AMC: Pratt Falls * Fiasco Derby * Oct 21, 2008

UP IN HER JUNK

Lest anyone accuse us of being raging bitches, we are not afraid to call out good writing. The beginning of this episode filled us with hope. Bianca, in labor, looking with fear and trepidation at the clouds, actually recalls an event in her past. Or, let us make that more clear, the writers actually remembered an event in Bianca's past! Yes, Gabby's birth bears certain similarities to Miranda's arrival into the cruel Pine Valley world. Five points Gryffindor for actually giving us, your greedy audience, some continuity and historical background. Of course all of this joy will turn to shit in the next episode, but more on that later.

PORTIA: Watching actresses "give birth" on TV makes me extremely uncomfortable. Just thought I should share that with the universe.

ELLEN: Only Saint Bianca would ask for forgiveness during labor. Seriously, the woman is in excruciating pain, and she looks up with those puppy dog eyes and says, "Zach, can you forgive me for stealing your sperm, getting myself knocked up, and then not speaking to any of my dearest, darlingest family for 7 whole months?" What's a guy like Zach to do? He melts under the Bianca Montgomery charm.

PORTIA: I'm thinking Bianca's "Are you angry with me?" + "I'm so sorry" = another point in her "It Was My Fault" column!

ELLEN: Bianca - 2; World - 0

Most Questionable line of the episode: "No one needs to know. Just you, me and Kendall." Not Reese. No, she doesn't need to know. She thinks Gabby is 50% Kane and 50% rainbows. Unfortunately, the little tyke may be the antichrist, but Reese really doesn't need to know that either. Hell, neither does Erica.

Let's review the "What We Know About Reese" List:
a) She's so amazing (again)
b) She's been so supportive
c) She was the sweetest,
d) most wonderful person.
e) Bianca "really" loves her
f) She's "the real thing" --

PORTIA: As apposed to Zarf who was -- oh, never mind.
ELLEN: Oh gawd, where's the bucket?

Best Lines of the Episode: ( perhaps of the entire Bianca/Reese story arc):
Zach: Have I told you lately how much I adore you?
Bianca: Y'know romancing the lesbian while she's in labor isn't going to help anything.
Zach: That's a good point.

Okay folks, prepare yourselves. We need to talk about the actual birthing scene.

PORTIA: Zach looks like he's watching the greatest Red Wings game ever.
ELLEN: Unfortunately, the game is taking place between Bianca's legs. Did she wedge a TV up there?

This was a graphic birth. Obviously they didn't SHOW anything, but Holy Cannoli, did we hear the details. Zach had to get up in Bianca's "No Penis Zone" and push the baby, and then lift up the umbilical cord. We freely admit to feeling complete solidarity with Zach when Bianca told him he had to push the baby's head back and he squeamishly asked: "I gotta what?!?"

<<insert full body shudder here>> Thank god no one has ever had to rely on either one of us to deliver anything more important than a pizza.

PORTIA: Wouldn't you love to see the Props List for this episode?
1 blanket
1 large pot for boiling water
1 newborn infant, semi-bloody, preferably female

So the baby is born in the midst of a tornado and Zach...lifts it high into the air. There's a lot of lightening. This is no time for the Lion King. Or maybe, it's always a good time for the Lion King? Regardless, Gabby's tears are only the beginning. She weeps for the future. She weeps for her DNA. She weeps for Eden Riegel.

Well, watch and tell us what you think!