Wednesday, January 6, 2010

The World's First Accidental Lesbian Pregnancy!

Dear Reader,
the following is a moderately edited version of an email conversation that took place between Ellen & Portia today. We include it here for your enjoyment. As always, your comments and questions are encouraged and welcome.
The Editors*

*****************

PORTIA:
I'm feeling puny today. I woke up with strep throat. I called in sick, so I think I might work on my Bianca/Reese Top 10 Moments List.
Watching TB try to seduce ER over and over again with her sexy eyes certainly won't make me feel any worse! Aspirin - check! Hot Tea - check! Hot TB - check!!!

ELLEN:
ER must have extraordinary willpower. Or she's really, really straight. Or just a really great actress. TB was at her best during the "Bianca Tests Reese" debacle. The script called for Reese to stay in PV for work, but TB must have decided against such silly behavior.

Zach: What does your gut tell you?
Reese: To stay home and work while my wife is alone in her hotel room. *gives Bianca the come hither eyes*
Audience: Reese, your gut is wrong!
Tamara: Fuck this shit. *makes more sexy eyes*
Audience: Confusion/Arousal/Confusion
Pratt: You're ruining my masterpiece!!!!

PORTIA:
You bring up a subject I've not seen discussed before, so let's dive right in, shall we? TB undoubtedly threw all her sexy moves at ER. She opened up that arsenal and did not withhold anything (IMO). But to me, it always looked like that when it came to locking lips, it was ER that "went for it". God almighty that woman looked like she was going to suck the life out of TB sometimes! More than once I got the impression that TB was thinking -- "
What have I unleashed?!?" Think about Bianca's chaste, virginal kisses of yore w/Lena and Maggie. Then we get Bianca w/Reese and she is suddenly kissing like, -- well, ok, actually like a normal human being in love, not a shy, scared, 13 year old. It always makes me giggle.

Mature, I know.


ELLEN:
The only time I've seen Bianca really throw herself into a kiss, other than Reese, is with Leo. That Eden is a smart girl. She was given a once in a lifetime opportunity to kiss Josh Duhamel and ran with it. It seems that censorship has changed since the Lena/Maggie days, maybe Eden was just taking advantage of her freedom.

Insert massive paragraph about the potential of further Breese stories/the unfairness of their absense/their hotness/hotness=ratings/I miss Breese/Fuck you Pratt/Lorraine fix this/Eden and her bangs need to convince TB that AMC is the place to be.

Apparently there was a Breese mention on AMC today. It seems that Bianca and Reese are alive and well, and living in Paris...TOGETHER. We can sleep easy now, at least Pratt didn't break them up offscreen. Can we get a high quality screen cap of Binks from yesterday's show? Lets circle the "lump" in bed behind Bianca and show the world that Reese took part in the 40th anniversary.

We should also warn the general public that Miranda is starting to look like this:

The Kane woman hierarchy strikes again. Sorry Mimo, Gabby was born during a tornado. Tornado trumps Product of Rape/Stolen for Months/Symbol of All that's Good in the World.

PORTIA:
But Mimo was born during inclement weather too! Poor kid isn't getting the props she's so clearly due!

Is it really not self evident to anyone who has ever watched a moment's worth of AMC that Mimo is the Messiah and Gabby will grow up to be the Anti-Christ/Bad Seed/Reverse-Bianca child? Reese will defend her unconditionally forever and ever because Gabby being born IS HER FAULT and this will cause serious strain on B/R's relationship. (It will also be the cause of LOTS of make up sex and heartfelt reconciliations).

Only the Ghost of Mona Kane will be able to guide poor Gabby away from her destructive ways. Bianca will be giving her tough love, Reese will be pouring out the unconditional/co-dependent love and Mimo, being the Messiah/Madonna (virginal variety small "m" madonna, not that other hussy-Madonna), will tolerate her sister's despicable behavior with infinite patience and love.

So say we all.

This shit is so good it writes itself.

ELLEN:
Yes, exactly! Miranda's position as PV Messiah should be further cemented by the fact that she is made of 100% Kane. Bianca's sparkling goodness decimated all Cambias sperm. (Which technically makes Miranda's entrance into this world a virgin birth.)

The child is the second coming of Bianca, she should be worshiped accordingly. She will also produce the first Chandler/Kane baby, the ultimate in legacy character construction.

Gabrielle, on the other hand, is Kendall. What do they say on Battlestar? Everything that has happened before will happen again. She will discover her true parentage and rip half of Pine Valley a new one. I wonder if Mimo and Gabby will eventually team up, Kinks style, to defeat Emma's crusade of evilness. That child has hellspawn written all over her. Then again, Gabby and Emma may team up to bring down Saint Miranda. Or, Gabrielle might seduce Emma and surprise us all. With some SORAS'ing, the 7 year age difference shouldn't matter.

Reese will defend her unconditionally forever because Gabby being born IS HER FAULT and this will cause serious strain on B/R's relationship. (It will also be the cause of LOTS of make up sex and heartfelt reconciliations).

Oh, this is good. Not only is Gabby's birth Reese's fault, Gabby's subsequent behavior will all come back to Reese's drinking/Zach habit. That bitch.

PORTIA:
The eternal ironies of these characters could bring the fans years of enjoyment -- if only WE WERE THE HEAD WRITERS!!!

Mimo, though being born under identical circumstances to Kendall, is the anti-Kendall because she was born w/the wisdom and grace that is her natural legacy thru Mona to Bianca to Mimo. Gabby, --though brought into the world b/c of Reese's insane love for Bianca and the spawn of the "so-called" good Cambius brother, will be a bitter, misguided hellion bent on revenge because ... because who can compete with the Messiah?!? I'm starting to feel sorry for Gabby. She has to grow up w/Erica Kane for a grandmother, Lesbian mothers, an Uncle/Daddy and a demi-god sibling. Of course she'll be fucked up! She'd be insane not to be crazy with that kind of family dynamic.

ELLEN:
I'm still waiting for a believable explanation when it comes to Gabby's conception, Bianca's pregnancy, and the subsequent fallout. I get the "Bianca is insanely lovable" and most likely a monster in the bedroom**, but seriously? A baby? After a few months? Of course Gabby will be royally fucked up. Her parents have essentially acknowledged that she is the biggest mistake of their lives. And how can Bianca tell that she will be the strongest Kane woman ever? Does she eat her squished carrots with gusto? Has she mastered building blocks? Did she learn her way around the potty with exceptional speed?

Obviously Miranda was born potty trained, with a taste for fine Chilean wines and exotic Viennese roast boar.

** I do have to wonder...what exactly did Bianca do to Reese that turned her into a blubbering, lovesick, drunkard, with bad decision making skills but an awesome wardrobe?

PORTIA:
The "we were so insanely in love that we wanted our family to grow" explanation is 100% hooey. This is a prime example of Pratt's utter lack of skill when it comes to crafting a story. Especially one of the homo sexual variety.

People, whether straight or gay, who are in the throes of new love, passion and infatuation are NOT thinking "let's have a baby." They do not think this because all sane people all over the world, over the age of 12 know that having a baby is the death of your sex life. Even lesbians know this. Everybody knows that full responsibility for 6 pounds of helpless human flesh that spits from one end and shits out the other, does not enhance your sex life. Now, it is true that a heterosexual couple, during the "we're so hot and crazy for each other we can't think straight" stage will sometimes, inadvertently, unintentionally engage in an activity that accidentally results in an unplanned pregnancy. Faithful, monogamous lesbians do not, can not and will not ever be victims of unplanned pregnancies. PRATT FAIL.

And, New love + We Haven't Even Met Each Others Families Yet + Faithful Lesbians DOES NOT EQUAL "Let's have us a baby right now, no delay, oh happy day, where's the sperm and the turkey baster, I'm ready for some lovin'"

I wonder how many times Eden read that script and thought "WTF?" I suspect she planned a lengthy, in-depth, honest and heartfelt conversation with her new co-star in hopes of figuring this out. Then she met her co-star and thought -- "HOT!" and stopped caring that it made no sense because deep down she knew she had no control over the story anyway and she was happy to take solace in being the recipient of Tamara Braun's considerable charms.

ELLEN:
You have just proven that AMC can claim another first: The World's First Accidental Lesbian Pregnancy!

Holy shit! It's so wrong. All so wrong! The mind continues to boggle...will it ever cease its boggling?

###

7 comments:

  1. Oh you guys are awesome! Every single thought you girls have reflects what so many of us think about TB and ER! But at least they still exist in the history of Pine Valley. There's hope, who knows what will happen in the next few months.

    I hope you two know just how much we love your wonderful blog, it always makes us smile and remember why we love Pratts Falls and Breese.

    Piece ladies, you rock! Keep it up!
    Your fan from across the ocean lol!
    BF7

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  2. OMG! you two really SHOULD be the head writers. There is enough entertainment in this blog to keep AMC on the air for the next ten years. I hope Eden and Tamara read this too, its fantastic!

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