER - I am so proud of Crystal. She's my hero. She has achieved so much and given her history, I think she's an inspiration. Very few people ever break out of porn--
CATHERINE (interrupting) - Wait, are you thinking of Crystal Chappelle? With an "e"? The girl you stripped with at the Body Shop?
HEATHER - Yeah, she's my hero. I didn't realize she got a new place in Venice.
CATHERINE - She still lives in the Valley. And she's still in porn. They're talking about a girl who held hands with another girl on a soap opera and gives a lot of interviews...
HEATHER- Ohhhh. Can Crystal with no "e" open a bottle of Champagne with her inner thighs?
CATHERINE - Probably.
HEATHER - Then she's my hero, too.
CATHERINE - Yeah, we haven't been asked to appear on Venice Beach.


Do you know how to get in touch with the ever elusive, internet free, Tamara Braun? If so, will you tell her we had to turn in our Straight Cards because of her?

CATHERINE - It's hard for her. Skinny people are afraid of technology. It's all too heavy for their tiny little arms to lift.
HEATHER - So true. I know when I've eating like a pig if I don't strain when I hold my iPhone. I picked up Eden's laptop the other day with ease and immediately started a Master Cleanse.


Who is your favorite Disney Villain?

CATHERINE - Brian Frons.


If you met Chuck Pratt in a dark alley, what might you want to say, or do, to him?

HEATHER - Question... In the alley, is he sobbing quietly to himself, or having a "play date" with a special friend named Lola?
CATHERINE - I actually have a lot of respect for Chuck.
HEATHER - Question... Is he with Rebecca? In the alley?
CATHERINE - Any brain dead moron can take advantage of a talented cast by writing stories and dialogue that play to their strengths. Big deal.
HEATHER - Is he going to make me tell him how much more awesome the new Melrose Place would be if he was writing it?
CATHERINE - And it doesn't take writing ability to utilize 40 years of a show's backstory to help craft the future.
HEATHER - Is he going to ask me to touch his Hammer of Thor?
CATHERINE - Chuck isn't lazy. He's worked his ass off to ruin All My Children. It's like they always say, "Creating something great is easy. Destroying something great is hard." The environment? The economy? It's taken decades to wreck that stuff. Chuck's done it in just a couple years. You gotta respect that.

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