Reason #457 Why We Should Be Head Writers at All My Children

WARNING: Excessive ALL CAPS abuse runs rampant through out this post.
Picture us watching today's episode of All My Children and insert string of unladylike expletives here. 

PORTIA:   %$&#*!@# Don't the "Good Story Telling Rules" still include "Show, Don't Tell"  ?

ELLEN: Of course they do! And not only that, "Show, Don't Tell" is especially useful when writing for a visual medium such as -- television!

PORTIA:  Well as far as I can tell, All My Children is still a television show. Though just barely.

ELLEN: Damn! I was so excited when we read the spoilers about Mimo being rushed to the hospital. Some actual DRAMA, potentially involving Bianca!!

PORTIA: Mimo!!

ELLEN:  I love Mimo almost as much I love and adore Bianca.

PORTIA: And her other Mommy, the Ever Illusive Pine Valley Averse Reese.

ELLEN: NuMimo looks like a 7 year old Eden clone. It makes my heart hurt.

PORTIA: I still love original recipe Mimo. Wonder what Haley's up to these days?

ELLEN: I wonder if she has a Messiah Complex. If not she certainly deserves one.

PORTIA:  I just don't understand AMC!  C'mon, is this the way to create drama ??

1) put a small, adorable, universally cherished, messianic child in danger but DON'T ACTUALLY SHOW HER IN DANGER
2) have her new found friend, the crusty, old curmudgeon rescue her but DON'T ACTUALLY SHOW HIM RESCUING HER

ELLEN:  Excellent job guys! The suspense is killing us. What happens next? Mimo is saved but we DON'T ACTUALLY GET TO SEE HER RESUSCITATED?

PORTIA:  Well, y'know, where's the excitement in seeing any of that stuff?  Maybe, if we're lucky we'll get to see something fun and different and exciting tomorrow like, like -- MARISSA CRYING! Wouldn't THAT be GREAT? Can't wait to see that. Again. Forty days and forty nights of non stop crying courtesy of Marissa. Gah!

ELLEN: Poor Bianca is the one separated from her smoking hot wife, she's got something to cry about. But does she cry? No! She babysits and plans parties.

PORTIA: Marissa is so mopey she almost makes me wish Babe would come back from the dead just to slap her.

ELLEN: Why do you say such horrible things?

PORTIA: Sorry, it must the bourbon and the broken dreams.

ELLEN: And what is with Caleb and Angie and the faux dramatic pause over Mimo's body???? Shouldn't they be taking her to the hospital ASAP?

PORTIA: Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

ELLEN: It should have looked like this:

1. Angie, stumbling around, the house FULL OF SMOKE.

PORTIA: Come on AMC, we'll host a fundraiser to buy you guys a damn smoke machine.

ELLEN:
2. Caleb barreling into Miranda's SMOKE FILLED room, pulling her little lifeless body from the haze.
3. Angie and Caleb rushing out the door to the sound of ambulances and cop cars in the air. Lots of smoke.

PORTIA: LOTS AND LOTS OF SMOKE.

ELLEN:
4. Quick cut to Bianca, as she falls to the ground screaming in pain - something is wrong with Miranda!

PORTIA: But everything will be alright. . . because .... it has to be.

ELLEN:
5. Quick cut to Kendall, screaming for Bianca because she feels Binks feeling Mimo in danger!
6. Quick cut to European city. It's night. Erica Kane wakes from a disturbed sleep. Her eyes flash -

PORTIA:  KANE BABY INJURED! JACK WAKE UP! KANE BABY INJURED!


ELLEN:
7. Quick cut to Gabrielle, holding wire cutters and matches.

PORTIA:  *cue Addam's family theme*

ELLEN:
8. Cut to Reese. Slouching over a table in a sleazy French bar holding a glass of cheap wine.

PORTIA: Mumbling incoherently over and over: "this is all my fault!"

ELLEN:  WHY ARE WE NOT THE HEAD WRITERS OF THIS SHOW?!?!?!

PORTIA: WHY ARE THE CURRENT WRITERS LAZY AND CHEAP?!?!?

ELLEN: They didn't have a bedroom set so everything was offscreen?

PORTIA:  Please!  With a smoke machine and a Little Mermaid blanket they could have turned AJ's room into Miranda's room. Easy.

ELLEN: Do you think CBL will be able to successfully pull off Bianca in Mama Bear mode?

PORTIA: The real question is will they even bother to show us Bianca?

ELLEN: GrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrAArrgghhhhh

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Just a few random thoughts . . .

Even though we're still waiting for Y&R to give Eden the big, juicy, romantic, heroic and epic storyline she so richly deserves, we're mighty happy with their Wardrobe Dept. & folks responsible for dream sequences.

Exhibit A:

 
Exhibit B:

We like to give praise where praise is due!

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Yea! NO H8!

Finally! Prop 8 is overturned in California. We know there's still a long way to go before America catches up with more civilized countries like, oh - Canada! And Argentina, Belgium, Iceland, Netherlands, Norway, Portugal, South Africa, Spain and Sweden. But it's movement in the right direction.

Now, if we could only get the asshats at All My Children to bring back Reese so that Bianca could be reunited with her WIFE, we'd be truly happy.  In the meantime, we'll celebrate today's victory.

Do a little dance. Make a little love. Get down tonight.

Monumental Mythic Musings

Please let the title of this post serve as a warning to you, dear reader, that deep philosophical, sorta-pseudo metaphysical Joycean-style Joseph Campbell induced ramblings are on the way.  We'll spare you any sort of attempt to justify this exchange. We're an odd pair of chicks who delight in over-analyzing our Bianca/Eden/Tamara/Reese obsession.  We include it here for your amusement.  As always, feel free to comment....


PORTIA:  What are you doing?

ELLEN: Nothing, what are you doing?

PORTIA:  Having a philosophical crisis.

ELLEN: Actually, I'm contemplating eating this bag of M&Ms while my brain degenerates into post-thesis mush.

PORTIA:  Why would you contemplate eating M&Ms? Just eat them for god's sake.

ELLEN:  Would the Loathly Lady eat M&Ms if offered to her?

PORTIA:  Unless you & the Loathly Lady are planning to get into bikinis this weekend there is no good reason NOT to eat the M&Ms.

ELLEN:  Good point.

PORTIA: Ok, can we talk about my crisis now?

ELLEN:  Proceed.

PORTIA:  I think I have a new theory on why I might be Bianca/Eden obsessed.

ELLEN:  Might be?

PORTIA:  Ok, fine. I can own it.  I am obsessed.  But I think I have figured out why.  Finally.

ELLEN: Ok, what is it?

PORTIA:  Well, you're aware that I do like me some serious mythology and am deeply interested in philosophy and frighteningly prone to over-analyzing stories that interest me.

ELLEN:  And it's just one of the many reasons why I love you.

PORTIA:  Sarcasm aside, Miss I Have A Masters Thesis in Medieval Literature, I have come to a very profound insight about our dear, beloved Bianca.

ELLEN:  Does our dear, beloved Bianca even exist anymore? Now that she's not Eden, or Eden is not Bianca? And Bianca is without Reese? I mean, the new chick is fine.  She seems to be a lovely person and a very good, competent actor, but...

PORTIA:  She's not Eden.  I know. . . but CBL is not what I want to talk about right now.

ELLEN: Ok, what is this blinding, profound insight?

PORTIA:  Well, I am reading these two Joseph Campbell books --

ELLEN: Simultaneously?

PORTIA:  Yes.  Do you have a problem with that?

ELLEN: No.

PORTIA:  Yes you do.  You think it's weird.

ELLEN:  No I don't.

PORTIA:  Look at you!  You're eating the M&Ms color by color.

ELLEN:  So?  I like to be organized.

PORTIA: Whatever.  According to Joe, --

ELLEN:  Are you on a first name basis now?

PORTIA:  As a matter of fact, yes.  According to Joe, the first function of mythology is "reconciliation" of the brutality of life with a gratitude for the sweetness of life.

ELLEN: Bianca knows about the brutality of life.

PORTIA:  I know! Right?  And, civilization's first mythologies affirm that even though life is full of "bitterness and pain" at it's core, our primary experience of life is sweetness.

ELLEN:  My primary experience of life right now is sweetness, but I think it has more to do with gratitude for the M&Ms than with primitive mythology.

PORTIA:  C'mon!  This is important.  Seriously, I can't overstate how significant I think this is!! -- The first mythologies were ones of affirmation of life. Reconciling the brutality and bitterness with the ultimate sweetness. Now if that is not the very heart and soul of Bianca Christine Montgomery's character, I don't know what is!!

ELLEN:  Well, it's true, everything in Bianca's history is proof that the poor girl has suffered plenty.

PORTIA:  And through it all she remained a good, life affirming person.

ELLEN:  Ok, but ... this isn't exactly a news flash.  We've always known Bianca is practically a saint.  I mean, she did give birth to the Messiah, Little Mimo.  And did you notice, the NuMimo looks exactly like Eden at age 7, which I think is weird.  But whatever, at least Bianca has her babies back.

PORTIA:  Focus Ellen, focus!  Think about Bianca in mythic terms, and consider all that she has suffered and how she always, ALWAYS stays a good person!  A "life-affirming" person!  I'm convinced it has raised the level of the character to mythic standing.

ELLEN:  Ooooh, I see what you mean.  Do you think Agnes ever read Joseph Campbell?

PORTIA:  Who knows.  But, you know, merely writing a character with this quality is not enough.  Having Bianca be played by an actor that physically, emotionally and intellectually projects the same sentiment is what is critical.

ELLEN: AMC had no idea how lucky there were.  Finding Eden for Bianca was catching lightening in a bottle. It doesn't matter how talented a recast is, or whether the writers are able to come up with something moving and brilliant, Bianca without Eden is not Bianca. You've actually put your finger on why this is true.

PORTIA:  It's not as simple as "we love Eden because she's so sweet and fun and cute!"  Bianca + Eden = MONUMENTAL MYTHIC MAGIC.

ELLEN:  Ok, you might have a propensity to overstate things a wee bit. Poor CBL, I wonder if she knew she was stepping into mythic shoes?  And it's so true, that no matter what life, or Pratt, has thrown at Eden, she seems to respond with complete and utter kindness and a belief that the world is ultimately good.  Just like Bianca does.

PORTIA:  Yes!  And in this day and age, when so many people are so deeply bitter and negative about EVERYTHING, it's refreshing and reassuring to see people, real and fictional, who still believe in the sweetness of life.

ELLEN:  Uh, yeah, so, what makes this a philosophical crisis?

PORTIA:  Well, there's more!  You know the whole "follow your bliss" stuff, right?

ELLEN:  Whatever the frak that means.

PORTIA:  According to Joe "bliss" is "that deep sense of being present, of doing what you absolutely must do to be yourself."  Again -- Hello Bianca!!  Her coming out story is all about doing what you absolutely must do to be yourself.

ELLEN:  And if Pratt hadn't ruined it, we might also have gotten to see Reese live out that kind of story.

PORTIA:  GrrrrrArrrggghhhh.

ELLEN:  That asshat's fuckery not only deprived us of the hottest lesbian eye sex on television, he damn near destroyed a mythic character!!  I had no idea I could despise him more deeply than I already did but I think I do.

PORTIA:  And may I just add, on the subject of Reese, I think one reason Reese is so important to the Bianca story is that her love for Bianca --hot eye sex being just one major indicator-- is proof of Bianca's wisdom in believing in the sweetness of life.

ELLEN:  If there is anything sweeter than those two together with Miranda and their ill-begotten baby Gaby, I don't know what it is.

PORTIA:  Good ole Joe also said that "the first function of mythology is to evoke in the individual a sense of grateful, affirmative awe before the monstrous mystery that is existence."

ELLEN:  That's deep.  And All My Children is frequently a monstrous mystery.

PORTIA:  Somehow, someway, despite what was written for their characters, Eden and Tamara created a bond between Bianca & Reese that is indestructible and indescribably sweet.  I mean, their wedding vows, for example, were so beautiful, and despite having to watch Greenlee drive herself off a cliff during their wedding ceremony, I felt full of that "grateful, affirmative awe."

ELLEN:  Ah ha! So this is why you made all those sappy music videos.

PORTIA:  Goddamnit! I WANT THEM BACK ON MY TV TOGETHER NOW AND FOREVER. Because while the rest of the world sucks donkeyballs those two made me believe in "the sweetness of life."

ELLEN:  And that there is your crisis.  I completely understand.

PORTIA:  I knew you would.

ELLEN:  Have some M&Ms.

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Distracted from Distraction by Distraction

Hi! We're not going to comment on Christina Bennett Lind's debut as Bianca.  Not yet anyway.  The gal needs a chance to find her feet and interact with all the other characters.  And besides, we now have more important things to worry about!  Do you follow us on Twitter? (Why the hell not? It's big fun!)

As you may have noticed on AMC recently, Bianca received a call from her lovely wife Reese, and we see on Binks' phone the caller ID.  It says "Reese".  We found this to be wholly inadequate and we tweeted about it.

The tweets went something like this:

How come when Reese calls Bianca her ID just says "Reese" ? Wouldn't it be more accurate if it said "My Smoking Hot Wife" ?

Now we're involved in rather intense speculation regarding ring tones and Caller IDs. We are not normal people, but this you already knew...

Hey @edenriegel when Tamara Braun calls you is the ringtone FEVER & does the caller ID say "The Smoking Hot Ever Elusive Internet Free TB" ?

@edenriegel & when you call TB does a Heavenly Choir + Chimes alert her that "Real Live Disney Princess ER" is on the line? Just wondering?

Well, we were very surprised and pleased when one Ms. Eden Riegel responded!

Can you believe it? We couldn't quite believe it.

So, what do you think Eden's nickname is for Tam?  We've been feverishly speculating, but haven't come up with an answer ... yet!

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